deb at abiding posted today about honest maintenance of her program and i realized in reading her post how very far i have slipped in my own. hope and i speak often and both rail at our inability to get our butts to a meeting. i asked deb if she could kick me to one, she reached out and sent me the website of meetings in my area.
i've never been to an AA meeting before. my most active addiction is compulsive overeating. i am also a recovering sexual addict. i have not had a drink for so long that i can hardly remember, but it's been at least 15 years if not longer. this week i have started fantasizing about the social aspect of drinking. pretending in my new community like i could be the kind of woman who could call up a friend and go and have a drink. they wouldn't know. how comfortable the lubricated life looks to me. i realized that i am dancing on a razor's edge right now.
i am binging to maintain my sexual abstinence. i haven't broken my 'no chocolate, no sugar' abstinence, but my portions are out of control and i am finding comfort in things like cheese and bread. i'm just so edgy that the fear of becoming out of control with pornography or masterbation again terrifies me and i stuff myself with food to medicate away the stress that i'm not dealing with.
deb taking the time to send me that email showed me that tomorrow morning at 9:30 there is a meeting one block behind my house. i'm intimidated. i probably wouldn't classify to most as an alcoholic - but i know that could change with one drink. so i need to be there. more than i need just about anything right now. there's also another meeting 3 blocks down the street from me on sunday night. i want to be there too. they don't interfere with liam's work schedule or the kids - this i need to do for me. would you please pray that i'll get there? i really need this.
UPDATE: well, i grabbed my umbrella, walked in the rain and no one was there. the lights were out, no cars, door locked... oh well. i showed up. so don't stop praying - i need to go tomorrow night, k? went to the women's ministry at church instead. it was important i was there.
cool thing happened though on my walk from the non-existent meeting to the church. as i was walking in the quiet of the rain i hear 'applause', like a roaring crowd. i looked to my right and there was a poplar tree and with the wind blowing through the leaves is sounded like clapping. it felt like god was cheering my showing up.