i awoke this morning a bit subdued. liam asked what was wrong and i couldn't really put my finger on it. until i was given a picture. it felt like i was surrounded by rake or broom handles, each one leaning against me. i knew it was a great metaphor for what i have allowed to happen in the past month.
small obligations, none requiring much from me, but obligations all the same have been piling up around me. each good and things for which i am skilled, but far too many of them so i am left feeling fenced in and a bit weary from the mental energy that comes from having to hold them all up, manage each small piece and have them all take a bit more than i originally through they would.
having that picture has allowed me to begin to visually identify what they are and begin to tie up loose ends to move me to the place where i am able to give them back to their owners.
it is one of the small trials (and i say this understanding that there is little really required of me in life, and so many have so much more to bear) of not having a job. i am not very self defined at the moment and so being 'helpful' is a way in which i meet the world. it gets me out of the house, outside myself and uses some of the skills and gifts i have. it is very depleting of my energies though and i find i regularly feel like i am not accomplishing much or using my best time and resources to my own benefit.
i end the day depleted and drained and feeling like i've not really done anything all day.
as of yesterday i set a really good boundary. i gave something back that had been weighing on me and for which i was doing a lot of work that the employee was shirking. it felt good. really good. i think i'll do it again. :)
self definition is a big part of this year for me. part of learning to be centered is figuring out where i begin and end. i am more than an assistant. i have lived far too much of my life making other people look better. i need to figure out ways to help myself. putting my own skills to work for my own good. what that looks like i don't really know.
as i was getting ready to blog this i got a phone call from a good friend here. she is the person i most enjoy spending time with. she stopped over for coffee yesterday and helped me with my plans to make cabbage rolls for supper. she showed me how to soften the leaves and remove them so they can be rolled. i knew we'd have lots, so i invited she and her husband for supper. it was a big meal, and a lot of work. i was really proud of myself. i took a recipe i had never made before (actually 3 of them) and made them for company, which i have NEVER done (only tried and true for company, what if it doesn't turn out??)...
back to the real reason, she asked me to come over and help her with a proposal she's writing for her final project. i have other plans. i wanted to finish the collage i started yesterday that was interrupted by her visit and i set aside. i know it's not the most important thing i could ever do, but it is something i was enjoying and something that focussed on being centered...
damn. i need to call her back and tell her i can't come. that what i was in the middle of is important and i need to finish it. set down the rake and sit and be for an hour or two. i'm going to make the call... really.