officially freaked out... - updated

at 2:00 today i go to buck's school to talk to the teaching team to get them on board w/ his care. this is totally freaking me out. i'm not sure if it's the exhaustion or just feeling like things will get lost in translation or just that i don't know most of these people other than his homeroom teacher (who i love) - and feel insecure and inadequate or what... but i just want to crawl under the covers and hide.

i'm all fluttery inside and can't even identify what is next. i actually think i inherited liam's anxiety this morning over his open house tomorrow. he's not doing so well either... actually even worse than i am. i know that this is good and rescuing him is not helpful in the big picture, but in the small picture my latent co-dependent genes want to kick in. i committed to only doing what i was asked to by him, and only if i wanted to - and so far he hasn't really asked, so i'm not really helping. his lone-ranger act is going to wear thin soon though. he's sick and got all of the family stress on top of it all.

i just wish i could calm myself down. i figured maybe writing about it might help... and a shower... :)

i am up to this time with the staff - it's teaching and i love to teach. and i don't have to be a diabetic expert - i'm the "buck" expert, right? i want to bend their hearts to my son, and that i am prepared to do. i think more than anything is that i'm afraid i will cry. these are total strangers (mostly) and i go too deep too fast and don't want to leave myself out on a limb i can't climb back from gracefully...

please pray if you are the praying kind. much love!

UPDATE: i don't know what i was so freaked out by... well, maybe i do, but it wasn't the meeting, or at least it shouldn't have been. i think it was the fact that this was the next stage of letting my baby grow. educating the school meant he had to go back. the meeting went so well, it was only the teacher and the resource center teacher who handles this already for a 3rd grader. the plan of care is wonderful, he's monitored well and has ample help and support if/when he needs it. it made me feel like it was actually possible to let go.

buck went to school today and all of the details were a bit overwhelming, but i managed it well and he did fine. he posted the lowest numbers he's had yet at lunch, so there was a bit of concern - but it was handled well and he self-identified not feeling "normal" and went and asked for help.

he has walked to and from school this year and really enjoys it. he has a good friend and really wanted to join him again coming home tonight. those last 10 minutes before he got home were a bit anxious for me, but i saw him come up over the hill and slide around with his friends in the back driveway and it brought tears to my eyes to see him being so "normal" again.

we've got a three day weekend here so the doctor is going to get a bit more aggressive about bringing down his blood sugar to normal levels. we should be able to manage by the end of the weekend. we've still got 2 checks in the middle of the night, but i'm sure i'd be up worried like a new mom the first time her baby sleeps through the night if we didn't right now.

thanks so much for your prayers!