Tuesday, December 18, 2007

counting on me

sue from my father's house asked how it was going with buck's JD. i have tried to get words together and onto the blog, but they just haven't come yet. maybe this time they will. i loathe the math that has forced it's way into my life. it is exhausting me mentally. i know that we'll get past this onerous stage, but right now the calculations, counting and numbers make me angry, resentful and tired. i verbalized this at lunch yesterday with my family. i tried to explain the frantic way meal prep feels again. it used to be cooking that overwhelmed me. since moving here i have found a wonderful groove in the kitchen. we have become great cooks and have a lot of healthy, rich, wonderful meals together as a family.

we are making out own instead of pre-packed, reheated grocery store prepped food. it feels so good. but that is part of the problem. prepackaged food comes with this lovely little chart on the side that tells me how many carbs something has. casseroles do not. meat and potatoes is an easy meal to figure out, but much of our menu isn't that lush. we have a budget and mixed up meals are hard to calculate.

each carb has to be counted and treated for buck to function at his best. i told them in tears yesterday that i am so tempted to just hand him a box of lunchables and say "done" (he would love that for a season - lunchables are the be-all and end-all of lunching extravagance in my kids economy). i said if there were breakfast-ables and supper-ables i'd give them to him too - just to be able to have a meal that isn't so freaking exhausting.

it makes me angry that the joy of communing together has been stolen from me (and the level at which this stresses me out steals the joy from the rest of my family...) pre-packaged crap food would be so much easier to feed him. that is why atkins prepackages everything - people who count carbs get tired of it too. yes, there are websites and places like recipezaar give nutritional info on their recipes - but portion sizes are still so random - never does it say "each serving is 1 cup" or 1/2 cup has 12 carbs... the math is basic, but numbers have never been my friend. if i am interrupted at any point in the calculations i have to start over (and over, and over) and i haven't yet found the flow that i know will one day come - but for today it is mind-numbingly frustrating.

the other thing that happened last week was that buck had 2 low episodes at school. they weren't life threatening or even scary - but that means that he is starting to respond to the insulin - and that changes all of the ratios and we have to be much more aware and alert. that level of alert is so tiring. he got up to pee at 3:00 this a.m. and i hopped out of bed to make sure he was okay. i didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30 and had to get up again at 6:30. hyper-vigilance was something i was able to let go of in recovery about 15 months ago - having to re-engage it makes me mad and feels like going backwards.

i told liam this a.m. that it felt like a sick joke that i have just begun to let go of the obsession i had been feeling towards food in the past couple of weeks (it's been amazing btw) and now i'm forced to think about meals and food nearly 1/2 of the day. i'm not obsessing, but i am forced to plan and engage with food like it's my new job.

my recovery is sweeter than it has been in years though and i am reaping the benefits from that. i just need to put some elbow grease into getting some meal plans charted out and have some "thought free" breakfasts and lunches written out so that i'm not spending all of the mental energy i have in the day before 8:00 a.m. when the kids leave for school.

liam and i have both been sitting with empty for quite a bit lately and we are both seeing the changes in our bodies. he's dropped at least 2 sizes and i am feeling so much better in my skin. i am so tempted to weigh myself, but that always does me in, so i am saying no to that scale and allowing my own body to measure itself instead of some random number on a scale. i feel healthy and mostly serene (except when numbers creep into my day!) :)

thanks for asking sue - buck is doing so well. he's amazing and such a sweet kid. it's been such a joy to learn from him as he faces this challenge. he's teaching me so much. i'm thinking about starting a blog for parents with kids and JD - i figure there must be tips and tricks we can learn from each other, and i'd hate for all of this work i'm doing to get organized just to be for me - i just need to think of a catchy name - anyone??


steph said...

As I read through this I am holding out "what does the sacred table look like" within this context for you all? This place is still a treasured sacred space, yet it involves more intentionality, more work, and more care. What I hear as I read this is fear of this place that often has not felt safe for you. What I know my friend, is that this is taking you more deeply into the truth of the communion table where the bread of life will give you all life. I mean, really - the true food that we need for life, for health, for caring for JD and each participating in that care.
My Mom is insulin dependant and she has never taken the holy care that the sacred table requires and she has missed the partnering and treasure of each one participating in this team care work. You are an artist - this is a new and growing palate on which to create beauty and life for you as much as for each one of you at the table.
Your questions here excite me because I see them leading you into a new depth of your passion for living!

bobbie said...

dear stephanie - thank you - your perspective is lovely and you have given me much to ponder. my father too was insulin dependent and he has never taken "holy care" of himself either.

it surprised me how much emotion the smell of insulin brought back to me. i know his own diabetes and communion table choices have cast a shadow on this somehow. more to ponder.

i know on the other side of all of this there is life and light. it just seems like so very much work at this present moment. but as i told buck - there is no one else i would rather do this for.

thank you so much for your encouragement, it means the world to me!

cheryl said...

hi bobbie,
have you got in touch with the juvenile diabetes research foundation in canada? they will have resources, recipe books that give the final amount of carbs [and that probably even tell you that one portion = one cup!]. diabetes recipe books are a lifesaver. JDRF probably even have blogs for parents and kids with JD...

remember to write every recipe of your own down, when you've worked out what the carbs are, so you don't have to do it again.

it is absolutely and completely exhausting and overwhelming. and it gets easier. it will not be like this forever.

gracie said...

oh yes yes yes... I could have written this post!!! Another JD Mom told me that in 2 years I'd be an expert. It's just so hard to believe in those first days... plus 2 years is such a LOOONG time when every day is sooooo intense.
You are NOT alone and if you're keen to do a blog about it, I'd love to co-contribute. It would be a great place to brainstorm solutions and share experiences.

Sarah Louise said...

Oh, sending hugs.

and more hugs.

and more hugs, cuz I don't have any words of wisdom.


Sue said...

It's a huge adjustment for everyone in the family. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

bobbie said...

Thank you all - your prayers and support have gotten me through all of this! And thank you Sue for asking the question! :)

ellyodd said...

Come join us at http://dyscalculiaforum.com :)