sue from my father's house asked how it was going with buck's JD. i have tried to get words together and onto the blog, but they just haven't come yet. maybe this time they will. i loathe the math that has forced it's way into my life. it is exhausting me mentally. i know that we'll get past this onerous stage, but right now the calculations, counting and numbers make me angry, resentful and tired. i verbalized this at lunch yesterday with my family. i tried to explain the frantic way meal prep feels again. it used to be cooking that overwhelmed me. since moving here i have found a wonderful groove in the kitchen. we have become great cooks and have a lot of healthy, rich, wonderful meals together as a family.
we are making out own instead of pre-packed, reheated grocery store prepped food. it feels so good. but that is part of the problem. prepackaged food comes with this lovely little chart on the side that tells me how many carbs something has. casseroles do not. meat and potatoes is an easy meal to figure out, but much of our menu isn't that lush. we have a budget and mixed up meals are hard to calculate.
each carb has to be counted and treated for buck to function at his best. i told them in tears yesterday that i am so tempted to just hand him a box of lunchables and say "done" (he would love that for a season - lunchables are the be-all and end-all of lunching extravagance in my kids economy). i said if there were breakfast-ables and supper-ables i'd give them to him too - just to be able to have a meal that isn't so freaking exhausting.
it makes me angry that the joy of communing together has been stolen from me (and the level at which this stresses me out steals the joy from the rest of my family...) pre-packaged crap food would be so much easier to feed him. that is why atkins prepackages everything - people who count carbs get tired of it too. yes, there are websites and places like recipezaar give nutritional info on their recipes - but portion sizes are still so random - never does it say "each serving is 1 cup" or 1/2 cup has 12 carbs... the math is basic, but numbers have never been my friend. if i am interrupted at any point in the calculations i have to start over (and over, and over) and i haven't yet found the flow that i know will one day come - but for today it is mind-numbingly frustrating.
the other thing that happened last week was that buck had 2 low episodes at school. they weren't life threatening or even scary - but that means that he is starting to respond to the insulin - and that changes all of the ratios and we have to be much more aware and alert. that level of alert is so tiring. he got up to pee at 3:00 this a.m. and i hopped out of bed to make sure he was okay. i didn't get back to sleep until about 5:30 and had to get up again at 6:30. hyper-vigilance was something i was able to let go of in recovery about 15 months ago - having to re-engage it makes me mad and feels like going backwards.
i told liam this a.m. that it felt like a sick joke that i have just begun to let go of the obsession i had been feeling towards food in the past couple of weeks (it's been amazing btw) and now i'm forced to think about meals and food nearly 1/2 of the day. i'm not obsessing, but i am forced to plan and engage with food like it's my new job.
my recovery is sweeter than it has been in years though and i am reaping the benefits from that. i just need to put some elbow grease into getting some meal plans charted out and have some "thought free" breakfasts and lunches written out so that i'm not spending all of the mental energy i have in the day before 8:00 a.m. when the kids leave for school.
liam and i have both been sitting with empty for quite a bit lately and we are both seeing the changes in our bodies. he's dropped at least 2 sizes and i am feeling so much better in my skin. i am so tempted to weigh myself, but that always does me in, so i am saying no to that scale and allowing my own body to measure itself instead of some random number on a scale. i feel healthy and mostly serene (except when numbers creep into my day!) :)
thanks for asking sue - buck is doing so well. he's amazing and such a sweet kid. it's been such a joy to learn from him as he faces this challenge. he's teaching me so much. i'm thinking about starting a blog for parents with kids and JD - i figure there must be tips and tricks we can learn from each other, and i'd hate for all of this work i'm doing to get organized just to be for me - i just need to think of a catchy name - anyone??