Monday, March 24, 2008

unwrapped

i don't know how many times i've said today "i just want everything to be NORMAL again" - things aren't neat and tidy in my mind lately - they've gotten all unruffled by the emotions liam's dad's sickness has brought into our lives. i hate that about grief, death and dying. it can never stay in a nice, neat easy package. and it unwraps all of the other ones you've ever had in your life. it's like it dissolves the wrapper on everything somehow. i guess maybe i'm feeling unwrapped too.

it was much easier to hate and resent him. dealing with that resentment has left me wide open to the depth of emotion this has brought. i hadn't realized how tucked away i had made my heart. damn denial. i guess it's not helping that i got my period 4 days early... i'm just awash with emotion today and while i know that is okay i still don't have to like it. i just keep repeating "this too shall pass, this too shall pass..." i know that one day of deep emotion doesn't mean winter has me in it's evil clutches, but damn i am sick of it all. i think one day of warm weather and beach combing would fix everything.

we're headed up coast today to pick up liam from the airport. there are three spots where we pass the ocean. each time we do i say "hello ocean" - just seeing it resets something within me. maybe today we'll stop and i'll get out of the car and yell at the waves for a bit. the sun at least is shining. it's bitter cold, but for today, just for today thy will not mine be done.

4 comments:

Hope said...

Praying for you and yours.

anj said...

When we lived in Australia, a life long friend was losing her husband to cancer. There was a drive along the bay, where the ocean came in and out of view, I found at their loss went on and on, that that drive was where they were most present in my prayers. I had forgotten that, until I read your post. Your post brought that all back, I pray now that your glimpse of the ocean will speak to your condition today as it has in the past.

Tara said...

I can relate to the oceans ability to move and calm. Settle. My last experience is posted here:

http://authenticallyspeakingtara.blogspot.com/2008/03/turtles.html

It is time for another trip for me to the waves. Maybe this weekend. I too have dealt alot with death recently. Friends. Family. I pray for your comfort. And yes Dear Friend...this too shall pass.
God Speed...Tara

sonja said...

I'm sorry for this messy place that you're in and the discomfort that you're feeling. I hope and pray that the glimpses of the ocean that you have will wash some of it away and like the tides, will gradually push some peace higher and higher up into your heart, so that you might have rest.