Friday, December 12, 2008

hope deferred

this verse is running through my head this morning:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12

i am heartsick. liam's reassurances the other day truly caused hope to blossom in my life. he told me that W (how i'm going to refer to the therapist, i think his presence will play a big role in my blogging over the next few months, and i can't keep calling him "the therapist"...) had assigned him some remedial connection time with me. fool that i am i believed that he might actually be serious in following through with it. it was just a connection time each night (well, i thought it was supposed to be each night, he said he never said that - it was only supposed to be a couple of times, but it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened once), hold my hands, look into my eyes and do something simple together like the daily examen or something like that.

that was like an oasis in the distance to my dry, parched soul. i am so angry at myself for really believing he would do it, try it, attempt it, at least once.

every night after dinner i waited, anxious, hopeful, passive. i knew it wasn't my work to do, so most nights i retreated to our room to work on my own step work (resentments.. ironic how this is pairing with this phase in his recovery, it's bringing such pain and anger to the surface for me) so that i am not tempted to work his program, but do my own. i ended up crushed, wounded and defeated. i tried to be patient, wait and interact like a grown up. i even expressed my feelings on a walk to our kids christmas party the other night, hoping that might engage him in the process again. i figured that his own shame in having to face W today would at least motivate him to give it a try. last night he didn't even attempt it. plopped himself down in front of that damn television while i read in our room. alone. again. naturally.

last night was my meeting night. i knew that two of the faithfuls had a work christmas party, but hoped that others might show up. we had six last week. nope. last night i was alone. again. naturally.

i set up everything. everything. i laid out the literature, even though i knew no one would show. i surrounded the table with chairs i knew would sit empty. i read aloud to an empty room because i was there. i showed up. i needed that meeting last night like i needed the air in my lungs right now. i read step 12 out of the oa 12&12 - it was beautiful. it reminded me again why each and every one of those steps i am working on are so important in my life. i managed to fill 30 minutes. i just couldn't sit alone there for 30 more. so i carefully put everything back, locked up the church and took a walk for 30 minutes in the freezing rain. i was warm enough and my hood kept the moisture off me. and i enjoyed all of the beauty of the christmas lights and the hideousness of those horrible inflate-a-mate lawn decorations. i must say they are as obscene to me as the idea of a blow up doll replacing a live human female. but last night even they were comforting in some strange, small town way.

but today i am heartsick. shaming myself for believing him. angry at myself for getting my hopes up. how i long for that tree of life. i will not fall for counterfeit fruit though. by working the steps i know that i'm willing to wait for the real thing.


Hope said...

I know that feeling. It's hard not to feel like the other person is maliciously leading me on a goose chase when it happens. But they aren't even though I usually end up calling myself an idiot.(and them worse) But I'm not, they're not and neither are you. We are simply human.

Whenever I've gone to my addictions counselor with this kind of stuff she has said something to the effect of it sounding like I had expectations. PSFD.

"My serenity is inversely proportional to my expectation." (p452 BB)
It's his shit. I know you know that. His not engaging with you is not about you. It's about him. I know you know that, too.

Hugs to you across the miles today. The word verification for this comment, when broken down into words, says, "so can do". You can do this. You are doing this. I am proud of you.

Anonymous said...

(((Bobbie))) I so hear you and I so relate, my dear. We had a pretty big "discussion" yesterday that kinda feels like it went nowhere really. But, like Hope said, I suppose it has more to do with expectations as well as the "hope deferred" that you mentioned.

But basically, I just want to say that I hear you.

Sarah Louise said...

Sending hugs. I remember saying to Max, I miss you, even when he was so nearby. I send you my love, knowing that can't heal the pain. I'm trying to be less Pollyanna when folks are hurting.

I'm so glad you are able to share about it and that we're able to give you broken words back.

Is it too Pollyanna to say the truth will set you free? It always helps me, because in my mind it's framed in the teacher in Anne of GG telling Anne that, when Diana is snubbing her because of the raspberry cordial event.

Holding you up, dear.


Rob Carr said...


I probably don't know anything. But I do know I love my wife, Nancy, and would fight and have fought to protect our relationship. I'd stand in front of the TV. I'd ask "What's on your mind?" Finally, if necessary and even if it interrupts the "work," I'd take her hand and say "I love you. You are important to me. Let's work this out."

Like I said, I probably don't know anything. Maybe I'm a guy, and maybe it's that I don't know how to fall out of love (yeah, that's either the cause of or a result of me being screwed up), but I would do whatever it took to win Nancy back.

Amy A. said...

xoxo praying for you guys.

bobbie said...

thank you all - your words mean so much. we're making headway and doing it together. it's not easy or perfect, but it is so worth it.

love you all!