Monday, December 08, 2008

i am not crazy

two posts in one day - back to back - what is this world coming to?

i need to get this out, a lot has happened this weekend emotionally and relationally and i need to interact with it.

i know i've blogged a lot about liam and earlier this fall even about his depression. he has been seeing the same therapist i have seen and he's making some real progress. liam and i had a really deep, really intense conversation on a drive the other day and i think he has finally understood something i have been saying for years.

i don't think i've ever really blogged about it here, so i'll try to start at the beginning. i have known liam for 25 years. 21+ of those we have been married. for about 20 of those years i have always thought it was me. always thought it was my problem, always thought i was crazy. these past five years i still suspected that i was inventing this, because my husband is so kind, helpful and involved, but last week in his session his (our) therapist confirmed that liam really has an attachment disorder. this has manifested itself in a few different ways, but most of them have slowly eroded their way into my psyche. water dripping on rock, carving out places that were never meant to be gone. most of those places are deep in my soul. deep in those soft places that are so intimate and private.

many of these places were probably begun in my relationship with my father, and that's probably why we fit together so well in the first place. all i know is that i am grieving. i am so sad. there is some relief in the fact that i am not crazy, but it is little salve to my soul.

things do make so much more sense now, but the way forward seems so hard. i told him that this kind of thing is the reason why marriages of decades dissolve. the psychic energy this takes over the long haul is so exhausting that when it is finally realized the way forward just seems somehow too far.

trying to help him see the damage that has been done seems fruitless. it's part of the problem. how do you live with someone who has never apologized and meant it? how do you live with someone who doesn't feel any ability to connect with your words, feelings and emotions? how do you make love to someone who's only ability to connect with you is physically? i feel like a fool. like someone who has convinced themselves that something is true because they really, really, really wanted it to be be true.

i know that liam loves me in the fullest extent of his ability to do so - but what does that make the past 25 years? have i been making it all up? have i been fooling myself? have i be so gullible and naive that i filled in all of the blanks myself? shit. i didn't want to have to go here. i didn't want to have to make this winter hard. damn. i don't want this trauma and depth this season. i've done my work. i've worked my program. i've slogged through my emotions and pain and i don't want to get sucked back in. damn.

i don't know the way forward. i know that i have been through the worst of it. i have lived with a man in deep denial and been in deep denial myself. it won't be easy, but it will get better, but damn it seems like so much work and i feel like such a schmuck. most of all i am just tired. tired and so very, very sad.


anj said...

a) you are not a schmuck and b) you are not a schmuck. and c) there is reason to be sad and grieve. and d) in my opinion,hope can begin when the truth is named and brought into the Light. I will be holding you and yours in the Light and wait for Way to open, whatever that looks like.

bobbie said...

thank you anj, that means the world to me. i can't believe what a gaping hole this has revealed in my psyche. sympathy, having someone who can be sympathetic, understand and get this means so very much.

Kel said...

anj is right, once it's named and bought into the light is the start of the new beginning

the way forward might start with sitting still for a time
and I'll sit with you - across the timezones - if you think it might help

wilsonian said...

You know how much I know about relationships. Ahem. But I do know this... Anj is right on the money. You're no schmuck. What you've had hasn't been what you thought it was... but it wasn't nothing. Does that make any sense? It was/is real. But yea... it may be shadow of what you're looking for.

Waiting for Way to open... yep. Waiting with you.

renee said...

loss. grief. foolishness. sudden insight. understanding. grief. loss. chasm. loneliness. insecurity. fear. darkness.

sitting in silence for you with a candle. xoxo

Togenberg said...

Oh :( I wish had some meaningful or helpful words