got an email and a phone call before my meeting last night... all the regulars bailed on me. i opened the doors, pulled out the literature. set up the table. read everything out loud. led the meeting. read step 5 from the AA 12 & 12 (oh man did i need to read that chapter, what a beautiful collection of thoughts and words!) and closed the meeting. alone. but what an complete blessing that meeting was to me. i was pissed and full of resentments heading into that meeting, but felt so full and alive afterward. i showed up. it's my recovery and i'm working MY program. not anyone else's.
i can't seem to get away from everyone looking to me like this is MY meeting all of the time. it wears really thin sometimes. i'm not sure what to do to stop this and get anyone else to step up. the woman who asked me to start this meeting with her is in major relapse. she still shows up to the meetings most of the time, but is so angry and bewildered as to why she just isn't getting it this time around. and i think that she is really angry at ME. and that makes me really bewildered.
when i read this today i think i got a clue. i think that somehow something got shifted on to me that shouldn't have been mine. i didn't ask for it and i don't think that i attract it, but i think it got put on me anyway, and that because i haven't picked up the mantle she is really pissed at me. anyway, i don't want the job, i'm not taking the job and i will continue to show up, one day at a time to work my own program.
these words of wisdom are from henri nouwen:
Forgiveness, the Cement of Community Life
Community is not possible without the willingness to forgive one another "seventy-seven times" (see Matthew 18:22). Forgiveness is the cement of community life. Forgiveness holds us together through good and bad times, and it allows us to grow in mutual love.
But what is there to forgive or to ask forgiveness for? As people who have hearts that long for perfect love, we have to forgive one another for not being able to give or receive that perfect love in our everyday lives. Our many needs constantly interfere with our desire to be there for the other unconditionally. Our love is always limited by spoken or unspoken conditions. What needs to be forgiven? We need to forgive one another for not being God!