i'm not sure exactly why. is it because i'm afraid that this life we've built here is still so fragile that having to examine things lately will shatter it to pieces? or that writing churns up emotions and emotions will cause me to feel things, and feeling things could possibly set me off into a mid-winter swirl? or is it just because i've become so co-dependent with getting liam working that i have no life of my own to write about? probably all that and more...
i have truly enjoyed the move. our new location feels like home already. we LOVE our new church and the people here are truly special. the puzzle piece of income is a bit terrifying though. we're draining the savings dry and credit looms like an option and that is truly terrifying for me (us). there is the money set aside for school in the fall - but i REALLY don't want to borrow from peter to pay paul and end up in debt for school.
my recovery has been non-existent since i dropped out of CR back at our old church. there are some groups here in the area, but as i stated above my own life has taken 2nd place to establishing a job and income for liam. i'm back in secretary mode. it's familiar and i'm good at it, but it's really unhealthy for me and i spin from that rescuer/martyr/villain mode pretty quickly these days.
i have had some amazing conversations with some of my recovery friends from my past life, and the blogosphere - and i am so grateful for that. but when it comes to actually writing things down i am at a loss for words. there is so much to tell, so much i want to write about, but the distraction of the mundane usually strips away what small motivation i have, or the creativity i need to put words onto paper.
i thought it appropriate that living on union street now i write about my state of the union - my marriage with liam has grown during this sabbatical time. i know it's a very unreal life we've been living. i am greatly in fear that it can't survive 'real life'. that when liam returns to work all of the intimacy and bonding we've done over the past six months will be a memory. a wonderful one, that can probably sustain me for awhile, but only a memory nonetheless.
one of my biggest triggers is loneliness. i fear, deep in my soul, the quiet of having the kids in school and liam at work. i know i can find a job or keep myself busy, but the temptation to isolate is strong, especially in a new community. that is a deep, deep fear.
the school has a counselor and a spiritual director on staff. i know they would meet with me (us) to deal with these fears head on. i want to be intentional, i don't want to be on the down side of a slide and have to climb back up (again). moves can be really unsettling and i have enough experience with them, and my reaction to them to know what to do - i just really have to DO IT... and that takes some asking, asking for help and asking for input. it's hard not to want to be 'all together' in this new environment. wanting to appear strong and capable, instead of wounded and needy... god help me to ask.
one of the best things we have found here is the sunshine. i truly believed that winter meant grey - i forgot how the sun can shine in winter - it is truly beautiful here. it warms the front porch of the house so nicely that even though it's not insulated it's warmer than the heated part when the sun is shining. sitting out there with a book is one of my favorite times - soaking up vitamin d and keeping that seasonal depression at bay. it's glorious.
we also haven't taken any time to really be tourists here either. we're so looking forward to poking around and seeing the sites. it really is an incredibly beautiful area. liam was doing some job searches online and came across the new brunswick motto. it is latin - spem reduxit - unfortunately i never took latin, but when i heard it translated it brought me to tears.
it is a beautiful thing.