Grid blog for International Women’s Day: if i had a hammer

pink: mom, there's a commercial that says it's international women's day. it's our day mom, did you know, today is women's day? we should both get red plates today mom.

we have a tradition in our home. special days are honored with a red plate for breakfast or dinner that says 'you are special'. pink got the red plate that night for dinner. yes, it was international women's day. it was also march break, another day with my husband job searching and me falling to the bottom of the priority list... again. patriarchy has created a mean case of co-dependency and invisibility in my life.

i have spent my life virtually invisible, to god, to the church and even to myself. i become whatever is necessary, whatever is needed for those in my life so that i can have meaning, so that i matter. i am the satellite to your moon. i only exist when you need me. it's been this way for so long that i don't even know how to stop it, or what i'd do if it did stop, because then, i fear, i would truly, be invisible.

patriarchy has planted and nurtured most of the plants in my garden. their roots go very deep. my hammer looks more like a machete some days - whacking away at the branches and leaves that overshadow everything else i try to plant. i can nurture it for a moment, for a small season, but then the well established roots catch up to me and i am left in the shadows again. too exhausted to care any more. too ashamed for even wanting this small life to grow on it's own.

the thought of a hammer makes me violent, smashing and crashing to release some of this deep, dark anger and rage i have against the machine. i realize it will make me no more than those who have made me this way. violence will solve nothing however tempting it would be to crush that which has wounded my very soul.

so, i am turning in my hammer for a plowshare to clear out these roots, once and for all, get to the bottom of that ugly theology that has made these plants that overshadow everything else i try to plant. remove them, shred them, burn the seeds so they cannot take root ever again. and maybe pink will grow up without them too. nurturing her own plants and bringing life to what god has planted inside of her.

is that codependent? yes, it is. if it was just for me i probably wouldn't bother. that's how discouraging this process is for me. how exhausting it is to do alone. i long to find that god who honors all of creation and will come along side me in the dirt and plant something truly beautiful. something that can give life and shade to others in a healthy, meaningful way.

rachelle has orchestrated this grid blog. you can go HERE and see the rest of the people who got their posts done on time. feel free to add your voice too.