one of the truths of our relationship is in the past 20 years it seems that when one of us is down in the depths the other is stronger. could be an element of the co-dependent dance we do, or just the grace given that gets us through, i'm not sure, but i have been grateful it has been this way.
last week that truth came to a halt and we both hit the carpet full force, face down. it seemed like there was no hope, no help and no light. the lowest low was a terrifying place to be, and looking back very little had really changed. we're all healthy, have our needs met and we are far more blessed than we realized at the time. i don't want to diminish the reality of our emotional state, but we weren't faced with the death of a loved one or the sickness of a family member. we were both just at the end of our resources and ended up in a very dark place.
light has broken through. loved ones have rallied around us and we are facing and dealing with some realities that we might not have wanted to face before. liam's resources are very thin right now. this past year has taken it's toll. the fear of watching my husband endure emotional pain and be helpless to relieve it brought me to a place of terror. he's always been the strong one. i'm the addict, i'm the unstable one, i'm the only one who's allowed to break. not him. not now. i'm not strong enough to do this.
i have since realized that that is a lie. we are in a safe place where he can get and receive the support he needs. he can be the wounded one, i am strong enough. he doesn't need me to fix him or shore him up any longer. it's okay to need. it's okay to break. it's okay to heal. but it's a very scary place to be. and i forget. my emotional tank struggles from short term memory loss. how quickly i forget that i am strong enough. how immediately i assume it is my responsibility to fix things. how desperately i long to cover things up, to hide and to isolate and protect.
i was speaking with hope today and i told her i really need to find some recovery in our area. i have been avoiding it and i really need to commit to seeking some support and get my head back in the game. i've been running on fumes and when people speak 'recover-ese' around me, or write about it i'm like a moth to a flame - so maybe it will motivate me to seek it beyond my telephone and computer screen.
she told me of something that rick at 'new life emerging' wrote that impacted her and about put me on the floor.
what other people think of me is none of my business
wow. i needed that. i am so intent on 'making a good first impression' around here that i forget that it's important to decompress and heal and be needy here for awhile. not to come in like the great white hope and be all strong and together. recovery will help me remember that.