new life does come from compost

our wonder from down under, kel left this encouragement in my comments yesterday:

"new life does come from compost"

all of your phone calls, emails and comments mean so much - thank you.

one thing written by a friend stuck out dramatically to me - "may you have... the wisdom and sobriety to discern what is reality". that nailed it for me. i have been doubting myself and my own reality and what i know to be true for months now. it has affected my sanity and i have many times wondered if i was crazy.

liam isn't non-functioning - he is working, helpful and doing everything - doing, doing, doing... being on the other hand has evaporated. he told me this morning "i don't fit any of the classic symptoms so your diagnosis can't be true". i looked at him with tears in my eyes and reminded him that i knew where he once was and where he is now, and the two are so drastically different. he can "do" all he wants to to prove i'm wrong, but he can't seem to "be" who i knew him to be anymore.

the crux of this is that his addiction of workaholism looks so damn healthy. i said this morning that if it was booze or food or any other behavior he'd be able to see that "doing" more isn't really helping. the conversation ended with promises he's made for years now that have gone unfulfilled. i finally told him i didn't believe him any more. it wasn't going to go away because he felt bad, or even faked through an effort.

you see i wouldn't really care so much if we weren't going away to "celebrate" our anniversary this weekend. we were given a night in a world class hotel with a spa package by friends who are even watching our kids for us while we're gone. when i can't even muster up some excitement for that you know it's bad. i'm trying for all i'm worth, but the idea of false intimacy and sex with someone i feel so very far away from right now makes me feel hollow inside.

i will comb the beach, read a good book, enjoy my pedicure and massage and being apart from my kids for a night, but i let him know that there would be no intimacy unless it is real and emotional. physical intimacy without that leaves me feeling so desperately alone afterward. i'm so needy that i usually say yes, but i hate myself in the end.

i think that is what prompted me to finally talk about it. to write about it and to answer honestly when people asked me how things were going. i'm tired of living a lie.

i sat next to him at a wedding this weekend and for the first time in my life i did not connect emotionally with the vows. for the first time i thought "till death?" - what about life? where is the life? why aren't there any vows about living?

i'm placing the rest of kel's comment here so i can remind myself of their truth:

"how it impacts your life, as an individual, wife, mother, IS your story to tell, if you want or need to

there is nothing worse than having something affect your entire life, yet not being able to talk about it, to "protect" those who caused the situation in the first place"

thank you again for all of your support. it means the world to me.