Monday, September 22, 2008

out of respect for the depressed...

i thought of calling this post "out of respect for the dead", because depression sure feels like emotional deadness to me while i'm on the outside looking in. i think i figured out why i have been so silent here. i'm not very good at not talking about EVERYTHING - and you see this everything lately has little to do with me and my journey. it's shitty being married to a depressed spouse. shitty.

i have been silent because i thought it's not my story to tell, it seemed too private some how. but i've also realized that part of me is dying inside. i don't live closed up and shuttered. i never have. i can't work his program. i can't make him get help. i can't do anything but my own stuff, so i'm back. working my program. and part of that is processing my life. this is an anonymous blog. yes, most of you know me, and some of you know him - but i can't stop moving forward anymore. it's scary as hell, but i need to talk about this. i need to open the shutters and get some fresh air in here.

it has begun to affect my own mental health and recovery and that is just not an option. any prayers or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

your comments said what i've wanted to say over and over...why i've thought about starting an anonymous blog...why i've looked everywhere for a support group for those living with people with depression...and my husband's has reared its ugly head yet again today, too. may you have peace, space to be yourself, care, healthy boundaries, copious amounts of hope, and the wisdom and sobriety to discern what is reality.

Anonymous said...

Bobbie, I hear you and totally understand. I also understand about the not-feeling-right talking about his condition; my husband suffers like-wise. There was a time when it was worse but still, whenever it makes an appearance, the bottom of my stomach drops a little. But talk about it, you must. Not necessarily here if you're not comfortable with that but I do urge you to find a place where you can get support of some kind.

Because my dad also suffered with depression (undiagnosed) we all suffered in our own way and carry the scars. Noone ever sought real help in those "olden" days. But we know better now.

I'll be praying for you guys. I know that feeling. It can get better.

Mich

Kel said...

how it impacts your life, as an individual, wife, mother, IS your story to tell, if you want or need to

there is nothing worse than having something affect your entire life, yet not being able to talk about it, to "protect" those who caused the situation in the first place

the words shitty and dead are applicable in this kind of situation

while you may not be able to see it while smothered in acuteness, new life does come from compost :)

wilsonian said...

xx's and oo's for you all...

don't eat alone said...

As one who has inflicted my depression on my wife for many years now, I truly believe it's harder on her than on me -- and it's hard on me.

Peace,
Milton

Anonymous said...

Bobbie, I hear you and relate!

Chris A.

lemonadesmile said...

Keeping silent only keeps God's grace and His Spirit from being able to redeem. And He will redeem and restore. Bring it to Him, and give Him the honor of your trust and let Him be glorified in the situation. But bring it to Him together. And if that isn't happening, then you bring your part of it to Him. Let Him work through you and you will be given peace.
"All that we have accomplished, O Lord, you have done for us".
Peace to you.

steph said...

We speak so much about honesty and authentic living and yet, still there are so few safe places for true honesty about the reality of the journey.
Holding you in Holy Presence as you wait for truth to be embraced and the heart to be kept open.

The Misfit Toy said...

In the strange dance I find myself in, my wife and I have taken turns being "the depressed one", so I am have been will be time transcendent verb on both sides of that river looking across the misty waters.

I like talking about it, and I like not sitting and waiting. Sounds good.

Maybe as you move forward you will come to a place where there is a bridge across the river, and a sunny piece of riverbank where you can share a picnic.

bobbie said...

Thank you Michael - I love the idea of the picnic. I too have struggled deeply with depression, and I find myself wanting to run, not from the marriage, but from the deep, black hole and sucking sound it makes in my psyche. I am so terrified of getting sucked back in.

I too want to be "time transcendent" - but want all of my verbs to be past tense... thanks for sharing your story so transparently, it has helped me so much with this part of my journey.

bobbie said...

H, Mich, Kel, Erin, Milton, Chris & Lemonade Smile - thank you. I commented to Michael and then realized that by specifically mentioning him I had left all you out. I had blogged my thank you's, but wanted to again let you know how very much your support, kind advice and prayers mean to me. Thanks for listening - I feel so much less alone in this.

Togenberg said...

How are things now?

You are in my thoughts and prayers, dear heart