day 40 - lent....check.

i had hoped to be entering tomorrow in a zen, mystical space, that's not happening.  i am exhausted.  losing monday and friday this week threw my whole week off, but i have finished my work for the week tonight and while i'm not in the zone i was hoping for i am in much better spirits and head space than i was when i started this 40 days ago.

i have done good work here, being open and ready, preparing myself and waiting.  i am quite proud of myself and feel real hope again, not the hopeful, hoping hope that is too scared to hope for real.

i know that i don't have it all figured out, but i have a better grasp on what has brought me to this place and as i sat in the space we created last night and saw both of my pastors on the floor in front of the little cross we put together, one on his butt and one on his knees participating in the exercises my friend and i put together i realized that i do belong here.  there is a space for me too.

i belong and am grateful. looking forward to worship, good food and family together time tomorrow.  it is well with my soul.