Wednesday, January 12, 2005

i'm expecting

no, not in the traditional 'oh my gosh, we're going to have a baby' way, i just couldn't resist the title to make your heart jump.

many of you know that in early november of last year i participated in a workshop called 'the path' at linwood house in vancouver, b.c. the path is an amazing experience, a challenging process and a crystalizing event that i highly recommend for everyone. the process is so well done that it gives each participant the opportunity to weed through their hopes, goals, fears and passions to find that THING that makes you tick. the thing that keeps you up at night. that thing that you would rather die than never do again.

it's an intuitive process that gives the participant the ability to slowly own and claim for oneself the part of you that gives you life. maybe, if i may be so bold, the reason that god put you here. it was a life-changing event for me, and i think the many others who participated.

when i stood to proclaim my mission statement i truly felt like something was born within me. i came home excited, ready and eager. i unpacked slowly and treasured each facet of the process. i shared carefully with loved ones and even a bit on my blog and then wham. stop dead. flat. it was like i was punctured, or had the air kicked out of me, i felt weight of my mission. i became overwhelmed, afraid and silent. i couldn't write, i couldn't process, i was unable to even state my mission out loud. i still can't.

i was so confused, so grieved and so very, very sad. i felt like a failure at something i hadn't even tried yet. i felt like if i claimed this mission out loud, away from the safety of our circle of people who were there, it would evaporate. poof. or i would be judged. you? you think that of yourself? nope, wrong, not you. who are you kidding?

this mission is so sacred to me. so precious, so fragile. it felt so arrogant to think that i could ever fulfill it. so i advented. i waited. i participated in the holiday waiting. it felt right, it felt real. i grieved and held on waiting. i didn't know what for. yes, that newborn baby, my savior come to earth, but there was something more.

christmas this year was lacking in any spiritual aspects for me. nothing. nada. we were at the whim of liam's family, no christmas eve service, no reading of the story, no sunday morning church - all of it had been stripped by plans and family get-togethers.

i voiced to liam that i truly felt like i was still adventing. still waiting for that babe to be born this year.

it wasn't until my dear friend anj replied to my frustration with this block in an email:

Maybe it's time to stuff your mission. You know, let it furnace as you might say. Or as I might say, hide it in your heart and let the Spirit make it real. Whether you give voice to it or not, it is real and it is your calling. It comes from the place of creation inside of you, give it time to be remembered before you try to give it birth. Do you know what I mean?
the light turned on. i know exactly what you mean anj.

i had mistakenly thought that 'the path' was the birth of this process, what i didn't understand was that it was conception, not birth - i am expecting. i cannot name my statement because it hasn't been birthed yet. this is a process and i was trying to rush the process. to everything there is a season. i need this idea to gestate, to grow within me until it is ready to be born. yay. grace. peace and wholeness is returning to my soul. the pressure is off and like being 'with child' it is only my job to care for myself and wait. breathe in, breathe out. this i can do.

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