okay, i suck at sacrifice. i'll give till i'm poor, but require me to change my schedule, be uncomfortable or stretch outside of my comfort zones and i become a sulky, petulant 9 year old again. what's that about? honest, i've been trying to figure it out. give me an inch and i'll usually give you a mile, but if someone hurts someone i love and i'm expect me to sacrifice for them? fugetabowdit.
i really had to search my soul this christmas, heading up to canada just about killed me. i hate typing those words. i don't want to be this way, really i don't. identifying these feelings, feeling them and then exploring them while i did the exact opposite as i was want to do made everything in me clutch and churn.
liam's been working through his stuff as of late and that has of course brought up a lot of family of origin issues. i love that he's going there, but my momma bear wants to tear them limb from limb instead of sitting graciously in their homes and wishing them merry christmas. maybe it's because i wasn't born with a fake gene in my body, being fake takes every ounce of energy i have to maintain that exterior, or maybe i'm just a sulky petulant 9 year old sitting on the pity pot... either way i stink at sacrifice.
i tried to change my motivation each time i ran against the wall, do it for liam, do it for pink and buck, they want to go, it will be good, okay, if you go you can get canadian perogies to bring back and put in the freezer... that's how shallow i am...
none of this has anything to do with our canandian relatives. honest. it is about me. i uncovered a part of my heart that is ugly. i am selfish. i have created a world where it looks like i am a giving, generous, nice person. it's a big fat lie. take me outside of my zones and put me into a situation that i don't want to be in with people i don't want to be around and i am not the person i want to be. this is an ugly truth to realize in oneself. ugly, but necessary. and i must face it.
is this why my children play on no sports teams even though i tell myself and everyone that the system and coaching in our county is so over the top and abusive that i refuse to participate in it, is the real reason plain and simple because i don't want to have to sacrifice the time, my time, to become a soccer mom? where are the other areas of my life that this nastiness resides? i haven't pver-turned every rock yet, but this is one of my goals for 2005. yuck.
all i know is that the raw feelings i felt in having to give up 'my families christmas' and trade it for what we ended up with showed me in many of my true colors and that paint-by-number didn't look one thing like jesus.
i've been trying to uncover what i believe about sacrifice, what is my practical theology, because i believe that what we believe shows up in our actions. because i saw that my actions were ugly, i know that something that i believe to be true is pretty ugly too, i just haven't figured it all out yet.
i do know that a refrain from an old keith green song pops into my head with every time i say the word sacrifice. 'to obey is better than sacrifice, i don't need your money, i want your life, and if you can't come to me every day, then don't bother coming at all...' what shitty theology is that? what a crock of crap! jesus would never utter those words - what legalistic garbage that is. it's really ugly christianity, and i think a lot of us really unknowingly believe it. i think i did until this episode. how many of us growing up with those words had our theology written by keith green? i haven't looked at other lyrics yet, but i wonder if they are as filled with as much legalism and graceless theology too.
don't bother coming at all. maybe i didn't want to sacrifice for a god like that? i don't know. i'm sure i'll be noodling it out here, so i'll keep you posted. onward and upward, here's to 2005! happy new year!