tears of joy

i have a friend who is being wrung out by powerful men in the church. she asked me to pray so that when she meets with them she would be able to refrain from tears. it's a subject close to her heart, and it's moving her deeply. it breaks my heart that in the 'power world' tears are seen as a sign of weakness. i'm praying for her as i type this so that she is able to hold her head high as she enters this meeting today and keep from crying so she is heard and respected by these weaklings. it angers me.

in their short set at the nywc in pittsburgh, jars of clay played 'god will lift up your head' from redemption songs. i haven't stopped singing it in my head since. this song is about breaking through shame.

in pre-teen/teen years my father would get so angry with me because when i walked in public i was always looking at my feet (he once asked my mother why i was looking at my breasts all of the time - sigh). my shame and awkwardness in that stage of my life was so overwhelming that i was unable to look people in the eyes. i still find it difficult to look people in the eyes while speaking to them. hearing the words of that song i realized that only god can take away the shame of my past, the hurt and the horrible choices i've made. only he can lift up my head.

i picture his hand on my chin, raising up my face to look into my eyes. i know that my emerging, the catharsis of this period is bringing me to a place where i will be able to look people in the eyes, stand with my head up and fulfill what god has for me to do.

this year was the first time in 8 years that i have been unable to attend a critical concern at the convention. while we were pittsburgh we were there as volunteers, so the work was more important than participating in my annual discipline of 'practicing the presence of god'. i was really disapointed because mark yaconelli was teaching it this year. the first time i attended it was 8 years ago, and he and his father co-taught the sessions. this year it began on my 40th birthday, and it was all i truly wanted for my birthday - to be reunited and celebrate the event - almost like things going full-circle. it was hard to give that up, but i knew we made a commitment and needed to stick to it.

the first day liam and i were welcoming delegates, a main occupation for the
'affirmation team'. he was dressed in a construction worker's hard hat, safety vest and wings, and i had on a tiara and wings. mark yaconelli happened by and i had the opportunity to speak with him.

it was at that moment that it hit me that i wasn't going to be participating in the critical concern. i wouldn't have chosen that moment, dressed in this silly way to speak with him, but i knew he was only there for a couple of nights and i didn't want to miss telling him how special that time 8 years ago was for me. how it was the first time i ever heard god speak. how it was because of he and his father taking the time in that cincinatti church to take a risk and turn the convention and youth specialties in a drastically different direction. and, of course, i needed to tell him how much i missed his dad and was so sorry for his loss. needless to say, i started to weep, ugly tears, screwed up red faced crying that i hate to do alone, even worse in public, let alone to someone i'm trying to speak with who means so very much to me.

mark was the epitome of grace. he heard my words, saw how deeply moved i was and was so very patient and kind. he told me as i apologized, and i will never forget it, that there was nothing to be sorry for. he went on to tell me that the catholics believe that tears are a spiritual gift, that they are used to water the hard ground to make it soft again. i haven't looked at crying the same way since.

i pray my friend is able to stand in front of those men dry eyed, but more i pray god lifts her head, and that if she cries she knows that those hard hearts need softened by her tears, and that god has given her the spiritual gift far too many in the church shun and disdain.

here are the lyrics to that song:

Give to the wind your fear
Hope and be undismayed
God hears your sighs and counts your tears
God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

Chorus:
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
God will lift up your head
Lift up your head

Leave to His sovereign sway
To choose and to command
Then shall we wandering on His way
Know how wise and how strong
How wise and how strong

Chorus

Through waves and clouds and storms,
He gently clears the way
Wait because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy

(3X)
God will lift up your head
Soon end in joy

(3X)
God will lift up your head
Soon end in joy

Jars of Clay, God Will Lift Up Your Head

i pray we all soon end in joy.