Thursday, May 04, 2006

i'm tired of moving

life here has gotten a bit overwhelming - lots of good things too, not all bad, but i'm feeling it and the second wave of relocation has hit me. i am aware of it, and feeling it - and hopefully facing it in a healthier way than i've faced some other moves we've made - but i can feel it's residual stress deep down in my bones. i have actually been carrying it in my muscles.

whether a genetic trait, or a by-product of a stressful childhood i have a very bad habit. i tense and lock my muscles instead of sitting relaxed and loose. this is especially prominent in my jaw, shoulders and my bum. i carry all of my stress there and screw up my body and cause myself a lot of discomfort. anger and resentment somehow sits in my butt muscles - the seed of my soul? i don't know - but i have been carrying a lot of resentment and anger there and it can be nearly crippling if i don't pay attention to it.

breathing, stretching (damn i've got to get over my inhibitions and get my butt to yoga) and actually feeling and processing the emotions that cause me to lock up and freeze. i've never been good at the limber sports - running, swimming, dance, gymnastics, tennis, golf - but give me a ball to hit hard and far, score a basket, spike a volleyball - strong muscle sports and i excelled. i could never even do a bridge (as a young in shape 2nd grader) or touch my toes when limber young muscles should be able to stretch. so both genetics and bad body connections play into the fact that i am now coiled as tight as a spring and on the verge of incapacitating myself (could that be what i really want - flat on my back in bed??) if i don't start to relax, loosen up and breathe through some of this.

so, i've lit my candles, will sit and meditate on my story for saturday (i'll blog about that later) and spend a day focused on lightening the load. we move in less than a month and if i don't come apart i've realized i'm going to come apart...

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