Monday, May 29, 2006

weepy day

i have been reading mark yaconelli's book 'contemplative youth ministry' for the past couple of weeks as i will be reviewing it on wednesday here on my blog as part of the grid-blog tour. i have been putting off writing mark as each time i sat down i was just overwhelmed with emotion. the fast approaching deadline forced my hand today and so i spent this morning in centering prayer and opened up to the emotions i had been holding back for far too long.

mark and his father mike were midwives of sorts to a very big spiritual awakening i had - i credit them for giving god permission to speak into my life (credit/blame - it's all the same!). they both taught me how to practice the presence of god - and remembering and honoring those emotions today has caused a lot of tears. if you've been reading my blog for a while you'll remember back in october i got a chance to thank mark at the nywc in pittsburgh and did the big ugly cry, right in front of him - trying to fight it the whole time. i was also dressed like a angel/fairy and he was the epitome of grace and kindness. he told me that my tears were a prayer, softening the hardened ground. well, today the ground is much softer as i have spent much time watering/praying.

it all seems so inefficient - i have THINGS TO DO - sitting in silence and tears just seems so indulgent, risky and like i'm tempting depression to take back it's ulgy hold on my life. how do we get to the place in our minds that doing the thing that will keep us from depression (being present to our emotions) is the exact opposite of what we tell ourselves - fight the emotions, keep a stiff upper lip, just keep swimming, just keep swimming... it's irony isn't lost on me here.

and so today i will enjoy the dirt under my psychological fingernails and plant some seeds in the tender soil of my soul and water them with my tears as i remember and am present to these life-changing memories and emotions.

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