just what i needed

yesterday was just what i needed. kind of like pushing a 're-set' button on my psyche. i know i have a lot of time in the week to have done what i did, but somehow i don't take it. yesterday a.m. my worship was orchestrated by god. it was incredible how tied together everything was.

i began here (i didn't know it at the time, i thought i was just reading erin's blog) and those three short videos reminded me (again) that yes, i am on the right track. god is with the poor even though the church doesn't seem to be. (please take time to watch them - the idea of jesus being a shadowman is vital).

i then sat at my family altar and lit the candles and spent time in solitude and silence. quieting my soul is hard for me. my brain runs a mile a minute and i don't immediately see the benefits of silent time until later in my day, but just breathing and being still prepared me for what was next.

earlier that morning i had began to fill a scavenged book shelf with all of my most favorite books. i was pulling them from piles and other shelves and came across a story book i hadn't seen before. i don't know where we got it and it was placed in a strange place, sticking out of some non-fiction as if the holy spirit said "here, this one". it is called "the sleeping bread". it was my scriptures for the morning. here's what one reviewer said of the story:

Set in a Guatemalan village, it tells the story of Beto, a kind-hearted baker, and Zafiro, a beggar for whom Beto always saves his crusts. Unlike Beto, the villagers want only to be rid of Zafiro, and as festival time approaches, they force him to leave. While Zafiro is bidding Beto goodbye, one of Zafiro's bitter tears falls in the baking water. The result — Beto can no longer make bread. The dough refuses to rise. All finally ends well when Beto persuades the villagers to invite Zafiro back to the village. The mystery is solved, the villagers feast again on Beta's wonderful bread, and Zafiro is given a place of honour in the festival procession.

after my love affair with "sleeping with bread" this so beautifully tied together my passions.

i went from there to some time with a book i had been avoiding, the cup of life - i realized upon opening it why i had been avoiding it... this chapter was on suffering. this meditation was on sitting with our empty cup and the consequences of the life decisions we had made, both the joy and the suffering. i realized that living my life as openly as possible has meant that i make people uncomfortable. it is a choice and it has consequences. i really want it no other way. would i love for more people to join into this life choice, most definitely, but until then sitting with the pain of the loneliness was important and i felt such comfort in knowing that being in the margins and shadows was a place that jesus dwelt.

so all in all, and in many ways i can't articulate here, my choice yesterday was important and i'm so glad i honored that nudge to "be" and let god minister to me. it was the right thing do to. thank you for your encouragement, it means so much to me!