Sunday, June 03, 2007

skipping church

i know it's probably going to bite me in the ass, but i just feel too fragile to be in community today. i'm angry, lonely and sad and i know that it will pour out of me today and i just don't want to do it in public. i have become increasingly frustrated with a couple of things i'm seeing - it wouldn't bother me in other churches, but here i really thought they "got it". too much to hope for i guess.

another reason is that it just seems to me that the only contact i have with anyone is when they need something from me. my closest friend i made here moved away a month ago and i am really feeling her loss. it wasn't like we saw each other every day, but when we did get together it was effortless. we were good for each other and it felt so nice to have a friend who "got it" and actually listened. lately i feel like people love to talk to me and at me, but not with me. i ask questions, remember what we talked of last time and reference it and really am in tune with their lives. it rarely seems to go both ways. when i start to share i find changes of subject, glazed over eyes and disengaged presence, so i just stop and turn the conversation back to them. immediately they're animated again and interested. it just hurts.

i think it's part of the examen process that helps me to realize how very little engagement i have that is life giving. so rarely are my interactions with people my "highs" or "bests". i am finding lately they are actually my lows. i think that maybe part of my dysfunction is to gloss things over and pretend like things are great when they really aren't. damn. it's easier to pretend sometimes. the examen doesn't let me and i don't really know what to do about it.

so, because it's communion and then there is a short information meeting after church for an event i've been working with and i'm not feeling heard on anyway i am avoiding going.

worship alone today. i'm lighting candles, putting on a meditation cd and spending time in solitude and silence. i know that avoiding connection when i'm feeling disconnected is probably very self-defeating, but i just can't seem to muster up the courage to be really fragile in community right now. it just doesn't feel as safe as it used to.


wilsonian said...

Whatever works in place of "I'm sorry". That's what I would like to say to you.

Trust your heart.
Trust the words you have been given up until now.
Trust that you're on the correct path, even if it doesn't look familiar (or looks too familiar).
Trust that you are moving through.

Love you.

judi said...

not a nice place to be at, bobbie, i'm sorry... but yea, i do hear you, especially the part about people talking 'at' you. ron has it too, when someone has a computer problem... it doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, you wonder...

i will toss you a friendly challenge though :-) i do know what you mean about feeling like crap and wanting to avoid church. but ron usually nudges me and reminds me that when it's communion, that's the time i really need to be there. communion, at least for me, is a real picture of what happened at the cross and how i can partake of a part of it; of how the promises of God do NOT change for ME or for YOU; and how much i am such a part of such a bigger picture.

i say this NOT to poke at you, but to remind you... i truly do not want to cause you to feel worse than you do...


bobbie said...

thank you both, it means a lot - and no offense taken judi! communion here is very public and intimate - no pass the wine/bread stuff here. prayer for people and time spent at the elements is regular - and i just knew i was too edgy to do that in public. so i had my own communion of sorts here.

i did stay home and had my own time of "church" - i watched the video's erin linked to on her blog and then read a small story, lit my candles and sat in silence for quite some time.

then i picked up the joyce rupp book i have been slowly going through and had been avoiding because it was a chapter on suffering. it was exactly what i needed and sat with my empty cup and prayed to let god fill me/it as i realized that the consequences of the life i choose to lead does mean that sometimes i will make people uncomfortable and they will stay away. i can do no other than try to live as authentically as i know how to and sitting with the pain that brings was very good.

liam and i had a wonderful afternoon discussing what we each received from our very different times of worship.

Kel said...

sorry to hear this is where you are right now
having been in a similar spot sometimes i know how lonely and hurtful it can be

isn't it strange how living authentically can be such a lonely place

wishing for you a wonderful gal pal to connect with at heartlevel

Patchouli said...

And you did what you needed to do for you. I love what you said about sitting before God with your empty cup and letting Him fill you up.

Matt Stone said...

Thanks. It's refreshing to hear real honesty. I know it can have its hazards but the world needs some more of it.