i know it's probably going to bite me in the ass, but i just feel too fragile to be in community today. i'm angry, lonely and sad and i know that it will pour out of me today and i just don't want to do it in public. i have become increasingly frustrated with a couple of things i'm seeing - it wouldn't bother me in other churches, but here i really thought they "got it". too much to hope for i guess.
another reason is that it just seems to me that the only contact i have with anyone is when they need something from me. my closest friend i made here moved away a month ago and i am really feeling her loss. it wasn't like we saw each other every day, but when we did get together it was effortless. we were good for each other and it felt so nice to have a friend who "got it" and actually listened. lately i feel like people love to talk to me and at me, but not with me. i ask questions, remember what we talked of last time and reference it and really am in tune with their lives. it rarely seems to go both ways. when i start to share i find changes of subject, glazed over eyes and disengaged presence, so i just stop and turn the conversation back to them. immediately they're animated again and interested. it just hurts.
i think it's part of the examen process that helps me to realize how very little engagement i have that is life giving. so rarely are my interactions with people my "highs" or "bests". i am finding lately they are actually my lows. i think that maybe part of my dysfunction is to gloss things over and pretend like things are great when they really aren't. damn. it's easier to pretend sometimes. the examen doesn't let me and i don't really know what to do about it.
so, because it's communion and then there is a short information meeting after church for an event i've been working with and i'm not feeling heard on anyway i am avoiding going.
worship alone today. i'm lighting candles, putting on a meditation cd and spending time in solitude and silence. i know that avoiding connection when i'm feeling disconnected is probably very self-defeating, but i just can't seem to muster up the courage to be really fragile in community right now. it just doesn't feel as safe as it used to.