Wednesday, June 13, 2007

lost in space

as i opened my eyes this morning i said a prayer "god somehow i've lost the thread, i don't like it and i don't even know how to find it again. i can't figure out what has happened." i had the answer before i even knew it. internet.

i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.

i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.

but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.

blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.

i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...

i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.

6 comments:

Chris said...

Very similar thoughts going through my head today about internet time. It feels a little like God has been shaking up some of the foundation posts of... (how would I describe it?) of my thought life, maybe. Kinda like I have allowed my internet use to mold my thought life too much, and that's being shaken up and needs to resettle in a different pattern...

Vague words, I know, but it's such a word-less feeling at this point. I do think that I will be leaving behind my laptop on our upcoming family vacation, though, and bringing a couple of books and my journal. Not necessarily a fast, as I will still have access to the net, but hopefully just a step more removed...

Matt said...

I call it the black hole of the blogosphere. All energy gets sucked into it...

Gotta unplug, thanks for the reminder.

Kel said...

there is a season for everything

may you be refreshed and renewed as you de-web your life somewhat

you are loved and will be missed, but I understand and support you in this

Sarah Louise said...

find your peace and pieces. this is something I revisit often.

xo,

SL

anj said...

I've been holding this post in the Light, right now it occurred to me to ask for that thread to be in the Light....You lost the thread, I tend to lose the plot --

Candy said...

Amen. May I find the courage to follow you.