ppppppplllllllllllllluuuuuuubtttt

i'm trying to type the sound my tongue makes when blown lethargically through my lips... it's how i'm feeling right now. spent, bruised, grieving, tapped and thin (no, unfortunately not in that good way). liam used the word 'throbbing' yesterday - kind of like a vein leaking on the ground, life is there, but it's draining.

and then there are moments of rapture, belly laughing and intense creativity and brainstorming like we haven't had in years. such is the roller coaster that has become our lives.

for all of you who have emailed me - thank you - i will respond, but i'm not getting much computer time in and every time i try to write back it just all seems too intense and hard to put into words. please be patient, your words and care soothes my soul - thank you.

simplicity has been a spiritual discipline we have been nurturing for almost two years now. first it was out of necessity - massive debt reduction and little income. choices we made to tighten our belts and focus on what matters. then we realized how much life this brought to our lives and we now choose simplicity intentionally. things lately haven't been very simple.

is there such a thing as being 'whelmed'? we're tired of overwhelmed, we'd like to be whelmed for a bit please. that's a strange word isn't it? i'm sure it has amazing roots and deep meaning, i'm just too overwhelmed to find out what they are right now.

in an attempt to simplify we have reduced much down to hoops - the two largest hoops right now seem to be caused by the need for health insurance at the end of december. liam being canadian and on an expiring r-1 visa mean that we've got this biggest of decisions to make. canada or the u.s.? i can sponsor him and he can get a green card. we've been told by those in the education field that will allow him funding and grants like citizenship so we're just frozen with how do we manage it all?

there are good educational alternatives on each side of the border, and one side will take care of our medical insurance by being residents - but that means leaving my father either to fend for himself, or on my sister and brother-in-law (or his sisters) - he's been so helpful and supportive it's the last thing we would ever want to do, but he has no desire to immigrate to canada - so the pull each way is excruciating.

i just don't see how we can maintain parenting to the level we've committed to, one of us working full-time to make enough income and get full benefits, while liam goes to school... canada seems to simplify that enormously. it's just so completely HUGE that it just crashes down on us each time we start to make progress or lean in one direction or the next.

all the forms are filled and ready to file for liam, and he should be able to get a temporary work visa, it just seems like such a huge waste of $200-$400 to file them if we aren't staying - i just know how much he needs this next bit to heal and have sabbath. the draw of double income is huge and i know it will fix the 'temporal' things - the tangible things will be made easier - but i know that the real quality of life stuff will suffer in the long run. we truly saw this severance time as a gift from god to get healthy, dream, write and even play.

ppppppplllllllllllllluuuuuuubtttt

that's how i feel. crawl under the covers, i don't want to think about it - it makes my head hurt.

ppppppplllllllllllllluuuuuuubtttt

this is what happens when you can't just take 'one day at a time' i guess. just for today. those are my favorite recovery words. just for today. god help me to figure out what is crucial 'just for today'...