i find that there are things that come into my life that feel larger and more important somehow. like clues. that if i pay close enough attention i will learn something or understand something more clearly. birds, feathers, fire, drowning...and i'm sure there are others, but those are just somethings that seem to be reoccurring themes in my life these past couple of years and i learn to pay attention.
when my enneagram coach used the word "undigested suffering" i knew that this was a theme i needed to pay attention to. it keeps echoing in the strangest of places. walking the labyrinth the other day i'm standing on the path and i look at it and realize it looks like intestines, sorry to be gross, but it's true. it's what i thought of - walking to the center - ingesting, walking out - expressing (to put it gently) - i have been considering this theme every time it surfaces.
these past 24 hours i have been faced with the cruelest stomach bug i think i have endured - only food poisoning has rendered me less able to deal with life, but that seemed to be out of my system more quickly... this lingering plague has left me weak and dizzy, incoherent and unmotivated. i don't get sick often. and when i do i feel very guilty. i'm the caretaker, not the cared for. anyway - as i stood over the sink last night at 1:30 a.m. i realized i was getting the full monty of digestion in all it's glory.
i would gladly pick a more beautiful metaphor or theme to sit with, but this one came on its own, and i know it has much to teach me. this suffering, this undigested suffering has been carried around, stuck, blocking and keeping me from the life i want. it has begun to show itself and i realize most of all that digesting is a natural process. i don't have to work at it, i just need to let it happen. but i must be present for it, i must participate in the process.
i long to be fully healthy again, both from this flu bug and this suffering. i long to have my life back and find the joy of life in the small, beautiful places i was so able to do for so very long.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
day 8 - sick as a dog
naseau, chills, vomiting, achiness, sick as a dog, the kind of sick you think that it can't get worse, and then it does... can't really write.
buck's (son) nurse said that the flu was probably messing with his number bringing him low - we hadn't experienced that before, so it should clear up as he gets healthy again.
we're supposed to go away this weekend. we haven't had a vacation in over a year. really sad that it might be cancelled because of sickness. might be able to postpone until later in march break.
too much up in the air and feeling too crappy to care.
buck's (son) nurse said that the flu was probably messing with his number bringing him low - we hadn't experienced that before, so it should clear up as he gets healthy again.
we're supposed to go away this weekend. we haven't had a vacation in over a year. really sad that it might be cancelled because of sickness. might be able to postpone until later in march break.
too much up in the air and feeling too crappy to care.
day 7 - it's still monday somewhere...
crap. taking sunday off as is supposedly okay to do for lent threw me off - i find that if i do something every day i can repeat it, but if i break the chain all bets are off...
i've been sitting up at the computer for hours, trying to waste time and not fall asleep because i'm on son watch tonight... totally forgot that i could have been blogging.
kept the kids home today. as i told a friend, it feels like we got drug through the weekend by our heels. it takes its toll.
he's appropriately in the safe zone now, so i can go to bed... but wish he was just a bit higher. we gave him less long acting insulin tonight, so that should have made the difference, and he wasn't all active today, so it should have been fine... the fact that it's not is disconcerting... calling doctor tomorrow to figure out what to do. we've never been at this place before. it is new uncharted territory and i don't like it at all. the only thing i hope is that this might push us up the chart for a pump for him...
i've been sitting up at the computer for hours, trying to waste time and not fall asleep because i'm on son watch tonight... totally forgot that i could have been blogging.
kept the kids home today. as i told a friend, it feels like we got drug through the weekend by our heels. it takes its toll.
he's appropriately in the safe zone now, so i can go to bed... but wish he was just a bit higher. we gave him less long acting insulin tonight, so that should have made the difference, and he wasn't all active today, so it should have been fine... the fact that it's not is disconcerting... calling doctor tomorrow to figure out what to do. we've never been at this place before. it is new uncharted territory and i don't like it at all. the only thing i hope is that this might push us up the chart for a pump for him...
Saturday, February 25, 2012
day 6 - 4 minutes before midnight
okay, i haven't missed my lenten commitment - i have 4 minutes until saturday is over... crazy busy day, brain is dead, boss did not get me my stock until last night to list in ebay, spent whole day scanning/cropping/listing/launching - it's far more time consuming than one would think. i usually like to have everything scanned and cropped around thursday - doing it all in one day makes me so taxed out.
forced myself to be social tonight, it was harder than i thought it would be, but i was glad that i went. it was a rollicking dance at our church for the whole family. cover songs and a pot luck - so different than what i grew up with. glad my kids are being raised in an environment that allows for celebration and silliness. it was really nice to dance with liam and be out for the night.
number one son is giving us some frights with his diabetes last night and tonight. he must have hit an insulin pocket and we just couldn't keep enough food in him to maintain his blood sugars... no rest even when you sleep on those kind of nights... am only still up because tonight he has complained of feeling horrible. figured it was from the dancing and the potluck access to lots of desserts. his blood sugar was high at bed snack and then came down like a rock - then he vomited, so we're not sure what to do. can't keep blood sugars up if he's vomiting, it means hospital if he continues. so i pumped him up with another glass of juice to either make him sick again so we at least know where we'll be tonight or to bring his levels back up...
could be a long one. think i'm headed to bed until i know more of what's going on. i keep hearing footsteps upstairs and wondering if he's headed for the bathroom... poor kid......
UPDATE: he was vomiting... liam has just taken him to hospital, any prayers would be appreciated. he's not in danger, just needs an IV to keep his blood sugars up (and the hydration doesn't hurt either).
forced myself to be social tonight, it was harder than i thought it would be, but i was glad that i went. it was a rollicking dance at our church for the whole family. cover songs and a pot luck - so different than what i grew up with. glad my kids are being raised in an environment that allows for celebration and silliness. it was really nice to dance with liam and be out for the night.
number one son is giving us some frights with his diabetes last night and tonight. he must have hit an insulin pocket and we just couldn't keep enough food in him to maintain his blood sugars... no rest even when you sleep on those kind of nights... am only still up because tonight he has complained of feeling horrible. figured it was from the dancing and the potluck access to lots of desserts. his blood sugar was high at bed snack and then came down like a rock - then he vomited, so we're not sure what to do. can't keep blood sugars up if he's vomiting, it means hospital if he continues. so i pumped him up with another glass of juice to either make him sick again so we at least know where we'll be tonight or to bring his levels back up...
could be a long one. think i'm headed to bed until i know more of what's going on. i keep hearing footsteps upstairs and wondering if he's headed for the bathroom... poor kid......
UPDATE: he was vomiting... liam has just taken him to hospital, any prayers would be appreciated. he's not in danger, just needs an IV to keep his blood sugars up (and the hydration doesn't hurt either).
Friday, February 24, 2012
day 5 - coming up for air
today was a glorious day. i awoke feeling like something had lifted. liam had taken the day off so that we could share a day alone, we got the kids off to school, made love in front of the roaring fire and luxuriated in a space where we had no where to go and nothing to do. he made me steak and eggs for breakfast and we even went out for chinese later in the day. we paid bills, caught up on paperwork and planned a mini-vacation to celebrate our kids upcoming birthdays. i am not sure if it's just a temporary moment, but i was present in my body, it felt like mine again somehow and i shared the day with my beloved.
i'm heading into a weekend with a lot of work to do and more social activity than i have had in a really long time. looking forward to it, but as always afraid that my resources will run dry. i have found that it is a quirk of my personality, one that hoards time and feels like the stamina needed to be social. knowing that i'm not the only person who does this helps some, but it still makes me tired just thinking about it all.
so here i am, showing up to the page, it's late in the day and i don't have a lot of deep thoughts, just wanted to be consistent in my commitment, and i have to keep reminding myself that i am doing it for me as no one seems to be reading... i am worth the effort, even and ever only for me.
i'm heading into a weekend with a lot of work to do and more social activity than i have had in a really long time. looking forward to it, but as always afraid that my resources will run dry. i have found that it is a quirk of my personality, one that hoards time and feels like the stamina needed to be social. knowing that i'm not the only person who does this helps some, but it still makes me tired just thinking about it all.
so here i am, showing up to the page, it's late in the day and i don't have a lot of deep thoughts, just wanted to be consistent in my commitment, and i have to keep reminding myself that i am doing it for me as no one seems to be reading... i am worth the effort, even and ever only for me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
day 4 - looking for sunshine
woke up this morning with tummy issues, feeling weak, chilled and ready to go back to bed. i have not enjoyed how all of this writing is raking up the debris that had settled. like the aquarium that is beginning to look murkey - sifting through the gravel shows that it's far past time to empty things out and start over. the churning up is necessary, but is triggering me and making me feel more fragile than i have felt in a while...
i hate feeling weak. physically, emotionally, socially. not that anyone does, i know it is not unique to me, i just have so few real skills to cope when i do... so the tank is murkey, and the water needs replaced, i'm drowning in metaphors and finding that i'm hitting the wall with my desire to write. i am forcing myself to be here today. to keep writing, to make an effort. i know it's the right thing to do. the next right thing. i know that spring is coming. green grass, blue skies, warm air. i miss it greatly.
it is only my spiritual disciplines that have kept me from totally going off the rails this winter. 3 meals a day, no snacks, no trigger foods, not participating in any selfish behaviors to self satisfy, journaling every night, reading scripture, prayers from memory, going to meetings. very little of it breaks through, but the program, like a robot, keeps me moving forward. i am thankful.
they say that sunshine is the best disinfectant. bringing this crap out into the light will hopefully reduce it to it's normal size and allow me to see it for what it was, mistakes and learning. we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
i remember in the fall my friend tex said that i sounded so good from my fb status updates, i had to admit that it was revenge. i was living well out of revenge. it was honest, but telling everyone about it wasn't. it was shallow and i was doing my best to rub their faces in it. i think that when the energy that had died i realized how little of it was for me. how little of it was penetrating to my core. i had become the very thing i loathed. shallow, competitive, petty and vengeful. the very things i was hurt by. what is it that bono says about your enemies, beware as they will define you? i hadn't had enemies in quite some time.
so on this dreary, melty day i am looking for sunshine, purify, cleanse, bleach me white with your hot, persistent light. i am weary of living my life outside of myself. may the deep heat find the core of my soul and warm it today.
i hate feeling weak. physically, emotionally, socially. not that anyone does, i know it is not unique to me, i just have so few real skills to cope when i do... so the tank is murkey, and the water needs replaced, i'm drowning in metaphors and finding that i'm hitting the wall with my desire to write. i am forcing myself to be here today. to keep writing, to make an effort. i know it's the right thing to do. the next right thing. i know that spring is coming. green grass, blue skies, warm air. i miss it greatly.
it is only my spiritual disciplines that have kept me from totally going off the rails this winter. 3 meals a day, no snacks, no trigger foods, not participating in any selfish behaviors to self satisfy, journaling every night, reading scripture, prayers from memory, going to meetings. very little of it breaks through, but the program, like a robot, keeps me moving forward. i am thankful.
they say that sunshine is the best disinfectant. bringing this crap out into the light will hopefully reduce it to it's normal size and allow me to see it for what it was, mistakes and learning. we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it...
i remember in the fall my friend tex said that i sounded so good from my fb status updates, i had to admit that it was revenge. i was living well out of revenge. it was honest, but telling everyone about it wasn't. it was shallow and i was doing my best to rub their faces in it. i think that when the energy that had died i realized how little of it was for me. how little of it was penetrating to my core. i had become the very thing i loathed. shallow, competitive, petty and vengeful. the very things i was hurt by. what is it that bono says about your enemies, beware as they will define you? i hadn't had enemies in quite some time.
so on this dreary, melty day i am looking for sunshine, purify, cleanse, bleach me white with your hot, persistent light. i am weary of living my life outside of myself. may the deep heat find the core of my soul and warm it today.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
day 3 - ash wednesday
ashes indeed... i can taste them - especially after re-counting yesterdays ick. as i was responding to a comment i likened what happened to a cave in - having to clear away the debris so that i can find the tunnel out and hopefully the light that will guide me. i hate that this is still sticking in my throat. it tastes like ashes.
we tried and tried to reconnect with this couple, two-on-two, mediator involved, withdraw social interactions until this was straightened out - nothing worked, even the mediator. i was so proud of myself for enduring it though. somehow they were able to move on like nothing happened, they punished us royally in community - gathered all of "our mutual friends" to their side and cried to them about how mean we were... we really never knew what hit us. somehow in all of this we were the bad guys. the way i tried to explain it to them when we sat with the mediator was "my best friend cheats on my other best friend on my computer and i become the bad guy for bringing it up and lose them both." (and everyone else with them).
i was determined to allow her to have her dignity in this. it was a foolish mistake - i had no idea that she had a doctorate degree in denial. she got so angry at me, not for the emotional intimacy that had happened between her husband and i, but for putting a halt to it. he was never so stable and useful to her as when i was his best friend and confidant. it was like those women who turn their heads while their daughters are molested just so that they don't have to meet their own husbands needs. i had never encountered anything like this before.
all i knew was that i had become incredibly codependent with both of them. i had slipped under the family fence and everybody liked it that way. when i hopped the fence i became persona non grata and the enemy. i never told anyone other than my therapist and the woman i saw in his place while he was in europe for the summer. it created such an awkward situation with our mutual friends. we had for years spent friday nights together, cooking, eating and praying together. after this happened we all determined that it should continue, and when we went back the next week it was done. kaput. finished. liam and i were relieved, but little did we understand that it was just finished to get us out of the group - the rest of them continued to meet regularly without us.
i was so wounded. shell shocked. crushed. i found out later that another couple was deeply jealous of our friendship with them and were part of the coup to take our place. we knew we lived in a transitional community, and two of the couples were studying, we figured that they would be moving on after graduation, and that our friends were the stationary ones, so we determined to clear the deck with this family and not the other two... little did we know that this shame (i wasn't the only woman he was seeking intimacy with) would drive them from our community - while the other two families have stayed...
so i sit with the debris... still feeling hurt, confused and shell-shocked. it doesn't make sense that this is still bothering me, but it is. it is keeping me from re-engaging in community and it shadowed a lot of treatment we received in the churches we moved away from... the irony is this all happened just as we bought our home. we had decided that stability was something our family needed and that we were putting down real live roots. i had moved 18 times (some of those were within the same community, but 18 moves...) and i wanted more for my kids, and for us.
i naively thought that i would never have to say goodbye again... how very wrong i was...
the pain suffered from this close knit group imploding and the healthy, wonderful goodbyes from families or students moving on coinciding made/makes me want to isolate myself. somewhere deep down i believe that it is smarter to withdraw than to re-injure myself by having to trust others or say goodbye...
i know in my head that working things through with the other two families is healthy and good, not stupid and naive... but i still cannot make myself do it.
i was determined that i would not slink away during the times our community said goodbye to them. i was not going to hang my head like i had done anything wrong. i had made my amends, not that they had done any good, but i was clear of any shame. i went forward with the group to pray around them during their last sunday at church with us. i had one hand on his shoulder, and one on hers. during the prayer he slid his hand (that was on his wife) over mine - during the prayer, in our church, in front of my whole community. we had never touched before. ever. i did not know what to do. i was gobsmacked and afraid she could feel it, that someone could see it - how could i get out of this? what did i do to cause this?
the cherry on the top of all of this debris is that this man called me in tears to say goodbye and to tell me that i was right. that i wasn't crazy. that the things i confronted them on in our mediation were true, and that he was now willing to admit that it wasn't us that caused the rift - that he was looking for intimacy outside his marriage... and he was sorry.
needless to say it was not salve to my wounds, but fodder to feed the unhealthiest places in me...
i have talked all of this through with liam and my therapist, but i still feel great amounts of shame for just being me. it was after that day that i started to pack on the weight... it's not great amounts, but my clothes are tight and i feel gross and i just can't seem to shake it. it's all just a bunch of rocks to me right now, i don't know which one to shift to lift out of the way... so i write.. and i look at each one, churn up the dust and remember. hopefully digesting so that i can get it out of my system... but it still tastes like ashes.
we tried and tried to reconnect with this couple, two-on-two, mediator involved, withdraw social interactions until this was straightened out - nothing worked, even the mediator. i was so proud of myself for enduring it though. somehow they were able to move on like nothing happened, they punished us royally in community - gathered all of "our mutual friends" to their side and cried to them about how mean we were... we really never knew what hit us. somehow in all of this we were the bad guys. the way i tried to explain it to them when we sat with the mediator was "my best friend cheats on my other best friend on my computer and i become the bad guy for bringing it up and lose them both." (and everyone else with them).
i was determined to allow her to have her dignity in this. it was a foolish mistake - i had no idea that she had a doctorate degree in denial. she got so angry at me, not for the emotional intimacy that had happened between her husband and i, but for putting a halt to it. he was never so stable and useful to her as when i was his best friend and confidant. it was like those women who turn their heads while their daughters are molested just so that they don't have to meet their own husbands needs. i had never encountered anything like this before.
all i knew was that i had become incredibly codependent with both of them. i had slipped under the family fence and everybody liked it that way. when i hopped the fence i became persona non grata and the enemy. i never told anyone other than my therapist and the woman i saw in his place while he was in europe for the summer. it created such an awkward situation with our mutual friends. we had for years spent friday nights together, cooking, eating and praying together. after this happened we all determined that it should continue, and when we went back the next week it was done. kaput. finished. liam and i were relieved, but little did we understand that it was just finished to get us out of the group - the rest of them continued to meet regularly without us.
i was so wounded. shell shocked. crushed. i found out later that another couple was deeply jealous of our friendship with them and were part of the coup to take our place. we knew we lived in a transitional community, and two of the couples were studying, we figured that they would be moving on after graduation, and that our friends were the stationary ones, so we determined to clear the deck with this family and not the other two... little did we know that this shame (i wasn't the only woman he was seeking intimacy with) would drive them from our community - while the other two families have stayed...
so i sit with the debris... still feeling hurt, confused and shell-shocked. it doesn't make sense that this is still bothering me, but it is. it is keeping me from re-engaging in community and it shadowed a lot of treatment we received in the churches we moved away from... the irony is this all happened just as we bought our home. we had decided that stability was something our family needed and that we were putting down real live roots. i had moved 18 times (some of those were within the same community, but 18 moves...) and i wanted more for my kids, and for us.
i naively thought that i would never have to say goodbye again... how very wrong i was...
the pain suffered from this close knit group imploding and the healthy, wonderful goodbyes from families or students moving on coinciding made/makes me want to isolate myself. somewhere deep down i believe that it is smarter to withdraw than to re-injure myself by having to trust others or say goodbye...
i know in my head that working things through with the other two families is healthy and good, not stupid and naive... but i still cannot make myself do it.
i was determined that i would not slink away during the times our community said goodbye to them. i was not going to hang my head like i had done anything wrong. i had made my amends, not that they had done any good, but i was clear of any shame. i went forward with the group to pray around them during their last sunday at church with us. i had one hand on his shoulder, and one on hers. during the prayer he slid his hand (that was on his wife) over mine - during the prayer, in our church, in front of my whole community. we had never touched before. ever. i did not know what to do. i was gobsmacked and afraid she could feel it, that someone could see it - how could i get out of this? what did i do to cause this?
the cherry on the top of all of this debris is that this man called me in tears to say goodbye and to tell me that i was right. that i wasn't crazy. that the things i confronted them on in our mediation were true, and that he was now willing to admit that it wasn't us that caused the rift - that he was looking for intimacy outside his marriage... and he was sorry.
needless to say it was not salve to my wounds, but fodder to feed the unhealthiest places in me...
i have talked all of this through with liam and my therapist, but i still feel great amounts of shame for just being me. it was after that day that i started to pack on the weight... it's not great amounts, but my clothes are tight and i feel gross and i just can't seem to shake it. it's all just a bunch of rocks to me right now, i don't know which one to shift to lift out of the way... so i write.. and i look at each one, churn up the dust and remember. hopefully digesting so that i can get it out of my system... but it still tastes like ashes.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
day 2 - fat tuesday
finding it harder to be back here today than i thought it would... not sure where to go, but maybe the FAT in tuesday is a good start. i hate that word. it gives me great shame. i noticed the picture that i had as my profile here on the site and wished greatly to have that body back. i feel so very far from that person - standing on the beach, rejoicing in the beauty of the day and the wholeness i felt... the wheels fell off very soon after.
we were vacationing with another family and the relationship between the husband (her husband) and i was becoming more intimate than i was comfortable with. 2 weeks prior i would not have noticed, he seemed so safe and "sexless" to me - like a brother, i had a bit of a crush on him because he was so affirming to me - but it always seemed weird because he was so awkward and nerdy - 2 weeks prior i asked him to look at my computer while our two families were dining together at our house between 2 events.
his wife had shamed him earlier that day by screaming at him publicly during the picnic we were at. it was always so difficult for all of us to navigate the after affects of her outbursts. he had done the talk at church that morning and somehow she always seemed to need to humiliate him after any success - it was such a strange dynamic. we returned to our house after the picnic for supper. that was when i asked him to take a look at my computer.
after we ate dinner together we all walked down the hill to the river to watch the fireworks. all feeling a bit shell shocked and on eggshells, trying to pretend it never happened. things just weren't like they used to be, we used to be so carefree and fun together - now it was strained and awkward, always trying to regain the easy way we used to have.
upon returning home i noticed that something was left on my computer that looked fishy. i investigated and found that he had logged into websites that upon looking i found that he had created a new personality, purposefully created for cheating on his wife. ick... this changed everything. up until that point i had thought that it was just my broken that was making things between he and i weird, i hadn't realized that he was looking for intimacy outside of his marriage. this truly changed everything.
i couldn't pretend any more. i couldn't dabble in the attention. i realized very quickly how close i had come to really stepping into a full-blown affair.
i called liam to my office to show him what i had found. he knew all about the weird high i got from our friends attention and he told me repeatedly that he thought our friend had a crush on me too - i felt so open and honest, but really i was in great denial of how very powerful this attention was for me. i never wanted to admit that it was becoming a full blown addiction.
we looked at the sites together. we saw that he had been corresponding with other women, pictures, emails, chats... not sure if he was setting things up for business travel or just dabbling - but we knew we needed to address this somehow...
i emailed him at the fake email address and said "i know"... he panicked and denied for a few emails and then finally admitted it and i found them all the next morning in my inbox - he said he trashed the email address by changing his password to something unmemorable and said he'd never do it again. i wrote and said that liam and i needed to meet with him to discuss our upcoming vacation together. i was determined not to go, i was determined to change our plans.
the three of us met at our house and both liam and he felt that proceeding with the vacation was a good idea (for very different reasons) - he committed to tell his wife and i said i would only go if we could all clear the air and that the four of us could spend our time together making our own marriages stronger. this showed liam and i some major areas of improvement necessary for our own marriage too. he said yes and i reluctantly agreed. biggest mistake ever. i should have trusted myself. i should have known that his wife would have never agreed to deal with any of this.
it started us on a hellish camping trip, filled with them screaming at each other, and especially their son, beloved friend of my two kids. it was like camping in a war zone. when he started to yell at me i was out of there. we packed up and went home early... never knowing if he truly told her anything... it created a huge elephant between all of us that we had NO idea how to remove...
the profile picture was taken the day before the explosion began... after that everything changed... i think that i was so ashamed of my body being sexual again that it triggered a spiral that needed fat to make it safe again... it is only my program that has kept me from skyrocketing back to where i was before my recovery started...
so, maybe this connection - that body and this body - that one that was so free one day, and so unsafe the next... i never really understood how very close i came to an full-blown affair... the dabbling gave me so much energy, i felt so alive, so powerful... it was a drug of sorts, it was my sexual addiction morphing into something new and unidentifiable somehow (until after) maybe somehow i won't need this fat to keep me safe anymore once i digest all of this tangle...
ashes tomorrow...
we were vacationing with another family and the relationship between the husband (her husband) and i was becoming more intimate than i was comfortable with. 2 weeks prior i would not have noticed, he seemed so safe and "sexless" to me - like a brother, i had a bit of a crush on him because he was so affirming to me - but it always seemed weird because he was so awkward and nerdy - 2 weeks prior i asked him to look at my computer while our two families were dining together at our house between 2 events.
his wife had shamed him earlier that day by screaming at him publicly during the picnic we were at. it was always so difficult for all of us to navigate the after affects of her outbursts. he had done the talk at church that morning and somehow she always seemed to need to humiliate him after any success - it was such a strange dynamic. we returned to our house after the picnic for supper. that was when i asked him to take a look at my computer.
after we ate dinner together we all walked down the hill to the river to watch the fireworks. all feeling a bit shell shocked and on eggshells, trying to pretend it never happened. things just weren't like they used to be, we used to be so carefree and fun together - now it was strained and awkward, always trying to regain the easy way we used to have.
upon returning home i noticed that something was left on my computer that looked fishy. i investigated and found that he had logged into websites that upon looking i found that he had created a new personality, purposefully created for cheating on his wife. ick... this changed everything. up until that point i had thought that it was just my broken that was making things between he and i weird, i hadn't realized that he was looking for intimacy outside of his marriage. this truly changed everything.
i couldn't pretend any more. i couldn't dabble in the attention. i realized very quickly how close i had come to really stepping into a full-blown affair.
i called liam to my office to show him what i had found. he knew all about the weird high i got from our friends attention and he told me repeatedly that he thought our friend had a crush on me too - i felt so open and honest, but really i was in great denial of how very powerful this attention was for me. i never wanted to admit that it was becoming a full blown addiction.
we looked at the sites together. we saw that he had been corresponding with other women, pictures, emails, chats... not sure if he was setting things up for business travel or just dabbling - but we knew we needed to address this somehow...
i emailed him at the fake email address and said "i know"... he panicked and denied for a few emails and then finally admitted it and i found them all the next morning in my inbox - he said he trashed the email address by changing his password to something unmemorable and said he'd never do it again. i wrote and said that liam and i needed to meet with him to discuss our upcoming vacation together. i was determined not to go, i was determined to change our plans.
the three of us met at our house and both liam and he felt that proceeding with the vacation was a good idea (for very different reasons) - he committed to tell his wife and i said i would only go if we could all clear the air and that the four of us could spend our time together making our own marriages stronger. this showed liam and i some major areas of improvement necessary for our own marriage too. he said yes and i reluctantly agreed. biggest mistake ever. i should have trusted myself. i should have known that his wife would have never agreed to deal with any of this.
it started us on a hellish camping trip, filled with them screaming at each other, and especially their son, beloved friend of my two kids. it was like camping in a war zone. when he started to yell at me i was out of there. we packed up and went home early... never knowing if he truly told her anything... it created a huge elephant between all of us that we had NO idea how to remove...
the profile picture was taken the day before the explosion began... after that everything changed... i think that i was so ashamed of my body being sexual again that it triggered a spiral that needed fat to make it safe again... it is only my program that has kept me from skyrocketing back to where i was before my recovery started...
so, maybe this connection - that body and this body - that one that was so free one day, and so unsafe the next... i never really understood how very close i came to an full-blown affair... the dabbling gave me so much energy, i felt so alive, so powerful... it was a drug of sorts, it was my sexual addiction morphing into something new and unidentifiable somehow (until after) maybe somehow i won't need this fat to keep me safe anymore once i digest all of this tangle...
ashes tomorrow...
Monday, February 20, 2012
lent vent
if it were not for rss readers this post would go unnoticed... i guess i am thankful for that, although i am seeking some anonymity again. i realized in the shower the other day that i really needed to write. my immediate thought was WHERE? and a brain fart said "wish i had a place where no one knew my name"... and then i went... DUH. here.
those of you who really do know my name are safe and counted among some of my very absolute favorite people on the face of this earth. strange how very few of you i have met, and yet i hold you most dear... some of you closer than my very own extended family.
i realized that i have been blocked. that i am sitting in a bleak place, heading into lent and longing for some connection that will break through my winter discontent and bring me to a place of resurrection and new life.
i was at an enneagram workshop a few weeks ago and the teacher, who knows me quite well, and feels very safe to me because he is also in recovery and is the same enneagram type (4 wing 5) that i am, spoke of how often people in recovery for long periods of time get to a place where it feels as if the ground opens up and they are faced with suffering and fear sometimes even greater than that which drew them to recovery in the first place. he said this why and when many who seem so strong and so capable relapse and throw their lives away.
it was the first thing that anyone had said to me in months that made any sense. it is exactly where i found myself in january. so lost. so sad. so afraid. nothing in my life seemed to have caused such a depth of emotion but there i was. nothing made sense. everything had lost it's ability to touch me. i am someone who can live off of the emotion of finding a beautiful feather in an unexpected place for a week - and yet real, deep, moving, wonderful things pinged off me like i was made of teflon.
there were times i was able to enjoy something in the moment, but it had no legs to carry me like it normally would. i guess it felt like there was some type of black hole opening up in me that no light could penetrate. even though i was not hopeless, and i am not still. i was not opposed to intervention and am continuing to see my therapist and my spiritual director, but it just seemed different some how. like i was insulated or once removed from the experience.
so when he spoke of this large suffering opening up it felt like i had heard a dog whistle calling me to attention.
he said that the opening showed the suffering that was undigested - undigested - a food word, means i need to pay attention. i know the way through all of this. i have been here before. i know it works when i work it - and i have far better tools and support at hand now than ever before. i am capable and able to digest whatever this suffering is. i just need to sit with it.
that is the best part of this horrible season. my spiritual disciplines and my program are carrying me through somehow. the routine of my life, even though i feel i am moving through it like a sleepwalker some days, is keeping me on the path. i am still going to meetings, i am still writing every day and reading every night. 3 meals, no snacks, no trigger foods. it is working - even though i am unable to feel it.
mild depression? SAD? not sure, but i am not hopeless, suicidal or violent - which is usually the quick evidence that i am headed nowhere fast. so i am sitting with undigested suffering. i have no idea what that means, but the metaphor of the "undigested" is so poignant to me.
the shower helped me realize that my most able way to digest anything is to write about it. and yet i am not writing. i have been blocked, but i think it had more to do with not having a safe place to do that. i have abandoned this place that worked so well for me once. to keep with the digestion them (sorry) i have been constipated - school kicked my ass, both in reading and in writing. what i did finish i did well, but i hate reading things i do not love, and even worse, i loathe writing about them. i am not finished, but i long to be. it has been a start and stop, move forward, drop it all time that has creamed my confidence and given me great shame. i am up to the work, i am smart enough and able, but i have so little will to write what others want and seek a grade that will satisfy a requirement, it is no motivator for me at all, it is in fact, a de-motivator if i am completely honest...
so here i am. and here i will be, this is my lenten commitment. i will be writing here every day (except sundays) and digesting whatever the hell i can find to help me find joy in the buds of the promise of spring.
those of you who really do know my name are safe and counted among some of my very absolute favorite people on the face of this earth. strange how very few of you i have met, and yet i hold you most dear... some of you closer than my very own extended family.
i realized that i have been blocked. that i am sitting in a bleak place, heading into lent and longing for some connection that will break through my winter discontent and bring me to a place of resurrection and new life.
i was at an enneagram workshop a few weeks ago and the teacher, who knows me quite well, and feels very safe to me because he is also in recovery and is the same enneagram type (4 wing 5) that i am, spoke of how often people in recovery for long periods of time get to a place where it feels as if the ground opens up and they are faced with suffering and fear sometimes even greater than that which drew them to recovery in the first place. he said this why and when many who seem so strong and so capable relapse and throw their lives away.
it was the first thing that anyone had said to me in months that made any sense. it is exactly where i found myself in january. so lost. so sad. so afraid. nothing in my life seemed to have caused such a depth of emotion but there i was. nothing made sense. everything had lost it's ability to touch me. i am someone who can live off of the emotion of finding a beautiful feather in an unexpected place for a week - and yet real, deep, moving, wonderful things pinged off me like i was made of teflon.
there were times i was able to enjoy something in the moment, but it had no legs to carry me like it normally would. i guess it felt like there was some type of black hole opening up in me that no light could penetrate. even though i was not hopeless, and i am not still. i was not opposed to intervention and am continuing to see my therapist and my spiritual director, but it just seemed different some how. like i was insulated or once removed from the experience.
so when he spoke of this large suffering opening up it felt like i had heard a dog whistle calling me to attention.
he said that the opening showed the suffering that was undigested - undigested - a food word, means i need to pay attention. i know the way through all of this. i have been here before. i know it works when i work it - and i have far better tools and support at hand now than ever before. i am capable and able to digest whatever this suffering is. i just need to sit with it.
that is the best part of this horrible season. my spiritual disciplines and my program are carrying me through somehow. the routine of my life, even though i feel i am moving through it like a sleepwalker some days, is keeping me on the path. i am still going to meetings, i am still writing every day and reading every night. 3 meals, no snacks, no trigger foods. it is working - even though i am unable to feel it.
mild depression? SAD? not sure, but i am not hopeless, suicidal or violent - which is usually the quick evidence that i am headed nowhere fast. so i am sitting with undigested suffering. i have no idea what that means, but the metaphor of the "undigested" is so poignant to me.
the shower helped me realize that my most able way to digest anything is to write about it. and yet i am not writing. i have been blocked, but i think it had more to do with not having a safe place to do that. i have abandoned this place that worked so well for me once. to keep with the digestion them (sorry) i have been constipated - school kicked my ass, both in reading and in writing. what i did finish i did well, but i hate reading things i do not love, and even worse, i loathe writing about them. i am not finished, but i long to be. it has been a start and stop, move forward, drop it all time that has creamed my confidence and given me great shame. i am up to the work, i am smart enough and able, but i have so little will to write what others want and seek a grade that will satisfy a requirement, it is no motivator for me at all, it is in fact, a de-motivator if i am completely honest...
so here i am. and here i will be, this is my lenten commitment. i will be writing here every day (except sundays) and digesting whatever the hell i can find to help me find joy in the buds of the promise of spring.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
12 years
yesterday i celebrated a 12 year anniversary of my abstinence for my sexual addiction and 12 years without chocolate. not many people to share that with, so i thought i'd mark it here. yay me. odaat
hope this finds you all well
hope this finds you all well
Friday, June 17, 2011
2 posts in one day...
need a place to vent. recovery friend is standing on my last nerve today and i need to organize my thoughts so that i don't have future amends to make...
it has also triggered mom memories and for that i am grateful, but i have been re-living some of my most painful memories with my mother this morning.
my daughter's best friend is this woman's daughter. and yesterday she called needing help getting ready for her graduation. my friend had taken a shift on the day her 8th grade daughter graduated from middle school. this young girl had no one to help her get ready for her grad and her grad dance and she asked my daughter to help. i knew my daughter might be stepping into a land mine, so i suggested she come here, instead of getting ready by herself alone at home.
i have sensed that this woman, who has lived in our community just under a year now, leans toward narcissism. last night it was confirmed and i watched as she humiliated her daughter in my home, blamed me for it and made it all about her. i relived moments of my own teen years as i saw the daughter fold herself into tight places, her joy of the event stolen and her mother shame, blame and excuse herself for taking an extra shift on her daughter's big day.
i had volunteered the night before to help her. it was brushed aside and was told she wouldn't need any help. i took the little time i had with my family before my meeting last night and cared for this girl. i fed her, flat ironed her hair, gave her little hippy braids to tie back her hair, painted her toes and finger nails - the whole spa treatment. mom came just as i was finishing her nails and crushed us both and had a temper tantrum in my home in front of my children.
i awoke this morning to a "i'm sorry you" email from her and it just iced the cake. i want to blast this woman a new one, but know that will only succeed in driving her further into her martyrdom and blaming. so i'm processing here so that i am calm enough when the next interaction happens...
this has re-framed so much of my childhood - helped me see why i feel responsible for everything around me. so much blame. so much shame. so much martyrdom. because mom was so sick it masked a lot of her worst behavior. her life sucked and we all knew it. but the blame for that suckiness was never her own. she never took responsibility for it. she always put it on me. always.
looking back i am amazed at how clear certain events are now. any large event that cast any light on me (or off of her) was regularly highjacked to be all about her and how difficult her life was because she had to help me with mine. she then used every excuse in the book to make her behaviour okay and mine intolerable.
this daughter is a joy. she is so helpful and sweet. she is being remade into the mother in this relationship and it's so obvious to me in watching this that is what happened to me too. while this was a total pain in the ass, i am so grateful for the living color illustration it has brought...
now where do we go from here?
it has also triggered mom memories and for that i am grateful, but i have been re-living some of my most painful memories with my mother this morning.
my daughter's best friend is this woman's daughter. and yesterday she called needing help getting ready for her graduation. my friend had taken a shift on the day her 8th grade daughter graduated from middle school. this young girl had no one to help her get ready for her grad and her grad dance and she asked my daughter to help. i knew my daughter might be stepping into a land mine, so i suggested she come here, instead of getting ready by herself alone at home.
i have sensed that this woman, who has lived in our community just under a year now, leans toward narcissism. last night it was confirmed and i watched as she humiliated her daughter in my home, blamed me for it and made it all about her. i relived moments of my own teen years as i saw the daughter fold herself into tight places, her joy of the event stolen and her mother shame, blame and excuse herself for taking an extra shift on her daughter's big day.
i had volunteered the night before to help her. it was brushed aside and was told she wouldn't need any help. i took the little time i had with my family before my meeting last night and cared for this girl. i fed her, flat ironed her hair, gave her little hippy braids to tie back her hair, painted her toes and finger nails - the whole spa treatment. mom came just as i was finishing her nails and crushed us both and had a temper tantrum in my home in front of my children.
i awoke this morning to a "i'm sorry you" email from her and it just iced the cake. i want to blast this woman a new one, but know that will only succeed in driving her further into her martyrdom and blaming. so i'm processing here so that i am calm enough when the next interaction happens...
this has re-framed so much of my childhood - helped me see why i feel responsible for everything around me. so much blame. so much shame. so much martyrdom. because mom was so sick it masked a lot of her worst behavior. her life sucked and we all knew it. but the blame for that suckiness was never her own. she never took responsibility for it. she always put it on me. always.
looking back i am amazed at how clear certain events are now. any large event that cast any light on me (or off of her) was regularly highjacked to be all about her and how difficult her life was because she had to help me with mine. she then used every excuse in the book to make her behaviour okay and mine intolerable.
this daughter is a joy. she is so helpful and sweet. she is being remade into the mother in this relationship and it's so obvious to me in watching this that is what happened to me too. while this was a total pain in the ass, i am so grateful for the living color illustration it has brought...
now where do we go from here?
dear sugar
not sure if you're reading sugar, but i highly recommend it - this post about healing from sexual abuse and sex in marriage is so good - want to make sure if anyone hits my blog looking for any help they find it:
read the whole column here: Dear Sugar, Sugar on the Rumpus: The Three Year Dry Hump
Of course you’re right that the sexual abuse your wife experienced as a child may be the reason for her aversion to sex, but it may not be. The good and bad things that happen to our bodies at the hands of others plays out in unpredictable ways over time. It’s folly to draw a straight line between two things when one of those things is sex. Perhaps your wife has made that line so straight and bright that it’s become precisely her problem: she cannot break the thread that runs in her psyche between the abuse and you.
Healing is about breaking threads and making new ones. It’s about redrawing the line between our powerlessness and our power. I don’t agree with you that those who’ve suffered sexual abuse can’t ever heal completely. I think we’re altered by what hurts us, but with love and consciousness, with intention and forgiveness, we’re capable of being whole again. Completely.
I believe myself to be healed. I know a lot of sexual abuse survivors who are. We’re here. We’re waving to you from the other side. We’re taking it all off. We’re getting down and some of us are even getting dirty. We hope your wife will join us.
read the whole column here: Dear Sugar, Sugar on the Rumpus: The Three Year Dry Hump
Thursday, October 14, 2010
celebrating an 11 year milestone today
no time to blog, but wanted to mark my 11 year anniversary of abstinence from my sexual addiction and it has officially been 11 years since i have had chocolate. i have also sat at the side of my bed every night and read the "next" section of the bible, no meditation or thinking, just showing up. one day at a time. thank you god for these past 11 years of sanity and sobriety. i wouldn't be alive today without them. miss you all. wish i had more time to write. oh, and i turned 45 yesterday! :)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
is it any wonder i'm so f*cked up?
welcome to my childhood...
The Playboy Club on Madmen...The View is Better From Up Here
have you ever had a salad served to you by a woman w/ a bunny tail glued to her ass? i have - 6 years old. they had one of these in my home town - it was a resort and my aunt was the head of catering. my father was a "key holder" - we had dinner there at least 3 times i can remember. six years old.
i was flipping through the channels last night - they just changed our cheap cable to include amc - i have watched the first 2 seasons of "mad men" as the time frame is totally my growing up years, but i missed season 3 - and didn't really want to watch 1/2 way into this season, but i couldn't turn the channel when this came on - i was instantly transported back to this horror. how could anyone think this was a good place to bring your wife & daughters? oh my stinkin' heck.
other than that life is good, celebrating 24 years of marriage w/ liam today.
have a good one! miss you all.
The Playboy Club on Madmen...The View is Better From Up Here
have you ever had a salad served to you by a woman w/ a bunny tail glued to her ass? i have - 6 years old. they had one of these in my home town - it was a resort and my aunt was the head of catering. my father was a "key holder" - we had dinner there at least 3 times i can remember. six years old.
i was flipping through the channels last night - they just changed our cheap cable to include amc - i have watched the first 2 seasons of "mad men" as the time frame is totally my growing up years, but i missed season 3 - and didn't really want to watch 1/2 way into this season, but i couldn't turn the channel when this came on - i was instantly transported back to this horror. how could anyone think this was a good place to bring your wife & daughters? oh my stinkin' heck.
other than that life is good, celebrating 24 years of marriage w/ liam today.
have a good one! miss you all.
Monday, July 26, 2010
custer's first stand...
so my dad is here.
since wednesday.
and in the middle of all of this i have been working like a dog to get my friend's house market ready. she moved out of town about a year ago. the bankruptcy of her husband's "flip that house dreams" and some dalliance in infidelity on her part left them ashamed and quick to move on. they should have sold their home at that time, but didn't have the heart to kick their daughter out in her last year of university in our town, so it became a bit of a frat house. no real destruction, but lots of neglect. i needed the money and had the time, and have a huge heart for their story, and when pushed to admit it still very co-dependent with her. because she is 12 hours away i thought that i could help, when it still looked much more like rescue.
anyway - i finished yesterday and was downstairs doing laundry when my dad struck up a conversation about his new favorite tv preacher. ugh. tired and already itchy from his old-time-religious language in the five days we have been together i listened quietly. then he gave me his new book, he ordered 4 copies to make sure that everyone he loved had one. i was touched, but sensing the beginnings of the allergic reaction i have to that kind of conversation. he had his back to me as i thumbed through the book quickly trying to assess what stripe of religion this man was peddling.
self-taught, proof texting, itinerant guy who wants to teach everyone how to "interpret scripture" biblically. ugh. the hives begin to crawl over my skin and i can feel my throat start to contract. must get air....
and he goes on like he's found a new best friend. he is smitten, in love, a twitter. the only thing i can do when he asks me if it's what i believe and what i learned a 'bible college' is say that i have learned over the years that when people aren't building a theology in community you can make scripture say anything you want it to say. removed from the context of accountability (tried to use his language) there is a danger that can come from being a person with that much authority and no balance of responsibility. people like that can be dangerous and that is how cults can form. i said i knew nothing of him but can see from his book that he has never learned in community and isn't within a context of people and that makes me concerned that he could be dangerous.
well that set him off. he grabbed is big old fat bible, whipped it open and shaking threw it in my face - THE verse. the biggie. see i knew you didn't take this seriously anymore. read this, how can you do the things you do, preaching now - this verse tells you you are to be silent and ask you husband if you need to know anything...blah, blah, blah...
by this time i had sat down. and i knew that i had a choice. absolutely exhausted. filthy from work, stressed by having my safe home invaded and knowing that all of the work outside of my house had left my own in need of a lot of attention. i could choose to shut down like my programming had wired me to. know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away... should have run. didn't fold.
i blasted him with both barrels - and once i got going there was NO way to stop.
i said every last thing i have wanted to say to him for 44 years. screeching, bawling, shaking my finger in his face. i was the banshee - and it felt so damn good.
"how can you who spends 23 hours a day watching television, goes to one hour of church a week, and it's even a church that doesn't even believe this shit. how can you come here and judge me, who has devoted herself to serving god since i was 13 years old? you don't know anything about me or my relationship with god. all i have ever wanted in my whole entire life is not big money, or fame or power - but just for you to once look at me and the life i live and say 'i don't get it, but i am so proud of you' - just once"
"if my preaching is a sin, then so is your judgment of me - you have no right to throw this at me, you don't live by this ugly theology and you never have - i lived every jot and tittle for 30 years of my life and you know what? it doesn't work - and you know it - you know that the house you raised me in wasn't that story book christianity you like to spew - you know that mom hated the silence even more than i did" bam, bam, bam.
it was never how i wanted it to happen, but i honestly can say that i don't regret it. i finally stood up to that man who has tried to keep my feet in those tiny, little shoes.
"YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS, you wanted a son, you never loved a daughter, you have never even honored the female parts of me that you always told me were all i had, my home, my family, my silence - you only ever acknowledged me for the male things i did, playing sports, killing animals, scraping their flesh off their bones - those were the only things you ever gave me attention for"
pink heard me 2 stories up. and i was so glad.
"for the past 10 1/2 years i have read the bible, every night before bed, 10 1/2 years! you think i wipe my butt with those pages, but i have devoted my life to those pages, it's all i have ever wanted and i am really good at it. peoples lives, even mens lives are changing because i am telling my story. in your paradigm i haven't even erred, my husband, my pastors, the leaders in my church - all of the people in the umbrella of authority i'm supposed to live my life under (his language, not mine) are inviting me to use the gifts that god has given me. they are all cheering for me - all except you - and guess what - you have given away any authority you have over my life to my husband and god loves me enough to not have me married to a cave man!"
i think i went on for about 5 straight minutes. then he looked at me, cocked his head and said "i guess you've been waiting a long time to tell me that. i think you'll sleep better tonight."
i think the volume and emotion actually cracked a bit in him that an honest conversation (like we had in oregon 2 summers ago - and i had intended to have again) wouldn't have. and it empowered me to know that i honestly really don't need his approval or support. he is a weak, small little man who i love deeply, but have given far too much power over me for far too long.
as i sat on the edge of my bed last night i remembered my word for this year - blaze. i smiled as i realized that the fire burns as it purifies.
i apologized after for the way in which i said those things and that i had wanted to hurt him for the hurt i had felt all of those years. he hugged me and told me that he tells everyone else how much he thinks of me. never could use the words, but i don't really need to hear them anymore.
i am proud of me and mom would be too.
since wednesday.
and in the middle of all of this i have been working like a dog to get my friend's house market ready. she moved out of town about a year ago. the bankruptcy of her husband's "flip that house dreams" and some dalliance in infidelity on her part left them ashamed and quick to move on. they should have sold their home at that time, but didn't have the heart to kick their daughter out in her last year of university in our town, so it became a bit of a frat house. no real destruction, but lots of neglect. i needed the money and had the time, and have a huge heart for their story, and when pushed to admit it still very co-dependent with her. because she is 12 hours away i thought that i could help, when it still looked much more like rescue.
anyway - i finished yesterday and was downstairs doing laundry when my dad struck up a conversation about his new favorite tv preacher. ugh. tired and already itchy from his old-time-religious language in the five days we have been together i listened quietly. then he gave me his new book, he ordered 4 copies to make sure that everyone he loved had one. i was touched, but sensing the beginnings of the allergic reaction i have to that kind of conversation. he had his back to me as i thumbed through the book quickly trying to assess what stripe of religion this man was peddling.
self-taught, proof texting, itinerant guy who wants to teach everyone how to "interpret scripture" biblically. ugh. the hives begin to crawl over my skin and i can feel my throat start to contract. must get air....
and he goes on like he's found a new best friend. he is smitten, in love, a twitter. the only thing i can do when he asks me if it's what i believe and what i learned a 'bible college' is say that i have learned over the years that when people aren't building a theology in community you can make scripture say anything you want it to say. removed from the context of accountability (tried to use his language) there is a danger that can come from being a person with that much authority and no balance of responsibility. people like that can be dangerous and that is how cults can form. i said i knew nothing of him but can see from his book that he has never learned in community and isn't within a context of people and that makes me concerned that he could be dangerous.
well that set him off. he grabbed is big old fat bible, whipped it open and shaking threw it in my face - THE verse. the biggie. see i knew you didn't take this seriously anymore. read this, how can you do the things you do, preaching now - this verse tells you you are to be silent and ask you husband if you need to know anything...blah, blah, blah...
by this time i had sat down. and i knew that i had a choice. absolutely exhausted. filthy from work, stressed by having my safe home invaded and knowing that all of the work outside of my house had left my own in need of a lot of attention. i could choose to shut down like my programming had wired me to. know when to fold 'em, know when to hold 'em, know when to walk away... should have run. didn't fold.
i blasted him with both barrels - and once i got going there was NO way to stop.
i said every last thing i have wanted to say to him for 44 years. screeching, bawling, shaking my finger in his face. i was the banshee - and it felt so damn good.
"how can you who spends 23 hours a day watching television, goes to one hour of church a week, and it's even a church that doesn't even believe this shit. how can you come here and judge me, who has devoted herself to serving god since i was 13 years old? you don't know anything about me or my relationship with god. all i have ever wanted in my whole entire life is not big money, or fame or power - but just for you to once look at me and the life i live and say 'i don't get it, but i am so proud of you' - just once"
"if my preaching is a sin, then so is your judgment of me - you have no right to throw this at me, you don't live by this ugly theology and you never have - i lived every jot and tittle for 30 years of my life and you know what? it doesn't work - and you know it - you know that the house you raised me in wasn't that story book christianity you like to spew - you know that mom hated the silence even more than i did" bam, bam, bam.
it was never how i wanted it to happen, but i honestly can say that i don't regret it. i finally stood up to that man who has tried to keep my feet in those tiny, little shoes.
"YOU NEVER LOVED ME FOR WHO I WAS, you wanted a son, you never loved a daughter, you have never even honored the female parts of me that you always told me were all i had, my home, my family, my silence - you only ever acknowledged me for the male things i did, playing sports, killing animals, scraping their flesh off their bones - those were the only things you ever gave me attention for"
pink heard me 2 stories up. and i was so glad.
"for the past 10 1/2 years i have read the bible, every night before bed, 10 1/2 years! you think i wipe my butt with those pages, but i have devoted my life to those pages, it's all i have ever wanted and i am really good at it. peoples lives, even mens lives are changing because i am telling my story. in your paradigm i haven't even erred, my husband, my pastors, the leaders in my church - all of the people in the umbrella of authority i'm supposed to live my life under (his language, not mine) are inviting me to use the gifts that god has given me. they are all cheering for me - all except you - and guess what - you have given away any authority you have over my life to my husband and god loves me enough to not have me married to a cave man!"
i think i went on for about 5 straight minutes. then he looked at me, cocked his head and said "i guess you've been waiting a long time to tell me that. i think you'll sleep better tonight."
i think the volume and emotion actually cracked a bit in him that an honest conversation (like we had in oregon 2 summers ago - and i had intended to have again) wouldn't have. and it empowered me to know that i honestly really don't need his approval or support. he is a weak, small little man who i love deeply, but have given far too much power over me for far too long.
as i sat on the edge of my bed last night i remembered my word for this year - blaze. i smiled as i realized that the fire burns as it purifies.
i apologized after for the way in which i said those things and that i had wanted to hurt him for the hurt i had felt all of those years. he hugged me and told me that he tells everyone else how much he thinks of me. never could use the words, but i don't really need to hear them anymore.
i am proud of me and mom would be too.
Monday, July 19, 2010
how much god loves me
do you want to know how much god loves me and my recovery? i found out yesterday and am amazed.
i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.
i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.
i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"
she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"
she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.
this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.
in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.
the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.
so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.
i live in a small university town, it's a very distinctive school, attracts very creative, postmodern people of faith who really care about the world. many people relocate here later in life to change course - kind of like me, so we regularly have new families move into our community and it's always very exciting. i had been hearing rumblings of that very thing and it creates a lot of energy and excitement because they usually have kids and we're all very curious as to what grades they will be in and if our kids will have new friends soon.
i was at our community's summer fun spot yesterday picnicking with friends and the mum of the new family had arrived early, she had immigration issues to sort out so that her family could follow her soon. i watched her engage in the group, wondering if she was going to be the type of person i would naturally click with. she was eating health food and so very tiny - i judged from a distance that she was kind and outgoing, but figured that we'd be acquaintances, but probably not friends.
i hung back throughout the day as she conversed with others and i had some great talks with friends, watched my kids kayak, swim and ride the atvs. at the very end of the day i heard her talking about hopping borders and how it makes buying a home so difficult, establishing residency and all of the other big stuff of international moves. i waited until there was a break in the conversation and introduced myself and said that i had just been through all of those things recently and would be more than happy to help with anything. she said "oh, i know who you are and i have to give you a great big hug!"
she comes over to me, gives me a huge squeeze, kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear "i'm a recovering compulsive overeater and bulimic and i heard your talks on the drive up here and i couldn't wait to meet you!"
she told me that she had to drive an hour to get to a meeting back in her home state and how when they were considering their move back here (she did some of her undergrad at the university years ago) she skeptically checked the OA website to see if there were any meetings and found out that there was one, not only in the town she was moving to, but that met in the very church she already called home.
this meeting has been a constant frustration for me recently. the woman i started with is in full blown relapse (and angry at me), her husband who kept coming for months after couldn't do the pull between both worlds and stopped coming and hasn't been seen for months and the two newbies who do come really just want to loose weight without all of that 12 steps stuff and one of them is the wife of the couple with whom i have had all of the painful history. (who liam and i have sent a letter asking for mediation because our community is so small that i can't be in the same room with them without it causing me great amounts of stress - but they have blown off, not acknowledged and acted like everything is "normal") she is the master of denial and lives in such a self constructed world - i don't know how she does it as she acts like my best friend in group, still invites us to get togethers, but when it comes time to anything below the surface she fades and folds.
in a recovery group of 3 people it makes a meeting much less than one could hope for.
the beauty of the program is that it is so strong that the routine and the prayers are enough for me - but in a small town i did not know if there would ever be real kindred souls who get recovery enough to find an echo of support f2f again. this changes everything.
so the hug and deep conversation after left us both teary and rejoicing that god's will for my life has presents like this along the way.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
cool brain study on addiction and relapse
great article on why "cheating" on a food plan engages the worst parts of us - useful for all addictive behaviors:
Extinction Burst
Extinction Burst
Monday, July 12, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Pride of Imperfection
WOW - as I finish up my step 7 work this week I needed this kick in the pants - would LOVE a friend like this in my life who can speak the truth so plainly to me:
All this preoccupation with your own imperfection is not humility, but an insidious form of spiritual pride. What do you expect to be? A saint? There are desperately few of them; and even they found their faults, which are the raw material of sanctity remember. You know best when and how you fall into these various pitfalls. Try and control yourself when you see the temptation coming. Pull yourself up and make an act of contrition when you catch yourself doing any of the things.
Never allow yourself to be pessimistic about your own state. Look outward instead of inward; and when you are inclined to be depressed and think you are getting on badly, make an act of thanksgiving instead because others are getting on well. The object of your salvation is God's Glory, not your happiness. So, be content to help, remaining yourself in the lowest place. Merge yourself in the great life of the Christian family. You have tied yourself up so tight in that accursed individualism of yours--the source of all your difficulties--that it is a marvel you can breathe at all.
Source: The Letters of Evelyn Underhill
Monday, April 26, 2010
step 5
spent saturday driving to the middle of absolute nowhere to meet my sponsor to give my step 5. we live about four hours away from each other, so we split the difference and met 1/2 way. we sat at a place called "the million dollar view" and it was beautiful. my family drove with me and sacrificed a lovely saturday trying to find something to do in the middle of nowhere. god bless them. we really had no idea it was so far from anything. they are good sports.
as i sat in her car, this woman who is committed to me, but nearly a stranger - i felt safe and assured that she was the right one to hear this. it is the fifth time i have done the fifth step. each time scraping away at the debris as i climb this spiral staircase known as the 12 steps. each time i pass by the familiar parts of my life - sometimes i have to face again the similar things because they still cause pain or i still have resentments. but surprisingly each time there are things that no longer push that button or pull that puppet string like they used to. and i am amazed. in awe of the process. things that used to baffle us....
it was a totally new process this time, really well done, charts based on the big book wording done in such an intuitive, nearly inspired way - i made connections this time through that i have never made before. it was a really good process.
i did have to face the crap from these past 2 years though and i did not like that one bit. face first in the refuse pile is not my favorite place to be. i had to admit my part in my community falling apart. i had to face my pain and resentments toward those who had hurt me so badly and i had to own my own desperate need for attention and approval and know that in these next few steps there will need to be amends made and character defects given to god.
it was grueling at times. face first. god help me. admitting my greatest character defect, my desperate need for approval and attention from spiritual men in authority (whatever the hell that means - and yes, i am untangling it) - mostly my dad - and the lack thereof has torn off a piece of my shielding and left me so vulnerable.
as i spoke with liam this week i acknowledged that there could not have been a more "perfect cocktail" prepared for me than the person i struggled with for the past two years. it truly has very little to do with him - but our velcro of needs pulled us together in a fearful way and it leaves me scared that it could happen again. we have not had any meaningful contact in ages. but the fear remains.
his wife means so much to me - she is in my recovery group and the hardest part of all of this has been my desire for absolution from her. i know this probably will fall into that place of 'more harm than good' - she is in great denial of this whole process. i am not the only woman her husband has sought out - this is far greater than just me - but for my part i truly want to look her in the eyes and apologize. having to admit that i wanted to "beat her" in the competition for his attention (to even the score on all of the great and wonderful things she has that i do not) was absolutely the lowest point in my recent history. i wanted to wretch when i had to first write it down, and again when i said it to god, again to myself, and thirdly to another human being... so i'm writing it here now too - hoping against hope that it will lessen it's shame as i truly don't know if i will ever be able to make direct amends.
i know that amends are 3 steps away - and wisdom and strength will be given when the time is needed, but today it still holds so much power over me, and i want it gone for today. i feel so weak, so needy and nearly desperate to fill myself back up. i am shaky, physically feeling wrung out and wanting to isolate myself in a deep way.
i have an hour or so left of reflection before i move on to step six. i will be spending time with god and the big book and looking back at the process and answering a few questions. my sponsor has also given me a mantra. 10x a day when i wake up and 10x a day before i go to sleep. it's only three lines - but i am having a horrible time remembering it. i can't even type it from memory right now - so i am searching for where i wrote it down.
found it...
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
couldn't remember competent. those words choke in my throat. i know that one day i might believe them. today i am turning them into an art piece to place next to my bed so i won't forget or have an excuse. i also found a sheet that has prayers for each step from an old OA newsletter. this is the one for step 5:
higher power,
my inventory has shown me who i am,
yet i ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to you.
assure me, and be with me, in this step, for without this step i cannot progress in my recovery.
with your help, i can do this and will do it. amen.
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
fake it till ya make it, eh? i can do this, and i will do this. amen.
as i sat in her car, this woman who is committed to me, but nearly a stranger - i felt safe and assured that she was the right one to hear this. it is the fifth time i have done the fifth step. each time scraping away at the debris as i climb this spiral staircase known as the 12 steps. each time i pass by the familiar parts of my life - sometimes i have to face again the similar things because they still cause pain or i still have resentments. but surprisingly each time there are things that no longer push that button or pull that puppet string like they used to. and i am amazed. in awe of the process. things that used to baffle us....
it was a totally new process this time, really well done, charts based on the big book wording done in such an intuitive, nearly inspired way - i made connections this time through that i have never made before. it was a really good process.
i did have to face the crap from these past 2 years though and i did not like that one bit. face first in the refuse pile is not my favorite place to be. i had to admit my part in my community falling apart. i had to face my pain and resentments toward those who had hurt me so badly and i had to own my own desperate need for attention and approval and know that in these next few steps there will need to be amends made and character defects given to god.
it was grueling at times. face first. god help me. admitting my greatest character defect, my desperate need for approval and attention from spiritual men in authority (whatever the hell that means - and yes, i am untangling it) - mostly my dad - and the lack thereof has torn off a piece of my shielding and left me so vulnerable.
as i spoke with liam this week i acknowledged that there could not have been a more "perfect cocktail" prepared for me than the person i struggled with for the past two years. it truly has very little to do with him - but our velcro of needs pulled us together in a fearful way and it leaves me scared that it could happen again. we have not had any meaningful contact in ages. but the fear remains.
his wife means so much to me - she is in my recovery group and the hardest part of all of this has been my desire for absolution from her. i know this probably will fall into that place of 'more harm than good' - she is in great denial of this whole process. i am not the only woman her husband has sought out - this is far greater than just me - but for my part i truly want to look her in the eyes and apologize. having to admit that i wanted to "beat her" in the competition for his attention (to even the score on all of the great and wonderful things she has that i do not) was absolutely the lowest point in my recent history. i wanted to wretch when i had to first write it down, and again when i said it to god, again to myself, and thirdly to another human being... so i'm writing it here now too - hoping against hope that it will lessen it's shame as i truly don't know if i will ever be able to make direct amends.
i know that amends are 3 steps away - and wisdom and strength will be given when the time is needed, but today it still holds so much power over me, and i want it gone for today. i feel so weak, so needy and nearly desperate to fill myself back up. i am shaky, physically feeling wrung out and wanting to isolate myself in a deep way.
i have an hour or so left of reflection before i move on to step six. i will be spending time with god and the big book and looking back at the process and answering a few questions. my sponsor has also given me a mantra. 10x a day when i wake up and 10x a day before i go to sleep. it's only three lines - but i am having a horrible time remembering it. i can't even type it from memory right now - so i am searching for where i wrote it down.
found it...
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
couldn't remember competent. those words choke in my throat. i know that one day i might believe them. today i am turning them into an art piece to place next to my bed so i won't forget or have an excuse. i also found a sheet that has prayers for each step from an old OA newsletter. this is the one for step 5:
higher power,
my inventory has shown me who i am,
yet i ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to another person and to you.
assure me, and be with me, in this step, for without this step i cannot progress in my recovery.
with your help, i can do this and will do it. amen.
i am capable
i am competent
and i am worthy.
fake it till ya make it, eh? i can do this, and i will do this. amen.
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