who is bobbie? - relaunch

this was originally posted as my first blog back on may 24, 2004

bobbie was my mom, she was a woman in a man's church too. she never found her voice. maybe this blog will help both of us recover what was lost to us, what we wanted to say, were told we couldn't say and heal the rift that was created between our souls and god.

she was such a strong woman. i hated her for that. the church told me women were supposed to be meek, mild and silent. she managed that at church, but at home she ruled the roost. i thought her a hypocrite, and i resented her and her inability to be "submissive" at home. oh how little i understood, oh how i'd love the chance to tell her 'i get it now'.

she was 'saved' in her thirties and wanted nothing more than to use her strong gifts for god. she was twarted at every turn. told that women and children were her only outlet, or maybe cooking at camp. that's where god wanted her to serve him.

her resentment and anger at god is something i can see now looking back. 'saved' for this? there's got to be more. she was 2 generations ahead of herself. she would have loved blogging. she was such a frustrated writer.

i can still see her at her 'smith corona' typewriter with her white out and typing paper. she'd type christian romance novels because thats all she thought anyone would ever want to read. they were horrible. if she would have written about her pain, about her anger, about her experiences with being terminally ill she could have released some of her talent. instead she made up stories that she thought publishers would want to read. they didn't.

some of my most vivid memories are of her getting the mail, and the big manila envelopes would come back with rejection letters and she'd be crushed, heart broken and rejected.

she is now my muse. my inspiriation. i need to say these things because they need to be said, not read, or published or validated, just because they need to be said. for both of us.

figuring out the damage that my religious heritage wrought in our lives this past year for me has been a journey of discovery. exposing the lies and the misogyny of that denomination has freed me to unlock years of spiritual abuse and self loathing, oh and don't forget god loathing.

i've fallen in love with bobbie again. all of those years i spent misunderstanding her, hating the things about myself that reminded me of her i now adore. they have replaced the anger and confusion i felt toward her, given me back my mother. it was easier being angry. i didn't miss her so much. but today, i'm grieving for her again as i type.

so mom, this blog is my tribute to you. i wish it was a book dedication or something more lasting or profound, but we'll have to start here. i miss you.