wow - thanks so much for your comments and encouragement and prayers about the situation with my father yesterday!
for those of you who don't know my father lives with us. so most of the time we get along just fine. he's not very interactive verbally, but he is a huge help around the house and is the most generous man i know - so those feelings i had surged out i suspected were there, but had never engaged before.
blogging it was like lancing out the poison. i felt so much better once i was able to type it all out, like a blogging purge. i'm sure your prayers were a big help in that too! i was able to just say 'hey dad, i'm so sorry i lost my temper yesterday.' i knew he wanted to just get past it, and then i said 'i really wouldn't have minded if you called her over by saying 'hey pink, want to see a crawly bug?' and giving her the option of saying 'no' - i just knew she is at a stage where bugs aren't her favorite right now.' he kind of denied he was going to do it, said he just wanted to show me, and i let it drop.
i spoke with my therapist months ago about beginning to process my 'dad stuff'. my mom stuff, at least the stuff i've been able to mine out is pretty much dealt with. but i know my 'dad stuff' is lying in wait. i'd like to get it out of the way on my end so that i can care for him properly as he ages. he's a type one diabetic and a sugar addict, so he could fade very fast. he still plays basketball and is an active hunter/fisherman - so he's not on his death bed. but i know that with the little care he takes of himself sometimes an infected toe nail could require amputation if not treated properly and in a timely fashion.
we have talked at length about filling in the gaps in my mind of what he did in his youth and mine. we talk about 'history', not emotions. it's okay. i love him dearly, i just want my emotions owned and dealt with so they don't sneak up on me when i have to be the 'caretaker'. i've seen too many times ugly resentments have poisoned those relationships, and owning my side of things and the emotions that were created because of the past felt and processed.
monday was the beginning of that process i think, and it really is an answer to prayer. i'd love it if he'd journey along and find healing, but i'm okay with him just being him and seeing the wonderful parts and living with the rest, with grace and love. thanks for your prayers!