Friday, April 15, 2005

me and the deep blue sea


my friend lily used a term that describes me and where i've been just perfectly today. i feel like i'm underwater. not drowning per say, just submerged. like nothing is getting in, and nothing is getting out.

these past couple of months have been different for me, my health/hormones/brain activity has been off somehow and it's making me feel a bit distant. i know my writing is affected, and i haven't gone near anything really deep or meaningful. i think that is why i was tempted to restart the garden. i could ride off of your thoughts for a bit instead of having to get in touch with my own.

liam and i are spending the time i would have spent blogging together reading and processing, and so i haven't closed myself up from the world, i just know that if i can talk about other things nothing will come too close to get to the stuff i know i really need to be talking about. the stuff that makes me uncomfortable.

i know that somethings have changed, a lot even for the better, but i really can't put my finger on what it really is that i've lost ahold of that has brought me to this place. i spend so much time thinking and in silence that i really convince myself that i'm spending time with THEM. i know that's really what it is though, that dwelling in the middle of my stuff with THEM just seems so raw, so intense, and far too intimidating. these things i know to be lies, i just can't seem to make myself care.

i have been using new things as crutches, things i never suspected could be used, and that has thrown me off course. those sly, slick little dependencies that don't look like compulsive behaviors, or crutches, but when the thought of kicking them out from under me comes to mind i realize just how much they've become idols in my life. yuck. i know spring cleaning is coming. i know i can't go on this way. i'm just in a short season of overwhelming busy-ness and know that i've got miles to go before i rest.

i am a home body, i used to be ashamed of that, but i'm not any more. i really like home and my family and my life. some of my book ideas are really taking wing and i am enjoying the peace that comes from knowing i'm doing what i love to do... most of the time. and then i get swept up into 'pastor's wife' or just plain life sometimes and i dread what the calendar holds. then i think "am i isolating? am i living in fear, or just really enjoying being home and writing? is all of the isolation the cause of my course change, or is it that i'm not doing the maintenance that i used to do?"

i really don't know. either way, i'm off to a retreat with my women's group this weekend and if nothing else the change of pace will be quite refreshing. i'm bringing my journal and my two new books (that i bought retail at a store! so not me!) along - The Mermaid Chair, and The Tale of Despereaux (kate dicamillo is my new favorite author!)

i justified my extravagance by saying despereaux was for pink - but we all know it's really for me, right? :)

so please pray for me, i'd really like to stop being underwater, stop being afraid of whatever it is that i'm afraid of and get back on course. much love ya'll! have a great weekend, i'll post if i get near a computer.

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