Tuesday, August 01, 2006

healthy, unwealthy & hopefully wise

just returned from the doctor today. everything looks good. yipee! i had let the test results sit for a bit at the office before i scheduled my appointment. i'm not sure why - i think i was a bit afraid. my cholesterol and blood sugar probably had me a bit freaked out - i'm not the most 'in shape' woman - so it would follow that those two areas could be problem areas for me. my numbers for both were VERY GOOD according to my doctor. it was a very encouraging visit. i really like her. it's a good thing because she's the only dr. taking patients in our area. her manner is so good for me, unlike the doctor i put up with for the past five years in pennsylvania. i'm angry at myself for having done that. she was insulting and lacked so much initiative. going to see her was like going to see that 'debbie downer' character off of SNL.

and now to the 'unwealthy' part... things got complicated financially for us - too many bank accounts open and just too much information. i got overwhelmed about a month ago and i shut down. i am ashamed to admit it -i just set it all aside and pretended. one of our old PA accounts needed attention, and i didn't give it, and i also didn't think to alert liam, because my denial was so big. i kept saying 'we really need to take a day and look at our finances' - and when he would suggest beach combing, or working around the house i readily agreed, again, avoiding the finances. well, yesterday we cleaned up the mess i (we) made - i say "i" because it has always been part of my 'portfolio' previously - i really resented that. liam didn't have to think or concern himself with any of our bills or accounts. i handled it. and up before it got complicated i did a REALLY good job. when it got overwhelming i just shut down.

i can't put words to how less full my head and conscience feels today with all of that handled. i blogged here about how keeping on top of our finances was a big indicator of my recovery well-being. i hadn't realized how much it affects my mental health and well being too. it literally was a monkey on my back. i am sad that i had forgotten the power being on top of our finances gives me - and how debilitating having our finances 'on top' of me is. lesson learned... now hopefully it can also be remembered.

i head tomorrow for my mammogram - it will also feel amazing to have that behind me too!

maybe clear heads and consciences will make way for much more serenity and wholeness.

here's a good quote from bonhoeffer i stumbled across regarding wisdom:
To understand reality is not the same as to know about outward events. It is to perceive the essential nature of things. The best-informed man is not necessarily the wisest. Indeed there is a danger that precisely in the multiplicity of his knowledge he will lose sight of what is essential. But on the other hand, knowledge of an apparently trivial detail quite often makes it possible to see into the depth of things. And so the wise man will seek to acquire the best possible knowledge about events, but always without becoming dependent upon this knowledge. To recognize the significant in the factual is wisdom.
may we all be wise in the significant depth of things and reality!


blair said...

Yea for health! And I really relate to your perception of the finances either being controlled or controlling you. I handle ALL our finances and when it gets a little overwhelming I feel horrible and out of control. Your lifestyle imbalance blog brought some clarity to that for me. It helped define something I know at some gut level but never put words to. Thanks for that. Now when I have a day when I feel like everything is spiraling I stop and think about what things might be out of control and take steps to regain it. We have a whole lot of financial change coming up this year (college, job change for bryan, mondo...) and there have been moments that I have felt huge anxiety. This entry really helped remind me to stay on track. Interesting that you wrote about health and finances. Perceptive that one can greatly effect the other. Ok, sorry for such a long comment, but I really get great encouragement from how honestly you write.

Patchouli said...

bobbie, sometimes I think we were separated at birth. My table was covered with our financial stuff last week as I plowed through it.
And, yes, my denial is active, too. Time to slay that beast!