Finally I have so much to write about and no time to write. I owe emails and have so many blog post ideas in my head but life has gotten so busy. I can't wait for school to start next week - I hate that the week before my kids go back is filled up with a major project deadline that is overwhelming me at the moment.
I also hate that we have lost our cool, east coast weather and inherited the ugly mid-west humidity we have avoided for most of August. All my kids want to do is swim and have friends over and I don't have time/energy to do either. I know that I have enough time to do what needs to be done - it's just that the thoughts linger in the back of my mind that I am forgetting something...
Oh well - all I really wanted to say is that I'm not ignoring you if I owe you an email, I just want to give it more time than I have right now. Sorry for the whinging, I promise it will be over soon!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
i am officially writing
i have officially begun writing the story that has been floating in my head for the past 3-4 years. i've only told two people about it and i need to pour any steam i can generate into the writing instead of the talking about it - but it feels good to have finally begun to put pen to paper (and actually it is pen to paper as it has always been moleskine and pen, not computer and typing so far). when inspiration strikes i just have to put the thoughts down on paper.
i'm really loving it. so if you pray please do so for me to keep embracing the creativity when it comes.
i'm really loving it. so if you pray please do so for me to keep embracing the creativity when it comes.
Friday, August 17, 2007
heat and light
i have been having a conversation with a friend via email where i used the term "more heat than light". she asked me to explain it and as i typed out my answer i thought it might make a good blog post - and because they are so few and far between lately i'll take anything i can get! :)
i used to be quite the scrapper in groups of people - eager to state my views and beliefs and argue theology left and right. i think it was one of my ways of dealing with my misbelief that i was an "extrovert" as my social discomfort was soothed by making everyone else in the room uncomfortable... sigh.
i now judge my participation in conversations by whether they are generating "heat" or "light" - if it's a debate I want no part of it any more - (i used to think that every time there was more than one view in the room it had to be a debate or an argument) - now i know that different views can be in the same room without it escalating into chaos and anger. it's been one of the best gifts emergent has given to me. not having to CORRECT everyone's theology before the end of the discussion. gosh it's tiring being the holy spirit! :p
so if people are there to argue i want no part of it - if they are there to speak and listen i'll gladly join in. i want light - not heat. does that make sense?
it's how i judge conversations with people of other faiths too (especially those of the "old time religion" i used to participate in) - i used to try to argue them away - now i'll gladly talk if there is a real conversation happening. i don't live in fear that they will pollute me or my beliefs - or that I AM THE ONLY JESUS THEY WILL EVER SEE... sigh. it's exhausting being jesus too! :)
i used to be quite the scrapper in groups of people - eager to state my views and beliefs and argue theology left and right. i think it was one of my ways of dealing with my misbelief that i was an "extrovert" as my social discomfort was soothed by making everyone else in the room uncomfortable... sigh.
i now judge my participation in conversations by whether they are generating "heat" or "light" - if it's a debate I want no part of it any more - (i used to think that every time there was more than one view in the room it had to be a debate or an argument) - now i know that different views can be in the same room without it escalating into chaos and anger. it's been one of the best gifts emergent has given to me. not having to CORRECT everyone's theology before the end of the discussion. gosh it's tiring being the holy spirit! :p
so if people are there to argue i want no part of it - if they are there to speak and listen i'll gladly join in. i want light - not heat. does that make sense?
it's how i judge conversations with people of other faiths too (especially those of the "old time religion" i used to participate in) - i used to try to argue them away - now i'll gladly talk if there is a real conversation happening. i don't live in fear that they will pollute me or my beliefs - or that I AM THE ONLY JESUS THEY WILL EVER SEE... sigh. it's exhausting being jesus too! :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
HA!
This just appeared in my google clips and it made me laugh out loud:
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." - Stephen Fry
"I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me." - Stephen Fry
a crisis of confidence
these past few weeks have been difficult ones for me. coming back from vacation i was ready to engage in summer and our community and i realized that in the hub-bub of prepping for the trip and being away we had kind of fallen off the map. i have been struggling with the realization that while i love this community it is not perfect. i am a bit of an optimistic denial junkie when i come upon something/someone new. i am so afraid to admit the flaws, that some things are wrong, or identify problems for fear that by beginning to do so everything will fall to pieces around me.
i am feeling so much better since i really spent time last week pondering all of this and put the pieces of the puzzle together last weekend. i have traced back a lot of the anxiety i was feeling to the end of last november. it was a grand month for me. i got to preach my first "sermon" (although i would never really call anything i'd want/do a sermon personally), i got to attend the national youth workers convention in cincinatti and then spoke at my first women's retreat. it was a high for me on a lot of levels.
december is such a month of inconsistencies - everyone's schedule changes, families tuck in and just the chaos of the holidays brings so much change. i enjoyed december, but felt pretty lost and alone for the rest of the winter months. it was a dry winter. liam was just coming out of his deep, dark place and i think i had been holding it together up to that point and when he got stronger i was able to be weak.
going away and being with our families on the holiday was nice in it's way, but it also really emphasized how very different we are from them and how little we really have in common with those who share our blood. it's a sad realization and left us both feeling a bit of grief. coming back to this place we held such high hopes (at least i did) for re-engaging with deep people, deep thoughts and cultivating rich community. the realization that much had moved on without us left me feeling so rejected.
rejection, whether real of perceived pushes major buttons in my life. especially church rejection. while none of this "rejection" was active, it was a kind of 'benevolent neglect' and still made me panic nonetheless - when i showed up somewhere i was welcomed, but my insecurities and the psycho tapes that play in my head wind me into a wobbly vulnerable place and eventually seclusion or begrudging participation in activities that i don't fully engage in because of my shredded self confidence. i am my worst enemy.
the big ah-ha that helped me this weekend was when i realized that there is a deep theological difference that i hold from my community here. our space here is very healing. many, like us, relocate here after woundings and major life changes. for a town of 5000 and a church of less than 300 when the students are here we have had 8-10 families transplant here since we have arrived. i love it because it is a hybrid of ancient, postmodern, charismatic & evangelical thought that is truly beautiful. i have learned so much about the holy spirit, prayer and healing since i have arrived. none of it is high-pressure, emotionally driven intensity, but a beautiful, welcoming space. very different from most of what we've seen in other churches.
the ah-ha i had this past weekend lies between what i believe and what many around me practice, although they may not "preach it". it is a subtle one, and the reason i think it was so hard for me to see.
i believe that while miracles are possible and do happen there is usually far more healing in the journey and that living in the tension of the "now and the not yet" is where god meets us. i believe that talking about the journey and telling our stories in the present tense, and not just the past is vital to real community. and i can sense that makes some people really uncomfortable.
i realized that most who come here broken are ministered to and expected to be "healed" and move from the healing category to the "healed" category. i am unable to do that. i have sensed frustration on the part of some in leadership that we haven't been miracles. that we are still living in the tension. that we can't seem post our addictions and struggles in the "past" column and move on. you see one of my super-hero powers is the inability to be fake. i just can't pretend.
i have observed this community for over 20 months now and have seen too many of the "healers" lives not being lived in freedom. i see their needs, so like my own, not owned or admitted for fear of loosing status, or healing, or admitting problems so that would indicate that their "faith" might not be real enough to "claim the miracle". again, these things are never said out loud. i just think that they come from roots of past churches and old theology that hasn't been brought into the light (yet).
i realized that i have felt like a failure because of this. for months now i have shamed myself and berated myself and felt the rejection of the perceived failure to take up the "healed" mantle and move past those things for the sake of their ministry. again, it is subtle. i have seen it blatantly in other churches. from the stage at our church these words aren't spoken, and actually support for what i am choosing is given - but deep down those pentecostal roots run deep and the pressure is passive, but it is there nonetheless.
in the netherworld between sleep and wakefulness this weekend i realized that i had believed that this meant that i was going backwards. broken, more broken than before. that i was faithless and if i just believed i wouldn't struggle so. as i shook off those thoughts i realized that the WHOLE person lives in the tension. the WHOLE person knows that the journey is about the process and living the emotions we are given fully and not medicating them away, but inviting god into the process. it felt like i was given my serenity and sanity back. i haven't changed. i didn't loose something i once had. i had just given it away momentarily because of this subtle pressure.
i have it back now and know that what i believe is mine. some people might be avoiding me because they don't want to be near the tension. that's okay. i don't have to pretend anymore that i believe i am "past" anything. i think one of the shortfalls of scripture (gasp) is that no one is ever tracked "after" the miracle happens. lazarus came back from the dead, but man i'm sure at some point afterward he was pretty pissed at jesus for letting him die. blind bartameus had to get a job now. he no longer could beg - he had no skills, he had to cope with the "after-affects" of the healing - it changed everything, it didn't make it all shiny and perfect. yes, he could see, but dang, now he could see. life still goes on. the process and the tension doesn't go away.
i no longer will abide by the silent pressure - the wounded healer is who i am called to be. not living out of my pain - but admitting it if it is real, inviting god into it and healing in the process. i will be grateful for the miraculous if it is bestowed upon me - but i am no longer doubting that this is the truth i am called to live out.
crisis averted.
i am feeling so much better since i really spent time last week pondering all of this and put the pieces of the puzzle together last weekend. i have traced back a lot of the anxiety i was feeling to the end of last november. it was a grand month for me. i got to preach my first "sermon" (although i would never really call anything i'd want/do a sermon personally), i got to attend the national youth workers convention in cincinatti and then spoke at my first women's retreat. it was a high for me on a lot of levels.
december is such a month of inconsistencies - everyone's schedule changes, families tuck in and just the chaos of the holidays brings so much change. i enjoyed december, but felt pretty lost and alone for the rest of the winter months. it was a dry winter. liam was just coming out of his deep, dark place and i think i had been holding it together up to that point and when he got stronger i was able to be weak.
going away and being with our families on the holiday was nice in it's way, but it also really emphasized how very different we are from them and how little we really have in common with those who share our blood. it's a sad realization and left us both feeling a bit of grief. coming back to this place we held such high hopes (at least i did) for re-engaging with deep people, deep thoughts and cultivating rich community. the realization that much had moved on without us left me feeling so rejected.
rejection, whether real of perceived pushes major buttons in my life. especially church rejection. while none of this "rejection" was active, it was a kind of 'benevolent neglect' and still made me panic nonetheless - when i showed up somewhere i was welcomed, but my insecurities and the psycho tapes that play in my head wind me into a wobbly vulnerable place and eventually seclusion or begrudging participation in activities that i don't fully engage in because of my shredded self confidence. i am my worst enemy.
the big ah-ha that helped me this weekend was when i realized that there is a deep theological difference that i hold from my community here. our space here is very healing. many, like us, relocate here after woundings and major life changes. for a town of 5000 and a church of less than 300 when the students are here we have had 8-10 families transplant here since we have arrived. i love it because it is a hybrid of ancient, postmodern, charismatic & evangelical thought that is truly beautiful. i have learned so much about the holy spirit, prayer and healing since i have arrived. none of it is high-pressure, emotionally driven intensity, but a beautiful, welcoming space. very different from most of what we've seen in other churches.
the ah-ha i had this past weekend lies between what i believe and what many around me practice, although they may not "preach it". it is a subtle one, and the reason i think it was so hard for me to see.
i believe that while miracles are possible and do happen there is usually far more healing in the journey and that living in the tension of the "now and the not yet" is where god meets us. i believe that talking about the journey and telling our stories in the present tense, and not just the past is vital to real community. and i can sense that makes some people really uncomfortable.
i realized that most who come here broken are ministered to and expected to be "healed" and move from the healing category to the "healed" category. i am unable to do that. i have sensed frustration on the part of some in leadership that we haven't been miracles. that we are still living in the tension. that we can't seem post our addictions and struggles in the "past" column and move on. you see one of my super-hero powers is the inability to be fake. i just can't pretend.
i have observed this community for over 20 months now and have seen too many of the "healers" lives not being lived in freedom. i see their needs, so like my own, not owned or admitted for fear of loosing status, or healing, or admitting problems so that would indicate that their "faith" might not be real enough to "claim the miracle". again, these things are never said out loud. i just think that they come from roots of past churches and old theology that hasn't been brought into the light (yet).
i realized that i have felt like a failure because of this. for months now i have shamed myself and berated myself and felt the rejection of the perceived failure to take up the "healed" mantle and move past those things for the sake of their ministry. again, it is subtle. i have seen it blatantly in other churches. from the stage at our church these words aren't spoken, and actually support for what i am choosing is given - but deep down those pentecostal roots run deep and the pressure is passive, but it is there nonetheless.
in the netherworld between sleep and wakefulness this weekend i realized that i had believed that this meant that i was going backwards. broken, more broken than before. that i was faithless and if i just believed i wouldn't struggle so. as i shook off those thoughts i realized that the WHOLE person lives in the tension. the WHOLE person knows that the journey is about the process and living the emotions we are given fully and not medicating them away, but inviting god into the process. it felt like i was given my serenity and sanity back. i haven't changed. i didn't loose something i once had. i had just given it away momentarily because of this subtle pressure.
i have it back now and know that what i believe is mine. some people might be avoiding me because they don't want to be near the tension. that's okay. i don't have to pretend anymore that i believe i am "past" anything. i think one of the shortfalls of scripture (gasp) is that no one is ever tracked "after" the miracle happens. lazarus came back from the dead, but man i'm sure at some point afterward he was pretty pissed at jesus for letting him die. blind bartameus had to get a job now. he no longer could beg - he had no skills, he had to cope with the "after-affects" of the healing - it changed everything, it didn't make it all shiny and perfect. yes, he could see, but dang, now he could see. life still goes on. the process and the tension doesn't go away.
i no longer will abide by the silent pressure - the wounded healer is who i am called to be. not living out of my pain - but admitting it if it is real, inviting god into it and healing in the process. i will be grateful for the miraculous if it is bestowed upon me - but i am no longer doubting that this is the truth i am called to live out.
crisis averted.
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
csi my mother
in the organization of last weekend i finally tackled a large trunk of musty, mothy paperwork that i have lugged (oh who am i kidding - liam lugged) from pillar to post on the many moves we had made. i had thought it was filled with my mother's old writing. i was wrong. it was a treasure chest. filled with bounty from my childhood, my mother's childhood and my father's childhood. pictures, letters, scrapbooks and ephemera from decades gone by. i have a huge sinus headache because of the mold and i can't bear to put everything away again. it feels like i've found pieces of myself i never knew existed.
did you know my mother went to college and dropped out in her first semester? i did not. nope. never knew it. i found that in a letter typed in a round-about by one of her high school crushes who was a math geek and at technical school pining away for her. he called her dumb for dropping out. i was shocked. i never knew. i knew she worked for the college, but i never knew she enrolled. i think i have stumbled upon a family secret.
my grandfather was a brilliant man. he held the formula (in his head) to some aluminum magic mumbo jumbo that was in high demand. he just could never seem to roll that into income. i think he was such a kind-hearted soul that people took advantage of him. i remember hearing about loosing investments and bill collectors. the shame of it all drove my grandmother into seclusion and no one ever talked about it in detail. i only remembered fragments of information overheard or talked about above me.
i wonder if she had to drop out due to financial reasons? she was so bright, excelled at everything she did. all of her friends went to college. but she was left behind. i can't imagine how disappointed she must have been. it feels like a piece to a puzzle i don't know where to put yet. i have so many questions, but don't know who to talk to about them. the secret keepers are still in full force in some bastions of my family.
i also saw the scrapbook of her first love. things were gangbusters and then nothing. zip. zilch. no information. it just evaporates. like the trail into the forest that ends at a stream. which way to go? what happened here? my mom always told us she was a virgin when she married dad. he tells me now that he doesn't think she was. i wonder if they had sex. she moved out to wisconsin shortly after the trail of the relationship died. maybe he just broke her heart. maybe she just needed a change of scenery. but it would answer so many question marks as to why she told me what she told me about men and how life can treat you. again, more questions, very few answers. i really feel like i'm reconstructing bobbie.
i could spend all my days looking over pictures, reading old letters, trying to piece the fragments of information together. she called my dad "tiger" in her letters to him. he bought her extravagant cards for every holiday. she saved them all. when did the alcohol begin to overtake their marriage? i can see the glamorous pictures from "before" - then in the beginning they start slack off, only a few snapshots here and there, not nearly as glamorous, and then hardly any from the time of the heavy drinking. i wonder if that's why there are only a very few pictures of my sister's childhood.
i know this is a gift. that there are answers here to some of the questions i have, and maybe leads to find the answers to others. i only know that looking at the pictures of my parents together, or my mom in her career clothes, riding in parades for being the "top-seller" are ties to a life gone by that fill in the gaps of my memories and brings me closer to the woman that she was. i am grateful.
did you know my mother went to college and dropped out in her first semester? i did not. nope. never knew it. i found that in a letter typed in a round-about by one of her high school crushes who was a math geek and at technical school pining away for her. he called her dumb for dropping out. i was shocked. i never knew. i knew she worked for the college, but i never knew she enrolled. i think i have stumbled upon a family secret.
my grandfather was a brilliant man. he held the formula (in his head) to some aluminum magic mumbo jumbo that was in high demand. he just could never seem to roll that into income. i think he was such a kind-hearted soul that people took advantage of him. i remember hearing about loosing investments and bill collectors. the shame of it all drove my grandmother into seclusion and no one ever talked about it in detail. i only remembered fragments of information overheard or talked about above me.
i wonder if she had to drop out due to financial reasons? she was so bright, excelled at everything she did. all of her friends went to college. but she was left behind. i can't imagine how disappointed she must have been. it feels like a piece to a puzzle i don't know where to put yet. i have so many questions, but don't know who to talk to about them. the secret keepers are still in full force in some bastions of my family.
i also saw the scrapbook of her first love. things were gangbusters and then nothing. zip. zilch. no information. it just evaporates. like the trail into the forest that ends at a stream. which way to go? what happened here? my mom always told us she was a virgin when she married dad. he tells me now that he doesn't think she was. i wonder if they had sex. she moved out to wisconsin shortly after the trail of the relationship died. maybe he just broke her heart. maybe she just needed a change of scenery. but it would answer so many question marks as to why she told me what she told me about men and how life can treat you. again, more questions, very few answers. i really feel like i'm reconstructing bobbie.
i could spend all my days looking over pictures, reading old letters, trying to piece the fragments of information together. she called my dad "tiger" in her letters to him. he bought her extravagant cards for every holiday. she saved them all. when did the alcohol begin to overtake their marriage? i can see the glamorous pictures from "before" - then in the beginning they start slack off, only a few snapshots here and there, not nearly as glamorous, and then hardly any from the time of the heavy drinking. i wonder if that's why there are only a very few pictures of my sister's childhood.
i know this is a gift. that there are answers here to some of the questions i have, and maybe leads to find the answers to others. i only know that looking at the pictures of my parents together, or my mom in her career clothes, riding in parades for being the "top-seller" are ties to a life gone by that fill in the gaps of my memories and brings me closer to the woman that she was. i am grateful.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
justice in the burbs
how can you love two people so much when you've never met face to face before? i don't know, but two of my most favorite people in the blogosphere, who also happen to love each other so much and HAVE met face to face are will and lisa samson. i am pleased as punch to hear of their new endeavor together and want to highlight it here on my blog.most of you if you've been reading my blog for some time already know of will and lisa, but just in case you don't their blogs alone are reason enough to get to know them, let alone their writing. they are living out the kingdom in Lexington, Kentucky and have put so much of what they have learned and who they are into the pages of this work. i have yet to lay my little fingers on it - but can't wait to begin to plumb it's depths.
it is a practical guide to kingdom living for those of us who can't drop everything and join that commune we've always dreamed of. mother theresa said it best: “We can do no great things; only small things with great love.”
here's what lisa and will have to say about in their own words:
here's what others have to say:
"Will and Lisa have joined talents to offer a compelling argument for living justly in an unjust world, and for loving our neighbors in a hands-on, life-changing way." LIZ CURTIS HIGGS, author, Bad Girls of the Bible.
"Whatever happened to the vital social and moral energies of the Christian faith? They are alive and throbbin in this book that shows how the gospel can walk the missing sidewalks and unfriendly cul-de-sacs of the suburbs." LEONARD SWEET, Drew Theological School, George Fox University.
"Will and Lisa are provocateurs of imagination, writing for a desert where folks are thristy for more than the American dream. This is a much-needed invitation for justice to flow throught the suburbs liek mighty waters and bring to life all the parched souls trapped in the ghettos of poverty and wealth." SHANE CLAIBORNE, activist, author, The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical.
"Will and Lisa Samson's new book, Justice in the Burbs, is a moving book. I wept with joy, knowing how many people will be moved to join the work for justice God has already begun in the world." CHRISTIAN SCHAREN, author, One Step Closer: Why U2 Matters to Those Seeking God.
follow the Justice in the Burbs blog for yourself here.
buy your own copy of Justice in the Burbs here on Amazon
congratulations will & lisa - i am just so excited and proud of this amazing product. i can't wait to see what it releases into the kingdom!
Sunday, August 05, 2007
a promise fulfilled
i have mentioned before that the biggest regret of my parenting thus far has been my inability to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. they are close enough in age to have both been mobile, but with liam always working so many hours when they were little i just couldn't manage it. we lived on a double corner where cars would whip so fast i just felt we were in danger, and the trees grew so large they buckled the sidewalks. it was a constant shame to me that my 11 & 9 year old did not have this wonderful freedom, this child hood skill that many master at such a young age.
it didn't bother them until this summer, and we miraculously acquired bikes that were the perfect size for each of them (i have given away 3-4 perfectly brand new bikes that we promised we'd use each season and never did). it was important to me that both liam and i be involved. my processing disorder is really good at explaining things verbally and maybe one single physical task, but the multiplicity of skills necessary for bike riding x 2 kids all at once seemed like more than i could handle. i think also that the fear of them being injured without liam there to help was strong too.
anyway - this being a 3 day weekend in canada i had a serious talk with liam (who has been riding his bike all summer and now has buns of steel btw) about making the commitment to do it THIS weekend. nothing was getting in it's way. invitations to friends house, disappointments - nothing. and today with great joy we walked their bikes over to our church parking lot 3 blocks away and they have mastered it. we went back after dinner and they are leaps and bounds ahead of this afternoon already. i knew they would be - i just knew this was a hump that i couldn't get over myself.
now we are able to return to the church with just the 3 of us because they are confident and mobile. still practicing awareness and fine motor skills, but the progress we have made today as a family has been victorious for all of us. i don't think you could wipe the smiles off of our faces on the way home.
some crashes, some scratches, bumps and blood, but finally, yes finally pink and buck are mobile. thank you jesus!
it didn't bother them until this summer, and we miraculously acquired bikes that were the perfect size for each of them (i have given away 3-4 perfectly brand new bikes that we promised we'd use each season and never did). it was important to me that both liam and i be involved. my processing disorder is really good at explaining things verbally and maybe one single physical task, but the multiplicity of skills necessary for bike riding x 2 kids all at once seemed like more than i could handle. i think also that the fear of them being injured without liam there to help was strong too.
anyway - this being a 3 day weekend in canada i had a serious talk with liam (who has been riding his bike all summer and now has buns of steel btw) about making the commitment to do it THIS weekend. nothing was getting in it's way. invitations to friends house, disappointments - nothing. and today with great joy we walked their bikes over to our church parking lot 3 blocks away and they have mastered it. we went back after dinner and they are leaps and bounds ahead of this afternoon already. i knew they would be - i just knew this was a hump that i couldn't get over myself.
now we are able to return to the church with just the 3 of us because they are confident and mobile. still practicing awareness and fine motor skills, but the progress we have made today as a family has been victorious for all of us. i don't think you could wipe the smiles off of our faces on the way home.
some crashes, some scratches, bumps and blood, but finally, yes finally pink and buck are mobile. thank you jesus!
Thursday, August 02, 2007
who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree?
listening to the Hairspray soundtrack with my pink and can't wait until the movie finally makes it to our local theater. if it doesn't come on friday we'll drive to the "city" and see it this weekend.
there is something deep that moves in me with this movie theme - big girl makes bigger - no one ever told me i could. in fact they told me i couldn't... i posted a picture on my facebook this week of me in my freshman year playing first base softball - i thought i was so fat back then - not a stitch of fat on me - what went wrong?
this line from 'big blonde and beautiful' made me laugh out loud - who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree! ha! can't wait to share this with her.
there is something deep that moves in me with this movie theme - big girl makes bigger - no one ever told me i could. in fact they told me i couldn't... i posted a picture on my facebook this week of me in my freshman year playing first base softball - i thought i was so fat back then - not a stitch of fat on me - what went wrong?
this line from 'big blonde and beautiful' made me laugh out loud - who wants a twig when you can have the whole tree! ha! can't wait to share this with her.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
amen
Third Step Prayer
"God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me, and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.
May I do Thy Will always."
"God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me, and do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life.
May I do Thy Will always."
Page 63
- Alcoholics Anonymous
- Alcoholics Anonymous
Friday, July 27, 2007
fgh...hgf
argh! i hate computers! the fan in the desktop is not working so my regular computer is out of commission for a bit and now the laptop is having problems with the alt key & fgh keys. they are sticking for some reason and as long as i don't type my name (which begins with H) or any words that have those letters in them the lappy is fine. if i do it goes into a grand mal seizure... sigh.
so i guess the remedy to my blogging block is having the computer crash because i've been rife with ideas of blog posts since i have not had the ability to blog... i'm at the library in the relief of the air conditioning with my kids at my side begging to use the computer here because they're in as much withdrawl as i am... so i can't write anything more pithy or interesting and besides that the heat has pretty much fried my brain. dear god, send rain and cool breezes soon.
hope you all are well, if i'm not responding to your emails, leaving comments on your wonderful posts or just plain old silent here it's only because of "fg&h" :)
so i guess the remedy to my blogging block is having the computer crash because i've been rife with ideas of blog posts since i have not had the ability to blog... i'm at the library in the relief of the air conditioning with my kids at my side begging to use the computer here because they're in as much withdrawl as i am... so i can't write anything more pithy or interesting and besides that the heat has pretty much fried my brain. dear god, send rain and cool breezes soon.
hope you all are well, if i'm not responding to your emails, leaving comments on your wonderful posts or just plain old silent here it's only because of "fg&h" :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
blah, blah blogging
have lost the will to blog... i have been journaling a bit and reading other's blogs, but i just can't seem to pull together much of a post. i know it will come back, but until it does i seem to be stuck in meme-land and nopostville. hope you are all having a wonderful summer!
Friday, July 20, 2007
summer reading meme
found this in the achieves over at julie's blog - one hand clapping - i remember reading her blog when she mentioned a science fiction/fantasy series (outlander - by diana gabaldon) that i have been meaning to read - and as i'm headed to the library with a need of good summer reading i did a search and found this - whan to play? here's the rules:
* Bold the ones you’ve read.
* Italicize the ones you want to read.
* Leave in normal text the ones that don’t interest you.
* Put in ALL CAPS those you haven’t heard of.
* Put a couple of asterisks by the ones you recommend.
(UPDATE - I liked Julie's/Erik's suggestion of putting (++) next to the ones you've seen the movie or TV show of, so I added that too)
(UPDATE 2 - bold & italicized don't show up in bloglines, so you'll have to click through if you care to see what i've read)
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)**++
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)++
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)++
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)++
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) **++
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) **++
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien) **++
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)++
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A FINE BALANCE (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)++
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)**
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)** (will be seeing it soon!)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) - one of my favorite books of all time!
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)++
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone(Rowling)**++
17. FALL ON YOUR KNEES (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)++
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)++
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)**
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)**
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)++
24. THE LOVELY BONES (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)** (can't wait to see the movie - hope they do it justice as it's one of my favorites!)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)**++
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)++
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH (Ken Follett)
37. THE POWER OF ONE (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much Is True (Wally Lamb)*****
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)*****
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)*****
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)**
43. CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible **
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)++
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)++
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)**++
50. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)***
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)*** (just finished it - no one should go to africa without reading this!)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. ENDER'S GAME (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)++
56. THE STONE ANGEL (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)++
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment(Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. FIFTH BUSINESS (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo)**++
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones's Diary (Helen Fielding)++
72. LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)++
75. The Secret Garden(Frances Hodgson)++
76. THE SUMMER TREE (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows In Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)++
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)++
81. NOT WANTED ON THE VOYAGE (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. REBECCA (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. WIZARD'S FIRST RULE (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)++
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. THE STONE DIARIES (Carol Shields)
89. BLINDNESS (Jose Saramago)
90. KANE AND ABEL (Jeffrey Archer)
91. IN THE SKIN OF A LION (Michael Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)++
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)++
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. ULYSSES (James Joyce)
anyone read any of these that i've missed? please if you have recommends i'd love to hear them. a couple i'd add that i just finished are 'prodigal summer' by kingsolver and water for elephants (can't remember author) - both are intense, deep stories with rich characters - loved them - and i can't say enough about the poisonwood bible - i would make it mandatory reading for every christian and especially those looking to do mission work. kingsolver always teaches me so much as i read her books - she is a master weaver and storyteller.
* Bold the ones you’ve read.
* Italicize the ones you want to read.
* Leave in normal text the ones that don’t interest you.
* Put in ALL CAPS those you haven’t heard of.
* Put a couple of asterisks by the ones you recommend.
(UPDATE - I liked Julie's/Erik's suggestion of putting (++) next to the ones you've seen the movie or TV show of, so I added that too)
(UPDATE 2 - bold & italicized don't show up in bloglines, so you'll have to click through if you care to see what i've read)
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)**++
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)++
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)++
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)++
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) **++
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) **++
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien) **++
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)++
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A FINE BALANCE (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)++
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)**
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)** (will be seeing it soon!)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) - one of my favorite books of all time!
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)++
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone(Rowling)**++
17. FALL ON YOUR KNEES (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)++
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)++
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)**
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)**
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)++
24. THE LOVELY BONES (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)** (can't wait to see the movie - hope they do it justice as it's one of my favorites!)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)**++
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)++
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH (Ken Follett)
37. THE POWER OF ONE (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much Is True (Wally Lamb)*****
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)*****
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)*****
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)**
43. CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible **
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)++
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)++
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)**++
50. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)***
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)*** (just finished it - no one should go to africa without reading this!)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. ENDER'S GAME (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)++
56. THE STONE ANGEL (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)++
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment(Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. FIFTH BUSINESS (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo)**++
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones's Diary (Helen Fielding)++
72. LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)++
75. The Secret Garden(Frances Hodgson)++
76. THE SUMMER TREE (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows In Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)++
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)++
81. NOT WANTED ON THE VOYAGE (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. REBECCA (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. WIZARD'S FIRST RULE (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)++
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. THE STONE DIARIES (Carol Shields)
89. BLINDNESS (Jose Saramago)
90. KANE AND ABEL (Jeffrey Archer)
91. IN THE SKIN OF A LION (Michael Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)++
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)++
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. ULYSSES (James Joyce)
anyone read any of these that i've missed? please if you have recommends i'd love to hear them. a couple i'd add that i just finished are 'prodigal summer' by kingsolver and water for elephants (can't remember author) - both are intense, deep stories with rich characters - loved them - and i can't say enough about the poisonwood bible - i would make it mandatory reading for every christian and especially those looking to do mission work. kingsolver always teaches me so much as i read her books - she is a master weaver and storyteller.
Monday, July 16, 2007
8 random facts meme
i just saw that i got tagged by renee for a random things meme - here are the rules:
rules to play 1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves. 2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. 3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged. my 8 random facts:
1. i love 70/80's rock music and still grieve that i threw away all of my old albums when i was told that jesus didn't.
2. i am a reality tv junkie and very ashamed of it...
3. i love bacon. i can't figure out why it could be a binge food for me, most of those kind of foods have an emotional link and i can't figure out where this one comes from, but i know i can't make it if there isn't a recipe or a lot of people to help me eat it because i think i could eat a whole lb. of it myself (i never have, just can imagine myself doing it and how horrible i'd feel afterward...)
4. i hate small talk. having to do it exhausts me. i want intentional conversations with a purpose because i guess i don't know the rules for casual conversations that other people just seem to know so effortlessly.
5. i have always wanted matching pirate ear piercings with liam (i have no idea what they're really called, but the ring in the top of the ear - he has no interest and i'm too chicken to go and do it myself.
6. i hate the scars i have on my knees. i guess my legs grew too fast as a kid because i have three slash scars on each knee that i always assumed were stretch marks because i was fat - not because i was tall - my bean pole daughter got them this past winter and she doesn't have a stitch of fat on her. i've always been so self conscious of them because one day in the gym locker room in 3rd grade one little girl asked me what they were... they were probably red and bright back then like pink's are now - now mine are just faded white lines, but i hate them all the same. they represent a very low self image and thinking i was fat from a very early age to me.
7. i am slowly learning a larger vocabulary for emotions than i ever had before. giving voice to feelings deeper than happy, sad, mad and glad. i am anal about not allowing anyone to define my feelings with unspecific terms and will sit in silence for a moment to attempt to correctly identify the true emotion i am feeling and give it voice. the daily examen it is helping me with this.
8. i loathe cigars and cigarettes. there are lots of reasons for this that i won't go into here, but smelling them fills me with deep emotions and even some times rage.
i tag:
1. trudging
2. lisa
3. elizabeth
4. erin
5. candy
6. deb
7. martha
8. tammy jo
rules to play 1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves. 2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. 3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged. my 8 random facts:
1. i love 70/80's rock music and still grieve that i threw away all of my old albums when i was told that jesus didn't.
2. i am a reality tv junkie and very ashamed of it...
3. i love bacon. i can't figure out why it could be a binge food for me, most of those kind of foods have an emotional link and i can't figure out where this one comes from, but i know i can't make it if there isn't a recipe or a lot of people to help me eat it because i think i could eat a whole lb. of it myself (i never have, just can imagine myself doing it and how horrible i'd feel afterward...)
4. i hate small talk. having to do it exhausts me. i want intentional conversations with a purpose because i guess i don't know the rules for casual conversations that other people just seem to know so effortlessly.
5. i have always wanted matching pirate ear piercings with liam (i have no idea what they're really called, but the ring in the top of the ear - he has no interest and i'm too chicken to go and do it myself.
6. i hate the scars i have on my knees. i guess my legs grew too fast as a kid because i have three slash scars on each knee that i always assumed were stretch marks because i was fat - not because i was tall - my bean pole daughter got them this past winter and she doesn't have a stitch of fat on her. i've always been so self conscious of them because one day in the gym locker room in 3rd grade one little girl asked me what they were... they were probably red and bright back then like pink's are now - now mine are just faded white lines, but i hate them all the same. they represent a very low self image and thinking i was fat from a very early age to me.
7. i am slowly learning a larger vocabulary for emotions than i ever had before. giving voice to feelings deeper than happy, sad, mad and glad. i am anal about not allowing anyone to define my feelings with unspecific terms and will sit in silence for a moment to attempt to correctly identify the true emotion i am feeling and give it voice. the daily examen it is helping me with this.
8. i loathe cigars and cigarettes. there are lots of reasons for this that i won't go into here, but smelling them fills me with deep emotions and even some times rage.
i tag:
1. trudging
2. lisa
3. elizabeth
4. erin
5. candy
6. deb
7. martha
8. tammy jo
home
sleeping in my own bed - what a wonderful thing! liam and i spent the past two weeks (minus a couple of nights in a hotel and one night for me in a glorious home with my blogger gals) on a double air mattress. it actually worked out better than i dreaded it might. we had a great two weeks and i chronicled some of the highlights (and vehicle low lights) on my other blog if you care to read them there.
we are safe, relaxed but exhausted and home. brilliantly i signed pink and buck up for "entrepreneurship camp" before we left - so i have a full week of 9-4 alone! yippee! it is a good time of re-entry for them too as they loved camp and were sad to leave the friends and the fun they had there. this will be different by a long shot - but still enough activity to keep them from whinging all week. and it only cost $75/each!! god bless them!
i'm not sure about re-entry into life here as i napped most of today. i do the driving so that liam can get back to work without being as exhausted as i am, that and i am a control freak, so it's better for everyone if i drive... sigh... yes, i'll be honest here.
the house wasn't super clean before we left, neat, but not clean - so i've got loads of work to do this week to get things back in shape - plus all of the grubby dirty things we brought home from camp.... at least it's supposed to be a cooler week so that the flat won't be horrid to work in.
liam came back to a primed office space (surprise) and it was very encouraging to have his peeps (i never know what to call the people he works with) have taken initiative to encourage him.
i have far too many blog posts in my bloglines to truly catch up (and this is a thinned out blog roll - i unsubscribed from over 50 blogs before i left to make my reading more manageable... it's just when you see 25 blog posts in 2 weeks you begin to wonder what it is that anyone has the time to write about in the small space of 15 days...
i totally enjoyed life away from computer and tv - it's a wide world and i want to spend more time in it and less time with my face in front of a screen. i know the best laid plans of rodents and women will probably find me settling back into my bad habits and cheering for reality tv again soon - but i am really wanting different.
i found the most dramatic moments for me was seeing and reconnecting with my sister and liam's sister and seeing myself in them at the stages of life they are in and being so happy to not be there any more and to see the amount recovery i have behind me. i tend to forget where i have come from, and seeing them and talking with them reminded me how very far i have come. it was with great sadness that i saw the chaos and results of choices in their eyes, and that there never were the questions that asked about how to get out, move on or find some hope of recovery. maybe soon. i don't mean any of this to sound arrogant like i have arrived or figured it all out. i so haven't. but i have seen in living color in these past two weeks my past and the chaos of having little kids and the struggle to comfort one's self with food. i had been so hard on myself and my recovery before we had left, feeling like i hadn't had much to speak of - but seeing again where i had come from - and knowing with everything in me that i DON'T WANT TO GO BACK has been a great revelation that i am really grateful for.
the highlight of the trip for me was this sunday when we got to worship in the old, round wooden temple in ocean park, maine, and hear tony campolo preach again. it was so great to know my kids got to hear him too. buck loved him and asked if he was a comedian too. to his 9 year old mind that was a high compliment! on the way out he saw my kids, asked if they were mine and kissed and hugged them - it was so beautiful. i told my kids that they might not understand who he is today, but one day they will understand that this was a man who advised presidents and challenged the church to justice and mercy. i just love him so.
hope you all had a couple of wonderful weeks, thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. i know it made us facing the hurdles we faced with better attitudes and more optimism than we would have had without them! can't wait to catch up on your blogs.
we are safe, relaxed but exhausted and home. brilliantly i signed pink and buck up for "entrepreneurship camp" before we left - so i have a full week of 9-4 alone! yippee! it is a good time of re-entry for them too as they loved camp and were sad to leave the friends and the fun they had there. this will be different by a long shot - but still enough activity to keep them from whinging all week. and it only cost $75/each!! god bless them!
i'm not sure about re-entry into life here as i napped most of today. i do the driving so that liam can get back to work without being as exhausted as i am, that and i am a control freak, so it's better for everyone if i drive... sigh... yes, i'll be honest here.
the house wasn't super clean before we left, neat, but not clean - so i've got loads of work to do this week to get things back in shape - plus all of the grubby dirty things we brought home from camp.... at least it's supposed to be a cooler week so that the flat won't be horrid to work in.
liam came back to a primed office space (surprise) and it was very encouraging to have his peeps (i never know what to call the people he works with) have taken initiative to encourage him.
i have far too many blog posts in my bloglines to truly catch up (and this is a thinned out blog roll - i unsubscribed from over 50 blogs before i left to make my reading more manageable... it's just when you see 25 blog posts in 2 weeks you begin to wonder what it is that anyone has the time to write about in the small space of 15 days...
i totally enjoyed life away from computer and tv - it's a wide world and i want to spend more time in it and less time with my face in front of a screen. i know the best laid plans of rodents and women will probably find me settling back into my bad habits and cheering for reality tv again soon - but i am really wanting different.
i found the most dramatic moments for me was seeing and reconnecting with my sister and liam's sister and seeing myself in them at the stages of life they are in and being so happy to not be there any more and to see the amount recovery i have behind me. i tend to forget where i have come from, and seeing them and talking with them reminded me how very far i have come. it was with great sadness that i saw the chaos and results of choices in their eyes, and that there never were the questions that asked about how to get out, move on or find some hope of recovery. maybe soon. i don't mean any of this to sound arrogant like i have arrived or figured it all out. i so haven't. but i have seen in living color in these past two weeks my past and the chaos of having little kids and the struggle to comfort one's self with food. i had been so hard on myself and my recovery before we had left, feeling like i hadn't had much to speak of - but seeing again where i had come from - and knowing with everything in me that i DON'T WANT TO GO BACK has been a great revelation that i am really grateful for.
the highlight of the trip for me was this sunday when we got to worship in the old, round wooden temple in ocean park, maine, and hear tony campolo preach again. it was so great to know my kids got to hear him too. buck loved him and asked if he was a comedian too. to his 9 year old mind that was a high compliment! on the way out he saw my kids, asked if they were mine and kissed and hugged them - it was so beautiful. i told my kids that they might not understand who he is today, but one day they will understand that this was a man who advised presidents and challenged the church to justice and mercy. i just love him so.
hope you all had a couple of wonderful weeks, thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. i know it made us facing the hurdles we faced with better attitudes and more optimism than we would have had without them! can't wait to catch up on your blogs.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
adventures with volvo
time for the next installment of "adventures with volvo" - it is fixed, running beautifully and only cost us $146.00 - and the mechanic fixed tons of stuff that we had no idea was even not working. he was incredible! we brought baked goods to express our deep gratitude at his speediness and his thoroughness.
and the best news is that the transmission is fabulous. he removed the pan and it is clean and healthy! so many long years of driving may continue!! it was actually a cable that got stretched and kept telling the engine we were passing in the high gears. he fixed it well enough to get us far past home. we are so relieved.
i told liam that he could have charged us six times as much and i would have still been happy and relieved!
we're having a great time with family and i'm so enjoying some quality time with my niece. she's finally starting to warm up to us and is such a sweet gem.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragment! it's been wonderful to know that we've got friends globe-wide praying for us! much love!
and the best news is that the transmission is fabulous. he removed the pan and it is clean and healthy! so many long years of driving may continue!! it was actually a cable that got stretched and kept telling the engine we were passing in the high gears. he fixed it well enough to get us far past home. we are so relieved.
i told liam that he could have charged us six times as much and i would have still been happy and relieved!
we're having a great time with family and i'm so enjoying some quality time with my niece. she's finally starting to warm up to us and is such a sweet gem.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragment! it's been wonderful to know that we've got friends globe-wide praying for us! much love!
Monday, July 09, 2007
safe & sound - part iii
hi all - thanks for your prayers and encouragement - we are safe and enjoying camp. the car went in today to a great transmission guy my brother in law has used - so hopefully we can afford him. we joked and told him he was so good that people were coming from canada to get work done. hopefully it can be road worthy by the weekend.
pink and buck are having a great time at camp and can hardly stop to acknowledge us and we love to see them running and playing and enjoying every minute.
liam and i on the other hand have a private camp lot right on the lake and we are just loving our secluded escape and time together.
thanks again for all of your prayers and support!
pink and buck are having a great time at camp and can hardly stop to acknowledge us and we love to see them running and playing and enjoying every minute.
liam and i on the other hand have a private camp lot right on the lake and we are just loving our secluded escape and time together.
thanks again for all of your prayers and support!
Friday, July 06, 2007
safe & sound - part ii
hi all, what a trip! we had a flat 15 minutes into the trip in maine, a rad leak we've had to babysit the whole trip and about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house it started making horrible noises. we feared the worst (transmission) and were gladly grateful for the $410 bill to fix the u joints. the volvo is back and running and we have just spent the night in tourist-ville where my kids have so enjoyed being kids (and not having their clingy cousins attached to their hips!) it was like having talking/whining shadows for days!
i had an amazing time with deb, erin & lynne in luxurious comfort on thursday night and it is so truly wonderful to be with kindred souls. i am honored to be friends and loved by these wonderful women. wish you were there! we have begun talk of a 2nd path in my east coast community so if you are interested please let us know as we're trying to figure out the best time to get together and how many we need to make room for.
we head for pennsylvania today - get to see my dad, sister (ugh, her husband... pray for me) and my niece who i have NEVER had quality time with yet.
we've got to hit the water park again this a.m. before we leave - love and hugs to you all!
i had an amazing time with deb, erin & lynne in luxurious comfort on thursday night and it is so truly wonderful to be with kindred souls. i am honored to be friends and loved by these wonderful women. wish you were there! we have begun talk of a 2nd path in my east coast community so if you are interested please let us know as we're trying to figure out the best time to get together and how many we need to make room for.
we head for pennsylvania today - get to see my dad, sister (ugh, her husband... pray for me) and my niece who i have NEVER had quality time with yet.
we've got to hit the water park again this a.m. before we leave - love and hugs to you all!
Monday, July 02, 2007
safe and sound
we are safe and sound in ontario. i'm on my in-laws computer and we've just had 24 hours here. i am calm and serene and so at peace. my hubby on the other hand is just a bit stressed out. see about 15 minutes into maine we got a flat tire. we obviously hit something in the road because not 2 miles down from where we (liam) changed the tire there was a van doing the same thing...
we got to bangor and had lunch and hit the ll bean outlet hoping to grab a laptop case and saw that the radiator was leaking fluid... sigh... not as fixed as we had hoped. the guy at the auto parts store talked us both down and gave us good advice (which we said we would heed either way - whether to head home and get the rad replaced or if he thought we could make it. he gave us stuff told us how to babysit it and headed back out on the road.
we had an awesome time on the drive and overnight at the holiday inn express in vermont. got back on the road the next day and had more of the same. just a wonderful relaxing time together. about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house the volvo started making a grinding noise and then the center of the car started to feel really wrong and each time we stopped at a stop sign starting moving again was clearly not what "vanna" (what we called her after about the 100th time i said "go put this in the van" - so we ended up calling her vanna) wanted to do. as we pulled up their driveway i said 'well, i hope they don't mind her here because i don't think she'll ever move on her own accord again.'
i think we dropped the transmission... sigh. today being canada day means everything is closed down - so tomorrow she will be towed (god bless inlaws with auto club memberships) to the trustworthy mechanic to see if she's worth fixing.
god please let her be worth fixing. car payments aren't something we really want to think about. and we still have MILES to go before this trip is over. we know when you drive a 20 year old vehicle that things like this happen. i am just amazed that she got us all the way here. it was clear to me that spiritually we were supposed to be here. i have no doubt about it. how we get from here i have no clue. but i honestly i really don't have stress or fear about how it's all going to work itself out.
i can feel the prayers being prayed for us - thank you. we would be so grateful if they would continue. i'd really love liam to have the peace that i have been given. that would be a wonderful thing. either way the time with his family is going so well and we are just really enjoying the time together.
i'll keep you posted as i am able - take care!!
we got to bangor and had lunch and hit the ll bean outlet hoping to grab a laptop case and saw that the radiator was leaking fluid... sigh... not as fixed as we had hoped. the guy at the auto parts store talked us both down and gave us good advice (which we said we would heed either way - whether to head home and get the rad replaced or if he thought we could make it. he gave us stuff told us how to babysit it and headed back out on the road.
we had an awesome time on the drive and overnight at the holiday inn express in vermont. got back on the road the next day and had more of the same. just a wonderful relaxing time together. about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house the volvo started making a grinding noise and then the center of the car started to feel really wrong and each time we stopped at a stop sign starting moving again was clearly not what "vanna" (what we called her after about the 100th time i said "go put this in the van" - so we ended up calling her vanna) wanted to do. as we pulled up their driveway i said 'well, i hope they don't mind her here because i don't think she'll ever move on her own accord again.'
i think we dropped the transmission... sigh. today being canada day means everything is closed down - so tomorrow she will be towed (god bless inlaws with auto club memberships) to the trustworthy mechanic to see if she's worth fixing.
god please let her be worth fixing. car payments aren't something we really want to think about. and we still have MILES to go before this trip is over. we know when you drive a 20 year old vehicle that things like this happen. i am just amazed that she got us all the way here. it was clear to me that spiritually we were supposed to be here. i have no doubt about it. how we get from here i have no clue. but i honestly i really don't have stress or fear about how it's all going to work itself out.
i can feel the prayers being prayed for us - thank you. we would be so grateful if they would continue. i'd really love liam to have the peace that i have been given. that would be a wonderful thing. either way the time with his family is going so well and we are just really enjoying the time together.
i'll keep you posted as i am able - take care!!
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