Tuesday, October 26, 2004

that little red haired girl

some of you have noticed i changed the image in my sidebar. i'm trying to link to the artist in the sidebar, but haven't had the time to get her name there, so at least i'll do it here. sidebar painting is done by artist susan fay schauer.

if you click on it you'll be taken to the larger image so that you can enjoy it as much as i do. it's called 'dirty fingers'. although my fingers were probably a lot longer, and my eyes are blue, this is very close to what i would have looked like at that age.

it's safe to say i've become pretty obsessed with images/photos/artwork featuring red haired women or girls. because i can't post my own picture in the sidebar (not that i'd be thrilled with that idea anyway) i have been culling google images in an attempt to find some visual representation of 'bobbie'. unfortunately none are real representations, so i have to make them varied so no one thinks i think i look like any of them! :) most of the wonderful artwork of women i find are far too skinny!

this new hobby has touched on a memory i hadn't thought about in a long time. it reminded me of the emotion that generates within me when i think about charles schultz's peanuts. i grew up with those shows, they marked every holiday, and resonated within my young 'adult free' world. no adults really engaged in my life before 5th grade and most of them sounded like the 'whawhamwhaamwhaa' when they talked to me. if any adult was noticing me it was to reprimand me or give me work to do. the world of lucy, charlie brown and snoopy made me feel like i wasn't so alone.

the memory i had was about charlie brown desperately writing love notes to 'that little red haired girl'. i always wanted to be her. the fact that mr. schultz never drew her into the comic allowed me to be 'her'. to dream that someone pined away for me and thought so highly of me as to be nervous and passionately inspired. i had a secret crush on charlie brown. i despised lucy for hurting him so, and peppermint patty for bossing him around and for everyone for laughing at him over his pathetic christmas tree. he had a special place in my heart.

i always thought i was actually a cross between lucy and peppermint patty in my personality, bossy and sports minded, and in my heart i knew that p.patty's plight was probably going to be mine. he'd be overlooking my red hair for some small, tiny little other red haired girl's. even frieda didn't cut it for charlie brown. it wasn't the hair i guess. there was something mysterious about that little red haired girl. i longed to be mysterious. i longed to have the devotion of someone like charlie brown.

writing the little red-haired girl

i know others found linus' angst or schroeder's talent far more inspiring, but i loved charlie brown because he never gave up. he always kept trying, and his heart, oh his heart was so good.

somehow his devotion was what i longed for. male attention was always far more important to me than female. my father only seemed to respond when i played sports. he was clueless about what to do with a 'girl', but an athlete, that was when i peeked his interest. i think i always thought he wanted a son instead of me.

after the rape somehow in my broken childhood mind even that attention/intimacy was somehow special. instead of turning me cold, it made me desperate for a boyfriend or male attention. i was the proverbial boy crazy girl. irrationally so. i would sacrifice any female friend or activity for any sort of male attention. i longed to be 'that' little red haired girl to someone, anyone.

i spoke with liam this morning explaining the direction this blog post was taking and asked him if he would be offended if i likened him to my 'charlie brown'. even though i told him i crushed on cb he wasn't sure he liked the analogy. he told me cb never succeeded, never came through. i think that 'peanuts all grown up' would show that charlie brown's determination made him a star place kicker in the big 10 and eventually manufacturer of the most successful kite company in the world. i'm still crushing on charlie brown.

i'm so glad he didn't include her in the strip. i think it was just for me.

1 comment:

togenberg said...

Ja for sure the way you've described ol' Charlie Brown in this post it's a good thing to be associated with him (and not with the he's-pathetic-and-not-a-real-man-and-isn't-successful ideology).

I am so glad he left the little red haired girl hidden and suggested if only to give you the gift of hope and imaginational healing. That's really cool.