Wednesday, March 02, 2005

damn, i should have given up coffee...

okay, so the giving up swearing for lent thing sucks. i am at the lowest point i have been in months - maybe even a year, actually it feels like about 12 years ago emotionally.

i don't know if it's all of this medicine, a side effect of one, or just the fact that i've become a recluse for nearly a month and feel so cut off from the world i can hardly stand it. i have been weeping for the past week, and today i can hardly even function. i've tried to blog about 5 times, but break down each time. i don't know that i'll even post this - but i guess it's just a desperate cry for prayer.

i spilled my guts to liam this morning because all of the yucky thoughts that have been running around my brain. they feel like rats trapped inside, spinning, chewing and eating away at my psyche, confidence and determination.

i've even got a new fantasy (which was why i told liam about everything this a.m.) - filling my pockets with rocks and walking into the lake in the town i grew up in to drown myself. gosh, typing that makes me feel like such a big fat failure.

the prednisone has brought out a new crop of rosecea on my face and all i want to do is chuck my abstinence and binge. it's only the fact that i'd either have to close down my blog or confess it to you all that keeps me from doing so.

i told liam that i felt like i wanted to rend my clothes, cover myself in ashes and ezekiel-like stand in front of the congregation and tell them all what big fat phonies they all are. hardly one of them has even bothered to reach out and see if i'm okay. no one from recovery, no one. well, unless of course they want to speak to liam, or ask me to do something...

i am just raw. the hardest part of all of this is that i've walked this road before. i know what isolation does to me. i know it will end, and i will get better, but it just feels like there is a black hole trying to suck me down again, and i'm circling the rim. it's been so long since i've felt this way, and i loathe feeling this way again.

i've almost closed this window about 3 times. i just need to post this so that i don't erase it.

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