'ask for what you need' was the phrase that kept running through my head yesterday and finally forced me to post my desperate cry for prayers.
the mc vicker women up at linwood house emblazoned that thought on my brain during 'the path' in november. how simple - ask for what you need - simple, but not easy.
today i have wings, even wind beneath them because of your prayers, kind comments, some nurturing time with liam, and especially a wonderful phone call from a dear friend about 5 minutes after i posted that cry for help. it was about the time i thought 'no, delete it' that the phone rang. i was given exactly what i needed.
i talked with anj about shame, and breaking through the shame to admit my needs, admit my lack and admit my struggles. shame is the silencer. it is the isolator. and it had convinced me that i was too far gone for anyone to know and still love. shame is a lie. in her inimitable wisdom she encouraged me to do some good self care and challenged me to find the things that energized me. i am all too familiar with the things that bring me down - but what are the things that build me back up?
she mentioned how her sister had challenged her back in her grey days to become aware of things you see that refill you and thrill you, in a magazine or in day to day life - notice them, and use them to bring about some intentional refilling. so that is my assignment for the next while - figuring out what it is that gives me joy, brings me happiness and wholeness and seek to bring them into my life more intentionally to care for myself.
the first thing on that list is phone calls from anj.
oh, and as a side note - 'the lake' in my fantasy is in the town i grew up in - far away from here - it wasn't really anything i was planning - it was just the peaceful thought of being surrounded by the water in a place i hold so dear. it was more about peace and safety and an end to the drama than it was about suicide. thank you all for your concern, just wanted to clarify in case anyone was worried.