hormones

i have a girlfriend who always said that teeth were the only mistake god ever made. i personally will have a few questions for him about hormones.

with this thyroid stuff going on mine are so out of whack. i am not sleeping at all. 3:44 rolls around every morning and blink... i awaken. i try for all i'm worth to remember that fading dream, find a way to reunite myself with that state of restful oblivion that i was experiencing only moments ago. breathe... crap... it's not working, mind is engaging... no mind, stop engaging... sleep... rest... breathe...

crap.

mind engaged. okay, i'll lay here and pray. okay, now i'll lay here and ponder. okay, now i've got to pee. if i pee i'll never get back to sleep. if i don't pee i'll never get back to sleep... sigh. roll on side, less pressure on bladder, maybe that will help... sigh.

crap.

doesn't help. look at clock. 4:30... oh i might as well just get up.

that has been my struggle for the past months. i have tried everything (no anj, i haven't given up coffee yet, but i have cut back...) naps, no naps, going to bed at 8:30 when i can't even keep my eyes open, or fighting to stay up until midnight just with the hopes of sleeping until 5:00. 5:00 - isn't that insane? it's become my magic number. remember when it was 11:00? if i can just sleep past 11:00 - oh, then i'll really have slept. 5:00. crap.

in doing research for thryoid disease i saw that one of the symptoms of low thyroid is insomnia. i've never said that word out loud or typed it before. in-som-ni-a. it always seems to me to be a self fulfilling prophesy. if you don't say it, you don't have it. if you say it, it will never go away. insomnia. crap.

i know nothing else to do but embrace it. if we had a meandering estate this wouldn't be a problem, i could clean, i could do something productive, i have all of this energy - but we are so squished in here that even flushing the toilet wakes everyone up. i tiptoe trying to protect the slumber of those i love so much.

so i read blogs, catch up on the bbc news website (i still haven't watched the news since the election - it's been so nice not to care about the dynamics of the talking heads anymore) to make sure the world is still intact, and if anything catches my eye i'll stay and read awhile. did you know that alpaca farmers in peru are loosing their prized breading alpacas to aplaca rustlers over the border? i do now. i even watched the little clip of the woman in the andes reporting as they placed lojacks in the ears of those fuzzy, upset alpacas. crap. i wish i was sleeping.