and supremely happy with you forever in the next

supreme. wow, big word.

i can't help but think of diana ross and the 'supremes' when i hear that word. stop, in the name of love... supreme. supremely.

i can't even imagine what 'supreme happiness' looks like or feels like. but i think that's what every addict is searching for. supreme happiness. that first buzz, that orgasm, that rush of adrenaline that somehow told us there was more. that there was something 'out there' that we weren't experiencing. and i think we chase that our whole lives.

supreme. i also think of pizza hut and their 'super supreme' pizza. supreme wasn't enough - we must make it super. i've had it, it's not. but somehow in our minds we think that supreme is achievable in this life, and we're gonna be the ones to find it.

i tell my therapist regularly that i'm too smart to feel so bad. feeling the emotions that i bottled or stuffed for so many years just seems absolutely brainless to me. running from them, eating them away, escaping them through addiction - that seems like it's a much better alternative than actually feeling crappy.

it's pouring rain outside, just pouring. to me feeling feelings is like standing out in the middle of that rain naked. 'duh, go get some clothes on and get out of the rain dumb ass'. but i have found that running from those emotions only leads to more pain. facing them and feeling them shrinks them down to size.

before i 'remembered' the rape i was so overcome with fear that i thought my life would implode. i truly thought that life as i knew it would be over. i mean looking at where i was when i was 'not dealing with it' proved i was just incapable of remembering. that i was too fragile for remembering and reality.

facing that fear shrunk it down to normal size. remembering it was still horrible, but it wasn't life shattering. that damage had truly already been done. remembering and facing it didn't make it happen all over again.

have you ever returned to a place that was larger than life in your childhood memories? i remember in grade school we had an enormous, vast gymnasium with huge oak beams that stretched on forever. when i stepped in there as an adult i was shocked at how very small that gym really was.

facing our fears is like that. the overwhelming fear of childhood memories shrink to normal size when we shine the light of adulthood on them. really they do, they are still horrible, but normal sized, not that huge, vast, overwhelming size that our childhood perspective gave to them.

children are such concrete thinkers that those memories are etched in stone and because we were never given the tools to deal with them they overwhelm us. many times to the point of breaking them away from our active memory into a safe place in our minds that is stored for later, when we are given the tools and the support to deal with them.

so i ran from those fearsome emotions to try to find supreme happiness. karl marx truly had no idea what religion really was - opiate? try guilt monger, shame inducer - opiate - nope, doesn't work. i found my own opiate, thank you very much.

i know that i just put up a lewis quote, but i truly think this excerpt from the great divorce explains much more eloquently what i'm trying to say:

'Son,' he said, 'ye cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door of the Timeless he brought no message back. But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective. Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved. Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory. And of some sinful pleasure they say "Let me have but this and I'll take the consequences": little dreaming how damnation will spread back and back into their past and contaminate the pleasure of the sin. Both processes begin even before death. The good man's past begins to change so that his forgiven sins and remembered sorrows take on the quality of Heaven: the bad man's past already conforms to his badness and is filled only with dreariness. And that is why, at the end of all things, when the sun rises here and the twilight turns to blackness down there, the Blessed will say "We have never lived anywhere except in Heaven," and the Lost, "We were always in Hell." And both will speak truly.'

Lewis, C. S. The Great Divorce, a Dream. HarperSanFrancisco, (c)1946, 1973, 2001, p. 69.

dear father, give me eternal perspective on my fears and emotions, my pain and my suffering. turn them into heaven here, not in a sappy churchy way, but truly, in my heart remind me that you don't waste anything. amen.

the big "E"

adam over at pomomusings has a post that i read before bed last night. it's been chewing at the edge of my thoughts even before i read it, and it resonated deeply within me.

as the wife of a youth pastor 'in the big E' evangelical church i am struggling. i too care more about the small 'e' than i do about the big "E" now. but that wall of christianity that says once it's labelled big "E" we can turn off our brains, not have to think anymore, it's been 'approved for our consupmtion' mentality is so rampant in the church today that i feel like i'm swimming against the tide.

i think that if you truly are evangelical it should be evident without words. it's almost like having to tell someone you're smart or handsome - if you do - you're not. if those around you can't figure out you're intelligent or good looking by being around you then your telling them isn't going to change anything (other than the fact that they're going to think you're delusional).

lately i've noticed that the term 'EVANGELICAL' is like 'look for the union label' - if it's stamped big "E" then it's safe. but what that really means is it's watered down, 2nd generation information that others have already processed for us.

i have tried for the past year to explain to others in my church that the pablum they are reading is inspired by real thoughts and works by people outside the realm of the big "E". that people like henri nouwen and thomas merton, parker palmer and theresa of avila are the people that the authors they are reading read. trying to push them just a bit outside the 'abc' books (already been chewed) that they can't seem to put down.

but when they hear words like 'catholic' or 'monk', 'quaker' or 'contemplative mystic' they look at me like i've got three heads, make the evil eye sign and run for cover. i'm weary. coming from creation and heading to the national youth conference tomorrow i realize that i don't 'fit' in like is used to. the 'rah, rah, hyperactivity of the big "E" church' leaves me feeling queasy and empty inside. they're trying so hard to convince me and everyone else that they really have it all figured out, that they are spiritual. please stop telling me that you are 'evangelical' - for god's sake, show me.

renovatus

i've had this quote running through my mind so much lately, two different converstations and sarah's psalm have me thinking about this quote. i don't remember it standing out to me when i've read mere christianity, but it hit me hard during this year's NYWC with the theme 'renovatus'. it was read by mike yaconelli, marko and tic during the opening general session.

Renovation...

God the builder

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of -- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

(C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity)

bad news...good news...

well, i finally heard today about the piddly little job i applied for in the fall. our kids christian school was looking for a 10 hour a week guidance counsellor for the high school and i thought that would be something i'd enjoy. it would allow me to build into the life we've already made and not have to get child care for pink and buck while i worked.

i'm not it. i never even got an interview. as my girlfriend who's husband has just been elected board chairman says 'they run that place like a summer camp'. i knew if i didn't get it there were good reasons, but i still thought it would be fun to say 'hi, i'm a guidance counsellor'. isn't that dumb? why is the need in me so big that i feel i have to be validated by others??

i phoned liam about it and after he consoled me he told me that while at creation last week he was helping another family settle their campsite and as they got talking the husband asked 'what we did' and liam told them he was a youth pastor and his wife was a writer. that softened the blow for not being qualified enough to warrent a stupid 10 hour a week job at a school that is run like a summer camp. a writer. god bless him. i didn't want that dumb job anyway. (sour grapes always make me feel better for awhile...)

and the good news is that somehow our taxes didn't get filed correctly and we've got a refund for this year - over $1000!! unfortunaely it won't be going into our pockets, but will pay off the error from the first year we resided in the us and made a $2000 mistake that i caught when our taxes finally got filed correctly. so now instead of the bill that we've been paying down slowly we're only looking at about $400 left. so that is a huge help. better than a dumb job anyway! :)

reasonably happy in this life...reasonably happy in this life...reasonably happy in this life...reasonably happy in this life...reasonably happy in this life...reasonably happy in this life... breathe...

so that i may be reasonably happy in this life

i like that word 'reasonably'. very grounded, realistic. i can live a pretty ok life being 'reasonably' happy. my friend was giving the lead at our recovery group the other night and talked of how she was a pessimist, glass 1/2 empty. that got me thinking. i don't think i'm either a pessimist or an optomist. i'm a realist. it is what it is. i'm okay with that. contentment with today. taking it for what is is instead of what i wish it would be.

one of the problems of that the overemphasis of the rapture, end times and heaven had in my upbringing was that it left me very unprepared for 'this life'. give a depressed christian a reason and they'll tell you how they can't wait to get to heaven, how this life 'down here' is so horrible, how they just wish jesus would come today. that was me. i really never understood that my eternal life starts today. here. now.

in this life - not just waiting for godot. i'm really beginning to think that this theology has a lot of flaws, not because of biblical 'proof texts' or anything, but really because of the way it leaves it's adherents so ill prepared for 'this life'. and i'm not talking about 'so heavenly minded that they're no earthly good' kind of mystical christians - just people who really don't give a damn about the here and now. it's almost an excuse not to care. 'jesus is coming back soon' is a great excuse not to reduce, reuse and recycle, or there will always be rumors of wars, so praying for peace is nearly seen as unbiblical.

i have come to believe that 'this life' is precious, important and meaningful. i don't believe it's just heaven's waiting room where we're supposed to fritter away our time in 'rapture practice'. so many times i have excused myself and the western church for our complete lack of global perspective. for truly not caring for the poor and the oppressed, the widows and the orphans. i believe when we finally figure out that there is truly a purpose 'here and now' then we will begin to change the world.

i had the honor of hearing gary haugen speak at a national youth workers convention a couple years ago. he is the founder of the international justice mission. he explained how the church of the past systematically introduced the world to health care, evangelism, feeding the hungry and clothing the poor in each consecutive generation. he said that this generation of young people that we work with were going to be the generation that brought the world justice.

they have a t-shirt that i proudly wear. it says 'seek justice'. this ministry fills a deep place in my soul. they assist the poor and oppressed in legal issues all over the world. they free bonded laborers in india, storm into brothels and rescue 6 year old girls from forced prostitution in asia.

they are doing for others what couldn't be done for me. by supporting them financially and in prayer i am able to 'seek justice' on their behalf. it brings me great peace. peace like i never thought would exist. there's a large part of step 12 in this for me. i know i'm not the one taking the message, but someone is taking the message of freedom to them. to those baby girls forced to have sex with strangers 15 times a day. to those families trapped in generations of slavery. to the rape victim who has no one to stand up for them, they do, and they do it well.

it's been a huge part of my recovery, and played a great role in helping me to be 'reasonably happy in this life'.

father, just for today help me to be content with reasonably. help my reach not to exceed my grasp. help me to remember that i am on this earth for a reason, not to wish this away with thoughts of escape. keep me grounded in this perfect present. amen.

an apple a day???

while in canada they broadcast a medical radio program i listened to regularly. i can't get it here, but i receive his email updates and visit his website regularly. he's the best i've heard on nutrition and wellness. because my family of origin had NO teaching on health and nutrition i found this to be very helpful for me. if you are in the same boat you can find him here:

dr. mirkin

here's the news i needed to hear today as i am an 'apple'...

Dear Dr. Mirkin: Why is it worse to have a fat stomach than fat hips?

A new study from Queen’s University in Canada confirms that storing fat primarily in your belly, rather than your hips, increases your chances of suffering heart attacks and diabetes (American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, March 2004). When you take in more calories than your body needs, your liver turns them into fat. People who store fat primarily in their bellies are called "apples," while those who store fat primarily in their hips are called "pears."

Fat cells in your belly are different from those in your hips. The blood that flows from belly fat goes directly to your liver, whereas the blood that flows from your hips goes into your general circulation. The livers of those who store fat in their bellies are blocked from removing insulin by the extra fat and therefore do not remove insulin from the bloodstream as effectively as the livers of those who store fat in their hips and have less fat in their livers. So "apples" have higher blood insulin and sugar levels.

You need insulin to drive sugar from your bloodstream into your cells, but insulin is also a harmful hormone because it lowers blood levels of the good HDL cholesterol that prevents heart attacks and raises blood levels of the bad triglycerides that cause heart attacks. Being shaped like an apple and having a beer belly increases your risk for a heart attack and diabetes. People who store fat primarily in their hips and are shaped like pears are less likely to have heart attacks.

damn genetics...

it's real, it's real, it's real!!

wooooooooo hoooooooo! it's real. i'm really published. i can't link to it here, but it's real! sigh. i actually thought that at the last minute they'd change their minds, but it's real. i've seen the cover - IT'S REAL!

i haven't had a job in over 8 years. no paycheck, no pat on the head, no immediate validation. i proposed an article for a trade journal and not only did they like it they are featuring it, and i've got my name (my real name) on the cover - wooo hooo! this is really validating for me. someone else realized i have a brain in my head. for some strange reason that is so important to me.

you may be able to put 2&2 together and figure out who i am, and that's never been my reason for anonimity here on my blog. it's truly so the sr. pastor/board and our church or my extended family can't google my name (like they don't have better things to do) and find out i'm airing myself (and sometimes them) in public). if curiosity is killing you (and i'm sure you have better things to do too) email me and i will send you the link. the article link isn't active yet, but the cover and the descriptions of the articles are there. they usually activate the links about a week into release.

i sent it to a friend who i respect and she told me the article was 'beautiful and brave'. it's that brave part i'm still a bit nervous about. i know that it could fall into the hands of those in authority at our church, and it's a challenge to them, and to all churches to use power properly. so, for as excited as i am that this is soon to arrive on my doorstep, i'm also a bit anxious.

i watched my mother bobbie, the real bobbie, write her whole life without getting published. it broke her heart. i hope she's happy for me. my father's reaction will be a crap shoot. he may love it, or he may hate it. it's kind of critical of churches that think they have it all figured out. we'll see. either way i set out to accomplish something and i did it. i'm really proud of myself, i hope that doesn't sound vain (because you know pride comes before the fall... as my mother would remind me EVERY time i would be happy about something that i had accomplished...)

father help me to glory in the fact that i have accomplished something without being prideful. help me to find that balance. i don't want to fall. i don't want to be prideful. i just truly want to enjoy the fact that something i did worked. amen.

if i surrender to your will

my best friend and i won tickets on WLS to see cheap trick in concert when i was in 8th grade. my parents were not thrilled, but allowed me to attend. i was going to marry robin zander and he was going to sweep me away from my little boring life. he would look into my eyes in the 14th row and know we were meant to be together... the band was cheap trick, it was 1979. the reason that i am traversing down memory lane is that they had a anthem to my generation about surrender that has been running through my head since i started contemplating this line yesterday.

your mommy's all right
your daddy's all right
they just seem a little weird
surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay

the rest of the lyrics are stupid, that's probably why it rarely gets covered, but the chorus spoke to my budding rebel soul.

pretend, pretend, but hold a piece of yourself back...

that was me. that still is me. surrender? that means i loose right? white flag, hands up, i loose. no thanks.

i am no huge fan of james dobson, but his famous book, strong willed child could have been written about me. i am very strong willed. the frustrated perfectionist. determined to get my way, but so exhausted from the fight that i give up mid process because it isn't exactly like i dreamed it could/would/should be.

if. that song's been going through my head too. you know, the one by bread. 'if a picture paints a 1000 words, then why can't i paint you?' blah, blah, blah. okay, so i have a choice, right? if.

what happens 'if' i won't?? ah, the story of my life... okay. maybe trying it your way god won't kill me. if i surrender to your will.

this is a daily struggle for me. daily. today, this morning i'm in a pretty crappy mood (oh you noticed? sorry...) my in-laws come today, and they are the helpful ones, not the picky ones, but i still resent having to have to set aside my writing and my obsessive computer time to focus on my house. we just got back from camping... uck. most of the stuff has been put away, but now there's just the regular house mess. surrender. i'd like to say 'stuff it'. but they are coming to help us out.

problem #2. i am helping liam with his youth group this upcoming week. we are taking 30 youth to our national convention. i'm kind of resenting having to leave home again. i don't know why, it's a great escape, no kids, no driving, we're flying this year and we get to stay in hotel rooms not dorms, and the speakers are even great. so why am i so pissy? i don't know. maybe because it's not my idea. maybe because it takes me way longer than it used to to recover from stupid things like camping, i'm not sure. all i know is 'surrender' this morning is kind of ticking me off. if i surrender to you will.

breathe.

okay god. i give up. you have plans for me to prosper, not to harm, to give me a hopeful future, right? just for today lord, make me be willing to be willing. willing to surrender. willing to quit butting my head against the ceiling of your will. i surrender. help me surrender. just for today.

the 'bless me' bug

christianity today has invited brian mclaren to be a regular columnist - his new article is a must read!

trusting that you will make all things right

trust. that is the eternal question isn't it? do i trust him? do i trust anyone? yuck.

it is my suspicion that any and all abuse survivors have issues with trust. hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me... trust is the issue that seperates those who can live a pretty normal attached life from those who are just once step (at least) away from normal. arm's length.

i want to trust with all my heart, honest i do. i want someone to be worthy of that, but it's really handing someone your heart and letting them carry it around in their pocket. what will you do with it? will you care for it? will you honor it? will you play basketball with it, and leave it bleeding at the side of the road?

on the surface i seem like a trusting, accepting person. i have to be, i'm a pastor's wife. but deeper down there is a suspicious core that watches everything. everything.

i am hyper-vigilant. the thought that someone could hurt someone i love on my watch - not if i can do anything about it. i am a ferocious momma bear. i don't want to ever have anyone look me in the eyes and say 'you failed'. i can't hardly even trust myself.

so trusting god, whew... that's a biggie. to make all things 'right'. that's huge. like so huge i am really struggling with it right now. make all things right - hello?? have you seen the mess we're in down here? sudan?? HIV in africa?? and we have yet to see what it's doing in china... and don't get me started about 'your church' - come on god - make all things right?? yuck.

but it brings me back, each time to 'god doesn't waste anything'. nothing, zilch, zero. he has used each difficult step in my life to make me stronger, more able to help, make me more real and useful to the world. i can honestly say that i have seen growth and even blossoms from the fertilizer of each shitty step.

making all things right. god will never do for me what i can do for myself. i'd love quick fixes, i'd love a pie in the sky kind of god who gives gold teeth, but i know that he's more concerned with making me more like jesus. using each step to help me be more loving, more concerned about my world, more concerned about the poor and the oppressed. because trust me, if there wasn't any hardships in my life i'd be the most self-absorbed brat you've ever seen. no one else would matter.

right. that is one of the 'key words' of my life. i wanted to be right more than anything. winner of every arguement, pure theology, politically 'right', heck i was even upset that i was left handed. i wanted to be RIGHT.

i think it has it's roots in my learning disability. it is still to this day 'undiagnosed', but in doing research into my daughter's difficulty with math i am nearly positive that i have dyscalculia. for those of you who are unfamiliar with it it's similar to dyslexia, but with numbers. it haunted me all though my school years, and even into working situations any time i had to balance a till or make change. even when i was 'right' i wasn't really sure how it happened. i guess that being 'right' in other areas became my compensation.

if i wasn't good at something i didn't do it. i only participated in sports or activities where i could be 'right'. i'd argue my point until the other person just got tired out and gave in. right went hand in hand with 'fair'. and fair was something i wanted even more than right. it was the 'it's not fair' chant of my childhood that probably seperated me most from god. i wanted a god who made things fair. so because that didn't happen he never really had my heart. it looked like he did to any and all observing, but deep down i never really trusted him.

he now has my heart, i know it's been a journey to get there, but where else would i go?? so just for today lord, help me to trust that you will make all things right. help me understand that what i think is 'right' is not always part of the big picture. please be worthy of my trust, and help me to be worthy of other's. just for today.

midnight confessions

liam told me about a midnight confession he watched last night on leno. i'm still laughing about it, so i thought maybe you could use a good chuckle. i didn't hear it myself, so it might not be word for word, but it's the gist of it.

a college student confessed that while he was back in high school he and some friends stole some beers from his parents fridge. they snuck down to the basement to drink them. this was a fool proof plan, all except for the fact that there was no bathroom in the basement.

they brilliantly remembered that the kitty litter box was down there, so they decided to use it.

he got home from school the next day to find that his father had spent that day at the vet for $400 worth of tests for the cat to find out what was wrong with the poor thing.

my father would have killed me.

lunch box twins

i went to school that first day of second grade with my most amazing purchase, a bobby sherman lunch box. i finally owned something cool - something that someone else would want - something that wasn’t a hand-me-down and something that made me feel like a big kid.

until i saw her's - i don’t even remember her name - but she was in fifth grade. she was big, with greasy hair and she used to chase us during recess and she terrified me. once she caught me and put me in jail and lurched over me telling me i was in trouble. her breath stank and she had b.o. she is one of the most real people in my memory and always brings me a lot of fear and anxiety when i remember her - but she, yes she too had a bobby sherman lunch box.

crashed were my hopes of belonging, of having the envy of the girls in my class. i was somehow linked to the shame of being a lunch box twin with this horrible, stinky bully. life just wasn’t fair.

...not as i would have it

this line by itself is a bit obscure. but i think that it is necessary, because 'as i would have it' is after all what every addict wants, right? life as i would have it. now, immediately, make me feel good, less bad or numb. NOW... as i would have it.

that's where i get into the problems. when i go from god's timing to bobbie's timing. NOW. no delayed gratification here.

when i get into 'NOW' mode i think of violet from willie wonka and the chocolate factory (which by the way is a very spiritual film when you think about it, who doesn't want a god to make rivers of chocolate and allow us to fly with bubbles of carbonation??). violet is the caricature of NOW. she's who i put into my head when i'm acting like a brat and feeling sorry for myself. it gives me perspective on how i must seem to god, stamping my feet, throwing things out of the way, demanding my needs be met at my whim and in the way that i want them to be met. NOW!

we all have real live basic human needs. food, water, shelter, sex. i struggle with each level of those needs. being satisfied with god's provision to meet those needs instead of my own concoction of what that should look like is where the rubber hits the road for me. masturbation is me determining how one of my basic human needs is going to be met. i can satisfy myself. i don't need you. never have, never will. yuck. but that's really what i am saying, both to god and to liam. your timing isn't good enough for me. i don't want to have to work for intimacy, i'll take a short-cut.

because really, if we're all honest we don't like the long way when it comes to having to truly connect with god or our spouse (or wait until we have one to connect with if we are single). but when we truly look at it from the point of intimacy we begin to understand why god created sex at all.

i mean really, the procreation thing, god could have done it in another way. he could have made it so much easier to make babies. but his goal really wasn't babies, it was bigger than that. it was families, it was community. god knew that we would never experience intimacy if it were left up to us. that bond that comes from sex when it isn't abused is the most beautiful picture of god, communion, and his love for us. but we miss it. we don't get it. it's about intimacy. not stimulation. not babies. not even marriage building. it's a BIG picture for us to get a tiny glimpse into the eternal. into the trinity. into the nature of god. but it's been so distorted and so polluted that we can't even imagine it could be used for anything but making us feel better.

that 'one flesh' concept, if kept as god intended it, is meant to form a bond between a man and woman that is unachievable in any other form. that is why the devil works so hard to twist it, deform it and make it about me. just me. NOW!

liam and i will be married for 17 years in september. for the longest time i thought that god played a pretty sick joke on us. this will take some explaining, but i think we're not the only couple with these kind of extremes, so let me try to hash it out here.

we each have a love language that fills us. (book by gary chapman) liam's is physical touch. mine is quality time. here's the broken part. liam married a sexual abuse survivor who struggles with sexual addiction. bobbie married a workaholic who could work 80 hours a week if allowed. problems?? you bet. this is definitely 'not as i would have it'.

how did this happen? seems like a sick joke doesn't it? it did to me for a very long time. liam and i have been working through a 12 step book with another couple, and what did we find... the SAME thing is true in their marriage. i've spoken to a couple friends and have seen that their love languages have been at extreme opposites from their spouses too. why? sick joke of god? i don't think so any more. i honestly believe that we are drawn to that opposite so that we can truly find balance. that when we work at it we are both brought to the healthy center - where we long to be. it's all about intimacy.

when our marriage is working liam is not spending 80 hours at the church. i am not meeting my own needs or avoiding sex and physical touch. we are both drawn out of our dysfunction into 'function' for lack of a better word, and intimacy is achieved. not such a sick joke any more.

this isn't only about sex either. when i seek to meet my own needs for food i get into trouble. when i am satisfied with my 3 meals a day i am able to live in serenity. it's only when i allow god to meet those needs for me that my life functions as it should. when i seek to meet my needs on my own i will always land back in the place of struggle, difficulty and usually shame.

so god, i don't' want to be violet any more. just for today, help me find intimacy with both you, and liam. help me to be satisfied with you meeting my needs and not strive to meet them on my own. just for today.

if you would like to find out what your love language is you can take this online quiz (make sure your pop-up blocker is ON).

love language quiz

the naked chef

okay, i know he needs no props from my little blog, but my favorite chef has begun his own blog and i'm thrilled.

jamie oliver formerly known as the 'naked chef' (because of his simple recipes and style of cooking, not because he roasts in the buff) kept me sane during my difficult years trapped at home with two tiny babies in the middle of nowhere canada. tvo (tv ontario) regularly showed episodes of the naked chef and it was virtually the only tv we got on our rabbit ears that didn't melt my brain.

so, if you're not familiar with him check him out, and if you're a fan enjoy his new blog. (thanks to marissa for the head's up!)

sunburn, claustrophobia and vip treatment

i'm back... and never going camping again! :)

the change of pace was great, the event itself was incredible, but i'm just plain old not made for camping. i had forgotten how much i hate tents, even though ours is 10' x 20' it still left me with thoughts of turning into the incredible hulk and running through the side for some fresh air. trapped is not a feeling that i am comfortable with, but i lived.

i spent today fulfilling a promise to my 8 year old daughter pink, we are big superchick fans and because our friend blessed us with vip passes, we got down front, dead center - best standing room in the arena for the concert and waited over 1 hour to get her cd jacket signed (we even got to pet their pet toy yorkie 'belle'!). we ended up baking in the sun for over 3 hours and i am fried. i haven't been this sunburned since the days of baby oil and iodine trying to convince my high school skin that i 'just needed a base' to get a tan - it never worked. my scandanavian heritage doesn't have one ounce of pigment and my red hair and freckles just leave me on the short end of the melatonin scale.

i have missed you all (and have 100's of entries in my bloglines to 'catch up' on). the blog world has gone on without me believe it or not!

i will begin again with the prayer thoughts after a good shower, a wonderful nights sleep in my own bed and a fresh ground cup of real coffee in the morning! night all!

re-creation

i think that recreation is so important, i have little idea how to do it, but i think it's really important. to that end our family has been gifted 4 passes to creation east this week, and we are heading up tomorrow to beat the crowds. one of the adult coaches in my husband's youth group has a lot of connections and he can get us in the gate early. so off we go... to camp... and use port-a-potties, and cold showers and hang out with 90,000 of our closest friends... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

and i know it's not hugely emergent to love christian bands, but i do - i get to hear kutless, fm static and superchick, switchfoot and relient k. delirious and jars of clay, audio a and third day. and of course my all time favorite DCB - i have to get the remainder of signatures on my cd jacket. just so you know david crowder is the nicest 'famous person' i've ever had the opportunity to meet. he treated this 38 year old woman like a real human being and chatted with me like we were old friends.

i'm also looking forward to hearing rob bell teach for 2 sessions. he is one of the most gifted speakers i've heard in recent years.

but unlike most bloggers i am laptop-less... and that is my biggest regret. i will miss these keys and this screen. i feel like i'm leaving my children behind. sounds like i need this break (or an intervention) doesn't it?? i can feel the withdrawl shakes happening already.

back to the pen and paper. and some silence and solitude will definately be happening. and i'm sure i'll get to read some of those books i've been setting aside to blog. breathe...

so have a great week. if i can find a computer anywhere on site i will drop in and say 'hi'. you're in my prayers!

training cowards

something to ponder while i'm gone...

When the primacy of love is subordinated to doctrinal correctness and orthodox exegesis, cool cordiality and polite indifference masquerade as love among theologians, biblical scholars, and faculties across the land. When absolute control and rigid obedience pose as love within the family and the local faith-community, we produce trained cowards rather than Christian persons. - Brennan Manning

i love that guy!

taking as jesus did this sinful world as it is

this was the line in the prayer that really got me thinking, and wanting to pull apart this prayer. i had been saying it for years and i never really caught this line until a couple months ago.

it was like my brain said 'wait, what was that? back up.' so many times i expect god to just sweep into my life, clean up all of the problems and fix everything. everything. why would my friend have a sick child, why would this teenager die unexpectedly, why wouldn't we have more financial freedom? why, why, why?

and then i really heard this line:

...taking as jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it..."

jesus didn't come to earth, heal everyone, feed everyone and make things all better. why? i don't know, but he didn't. he had a purpose, and he even faced his own share of hardships while on earth. why should i expect any different.

the jesus of my childhood and youth was more like mr. rogers than the son of god. i adore mr. rogers, so that was okay for awhile. but he was so emasculated and so 'nice' that when life got hard he just didn't have the grit i needed to help me, so i set him aside.

it was only when some women from my church wanted me to teach a study on phillip yancy's 'the jesus i never knew' that i even remotely started to understand how wrong what i had been taught was.

i fell in love, deeply in love.

this jesus was real, he respected women and let them speak. he loved them and redeemed them IN THEIR SITUATIONS - not plucking them OUT and giving them new circumstances. the woman caught in adultery was told to go and sin no more - jesus didn't make it easy for her. he just loved her where she was at.

that 'name it claim it' theology is dangerous, not because it's making some bad preachers rich, but because it puts a wall between the seeker and god when all the 'claim it' stuff doesn't fall into their laps. church is not an amway convention. church is where jesus should meet us in our circumstances and give us the strength to climb out of them. we think that means from lower middle class to upper middle class. nope. that means from brokenness, generations of addictions, to health and healing. jesus never promised me an suv and a fancy house.

he actually said the opposite.

i'm glad that reinhold neibuhr added this line. i'm glad he didn't make it all about sunshine and posies. jesus didn't come to earth with a big agenda, he helped those in front of him, who screwed up the courage to ask. yes, some got healed, but 1000's didn't. that jesus rarely shows up at our churches.

when i said 'should' and 'rarely shows up' i don't mean that it's HIS fault - it's the churches fault. rarely do we teach or talk about this jesus. we want the big medicine in the sky, the big slot machine in the sky - give me the bling bling jesus, not the one who 'took this sinful world as it is' and left it with more problems and confusion than when he got there.

god is such a mystery to me. he works backwards most of the time as far as i'm concerned, that's what makes him real to me. that's when i know that i didn't just invent him as a crutch. because trust me - i could invent a super sonic, never let me down, opiate of the masses kind of crutch. god doesn't just make everything better, he challenges me, spurrs me on and causes me to reach. he will never do for me what i can do for myself. trust me, if i was inventing a god that's not who he'd be. my god would have given me remote control finger tips. i wouldn't have to leave my couch to do anything.

that's really why we try to sugar coat it and make it pretty, shine it up for the world, because in truth, our god is hard to swallow. he requires a lot of me, expects a lot of me - but gives me all the strength i need to accomplish it. i'm glad jesus didn't get his followers together, build them a resort complex and say - 'enjoy, look what i've done for you - look at the place i've prepared, live here and all your problems will be taken care of.' that's the jesus i see far to many 'christians' pushing in our world today.

my mother (the real bobbie) was very sick for most of my life. shortly after our family found jesus in 1973 she began to get very ill. the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with her. we heard diagnoses from 'cat scratch fever' to you've got cancer, and 2 weeks to live, go home and prepare your family. what really was wrong was that my mother had SLE nephritis, more commonly called 'lupus'.

lupus is a very personal disease, it affects each person in their own curious way. basically my mom had these really eager white blood cells that thought she was sick all through her body, and so they would attack her organs and eventually injure them, and then she really would get sick. it destroyed her kidneys and lymph nodes.

our church didn't 'do' healing, but i know she wanted to meet that jesus who would take that away. when he didn't 'hear' her prayers it made her very angry. anger was my mom's way of dealing with the things in the world that were out of her control. a seething, slow burn kind of anger.

so i grew up thinking god was pretty impotent. i would have never admitted it out loud, but really i didn't get why someone so powerful would choose to let bad things happen to people who followed him. my world was so small i never thought about 'why are people starving in third world countries' - i just thought that if someone was wearing god's badge that they should at least get some club membership priveledges.

taking as jesus did this sinful world as it is...

today, just for today i am going to try to see a bit from his perspective. how facing my hardships makes me better and stronger, that by leaning into the wind i am developing the spiritual muscles i need to face each day. as jesus did. help me jesus.

accepting hardship as a pathway to peace

hardship and peace in the same sentence? really? and i have to accept it?

accepting hardship is stupid, i'm smarter than that. i spent most of my life thinking that very thought. take the easy way out, instant gratification, no worries. but i was like the chronic careless driver who has a glove compartment filled with citations, speeding violations and parking tickets. problems? i don't see any problems...

the road i was on was paved with puffy clouds of denial cushioning every bump, medicated air bags keeping me from feeling any pain. hardship? i'm smarter than that. why should i feel those horrible emotions and fears when i can block them out or inhibriate myself into believing they don't exist?

hitting bottom is really the only way god ever really gets an addict's (my) attention. i was so out of touch and out of control that falling flat on my face was what i needed. the road to recovery is the pathway to peace. i would not be where i am now if i had not experienced the hardships i have endured.

accepting.

when i was seven i 'accepted' jesus into my heart. i 'accepted' presents at birthdays and christmas. i even 'accepted' awards and diplomas. accepting hardship? yuck. no thank you. can you please tell me where the customer service department is? i'd like to return this hardship, it just doesn't seem to fit.

but 'in and through' is truly part of accepting the things i cannot change. my life is my own. it's been bumped and bruised, chipped and crazed, but it's MINE. no one can take that away from me. god doesn't waste anything.

hardship.

into each life a little rain must fall... crap. greeting card crap. how 'bout typhoons and hurricaines? and mine is mild compared to some. each of us have our bumps and bruises, our difficulties and our hardship. owning it is truly the pathway to peace.

pathway.

the most recent gift recovery and therapy has brought to me is a gentle path through the 12 steps by patrick cairns. this book is a blend of workbook and spiritual practices, reading and doing. it has been integral in my healing from both the abuse and the addictions.

i am on a path, today a bit farther along than yesterday. it is a path i choose - a path that is leading me toward peace, health and recovery. i can choose to go backward, or even convince myself that standing still is a pretty good option. that the woods ahead are dark and mysterious and filled with unknown spectres and fears. but standing still looks an awful lot like camping after awhile. pitching a tent and deciding that comfort and ease are a better alternative. 'look how far i've come, let me rest awhile' can soon turn into a village of squatters and we all know how difficult it is to actually get moving again.

and the problem with squatting is that you soon are surrounded by other squatters. people who are also filled with fear and are also afraid to move forward. it can get so bad that going backward looks even more attractive than hanging around with them. at least those people 'back there' seem to be having a lot more fun. and i'm not having any fun at all here on the path. standing still on the path is the most dangerous place i know.

i have to keep my destination in clear focus. it's only then that i can truly keep myself motivated and moving forward. i am always only one bite away from relapse. one of my favorite sayings 'guru jim' always said was that during abstinence or sobriety my addiction is doing push-ups. it's getting stronger and more brutal even during the time i'm not participating in it. relapse is a deadly dangerous place along the path. sometimes it's marked with cemetaries, prisons and psychiatric hospitals.

peace.

pray for peace. give peace a chance. peace at all costs. peace on earth goodwill to men. i know it smacks of a beauty pagent answer - but don't we all just want peace? peace in the world, peace in our hearts, peace in our homes. peace.

i was raised in a very conservative fundamental church. the one that invented dispensationalism. war was something that was biblical, necessary, it marked the coming end of all things and the great 'sweep' so i have grown up thinking that peace was almost a 4-letter word. really. war was good, it meant relevation was true, peace was for leftist hippies and amillenialists (both equally as bad). john lennon was a heretic and peace was for the millenial kingdom. i even remember hearing a sermon about the 'peace sign' being a broken cross and how it was evil and of the devil.

so finding a pathway to peace could only be some figurative, artsy fartsy method that was probably involved some 'new age' mumbo jumbo and it too was 'of the devil.' how good it feels to be free from that bondage. to know that the god in heaven doesn't need 'wars and rumors of wars' to bring the fulfillment of his will. i'm still finding my way on what i believe and where i stand to the end of time as we know it, i just know that today i can pray for peace and not be a heretic.

so, just for today i can accept the hardships i have endured, and face the ones yet to come knowing that they are truly heading toward the goal of peace. peace in my life, and in my home. and maybe one day our world. pray for peace.

feelings, nothing more than feelings...

okay, it's a bad title, but it's my 4th post today! :)

one of the frustrations i've had with my healing and recovery was trying to identify and feel the feelings i was (duh) feeling.

i told my therapist that i didn't even have the words i needed to describe them. they weren't a part of my vocabulary. i am an educated, fairly intelligent individual, so this came as a great frustration to me. it felt like another language i had never learned.

at that point she got up, when to her office and returned with a watercolor print that had small children drawn all over it. each child was expressing a different feeling or emotion and they were drawn to express that emotion, and even without the words and definitions you would be able to identify the emotion. it was magical - i loved it and have searched high and low for it.

as the blog world is unusually silent today my usual reading time was empty and i got a bit bored, so i began to google and came across this great site that is similar to, but not nearly as artistic as the print. it is a great tool to help those of us who need 'remedial feelings 101' as a kind of cheat sheet. so if this is you enjoy!

list of feeling words

here are some more to enjoy:

feelings inventory

needs inventory