trust. that is the eternal question isn't it? do i trust him? do i trust anyone? yuck.
it is my suspicion that any and all abuse survivors have issues with trust. hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice, shame on me... trust is the issue that seperates those who can live a pretty normal attached life from those who are just once step (at least) away from normal. arm's length.
i want to trust with all my heart, honest i do. i want someone to be worthy of that, but it's really handing someone your heart and letting them carry it around in their pocket. what will you do with it? will you care for it? will you honor it? will you play basketball with it, and leave it bleeding at the side of the road?
on the surface i seem like a trusting, accepting person. i have to be, i'm a pastor's wife. but deeper down there is a suspicious core that watches everything. everything.
i am hyper-vigilant. the thought that someone could hurt someone i love on my watch - not if i can do anything about it. i am a ferocious momma bear. i don't want to ever have anyone look me in the eyes and say 'you failed'. i can't hardly even trust myself.
so trusting god, whew... that's a biggie. to make all things 'right'. that's huge. like so huge i am really struggling with it right now. make all things right - hello?? have you seen the mess we're in down here? sudan?? HIV in africa?? and we have yet to see what it's doing in china... and don't get me started about 'your church' - come on god - make all things right?? yuck.
but it brings me back, each time to 'god doesn't waste anything'. nothing, zilch, zero. he has used each difficult step in my life to make me stronger, more able to help, make me more real and useful to the world. i can honestly say that i have seen growth and even blossoms from the fertilizer of each shitty step.
making all things right. god will never do for me what i can do for myself. i'd love quick fixes, i'd love a pie in the sky kind of god who gives gold teeth, but i know that he's more concerned with making me more like jesus. using each step to help me be more loving, more concerned about my world, more concerned about the poor and the oppressed. because trust me, if there wasn't any hardships in my life i'd be the most self-absorbed brat you've ever seen. no one else would matter.
right. that is one of the 'key words' of my life. i wanted to be right more than anything. winner of every arguement, pure theology, politically 'right', heck i was even upset that i was left handed. i wanted to be RIGHT.
i think it has it's roots in my learning disability. it is still to this day 'undiagnosed', but in doing research into my daughter's difficulty with math i am nearly positive that i have dyscalculia. for those of you who are unfamiliar with it it's similar to dyslexia, but with numbers. it haunted me all though my school years, and even into working situations any time i had to balance a till or make change. even when i was 'right' i wasn't really sure how it happened. i guess that being 'right' in other areas became my compensation.
if i wasn't good at something i didn't do it. i only participated in sports or activities where i could be 'right'. i'd argue my point until the other person just got tired out and gave in. right went hand in hand with 'fair'. and fair was something i wanted even more than right. it was the 'it's not fair' chant of my childhood that probably seperated me most from god. i wanted a god who made things fair. so because that didn't happen he never really had my heart. it looked like he did to any and all observing, but deep down i never really trusted him.
he now has my heart, i know it's been a journey to get there, but where else would i go?? so just for today lord, help me to trust that you will make all things right. help me understand that what i think is 'right' is not always part of the big picture. please be worthy of my trust, and help me to be worthy of other's. just for today.