Sunday, June 06, 2004

anonymously yours

okay, so i stink at this anonymous thing. i used 'liam's' real name earlier this a.m. and i can hardly keep from talking about blogging in public... yikes. i need to say something really bad about someone around here so that i'll keep my mouth shut for fear of being found out! :)

the internet monk at his personal blog micheal spencer has commented on my brutal honesty and how open i've been. i'm honored that he would even read my blog, let alone write such nice things. it made me think i should explain some things about myself.

my church knows everything about my addictions. they did before they hired my husband. i stand in front of the celebrate recovery group at our church and admit to my sexual addiction and compulsive overeating. they have heard my testimony and i openly admit to my struggles.

the silly thing is that i'm 'hiding' because of my emergent views - i don't want 'liam' to get sacked because i swear in the basement again! :) it's mostly out of fear of that, and not about my addictions that i have chosen to be anonymous.

granted, it is helping that i am anonymous to give me courage to say some things raw that i might otherwise sanitize for your protection, but i really am okay with looking you in the face and having you know these things about me.

that's the beauty of the 12 steps. it breaks the power of shame in our lives.

michael mentioned that he didn't want this kind of thing happening in his living room. i totally 'get that' - but if i can use any of the stuff i've been through to help someone else - it's not wasted.

if i had to go through all of that crap for nothing it's totally worthless and god becomes a sadist again. (oh, i will be correcting this in my earlier posts - i used the term masochist, i meant sadist.)

i guess the other thing that i should tell you is that 'liam' already knows all of this stuff about me too. see what happens when you have people who know all of this stuff and still love you - that's when real intimacy happens. that's when life gets good. i don't have to live in fear that any of my secrets (other than my semi-heretical views...) are going to be exposed. i truly have no secrets. none.

it's liberating, freeing, and i truly think what god intended for us all along.

i think that the only reason paul didn't say he struggled with masturbation in the epistles is that it would have made those who didn't feel left out. we don't 'know' what his struggle was, and that's because every single one of us struggles with 'something' - insert your struggle 'here'. can't you just hear him 'the thing i know i shouldn't do, that's what i can't stop doing', and that thing i know i should do i just can't seem to find the energy for." come on, if he's not talking about masturbation here i'll eat my hat.

(see these are the kind of things we can't have the elders at my church find out i say...)

those of you who have written me know my real name. i truly am not hiding in shame from what i've written. yes, i would like to protect my father from having to be the pervert's father, and my aunts protected from exposing their pervert husbands, so those are reasons enough for me to be anonymous, but i truly, with all of my heart believe that my struggle can help you with yours.

anyway - tomorrow i'll be attempting to continue a 'part 2' of one of the 3 running narratives i've started. i'd be happy to answer any comments or questions (anonymous comments can be left on blogger).

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