Thursday, June 10, 2004

too much information - part two

on june 1st i blogged "too much information - part one". it dealt mostly with my history of sexual abuse, compulsive overeating and sexual addiction.

i'm not sure where to go from there, but if there is a 'part one' there needs to be a 'part two' right? so here goes...

one of the biggest shocks to my preconceived notions was that marriage didn't 'fix me' in the area of sexual brokenness. i truly thought all through high school and college that 'it's only because i'm not married that i struggle'. news flash... wrong.

what i didn't realize is that i was training my body and my mind to be dependent on 'self satisfaction'. that's a dangerous thing to bring to a marriage. mutual pleasure in marriage isn't like the movies tell you it will be. it's difficult and can be very frustrating for a young couple to learn, especially when you are adding in addictions.

any time things got difficult between us, we fought or i just wanted to punish liam i could do that very easily. i would detach emotionally and satisfy myself. i didn't 'need him' and really did some damage to our marriage.

another LIE this world sells is that 'sexual aids' or pornography can bring depth or excitement to your relationship. that's straight from the pit of hell - and i don't mean because it's sinful - it's a lie because of the damage that it does to people.

3 dimensional real people can't compare to imaginary ones with staples in their stomachs, all airbrushed and fake. real people smell bad, irritate you and have flaws. fake is fake is fake. it will never enhance or enrich your sex life. it will truly only ever lead to division.

for liam and i there were times where we messed around with those things as a couple, but more often than not it continued in 'private' for me. viewing it as a 'couple' opened the door to a world of private hell. as mentioned in 'part one' i had an insatiable appetite for pornography. i would hunt for it anywhere i visited or babysat and if i found it i'd sneak it or any dirty literature or movies i could find home.

liam worked shifts and that left me 'alone' for most of my off work time. there were times when we hardly even saw each other. i spent that 'alone' time planning and preparing, sneaking and obsessing. i developed rituals and habits, and the obtaining of the junk was almost as much of a rush as actually viewing it. most of the time the 'junk' left me empty, hollow or disappointed. the thing i didn't realize is that it was programming deep ruts into my brain that i still struggle with today.

once we got internet service i was done for. there was no 'outside' shame involved - no one else knew what i was viewing, no store clerks or librarians. the internet while it is a wonderful tool to connect us, it is also a horrible weapon to divide us.

what i also didn't realize is that as my appetite for porn increased the level to which it satisfied decreased. just like alcohol or narcotics my behavior needed to be riskier and more ugly to get me 'high'.

i know why ted bundy became a serial killer. that vacuum of need inside us becomes voracious and sucks up everything we throw at it and it is insatiable. nothing satisfies, the hunger just gets hungrier, the desperation more desperate. that is why strip clubs and prostitutes are becoming the 'norm' now, the 2 dimensional doesn't satisfy anymore. soon what is called normal will be so ugly we won't even be able to bear it.

life had become so desperate for me that suicide looked like my only option.

i was sure that i would go to heaven and be free, finally free. i had a plan. while we lived in canada we were very close to niagara falls. my plan was to drive my little mazda to the falls, leave it running in the street and vault myself over the guard rail to be swallowed up by that powerful, deep cleaning flood.

when that man survived last summer i knew exactly how he felt. i wanted to write him and tell him i understood. he wasn't crazy. (well, as crazy as i wasn't...) this was my only 'hope'. i was infertile, haunted, shameful and only wanted to serve god with my life. i was a failure. life was too much to bear.

every time company would come to visit we'd have to take them to the falls, of course. it was all i could do to not jump. it felt like there was a little gargoyle sitting on the rail beckoning me with his long finger, closer and closer to the rail. i would stand in the mist and cry. usually those with us couldn't distinguish my tears from the mist, so no one had any idea of my struggle.

i bore it well. it was hidden, secret. no one knew anything other than i was overweight. we volunteered with the youth group at our church (and we were damn good at it) and spent all of our vacation time volunteering at a camp. all we wanted was to have a family and serve god. and yet i couldn't get it together enough to stop my addictions and want to live.

i knew that it was because i was such a horrible person that god wouldn't give me a baby or a ministry. god the sadist. sick me with these horrible demons and then blame me for it. it was a desperate time for me. 'read your bible and pray more' just wasn't cutting it. god, jesus and the church were unable to bring me any relief or freedom from my pain. i had a bachelor of science in biblical studies and not one ounce of it helped do anything more for me than make me feel like a failure.

and then i met my endocrinologist. she looked at me and said 'bobbie, it is no longer your job to get you pregnant, it is now mine.' it was the nicest thing anyone had ever said to me. it was hope. the pressure was off my shoulders and i was pregnant in two months (after 6 years of infertility). that new life within me brought me salvation. not the jesus kind of salvation, but the kind that comes in small packages and is marked 'more abundance'. somewhere along the line i got so discouraged, so confused, and so misled. i will continue this in 'part two' of 'got grace'.

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