the courage to change the things i can

courage. the best definition i have heard was that courage wasn't the absence of fear in a situation, but being afraid, and doing it anyway.

to change the things i can. having the mental space to be removed enough from my life to be able to start to examine my choices is probably one of the the first achievements in regaining my health and well being. it's what serenity does. it's not just about meditating on a mountain top removed from the world, but being able to accomplish life as we live it with healthy choices.

i see a spiritual director every year at the national youth workers convention when i attend with my husband. last september we were in phoenix and i was telling her of my deep temptation to chuck my life and move to a monastery. live the life of the contemplative nun.

it's difficult for me as a sexual abuse survivor, and a recovering sexual addict to be able to live in a healthy, fulfilling marriage. i would just rather slam the door to those parts of my life and pretend they never existed. abstinence is very attractive to me.

when i am sexual with liam there are many times that door of my past opens, the tapes in my head start to replay and i am either that terrified 6 year old girl or that whore of an addict. neither role is the woman i long to be, and neither are safe and comfortable.

my spiritual director drew a parallel for me that neither the whore or the nun can survive in society. both are 'set aside' from community and extremes on each end of the spectrum. and neither is truly healthy and balanced. so it is here, in the middle of that spectrum that i truly will find my healing and the woman that i long to be.

the courage to change the things i can...

the nun is safer for me, more spiritual and totally within my control. i like her, i want to be her, but she is not who god has chosen for me to be at this time. i am a woman, i am a wife and i am a mother among many other facets of my persona. today, just for today i must feed and care for my children, live in intimacy with my husband and engage in my community and make choices that are within my control.

change. what are the things that are within my control to change?

change for me used to mean everybody else. "if they would all get their lives together mine would be so much healthier." blame, blame, blame. i have learned that the only thing i really have control over is me and the way that i respond to a situation.

instead of controlling others or thinking i have control over myself because i can eat anything and everything i see i have found that that is a lie. that is not control, that is not freedom. that is slavery. control is being free enough to make the choices toward health and healing. believing the lie that my sexual sin is just hurting 'me' is choosing to believe that i am an island. my choices affect all those around me.

i remember that seinfeld about masterbation. are you 'master of your domain?' they actually understood a part of what a sexual addict tells themselves on a daily basis. 'i can do this, i can master this, i am stronger than this, i am master of my domain.' it didn't work on the show, and it doesn't work in real life. honest it doesn't. that is why the 12 steps do work. i am powerless over my addictions and my life has become unmanagable. and that doesn't come easily to the addict. the words just stick in our throats. "powerless? come on, i'm smarter than that. unmanagable? oh i can manage this, i'm bright, capable and 'master of my domain'."

sometimes courage comes in the form of admitting defeat. i am powerless, i cannot change on my own.

i choose today to change the way that i relate to the world around me; in a different way than the generations of my family did before me. to break the cycle and give hope to the legacy of my family after me.

sara groves, on her conversations cd has a song called generations. it is a vision. a true gift to adult children of alcoholics, to abuse survivors, to those who want to make choices to change the things they can. i am including the lyrics here for you to enjoy:

I can taste the fruit of Eve
I’m aware of sickness, death and disease
The results of our choices are vast
Eve was the first but she wasn’t the last

And if I were honest with myself
Had I been standing at that tree
My mouth and my hands would be covered with fruit
Things I shouldn’t know and things I shouldn’t see

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

She taught me to fear the serpent
I’m learning the fear myself
And all of the things I am capable of
In my search for wisdom, acceptance and wealth

And to say that the devil made me do it
Is a cop out and a lie
The devil can’t make me do anything
When I’m calling on Jesus Christ

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand daughter
Live in peace
To my great, great, great grand son
Live in peace, oh, live in peace

Remind me of this with every decision
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know

Oh, remind me
Generations will reap what I sow
I can pass on a curse or a blessing
To those I will never know
Oh, I may never know

do yourself a favor and find that cd - it is truly beautiful and this song will inspire you as you make decisions and choices. realizing that our decisions truly have a much larger effect than only our own personal life and psyche is another break in chain of the bondage of addiction.

god, give me courage today to make changes. you are the god of change and creativity. help me be creative in my change. to be life giving and bring hope, to myself and those in my community. give me courage, courage like i've never had to face parts of me i've never seen. help me to live in today but dream of tomorrow.