if i surrender to your will

my best friend and i won tickets on WLS to see cheap trick in concert when i was in 8th grade. my parents were not thrilled, but allowed me to attend. i was going to marry robin zander and he was going to sweep me away from my little boring life. he would look into my eyes in the 14th row and know we were meant to be together... the band was cheap trick, it was 1979. the reason that i am traversing down memory lane is that they had a anthem to my generation about surrender that has been running through my head since i started contemplating this line yesterday.

your mommy's all right
your daddy's all right
they just seem a little weird
surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay

the rest of the lyrics are stupid, that's probably why it rarely gets covered, but the chorus spoke to my budding rebel soul.

pretend, pretend, but hold a piece of yourself back...

that was me. that still is me. surrender? that means i loose right? white flag, hands up, i loose. no thanks.

i am no huge fan of james dobson, but his famous book, strong willed child could have been written about me. i am very strong willed. the frustrated perfectionist. determined to get my way, but so exhausted from the fight that i give up mid process because it isn't exactly like i dreamed it could/would/should be.

if. that song's been going through my head too. you know, the one by bread. 'if a picture paints a 1000 words, then why can't i paint you?' blah, blah, blah. okay, so i have a choice, right? if.

what happens 'if' i won't?? ah, the story of my life... okay. maybe trying it your way god won't kill me. if i surrender to your will.

this is a daily struggle for me. daily. today, this morning i'm in a pretty crappy mood (oh you noticed? sorry...) my in-laws come today, and they are the helpful ones, not the picky ones, but i still resent having to have to set aside my writing and my obsessive computer time to focus on my house. we just got back from camping... uck. most of the stuff has been put away, but now there's just the regular house mess. surrender. i'd like to say 'stuff it'. but they are coming to help us out.

problem #2. i am helping liam with his youth group this upcoming week. we are taking 30 youth to our national convention. i'm kind of resenting having to leave home again. i don't know why, it's a great escape, no kids, no driving, we're flying this year and we get to stay in hotel rooms not dorms, and the speakers are even great. so why am i so pissy? i don't know. maybe because it's not my idea. maybe because it takes me way longer than it used to to recover from stupid things like camping, i'm not sure. all i know is 'surrender' this morning is kind of ticking me off. if i surrender to you will.

breathe.

okay god. i give up. you have plans for me to prosper, not to harm, to give me a hopeful future, right? just for today lord, make me be willing to be willing. willing to surrender. willing to quit butting my head against the ceiling of your will. i surrender. help me surrender. just for today.