one of the reasons that i've started to blog was to challenge myself to write, and to write about the most difficult things in my life. i'm going to attempt something that i've been putting off for weeks (months??) here on the blog. i am going to try to process my addictions.
boy, this is harder than i thought it would be... hmmm. where to start?
hello, my name is bobbie, and i am a recovering compulsive overeater and sexual addict.
there... it can only get easier from there, right?
no, didn't think so.
well, i best start at the beginning. i was raised in an alcoholic home. both of my parents struggled with life in general and my mother struggled with undiagnosed depression and mental illness. i was the eldest of two girls, and at a very early age i realized that i was pretty much on my own.
during my father's 35th birthday party (i was 6) one of my father's friends (or possibly an uncle) stumbled into the bathroom of my home as i was using it and trapped me in there and proceeded to orally rape me. because of shame or secrets (i don't know which or both?) that memory was lost to me until 2 years ago (almost to the day). the only memory i had was my mother finding me curled up and crying under my bed. she dragged me out to the party and told everyone that i was all red-eyed and puffy because they decided to put creme de mint in the ice cream they were making, and i thought i couldn't have any.
as a child i knew more about sex than santa. you see, even though it was a horrible incident it was attention. i was so starved for attention as a child that even something so horrible and damaging left it's mark in my life and began a life long obsession with sex that i have battled my whole entire life.
one day at a time... i have had some victories though. through wonderful therapy and amazing recovery programs i have linked those 'one days' into 1,598 days of abstinence.
closely linked to my sexual addiction is my other battle of food addiction. i will write more about what it was like during the active addiction days (this is what i have been avoiding) but i will say that coming 'off' chocolate and then sugar has been a godsend for me. i have serenity (most days) and nothing tastes as good as that feels.
they (sex and food) are so closely linked for me that i know that if i was to slip in one area the other one would come crashing down with it. that is the constant fear of the addict. i heard a well-seasoned mentor tell me that during sobriety his addiction was doing push-ups. he knew if he slipped that he would be facing a behemoth of addiction or even death.
so, just for today i breathe, i pray, attempt to maintain constant contact with god, keep my lists short and work on my recovery, and replace the lies with the truth. some days it's shaky and precarious, others it seems so natural and calm. it's never easy, but some days it does get easier.
2 comments:
I have nothing but the utmost respect for your courage. I, too, suffer from addicitons-drugs mostly; however, I was bulimic for over 25 years (my mother says it's because I wanted my cake and eat it too!), so I know what you are talking about where food is involved (and I think our mothers have a little in common as well). My bulimia ended when I lead a meeting at the ABC club where I opened up and shared everything about my problem. I really spent the best 6 months of my life in recovery. I miscarried and stopped my meetings and now I'm right back where I started from-kind of. I have also been diagnosed as bi-polar so my world is just a big up and down cycle of looped frenzy. Any ways, enough about me-I just wanted to express to you (because I have been there myself) that I know how hard those sorts of things are to write about and felt that your did a wonderful job (does that make sense?). I hope you continue the good work-it seems you're on the right track. I hope that you keep writing-It's inspiring to me. Take care of yourself, Bobbie, you're worth it!!
Sincerely, Angela
"Recovery works if you work it."
Anyone in recovery circles has heard that so many times before.
One of my many character defects is to take back my will with all its fears, insecurities and pride. I use it to blot out stuff around me so I can just numb out the world.
Frequently this takes the form of going on another binge eatting spree or lapsing into one of my many months' long depresions. These are so frequent to also earn me the bipolar diagnosis. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the threads of the addictions run together. Whnever I try to control one of my multiple addictions I get the "jackpots" I've heard from others in other fellowships talk about. I hurt so much at how isolated and hopelessly independent I have allowed myself to become. But then in an instance my Higher Power said "ask for help." A google search and here I am posting this.
The point is whenever I try to run the show I get the pain and suffering only an addict can understand. The cycle of shame and acting out continues. I hit a wall today and my High Power was there to catch me. He pointed me to your site for some reason. Your suffering,honesty and willing to share your pain and daily reliance on the God of your Understanding have helped me right now beyond words.
Thank you for your inspiration. I cocnclude by offering my anonymous email address for any who wish to chat and recovery and spiritual growth.
Your worth it, so work it
Sincerely yours in recovery,
Joe
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