one of the reasons that i've started to blog was to challenge myself to write, and to write about the most difficult things in my life. i'm going to attempt something that i've been putting off for weeks (months??) here on the blog. i am going to try to process my addictions.
boy, this is harder than i thought it would be... hmmm. where to start?
hello, my name is bobbie, and i am a recovering compulsive overeater and sexual addict.
there... it can only get easier from there, right?
no, didn't think so.
well, i best start at the beginning. i was raised in an alcoholic home. both of my parents struggled with life in general and my mother struggled with undiagnosed depression and mental illness. i was the eldest of two girls, and at a very early age i realized that i was pretty much on my own.
during my father's 35th birthday party (i was 6) one of my father's friends (or possibly an uncle) stumbled into the bathroom of my home as i was using it and trapped me in there and proceeded to orally rape me. because of shame or secrets (i don't know which or both?) that memory was lost to me until 2 years ago (almost to the day). the only memory i had was my mother finding me curled up and crying under my bed. she dragged me out to the party and told everyone that i was all red-eyed and puffy because they decided to put creme de mint in the ice cream they were making, and i thought i couldn't have any.
as a child i knew more about sex than santa. you see, even though it was a horrible incident it was attention. i was so starved for attention as a child that even something so horrible and damaging left it's mark in my life and began a life long obsession with sex that i have battled my whole entire life.
one day at a time... i have had some victories though. through wonderful therapy and amazing recovery programs i have linked those 'one days' into 1,598 days of abstinence.
closely linked to my sexual addiction is my other battle of food addiction. i will write more about what it was like during the active addiction days (this is what i have been avoiding) but i will say that coming 'off' chocolate and then sugar has been a godsend for me. i have serenity (most days) and nothing tastes as good as that feels.
they (sex and food) are so closely linked for me that i know that if i was to slip in one area the other one would come crashing down with it. that is the constant fear of the addict. i heard a well-seasoned mentor tell me that during sobriety his addiction was doing push-ups. he knew if he slipped that he would be facing a behemoth of addiction or even death.
so, just for today i breathe, i pray, attempt to maintain constant contact with god, keep my lists short and work on my recovery, and replace the lies with the truth. some days it's shaky and precarious, others it seems so natural and calm. it's never easy, but some days it does get easier.