Tuesday, July 12, 2005

living in the tension

today is a hard one, very emotional and raw. this all comes in such waves, it's so hard to predict what it will look like from moment to moment. usually one of us is 'up' while the other is 'down' - today we're both pretty down. i'm exhausted, and liam has to pull it together to be public with this - i don't know how he's doing it.

every conversation mucks all of this up, every interaction is tinged with this - i just want a break. i could isolate myself away on a good day, so this is so tempting to just cut myself off and curl up in bed and pull the covers over my head. if it weren't for pink and buck i know that would be so. being strong for them is one of the hardest things i've done.

next tuesday we head to minneapolis for a family reunion, we're really looking forward to that week away to 'come apart' before we C-O-M-E A-P-A-R-T.

feeling the feelings and facing the fears without giving in to hiding behavior or addiction has been good, but so very hard. talking through the issues instead of pretending it will go away has been constructive and formative, but exhausting. i know god is doing things we can't even imagine in preperation for what's next, but oh how hard it is not to have a peek, not to get a glimpse. waiting for godot...

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