found this in the achieves over at julie's blog - one hand clapping - i remember reading her blog when she mentioned a science fiction/fantasy series (outlander - by diana gabaldon) that i have been meaning to read - and as i'm headed to the library with a need of good summer reading i did a search and found this - whan to play? here's the rules:
* Bold the ones you’ve read.
* Italicize the ones you want to read.
* Leave in normal text the ones that don’t interest you.
* Put in ALL CAPS those you haven’t heard of.
* Put a couple of asterisks by the ones you recommend.
(UPDATE - I liked Julie's/Erik's suggestion of putting (++) next to the ones you've seen the movie or TV show of, so I added that too)
(UPDATE 2 - bold & italicized don't show up in bloglines, so you'll have to click through if you care to see what i've read)
1. The DaVinci Code (Dan Brown)**++
2. Pride and Prejudice (Jane Austen)++
3. To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)++
4. Gone With The Wind (Margaret Mitchell)++
5. The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (Tolkien) **++
6. The Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (Tolkien) **++
7. The Lord of the Rings: Two Towers (Tolkien) **++
8. Anne of Green Gables (L.M. Montgomery)++
9. Outlander (Diana Gabaldon)
10. A FINE BALANCE (Rohinton Mistry)
11. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Rowling)++
12. Angels and Demons (Dan Brown)**
13. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Rowling)** (will be seeing it soon!)
14. A Prayer for Owen Meany (John Irving) - one of my favorite books of all time!
15. Memoirs of a Geisha (Arthur Golden)++
16. Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone(Rowling)**++
17. FALL ON YOUR KNEES (Ann-Marie MacDonald)
18. The Stand (Stephen King)++
19. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rowling)++
20. Jane Eyre (Charlotte Bronte)
21. The Hobbit (Tolkien)**
22. The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)**
23. Little Women (Louisa May Alcott)++
24. THE LOVELY BONES (Alice Sebold)
25. Life of Pi (Yann Martel)** (can't wait to see the movie - hope they do it justice as it's one of my favorites!)
26. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
27. Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
28. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (C. S. Lewis)**++
29. East of Eden (John Steinbeck)
30. Tuesdays with Morrie (Mitch Albom)++
31. Dune (Frank Herbert)
32. The Notebook (Nicholas Sparks)
33. Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
34. 1984 (Orwell)
35. The Mists of Avalon (Marion Zimmer Bradley)
36. THE PILLARS OF THE EARTH (Ken Follett)
37. THE POWER OF ONE (Bryce Courtenay)
38. I Know This Much Is True (Wally Lamb)*****
39. The Red Tent (Anita Diamant)*****
40. The Alchemist (Paulo Coelho)*****
41. The Clan of the Cave Bear (Jean M. Auel)
42. The Kite Runner (Khaled Hosseini)**
43. CONFESSIONS OF A SHOPAHOLIC (Sophie Kinsella)
44. The Five People You Meet In Heaven (Mitch Albom)
45. The Bible **
46. Anna Karenina (Tolstoy)++
47. The Count of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)++
48. Angela’s Ashes (Frank McCourt)
49. The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)**++
50. She's Come Undone (Wally Lamb)***
51. The Poisonwood Bible (Barbara Kingsolver)*** (just finished it - no one should go to africa without reading this!)
52. A Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
53. ENDER'S GAME (Orson Scott Card)
54. Great Expectations (Dickens)
55. The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald)++
56. THE STONE ANGEL (Margaret Laurence)
57. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Rowling)++
58. The Thorn Birds (Colleen McCullough)
59. The Handmaid’s Tale (Margaret Atwood)
60. The Time Traveller’s Wife (Audrey Niffenegger)
61. Crime and Punishment(Fyodor Dostoyevsky)
62. The Fountainhead (Ayn Rand)
63. War and Peace (Tolstoy)
64. Interview With The Vampire (Anne Rice)
65. FIFTH BUSINESS (Robertson Davies)
66. One Hundred Years Of Solitude (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
67. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Ann Brashares)
68. Catch-22 (Joseph Heller)
69. Les Miserables (Victor Hugo)**++
70. The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
71. Bridget Jones's Diary (Helen Fielding)++
72. LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA (Gabriel Garcia Marquez)
73. Shogun (James Clavell)
74. The English Patient (Michael Ondaatje)++
75. The Secret Garden(Frances Hodgson)++
76. THE SUMMER TREE (Guy Gavriel Kay)
77. A Tree Grows In Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
78. The World According to Garp (John Irving)
79. The Diviners (Margaret Laurence)++
80. Charlotte’s Web (E.B. White)++
81. NOT WANTED ON THE VOYAGE (Timothy Findley)
82. Of Mice And Men (Steinbeck)
83. REBECCA (Daphne DuMaurier)
84. WIZARD'S FIRST RULE (Terry Goodkind)
85. Emma (Jane Austen)++
86. Watership Down (Richard Adams)
87. Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
88. THE STONE DIARIES (Carol Shields)
89. BLINDNESS (Jose Saramago)
90. KANE AND ABEL (Jeffrey Archer)
91. IN THE SKIN OF A LION (Michael Ondaatje)
92. Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
93. The Good Earth (Pearl S. Buck)
94. The Secret Life of Bees (Sue Monk Kidd)
95. The Bourne Identity (Robert Ludlum)++
96. The Outsiders (S.E. Hinton)++
97. White Oleander (Janet Fitch)
98. A Woman of Substance (Barbara Taylor Bradford)
99. The Celestine Prophecy (James Redfield)
100. ULYSSES (James Joyce)
anyone read any of these that i've missed? please if you have recommends i'd love to hear them. a couple i'd add that i just finished are 'prodigal summer' by kingsolver and water for elephants (can't remember author) - both are intense, deep stories with rich characters - loved them - and i can't say enough about the poisonwood bible - i would make it mandatory reading for every christian and especially those looking to do mission work. kingsolver always teaches me so much as i read her books - she is a master weaver and storyteller.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
8 random facts meme
i just saw that i got tagged by renee for a random things meme - here are the rules:
rules to play 1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves. 2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. 3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged. my 8 random facts:
1. i love 70/80's rock music and still grieve that i threw away all of my old albums when i was told that jesus didn't.
2. i am a reality tv junkie and very ashamed of it...
3. i love bacon. i can't figure out why it could be a binge food for me, most of those kind of foods have an emotional link and i can't figure out where this one comes from, but i know i can't make it if there isn't a recipe or a lot of people to help me eat it because i think i could eat a whole lb. of it myself (i never have, just can imagine myself doing it and how horrible i'd feel afterward...)
4. i hate small talk. having to do it exhausts me. i want intentional conversations with a purpose because i guess i don't know the rules for casual conversations that other people just seem to know so effortlessly.
5. i have always wanted matching pirate ear piercings with liam (i have no idea what they're really called, but the ring in the top of the ear - he has no interest and i'm too chicken to go and do it myself.
6. i hate the scars i have on my knees. i guess my legs grew too fast as a kid because i have three slash scars on each knee that i always assumed were stretch marks because i was fat - not because i was tall - my bean pole daughter got them this past winter and she doesn't have a stitch of fat on her. i've always been so self conscious of them because one day in the gym locker room in 3rd grade one little girl asked me what they were... they were probably red and bright back then like pink's are now - now mine are just faded white lines, but i hate them all the same. they represent a very low self image and thinking i was fat from a very early age to me.
7. i am slowly learning a larger vocabulary for emotions than i ever had before. giving voice to feelings deeper than happy, sad, mad and glad. i am anal about not allowing anyone to define my feelings with unspecific terms and will sit in silence for a moment to attempt to correctly identify the true emotion i am feeling and give it voice. the daily examen it is helping me with this.
8. i loathe cigars and cigarettes. there are lots of reasons for this that i won't go into here, but smelling them fills me with deep emotions and even some times rage.
i tag:
1. trudging
2. lisa
3. elizabeth
4. erin
5. candy
6. deb
7. martha
8. tammy jo
rules to play 1. players start with 8 random facts about themselves. 2. those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts. 3. players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged. my 8 random facts:
1. i love 70/80's rock music and still grieve that i threw away all of my old albums when i was told that jesus didn't.
2. i am a reality tv junkie and very ashamed of it...
3. i love bacon. i can't figure out why it could be a binge food for me, most of those kind of foods have an emotional link and i can't figure out where this one comes from, but i know i can't make it if there isn't a recipe or a lot of people to help me eat it because i think i could eat a whole lb. of it myself (i never have, just can imagine myself doing it and how horrible i'd feel afterward...)
4. i hate small talk. having to do it exhausts me. i want intentional conversations with a purpose because i guess i don't know the rules for casual conversations that other people just seem to know so effortlessly.
5. i have always wanted matching pirate ear piercings with liam (i have no idea what they're really called, but the ring in the top of the ear - he has no interest and i'm too chicken to go and do it myself.
6. i hate the scars i have on my knees. i guess my legs grew too fast as a kid because i have three slash scars on each knee that i always assumed were stretch marks because i was fat - not because i was tall - my bean pole daughter got them this past winter and she doesn't have a stitch of fat on her. i've always been so self conscious of them because one day in the gym locker room in 3rd grade one little girl asked me what they were... they were probably red and bright back then like pink's are now - now mine are just faded white lines, but i hate them all the same. they represent a very low self image and thinking i was fat from a very early age to me.
7. i am slowly learning a larger vocabulary for emotions than i ever had before. giving voice to feelings deeper than happy, sad, mad and glad. i am anal about not allowing anyone to define my feelings with unspecific terms and will sit in silence for a moment to attempt to correctly identify the true emotion i am feeling and give it voice. the daily examen it is helping me with this.
8. i loathe cigars and cigarettes. there are lots of reasons for this that i won't go into here, but smelling them fills me with deep emotions and even some times rage.
i tag:
1. trudging
2. lisa
3. elizabeth
4. erin
5. candy
6. deb
7. martha
8. tammy jo
home
sleeping in my own bed - what a wonderful thing! liam and i spent the past two weeks (minus a couple of nights in a hotel and one night for me in a glorious home with my blogger gals) on a double air mattress. it actually worked out better than i dreaded it might. we had a great two weeks and i chronicled some of the highlights (and vehicle low lights) on my other blog if you care to read them there.
we are safe, relaxed but exhausted and home. brilliantly i signed pink and buck up for "entrepreneurship camp" before we left - so i have a full week of 9-4 alone! yippee! it is a good time of re-entry for them too as they loved camp and were sad to leave the friends and the fun they had there. this will be different by a long shot - but still enough activity to keep them from whinging all week. and it only cost $75/each!! god bless them!
i'm not sure about re-entry into life here as i napped most of today. i do the driving so that liam can get back to work without being as exhausted as i am, that and i am a control freak, so it's better for everyone if i drive... sigh... yes, i'll be honest here.
the house wasn't super clean before we left, neat, but not clean - so i've got loads of work to do this week to get things back in shape - plus all of the grubby dirty things we brought home from camp.... at least it's supposed to be a cooler week so that the flat won't be horrid to work in.
liam came back to a primed office space (surprise) and it was very encouraging to have his peeps (i never know what to call the people he works with) have taken initiative to encourage him.
i have far too many blog posts in my bloglines to truly catch up (and this is a thinned out blog roll - i unsubscribed from over 50 blogs before i left to make my reading more manageable... it's just when you see 25 blog posts in 2 weeks you begin to wonder what it is that anyone has the time to write about in the small space of 15 days...
i totally enjoyed life away from computer and tv - it's a wide world and i want to spend more time in it and less time with my face in front of a screen. i know the best laid plans of rodents and women will probably find me settling back into my bad habits and cheering for reality tv again soon - but i am really wanting different.
i found the most dramatic moments for me was seeing and reconnecting with my sister and liam's sister and seeing myself in them at the stages of life they are in and being so happy to not be there any more and to see the amount recovery i have behind me. i tend to forget where i have come from, and seeing them and talking with them reminded me how very far i have come. it was with great sadness that i saw the chaos and results of choices in their eyes, and that there never were the questions that asked about how to get out, move on or find some hope of recovery. maybe soon. i don't mean any of this to sound arrogant like i have arrived or figured it all out. i so haven't. but i have seen in living color in these past two weeks my past and the chaos of having little kids and the struggle to comfort one's self with food. i had been so hard on myself and my recovery before we had left, feeling like i hadn't had much to speak of - but seeing again where i had come from - and knowing with everything in me that i DON'T WANT TO GO BACK has been a great revelation that i am really grateful for.
the highlight of the trip for me was this sunday when we got to worship in the old, round wooden temple in ocean park, maine, and hear tony campolo preach again. it was so great to know my kids got to hear him too. buck loved him and asked if he was a comedian too. to his 9 year old mind that was a high compliment! on the way out he saw my kids, asked if they were mine and kissed and hugged them - it was so beautiful. i told my kids that they might not understand who he is today, but one day they will understand that this was a man who advised presidents and challenged the church to justice and mercy. i just love him so.
hope you all had a couple of wonderful weeks, thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. i know it made us facing the hurdles we faced with better attitudes and more optimism than we would have had without them! can't wait to catch up on your blogs.
we are safe, relaxed but exhausted and home. brilliantly i signed pink and buck up for "entrepreneurship camp" before we left - so i have a full week of 9-4 alone! yippee! it is a good time of re-entry for them too as they loved camp and were sad to leave the friends and the fun they had there. this will be different by a long shot - but still enough activity to keep them from whinging all week. and it only cost $75/each!! god bless them!
i'm not sure about re-entry into life here as i napped most of today. i do the driving so that liam can get back to work without being as exhausted as i am, that and i am a control freak, so it's better for everyone if i drive... sigh... yes, i'll be honest here.
the house wasn't super clean before we left, neat, but not clean - so i've got loads of work to do this week to get things back in shape - plus all of the grubby dirty things we brought home from camp.... at least it's supposed to be a cooler week so that the flat won't be horrid to work in.
liam came back to a primed office space (surprise) and it was very encouraging to have his peeps (i never know what to call the people he works with) have taken initiative to encourage him.
i have far too many blog posts in my bloglines to truly catch up (and this is a thinned out blog roll - i unsubscribed from over 50 blogs before i left to make my reading more manageable... it's just when you see 25 blog posts in 2 weeks you begin to wonder what it is that anyone has the time to write about in the small space of 15 days...
i totally enjoyed life away from computer and tv - it's a wide world and i want to spend more time in it and less time with my face in front of a screen. i know the best laid plans of rodents and women will probably find me settling back into my bad habits and cheering for reality tv again soon - but i am really wanting different.
i found the most dramatic moments for me was seeing and reconnecting with my sister and liam's sister and seeing myself in them at the stages of life they are in and being so happy to not be there any more and to see the amount recovery i have behind me. i tend to forget where i have come from, and seeing them and talking with them reminded me how very far i have come. it was with great sadness that i saw the chaos and results of choices in their eyes, and that there never were the questions that asked about how to get out, move on or find some hope of recovery. maybe soon. i don't mean any of this to sound arrogant like i have arrived or figured it all out. i so haven't. but i have seen in living color in these past two weeks my past and the chaos of having little kids and the struggle to comfort one's self with food. i had been so hard on myself and my recovery before we had left, feeling like i hadn't had much to speak of - but seeing again where i had come from - and knowing with everything in me that i DON'T WANT TO GO BACK has been a great revelation that i am really grateful for.
the highlight of the trip for me was this sunday when we got to worship in the old, round wooden temple in ocean park, maine, and hear tony campolo preach again. it was so great to know my kids got to hear him too. buck loved him and asked if he was a comedian too. to his 9 year old mind that was a high compliment! on the way out he saw my kids, asked if they were mine and kissed and hugged them - it was so beautiful. i told my kids that they might not understand who he is today, but one day they will understand that this was a man who advised presidents and challenged the church to justice and mercy. i just love him so.
hope you all had a couple of wonderful weeks, thank you again for your prayers and encouragement. i know it made us facing the hurdles we faced with better attitudes and more optimism than we would have had without them! can't wait to catch up on your blogs.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
adventures with volvo
time for the next installment of "adventures with volvo" - it is fixed, running beautifully and only cost us $146.00 - and the mechanic fixed tons of stuff that we had no idea was even not working. he was incredible! we brought baked goods to express our deep gratitude at his speediness and his thoroughness.
and the best news is that the transmission is fabulous. he removed the pan and it is clean and healthy! so many long years of driving may continue!! it was actually a cable that got stretched and kept telling the engine we were passing in the high gears. he fixed it well enough to get us far past home. we are so relieved.
i told liam that he could have charged us six times as much and i would have still been happy and relieved!
we're having a great time with family and i'm so enjoying some quality time with my niece. she's finally starting to warm up to us and is such a sweet gem.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragment! it's been wonderful to know that we've got friends globe-wide praying for us! much love!
and the best news is that the transmission is fabulous. he removed the pan and it is clean and healthy! so many long years of driving may continue!! it was actually a cable that got stretched and kept telling the engine we were passing in the high gears. he fixed it well enough to get us far past home. we are so relieved.
i told liam that he could have charged us six times as much and i would have still been happy and relieved!
we're having a great time with family and i'm so enjoying some quality time with my niece. she's finally starting to warm up to us and is such a sweet gem.
thanks so much for your prayers and encouragment! it's been wonderful to know that we've got friends globe-wide praying for us! much love!
Monday, July 09, 2007
safe & sound - part iii
hi all - thanks for your prayers and encouragement - we are safe and enjoying camp. the car went in today to a great transmission guy my brother in law has used - so hopefully we can afford him. we joked and told him he was so good that people were coming from canada to get work done. hopefully it can be road worthy by the weekend.
pink and buck are having a great time at camp and can hardly stop to acknowledge us and we love to see them running and playing and enjoying every minute.
liam and i on the other hand have a private camp lot right on the lake and we are just loving our secluded escape and time together.
thanks again for all of your prayers and support!
pink and buck are having a great time at camp and can hardly stop to acknowledge us and we love to see them running and playing and enjoying every minute.
liam and i on the other hand have a private camp lot right on the lake and we are just loving our secluded escape and time together.
thanks again for all of your prayers and support!
Friday, July 06, 2007
safe & sound - part ii
hi all, what a trip! we had a flat 15 minutes into the trip in maine, a rad leak we've had to babysit the whole trip and about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house it started making horrible noises. we feared the worst (transmission) and were gladly grateful for the $410 bill to fix the u joints. the volvo is back and running and we have just spent the night in tourist-ville where my kids have so enjoyed being kids (and not having their clingy cousins attached to their hips!) it was like having talking/whining shadows for days!
i had an amazing time with deb, erin & lynne in luxurious comfort on thursday night and it is so truly wonderful to be with kindred souls. i am honored to be friends and loved by these wonderful women. wish you were there! we have begun talk of a 2nd path in my east coast community so if you are interested please let us know as we're trying to figure out the best time to get together and how many we need to make room for.
we head for pennsylvania today - get to see my dad, sister (ugh, her husband... pray for me) and my niece who i have NEVER had quality time with yet.
we've got to hit the water park again this a.m. before we leave - love and hugs to you all!
i had an amazing time with deb, erin & lynne in luxurious comfort on thursday night and it is so truly wonderful to be with kindred souls. i am honored to be friends and loved by these wonderful women. wish you were there! we have begun talk of a 2nd path in my east coast community so if you are interested please let us know as we're trying to figure out the best time to get together and how many we need to make room for.
we head for pennsylvania today - get to see my dad, sister (ugh, her husband... pray for me) and my niece who i have NEVER had quality time with yet.
we've got to hit the water park again this a.m. before we leave - love and hugs to you all!
Monday, July 02, 2007
safe and sound
we are safe and sound in ontario. i'm on my in-laws computer and we've just had 24 hours here. i am calm and serene and so at peace. my hubby on the other hand is just a bit stressed out. see about 15 minutes into maine we got a flat tire. we obviously hit something in the road because not 2 miles down from where we (liam) changed the tire there was a van doing the same thing...
we got to bangor and had lunch and hit the ll bean outlet hoping to grab a laptop case and saw that the radiator was leaking fluid... sigh... not as fixed as we had hoped. the guy at the auto parts store talked us both down and gave us good advice (which we said we would heed either way - whether to head home and get the rad replaced or if he thought we could make it. he gave us stuff told us how to babysit it and headed back out on the road.
we had an awesome time on the drive and overnight at the holiday inn express in vermont. got back on the road the next day and had more of the same. just a wonderful relaxing time together. about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house the volvo started making a grinding noise and then the center of the car started to feel really wrong and each time we stopped at a stop sign starting moving again was clearly not what "vanna" (what we called her after about the 100th time i said "go put this in the van" - so we ended up calling her vanna) wanted to do. as we pulled up their driveway i said 'well, i hope they don't mind her here because i don't think she'll ever move on her own accord again.'
i think we dropped the transmission... sigh. today being canada day means everything is closed down - so tomorrow she will be towed (god bless inlaws with auto club memberships) to the trustworthy mechanic to see if she's worth fixing.
god please let her be worth fixing. car payments aren't something we really want to think about. and we still have MILES to go before this trip is over. we know when you drive a 20 year old vehicle that things like this happen. i am just amazed that she got us all the way here. it was clear to me that spiritually we were supposed to be here. i have no doubt about it. how we get from here i have no clue. but i honestly i really don't have stress or fear about how it's all going to work itself out.
i can feel the prayers being prayed for us - thank you. we would be so grateful if they would continue. i'd really love liam to have the peace that i have been given. that would be a wonderful thing. either way the time with his family is going so well and we are just really enjoying the time together.
i'll keep you posted as i am able - take care!!
we got to bangor and had lunch and hit the ll bean outlet hoping to grab a laptop case and saw that the radiator was leaking fluid... sigh... not as fixed as we had hoped. the guy at the auto parts store talked us both down and gave us good advice (which we said we would heed either way - whether to head home and get the rad replaced or if he thought we could make it. he gave us stuff told us how to babysit it and headed back out on the road.
we had an awesome time on the drive and overnight at the holiday inn express in vermont. got back on the road the next day and had more of the same. just a wonderful relaxing time together. about 3 blocks from liam's mom's house the volvo started making a grinding noise and then the center of the car started to feel really wrong and each time we stopped at a stop sign starting moving again was clearly not what "vanna" (what we called her after about the 100th time i said "go put this in the van" - so we ended up calling her vanna) wanted to do. as we pulled up their driveway i said 'well, i hope they don't mind her here because i don't think she'll ever move on her own accord again.'
i think we dropped the transmission... sigh. today being canada day means everything is closed down - so tomorrow she will be towed (god bless inlaws with auto club memberships) to the trustworthy mechanic to see if she's worth fixing.
god please let her be worth fixing. car payments aren't something we really want to think about. and we still have MILES to go before this trip is over. we know when you drive a 20 year old vehicle that things like this happen. i am just amazed that she got us all the way here. it was clear to me that spiritually we were supposed to be here. i have no doubt about it. how we get from here i have no clue. but i honestly i really don't have stress or fear about how it's all going to work itself out.
i can feel the prayers being prayed for us - thank you. we would be so grateful if they would continue. i'd really love liam to have the peace that i have been given. that would be a wonderful thing. either way the time with his family is going so well and we are just really enjoying the time together.
i'll keep you posted as i am able - take care!!
Friday, June 29, 2007
slumber par-tay!
i am finally so excited to go on this holiday. we could have never planned it in advance, but while i'll be in the golden horseshoe next week a blog-her slumber party has been created! yippee! i can hardly believe it!
erin, deb, connie & mike todd's sister lynne and i are all going to be luxuriating in the lovely niagara falls, ny for an evening together. i can't wipe the smile off my face!
now the only real hurdle to cross is the car. we took it in about a month ago right after we got our tax return and said "we need to take a huge road trip - and we have some $ - please go over it with a fine toothed comb and fix any and everything so that we know if we can afford to still go on vacation. they gave it the thumbs up and fixed only a couple minor things.
we took it to the store that shall not be named to get an oil change and the guy told us there were 3 things leaking (it is a 20 year old volvo station wagon) - yikes. was it someone trying to "sell us something" or was it a finer tooth comb?
we had ordered a rad hose that needed to be replaced and had picked it up in the states when we had the oil change done - the phone call came yesterday while they were replacing the hose (we told them to check the stuff the oil change guy said needed looked at) and it turned out that it wasn't just a rad hose, but a whole rad that needed changed and some other things. i'm so glad they caught it, and that it's not outrageously expensive (is there anything better than a mechanic you can trust?) so now we wait to hear if the parts get in today and if they can get it done in time.
they didn't think it would be a problem - but hey, they didn't catch it the first time either... sigh. every time i awoke last night i had thoughts of being broken down in the green mountains of vermont with a car that some rip off mechanic thinks "is not worth fixing"...
so needless to say the excitement of the slumber party is getting me through all of this - and my kids have now started to get in on the excitement of the trip and stopped picking at each other (and me) and are cooperating like they normally do.
i don't know the kind of access we'll have to the internet on the trip. we're bringing the laptop (hoping to get a chance to really write the children's book we've noodled during the week the kids are at camp). i'll post as often as i am able - please have a great couple of weeks! oh, and could you water the plants if you stop by! :)
UPDATE: "all" of the parts made it in this morning, but one of the parts wasn't "all there"... some flange for the radiator was missing and things looked like they wouldn't be sorted out until tuesday (as monday is a holiday here in canada) - but after i pushed them to source it over the river in the states they miraculously found a "whole" one at the same place that originally short shipped it and it's SUPPOSED to arrive here by 4:00... please pray it makes it and that the volvo is roadworthy. i told liam it was probably best that it didn't cause this much stress a month ago when we had it in because we might have canceled the trip all together... and for lots of reasons it's important we go. thanks for praying!
UPDATE 2: crap 4 crap. the second shipped radiator was also missing the SAME PART. so while they were waiting they repaired the old rad and are re-attaching that. can you say AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! so now i get to watch the gauge the whole trip... sigh. oh well - at least it will be done today. sometimes living simply and on the edge has it trials...
UPDATE 3: okay, they patched/welded the old radiator and tested it and it's doing just fine. we leave tomorrow a.m. as planned. sleeping in vermont tomorrow night and celebrating canada day back in canada. have a lovely long weekend, eh!
erin, deb, connie & mike todd's sister lynne and i are all going to be luxuriating in the lovely niagara falls, ny for an evening together. i can't wipe the smile off my face!
now the only real hurdle to cross is the car. we took it in about a month ago right after we got our tax return and said "we need to take a huge road trip - and we have some $ - please go over it with a fine toothed comb and fix any and everything so that we know if we can afford to still go on vacation. they gave it the thumbs up and fixed only a couple minor things.
we took it to the store that shall not be named to get an oil change and the guy told us there were 3 things leaking (it is a 20 year old volvo station wagon) - yikes. was it someone trying to "sell us something" or was it a finer tooth comb?
we had ordered a rad hose that needed to be replaced and had picked it up in the states when we had the oil change done - the phone call came yesterday while they were replacing the hose (we told them to check the stuff the oil change guy said needed looked at) and it turned out that it wasn't just a rad hose, but a whole rad that needed changed and some other things. i'm so glad they caught it, and that it's not outrageously expensive (is there anything better than a mechanic you can trust?) so now we wait to hear if the parts get in today and if they can get it done in time.
they didn't think it would be a problem - but hey, they didn't catch it the first time either... sigh. every time i awoke last night i had thoughts of being broken down in the green mountains of vermont with a car that some rip off mechanic thinks "is not worth fixing"...
so needless to say the excitement of the slumber party is getting me through all of this - and my kids have now started to get in on the excitement of the trip and stopped picking at each other (and me) and are cooperating like they normally do.
i don't know the kind of access we'll have to the internet on the trip. we're bringing the laptop (hoping to get a chance to really write the children's book we've noodled during the week the kids are at camp). i'll post as often as i am able - please have a great couple of weeks! oh, and could you water the plants if you stop by! :)
UPDATE: "all" of the parts made it in this morning, but one of the parts wasn't "all there"... some flange for the radiator was missing and things looked like they wouldn't be sorted out until tuesday (as monday is a holiday here in canada) - but after i pushed them to source it over the river in the states they miraculously found a "whole" one at the same place that originally short shipped it and it's SUPPOSED to arrive here by 4:00... please pray it makes it and that the volvo is roadworthy. i told liam it was probably best that it didn't cause this much stress a month ago when we had it in because we might have canceled the trip all together... and for lots of reasons it's important we go. thanks for praying!
UPDATE 2: crap 4 crap. the second shipped radiator was also missing the SAME PART. so while they were waiting they repaired the old rad and are re-attaching that. can you say AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! so now i get to watch the gauge the whole trip... sigh. oh well - at least it will be done today. sometimes living simply and on the edge has it trials...
UPDATE 3: okay, they patched/welded the old radiator and tested it and it's doing just fine. we leave tomorrow a.m. as planned. sleeping in vermont tomorrow night and celebrating canada day back in canada. have a lovely long weekend, eh!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
how could a day that started out so badly end so beautifully?
what a day. highest highs and lowest lows. it was a day of extremes. but it ended with a walk filled with lightning bugs and lightning, a peaceful heart and a knowledge of the holy.
i don't know if i would have experienced the highs so deeply without the lows of the day. all i do know is that yesterday was a gift. and it was wrapped in a van gogh starry night by the end.
i don't know if i would have experienced the highs so deeply without the lows of the day. all i do know is that yesterday was a gift. and it was wrapped in a van gogh starry night by the end.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
perfectly anxious
i have so much to do and no brain to do it. i'm trying to make reservations, coordinate schedules, write "to do" lists and survive the "momcani" moments of my two kids being home for the summer. earlier this week we had lovely 70 degree weather - yesterday and today look to be in the 90's - as if i needed another reason to sit in front of a fan reading... sigh.
the worst part of being the grown up is that there is no one to come along to pick up the slack and broken pieces you leave behind... i know i'm forgetting things and leaving things far too long before they are done - but dang it's hot, i'm ovulating and i need a vacation from my vacation! this story today says it perfectly:
perfectly anxious
missing a perfectly good day
because she's sure
that she should be
anxious about something
storypeople
oh, and if anyone tells me "to be anxious about nothing" i will snap. obviously they have never tried to occupy two kids in an apartment for the summer while all of their friends mothers were smart enough to put their friends into soccer/swimming lessons/camp. i know it's only 3 more days before we leave and only 10 days before my own are in camp - but dang these two are not as easy to distract, entertain and engage as they used to be... help!
the worst part of being the grown up is that there is no one to come along to pick up the slack and broken pieces you leave behind... i know i'm forgetting things and leaving things far too long before they are done - but dang it's hot, i'm ovulating and i need a vacation from my vacation! this story today says it perfectly:
perfectly anxious
missing a perfectly good day
because she's sure
that she should be
anxious about something
storypeople
oh, and if anyone tells me "to be anxious about nothing" i will snap. obviously they have never tried to occupy two kids in an apartment for the summer while all of their friends mothers were smart enough to put their friends into soccer/swimming lessons/camp. i know it's only 3 more days before we leave and only 10 days before my own are in camp - but dang these two are not as easy to distract, entertain and engage as they used to be... help!
Monday, June 25, 2007
you really want to take an internet break?
oh the stats, they pull me in... since i've stopped blogging so much my stats have plummeted. google must have a "must publish" rule for directing people to your blog. my stats have dropped by 100 - and the "publish or perish" temptation pulls me in. why does it matter to me? why do i care that people i don't know find my blog? why do i care that my "numbers" increase? that they don't decrease? this is revealing something about me that i don't really like to admit.
with a vacation on the horizon i just keep telling myself that will keep me from blogging too - so let it go - but i am so tempted to post links, you tube videos and drivel just to keep my stats up (that's why people do that in case you didn't know)...
sigh. i guess deep down in my heart i want to be noticed. but trading my serenity for strangers reading my blog, even for really good reasons isn't worth it. so i will refrain from the temptation to post drivel and obsess about my blog (just for today!)
with a vacation on the horizon i just keep telling myself that will keep me from blogging too - so let it go - but i am so tempted to post links, you tube videos and drivel just to keep my stats up (that's why people do that in case you didn't know)...
sigh. i guess deep down in my heart i want to be noticed. but trading my serenity for strangers reading my blog, even for really good reasons isn't worth it. so i will refrain from the temptation to post drivel and obsess about my blog (just for today!)
Friday, June 22, 2007
school's out
well, it's official - summer has begun. pink and buck had 1/2 a day today and brought home great report cards. we've never been high pressure on the scholastic end of things - just want them to do their best and improve, and they both did and got such nice compliments from their teachers. well rounded kids.
pink is in the middle of 'nobody likes me, everybody hates me' - so i guess that means she's ready for middle school, eh? buck has effortless friendships and lots of boys from church in our neighborhood. so far he hasn't hit any snags, so it almost makes it even harder for pink. they include her, but i know she loves frills and girly stuff - so she really misses a friend to do stuff with.
my mom used to stuff me with tons of food at this stage in my life. it helped us bond and we both felt too anesthetized to be sad anymore... it's so tempting to want to distract her with food, spending, shopping or activity instead of sitting with her in the middle of her tears. it seems counter-intuitive to allow her to feel negative feelings. it's almost like we've been programmed to insulate our kids from any of that. i just really wish that it didn't have to be like this - but know that medicating away the pain is what got me where i am. god help me to not be so uncomfortable with her pain that i feel the need to anesthetize us both.
we've only got a week of this before we head out for a two week holiday. we decided that linking both weeks of our family visits together saved us over 8 hours of driving/gas/wear and tear on the "sherman tank". wear and tear on us is going to be a different story. one week in ontario and then a week in pennsylvania (the opposite side to where we lived - scranton area).
the only thing motivating me to ontario is the possibility of seeing erin and connie - erin is a sure thing, connie i've yet to coordinate. staying a week at liam's sister's house is just not my idea of "vacation" - but anything shorter won't allow us to see family and friends. we're taking a day in the middle of that week and heading to the niagara great wolf lodge - so that should be a highlight of the trip. we attended a family reunion at the kalahari in the wisconsin dells a couple of years ago and it was so much fun, the kids still talk about it.
the week after we are headed to the camp my sister and her husband just started working at and the kids will be campers that week. i don't know how far we'll be from deb & jeff - but if liam and i can swing a supper visit i'm going to try.
so life is in full flux, i don't do well in these stages and i've been feeling pretty fragile lately. i'm finally starting to feel the excitement of the trip though and not just the overwhelming amount of work! :) hope your weekend looks bright and shiny!
pink is in the middle of 'nobody likes me, everybody hates me' - so i guess that means she's ready for middle school, eh? buck has effortless friendships and lots of boys from church in our neighborhood. so far he hasn't hit any snags, so it almost makes it even harder for pink. they include her, but i know she loves frills and girly stuff - so she really misses a friend to do stuff with.
my mom used to stuff me with tons of food at this stage in my life. it helped us bond and we both felt too anesthetized to be sad anymore... it's so tempting to want to distract her with food, spending, shopping or activity instead of sitting with her in the middle of her tears. it seems counter-intuitive to allow her to feel negative feelings. it's almost like we've been programmed to insulate our kids from any of that. i just really wish that it didn't have to be like this - but know that medicating away the pain is what got me where i am. god help me to not be so uncomfortable with her pain that i feel the need to anesthetize us both.
we've only got a week of this before we head out for a two week holiday. we decided that linking both weeks of our family visits together saved us over 8 hours of driving/gas/wear and tear on the "sherman tank". wear and tear on us is going to be a different story. one week in ontario and then a week in pennsylvania (the opposite side to where we lived - scranton area).
the only thing motivating me to ontario is the possibility of seeing erin and connie - erin is a sure thing, connie i've yet to coordinate. staying a week at liam's sister's house is just not my idea of "vacation" - but anything shorter won't allow us to see family and friends. we're taking a day in the middle of that week and heading to the niagara great wolf lodge - so that should be a highlight of the trip. we attended a family reunion at the kalahari in the wisconsin dells a couple of years ago and it was so much fun, the kids still talk about it.
the week after we are headed to the camp my sister and her husband just started working at and the kids will be campers that week. i don't know how far we'll be from deb & jeff - but if liam and i can swing a supper visit i'm going to try.
so life is in full flux, i don't do well in these stages and i've been feeling pretty fragile lately. i'm finally starting to feel the excitement of the trip though and not just the overwhelming amount of work! :) hope your weekend looks bright and shiny!
Monday, June 18, 2007
one last week of freedom...
canadians tend to go longer into the summer with their school schedules than i ever remember in the states. my two kids have one last week of school left and i sit this morning realizing that i have one last week of daytime "freedom" left too. far too much is planned for this week to take me away from that freedom time, but i haven't been using it as well as i'd like anyway. maybe the new summer routine will bring about some much needed change.
pink "graduates" from elementary school tomorrow (still has to complete the week of school though) in a lovely ceremony at the high school. she is so excited and had the tour of the middle school last week. big changes on the horizon for her. i'm taking her out for a fancy lunch after the program tomorrow. i can't wait to celebrate with her.
i am glad to be past this weekend as one of my more involved projects is now past. and it was far more draining than i had hoped it would be. i realized in the couple of days before that i am still leary and weary of church programs and still don't trust that people in authority have my best interests at heart. i still feel as if they will be pulling the rug out from under me. it's been a good learning process and i have stood up for myself a couple of times, which i haven't really ever done before. it's nice when your husband isn't actually employed at the church so you can do that...
i am developing a new friendship that is exciting and looks very promising. it seems strange to be so hopeful that we both bring each other a lot of joy and much needed friendship. i find myself afraid to hope though, preparing myself for getting hurt somehow. i don't want to be that way.
the wounds of the past are still playing into my present. i don't really want that to be true - but i am owning them and processing them instead of pretending they don't exist.
blogging this a.m. because i know i won't be around a computer much today. hope your week looks hopeful and full of joy!
pink "graduates" from elementary school tomorrow (still has to complete the week of school though) in a lovely ceremony at the high school. she is so excited and had the tour of the middle school last week. big changes on the horizon for her. i'm taking her out for a fancy lunch after the program tomorrow. i can't wait to celebrate with her.
i am glad to be past this weekend as one of my more involved projects is now past. and it was far more draining than i had hoped it would be. i realized in the couple of days before that i am still leary and weary of church programs and still don't trust that people in authority have my best interests at heart. i still feel as if they will be pulling the rug out from under me. it's been a good learning process and i have stood up for myself a couple of times, which i haven't really ever done before. it's nice when your husband isn't actually employed at the church so you can do that...
i am developing a new friendship that is exciting and looks very promising. it seems strange to be so hopeful that we both bring each other a lot of joy and much needed friendship. i find myself afraid to hope though, preparing myself for getting hurt somehow. i don't want to be that way.
the wounds of the past are still playing into my present. i don't really want that to be true - but i am owning them and processing them instead of pretending they don't exist.
blogging this a.m. because i know i won't be around a computer much today. hope your week looks hopeful and full of joy!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
lost in space
as i opened my eyes this morning i said a prayer "god somehow i've lost the thread, i don't like it and i don't even know how to find it again. i can't figure out what has happened." i had the answer before i even knew it. internet.
i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.
i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.
but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.
blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.
i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...
i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.
i've known it and been in denial since before lent, but somehow today i was ready for the information. i have become addicted to the internet. this lovely tool that i use so well for so many wonderful things also steals and destroys and robs me of my clarity and sanity, and most precious of all, my serenity.
i know somehow there will be a fast. i fasted this morning so that i could get my proverbial shit together. i actually journaled - in my moleskine - which is saved for only very precious thoughts somehow. i faced aching, cramping hand to fight through for the thoughts that would help me frame this upcoming internet fast. i'm not quitting blogging. as i journaled this morning i realized that the beauty of blogging means that thoughts aren't lost in some random journal post - they are searchable and retrievable, and with this aging mind of mine that is truly important.
but i will be changing the way i am doing things. i think i will be using a word processor for my thoughts and any of them that are blog worthy will be posted here or on my other blog (email me if you don't have it and want it). i also realized that mornings are precious. it's when the real clarity is present and i can face the day organized instead of scattered.
blogging is truly one of the most disciplined things i do online - and i'm not even talking about any sexual addiction on the internet (i have 7 1/2 years of abstinence today!) - just random, time wasting internet. i am like a lamb with my nose in the sweet, sweet grass, grazing and wandering from place to place, never really looking at where i'm going, just following my nose - and shazam, a whole day is lost, i am confused, scattered and so ashamed that i have lost another day.
i am so grateful for the peeling back of the denial today and the serenity and clarity that came with the admission. i am an internet addict. oh they are just like trading cards, set one down, pick up another one... use the internet to avoid eating, use eating to avoid sexual addiction, and so on, and so on, and so on...
i love you all and love blogging here - but i need my life and my serenity back and i know that i need to clean the webs from my wide world to do it. i'm just too tired of being lost in space.
Friday, June 08, 2007
off to be tourists
our family is heading north to one of the larger cities in our province to be tourists. we are replacing the "school trip" my daughter's class was taking (6 days to a major city in 5th grade with only 4 chaperones - none of which are mothers of said 5th graders... nope, sorry, can't go... it was really the fact that 4 5th grade girls would be in a hotel room alone without anyone to empower them not to watch any little thing on television they chose to or 100 other things a mother thinks of that could happen. 5th grade alone is hard enough, let alone being far away if someone was cruel or one gets ditched at the mall, etc.)
so we're doing our own class trip of sorts. a friend is letting us use their home while they aren't there and it will allow us to be able to spend our $$ being tourists.
we'll take lots of pictures as some of the sites we will see (one in particular) is truly breathtaking. the weather also seems as if it will be cooperating.
have a wonderful weekend, back monday evening.
so we're doing our own class trip of sorts. a friend is letting us use their home while they aren't there and it will allow us to be able to spend our $$ being tourists.
we'll take lots of pictures as some of the sites we will see (one in particular) is truly breathtaking. the weather also seems as if it will be cooperating.
have a wonderful weekend, back monday evening.
take vitamin d to cut cancer risk
heard on the cbc last night and found the article to link to here:
Boost vitamin D supplements: Canadian Cancer Society
"We're recommending 1,000 IUs daily because the current evidence suggests this amount will help reduce cancer risk with the least potential for harm," said Heather Logan, the society's director of cancer control policy.
"More research is needed to clearly define the amount of Vitamin D that will maximize health benefits."
As more evidence on vitamin D becomes available, the society plans to update its recommendations.
Also Friday, a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed a 60- to 77-per-cent drop in cancer rates among postmenopausal women who took vitamin D combined with calcium, compared with a placebo.
Boost vitamin D supplements: Canadian Cancer Society
"We're recommending 1,000 IUs daily because the current evidence suggests this amount will help reduce cancer risk with the least potential for harm," said Heather Logan, the society's director of cancer control policy.
"More research is needed to clearly define the amount of Vitamin D that will maximize health benefits."
As more evidence on vitamin D becomes available, the society plans to update its recommendations.
Also Friday, a study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition showed a 60- to 77-per-cent drop in cancer rates among postmenopausal women who took vitamin D combined with calcium, compared with a placebo.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
A Better Storyteller
Just too many good links today not to post them - LOVE Donald Miller!
A Better Storyteller | Christianity Today
A Better Storyteller | Christianity Today
Hunger Awareness Day
helping with our local food drive tonight - please be generous in your communities - summer is the hardest time for the foodbanks to receive food.
Hunger Awareness Day
Hunger Awareness Day
Monday, June 04, 2007
just what i needed
yesterday was just what i needed. kind of like pushing a 're-set' button on my psyche. i know i have a lot of time in the week to have done what i did, but somehow i don't take it. yesterday a.m. my worship was orchestrated by god. it was incredible how tied together everything was.
i began here (i didn't know it at the time, i thought i was just reading erin's blog) and those three short videos reminded me (again) that yes, i am on the right track. god is with the poor even though the church doesn't seem to be. (please take time to watch them - the idea of jesus being a shadowman is vital).
i then sat at my family altar and lit the candles and spent time in solitude and silence. quieting my soul is hard for me. my brain runs a mile a minute and i don't immediately see the benefits of silent time until later in my day, but just breathing and being still prepared me for what was next.
earlier that morning i had began to fill a scavenged book shelf with all of my most favorite books. i was pulling them from piles and other shelves and came across a story book i hadn't seen before. i don't know where we got it and it was placed in a strange place, sticking out of some non-fiction as if the holy spirit said "here, this one". it is called "the sleeping bread". it was my scriptures for the morning. here's what one reviewer said of the story:
i went from there to some time with a book i had been avoiding, the cup of life - i realized upon opening it why i had been avoiding it... this chapter was on suffering. this meditation was on sitting with our empty cup and the consequences of the life decisions we had made, both the joy and the suffering. i realized that living my life as openly as possible has meant that i make people uncomfortable. it is a choice and it has consequences. i really want it no other way. would i love for more people to join into this life choice, most definitely, but until then sitting with the pain of the loneliness was important and i felt such comfort in knowing that being in the margins and shadows was a place that jesus dwelt.
so all in all, and in many ways i can't articulate here, my choice yesterday was important and i'm so glad i honored that nudge to "be" and let god minister to me. it was the right thing do to. thank you for your encouragement, it means so much to me!
i began here (i didn't know it at the time, i thought i was just reading erin's blog) and those three short videos reminded me (again) that yes, i am on the right track. god is with the poor even though the church doesn't seem to be. (please take time to watch them - the idea of jesus being a shadowman is vital).
i then sat at my family altar and lit the candles and spent time in solitude and silence. quieting my soul is hard for me. my brain runs a mile a minute and i don't immediately see the benefits of silent time until later in my day, but just breathing and being still prepared me for what was next.
earlier that morning i had began to fill a scavenged book shelf with all of my most favorite books. i was pulling them from piles and other shelves and came across a story book i hadn't seen before. i don't know where we got it and it was placed in a strange place, sticking out of some non-fiction as if the holy spirit said "here, this one". it is called "the sleeping bread". it was my scriptures for the morning. here's what one reviewer said of the story:
Set in a Guatemalan village, it tells the story of Beto, a kind-hearted baker, and Zafiro, a beggar for whom Beto always saves his crusts. Unlike Beto, the villagers want only to be rid of Zafiro, and as festival time approaches, they force him to leave. While Zafiro is bidding Beto goodbye, one of Zafiro's bitter tears falls in the baking water. The result — Beto can no longer make bread. The dough refuses to rise. All finally ends well when Beto persuades the villagers to invite Zafiro back to the village. The mystery is solved, the villagers feast again on Beta's wonderful bread, and Zafiro is given a place of honour in the festival procession.after my love affair with "sleeping with bread" this so beautifully tied together my passions.
i went from there to some time with a book i had been avoiding, the cup of life - i realized upon opening it why i had been avoiding it... this chapter was on suffering. this meditation was on sitting with our empty cup and the consequences of the life decisions we had made, both the joy and the suffering. i realized that living my life as openly as possible has meant that i make people uncomfortable. it is a choice and it has consequences. i really want it no other way. would i love for more people to join into this life choice, most definitely, but until then sitting with the pain of the loneliness was important and i felt such comfort in knowing that being in the margins and shadows was a place that jesus dwelt.
so all in all, and in many ways i can't articulate here, my choice yesterday was important and i'm so glad i honored that nudge to "be" and let god minister to me. it was the right thing do to. thank you for your encouragement, it means so much to me!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
skipping church
i know it's probably going to bite me in the ass, but i just feel too fragile to be in community today. i'm angry, lonely and sad and i know that it will pour out of me today and i just don't want to do it in public. i have become increasingly frustrated with a couple of things i'm seeing - it wouldn't bother me in other churches, but here i really thought they "got it". too much to hope for i guess.
another reason is that it just seems to me that the only contact i have with anyone is when they need something from me. my closest friend i made here moved away a month ago and i am really feeling her loss. it wasn't like we saw each other every day, but when we did get together it was effortless. we were good for each other and it felt so nice to have a friend who "got it" and actually listened. lately i feel like people love to talk to me and at me, but not with me. i ask questions, remember what we talked of last time and reference it and really am in tune with their lives. it rarely seems to go both ways. when i start to share i find changes of subject, glazed over eyes and disengaged presence, so i just stop and turn the conversation back to them. immediately they're animated again and interested. it just hurts.
i think it's part of the examen process that helps me to realize how very little engagement i have that is life giving. so rarely are my interactions with people my "highs" or "bests". i am finding lately they are actually my lows. i think that maybe part of my dysfunction is to gloss things over and pretend like things are great when they really aren't. damn. it's easier to pretend sometimes. the examen doesn't let me and i don't really know what to do about it.
so, because it's communion and then there is a short information meeting after church for an event i've been working with and i'm not feeling heard on anyway i am avoiding going.
worship alone today. i'm lighting candles, putting on a meditation cd and spending time in solitude and silence. i know that avoiding connection when i'm feeling disconnected is probably very self-defeating, but i just can't seem to muster up the courage to be really fragile in community right now. it just doesn't feel as safe as it used to.
another reason is that it just seems to me that the only contact i have with anyone is when they need something from me. my closest friend i made here moved away a month ago and i am really feeling her loss. it wasn't like we saw each other every day, but when we did get together it was effortless. we were good for each other and it felt so nice to have a friend who "got it" and actually listened. lately i feel like people love to talk to me and at me, but not with me. i ask questions, remember what we talked of last time and reference it and really am in tune with their lives. it rarely seems to go both ways. when i start to share i find changes of subject, glazed over eyes and disengaged presence, so i just stop and turn the conversation back to them. immediately they're animated again and interested. it just hurts.
i think it's part of the examen process that helps me to realize how very little engagement i have that is life giving. so rarely are my interactions with people my "highs" or "bests". i am finding lately they are actually my lows. i think that maybe part of my dysfunction is to gloss things over and pretend like things are great when they really aren't. damn. it's easier to pretend sometimes. the examen doesn't let me and i don't really know what to do about it.
so, because it's communion and then there is a short information meeting after church for an event i've been working with and i'm not feeling heard on anyway i am avoiding going.
worship alone today. i'm lighting candles, putting on a meditation cd and spending time in solitude and silence. i know that avoiding connection when i'm feeling disconnected is probably very self-defeating, but i just can't seem to muster up the courage to be really fragile in community right now. it just doesn't feel as safe as it used to.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
a heart for service
this week has gotten busy again. i've got too many projects on the go and feel like my brain is just getting pulled in too many directions. i need to sit and make some lists to calm my thoughts down and i just don't have the time or energy. maybe tomorrow. i got another chance to talk with my dad and he feels better than he has in ages. i think his appendix has been bothering him for longer than he realized.
today i head to the foodbank to help them organize all of the donations for their garage sale friday and saturday. liam and i took all the overpriced leftovers from our church garage sale over on monday and i think that should give them a good base for theirs along with the stuff from their basement. D (what i'm calling the director there) said that they've never had such a good handle on their stuff before - knowing where it all is and having quick access to it. it will be even better when we can get that stuff cleared out and i can re-shelve that space so it will be more workable for them throughout the year.
god is doing something amazing here. liam's position has been integral in allowing him to get the pulse of our community, in the town and the county as a whole. he has been leading our areas non-profits in gathering together to network and begin to get their ducks in a row for the provincial liason who is coming in june to meet with them. she is hosting listening meetings all over the province to hear what the area non profits need and will take those talking points back to the provincial government and seek to begin to meet the real felt needs of the communities. the liason is an incredible woman who has been working for the poor for decades.
what has happened here in our county is that because of these breakfast meetings the non-profits have begun to dialog and interconnect in a way they haven't before and when they meet in a couple of weeks they will be able to all ask for "one list" of workable plans instead of 40 different lists all looking out for their own work - and this list is brilliant. little on the list costs anything - it's mostly about permission. clearing red tape, opening access to things the government is doing already. it is so intuitive and inspired i just know god is in it.
D told us while we were there monday how encouraged she was to see everyone working together and how important it was to have someone new to help gel them and overcome the personality pitfalls that have plagued many of them for years. i am so proud of liam and the work he is doing. these people have no advocate, they all work so hard to care for the forgotten. it is incredible to see how this is all coming together and how excited people are in working together. coming into this with a heart for service instead of looking for power has really been a living witness and the kingdom is breaking through in places that we could never imagine. it's very exciting.
today i head to the foodbank to help them organize all of the donations for their garage sale friday and saturday. liam and i took all the overpriced leftovers from our church garage sale over on monday and i think that should give them a good base for theirs along with the stuff from their basement. D (what i'm calling the director there) said that they've never had such a good handle on their stuff before - knowing where it all is and having quick access to it. it will be even better when we can get that stuff cleared out and i can re-shelve that space so it will be more workable for them throughout the year.
god is doing something amazing here. liam's position has been integral in allowing him to get the pulse of our community, in the town and the county as a whole. he has been leading our areas non-profits in gathering together to network and begin to get their ducks in a row for the provincial liason who is coming in june to meet with them. she is hosting listening meetings all over the province to hear what the area non profits need and will take those talking points back to the provincial government and seek to begin to meet the real felt needs of the communities. the liason is an incredible woman who has been working for the poor for decades.
what has happened here in our county is that because of these breakfast meetings the non-profits have begun to dialog and interconnect in a way they haven't before and when they meet in a couple of weeks they will be able to all ask for "one list" of workable plans instead of 40 different lists all looking out for their own work - and this list is brilliant. little on the list costs anything - it's mostly about permission. clearing red tape, opening access to things the government is doing already. it is so intuitive and inspired i just know god is in it.
D told us while we were there monday how encouraged she was to see everyone working together and how important it was to have someone new to help gel them and overcome the personality pitfalls that have plagued many of them for years. i am so proud of liam and the work he is doing. these people have no advocate, they all work so hard to care for the forgotten. it is incredible to see how this is all coming together and how excited people are in working together. coming into this with a heart for service instead of looking for power has really been a living witness and the kingdom is breaking through in places that we could never imagine. it's very exciting.
Monday, May 28, 2007
phone calls in the night
liam woke me up and told me my aunt called to let me know that my father was rushed into surgery yesterday for appendicitis and that he was recovering okay.
i wish he had woke me with the phone instead of the information, but i guess he was a bit in shock too.
my dad is healthy. yes, he's got RA and is a type 1 diabetic, but other than that he's fit - 70 years old and plays (wipes the floor) basketball with the highschoolers he helps coach. i can't say this was expected. but then it never is, is it?
i found my lungs frozen. i couldn't get a full breath. it took me a bit to process the thoughts. wisconsin is so very far away. i lay there in bed for about 30 minutes wishing i was by his side, what if something horrible happened? what if? what if? and then i realized that i have said everything. yes, it would be horrible, but there is nothing unspoken. we have a wonderful relationship now. there was nothing i could do last night to make it any better than it already was.
it gave me great peace and i was able to return to sleep.
i'd ask if you might pray for his recovery today. i'd love it if this didn't stop his hook shot or float fishing. he brings a smile to everyone he meets (and a lot of fish) and is so very special. we are planning on meeting at my sisters in july and i would really treasure having time with him again. please also pray for my sister, i know she's going to have a tough time with this one. thank you.
UPDATE: just spoke with my sister, my dad & my aunt (thank god for flat rate phone bills!) and everyone seems to be doing well, especially my father. somehow he was convinced his appendix was on the opposite side it was - so he was convinced it wasn't appendicitis... so thankful my aunt (who he lives with) insisted he go to the hospital. i guess it was just in time - he had 104 temp before they took him into surgery. he lived with us for 5 years before we moved here - so i know how very stubborn he can be about getting help. my aunt deserves a medal for this one! :) thanks for your prayers!
i wish he had woke me with the phone instead of the information, but i guess he was a bit in shock too.
my dad is healthy. yes, he's got RA and is a type 1 diabetic, but other than that he's fit - 70 years old and plays (wipes the floor) basketball with the highschoolers he helps coach. i can't say this was expected. but then it never is, is it?
i found my lungs frozen. i couldn't get a full breath. it took me a bit to process the thoughts. wisconsin is so very far away. i lay there in bed for about 30 minutes wishing i was by his side, what if something horrible happened? what if? what if? and then i realized that i have said everything. yes, it would be horrible, but there is nothing unspoken. we have a wonderful relationship now. there was nothing i could do last night to make it any better than it already was.
it gave me great peace and i was able to return to sleep.
i'd ask if you might pray for his recovery today. i'd love it if this didn't stop his hook shot or float fishing. he brings a smile to everyone he meets (and a lot of fish) and is so very special. we are planning on meeting at my sisters in july and i would really treasure having time with him again. please also pray for my sister, i know she's going to have a tough time with this one. thank you.
UPDATE: just spoke with my sister, my dad & my aunt (thank god for flat rate phone bills!) and everyone seems to be doing well, especially my father. somehow he was convinced his appendix was on the opposite side it was - so he was convinced it wasn't appendicitis... so thankful my aunt (who he lives with) insisted he go to the hospital. i guess it was just in time - he had 104 temp before they took him into surgery. he lived with us for 5 years before we moved here - so i know how very stubborn he can be about getting help. my aunt deserves a medal for this one! :) thanks for your prayers!
the daily examen - ignatian prayer
frequent reader and world traveler judi (no blog) has asked in a comment about what the examen is. i am not the expert here, but will attempt to do a bit of research and use my own take on this ancient practice.
here is a short history i was able to glean from the web:
my next contact with the examen was angie york-crane and her blog "living at both ends - an exploration of best and worst" i don't know who linked to her years ago or how i found her words but i was drawn to them and quite soon found a kindred soul whose depth i have come to love dearly. reading her words has helped me understand the grit and grist that the examen can and should be. that busy moms and everyman can benefit from this daily practice. it left the monastery and entered the every day for me. i still didn't think i was disciplined enough for it, but i knew that it wasn't just for the chosen few anymore.
i think it was my spiritual director (who i only get to see once a year) beth from youth specialties who recommended "sleeping with bread" - it only took me three years to actually pick up the book. but i know it was timed perfectly to when i was actually ready to use this special tool to help me see the sacred in the everyday, to find god's love for me and the desires of my heart in the things i am already doing instead of the big dreams i have yet to dream and do.
commenter becca posted this yesterday:
here is a link that explains another way to do the examen:
Process
here are some more links you can follow for more information:
An Examen - Review or Daily Review by the Canadian Jesuits
Ignatian Prayer
St. Ignatius - Spiritual Exercises
here is a short history i was able to glean from the web:
St. Ignatius of Loyola was born in 1491 in northern Spain. He was the youngest of 13 children. As a young man, he served as a Page of the Treasurer of the castle, and loved wine, women and song! He was reported to be addicted to gambling and was described as contentious.i think my first introduction to the examen, or ignatian prayer, came about a decade ago through mike & mark yaconelli's "practicing the presence of god" critical concern course at the national youth workers convention. it sounded like a wonderful idea that i wasn't nearly "spiritual" enough to practice regularly. it always seemed like a special discipline reserved for really special people who had lots of time in their days to be spiritual (nuns and old people i guess??) i knew i never thought that i could really carve a place in my life where this could happen daily. (such an optimist...)
At the age of 30, Ignatius was wounded in battle defending Spain against France. During his long recuperation, he read about the life of Christ. He was drawn to Him and the profound effect Christ had on His followers. At the same time he was drawn to a noble lady he loved, and to fame and glory. As he reflected, he found that his daydreams of the woman resulted in feelings of restlessness while his reflections on Christ brought peace. This marked the beginning of his conversion. It also marked the beginning of his profound teaching on developing spiritual discernment through the examination of emotions, feelings and thoughts. Ignatius taught that the work of the spirit is revealed not just through the intellect. God is found in everything including our emotions and feelings.
my next contact with the examen was angie york-crane and her blog "living at both ends - an exploration of best and worst" i don't know who linked to her years ago or how i found her words but i was drawn to them and quite soon found a kindred soul whose depth i have come to love dearly. reading her words has helped me understand the grit and grist that the examen can and should be. that busy moms and everyman can benefit from this daily practice. it left the monastery and entered the every day for me. i still didn't think i was disciplined enough for it, but i knew that it wasn't just for the chosen few anymore.
i think it was my spiritual director (who i only get to see once a year) beth from youth specialties who recommended "sleeping with bread" - it only took me three years to actually pick up the book. but i know it was timed perfectly to when i was actually ready to use this special tool to help me see the sacred in the everyday, to find god's love for me and the desires of my heart in the things i am already doing instead of the big dreams i have yet to dream and do.
commenter becca posted this yesterday:
Judi... examen, as my housemates and I practice it, is a time of reflecting on one's happenings in the last day, and pondering about what the "leastest" and "mostest" moments have been. There are no right or wrong ways of expressing this... It is excellent for creating openness about one's journey... and for recognising patterns that one may not be so conscious of... and then actively working towards betterment... and praying with and for each other...thank you becca! i appreciate your addition to both judi's & my journey!
We practice a variation of "examen". We use fairly broad, sweeping terms of our "leastest" and "mostest" for the day...
saddest - happiest
most confusing - most clarifying
"on the wrong path" - "journeying towards wholeness"
most frustrating - least frustrating
least friendship-building moment - most companion-edifying time
least sure of God - most aware of God
most afraid - most secure
most outraged - most amused...
the list is obviously expandable... find a word that describes a feeling, and then think about the antonym... actually, they don't even have to be antonyms... it is perfectly ok to have "most challenging" with "most hilarious"!
As a side note, we frequently find that certain happenings are *both* of our "mostest and leastest" for the day, which is mysterious and intriguing... for example, a while back I discovered some old photos of my lil' brother when he was a sweet-natured, happy-go-lucky kid... which is evidently a mostest... but this was juxtaposed with my knowledge of how utterly sad and hopeless he has been feeling in recent times... and thus my obvious leastest.
do share with us what you explore about examen if you do so...
shalom...
Becca
here is a link that explains another way to do the examen:
Process
- Ask God to help you identify the moment today for which you are most grateful. Recall that moment in as much detail as possible. What made it so special? "For what moment today am I most grateful?"
- Ask God to help you identify the moment today for which you are least grateful. Recall that moment. What made it so difficult? "For what moment today am I least grateful?
- Follow this with "When did I feel most alive today? When did I most feel life draining out of me today?"
- Try to keep the Daily Examen as consistently as possible. At regular intervals look back over your journal entries.
- What do you notice? Any patterns? Themes?
- What might these writings be telling you about how God is speaking to you?
- What do these writings suggest about your identity? Your purpose? Your direction?
here are some more links you can follow for more information:
An Examen - Review or Daily Review by the Canadian Jesuits
Ignatian Prayer
St. Ignatius - Spiritual Exercises
Thursday, May 24, 2007
$3.00 a day
amazing article in the washington post about a congressman who rose to the challenge to live on the $3.00 a day food stamp recipients are forced to subsist on:
Washington Post - Pangs of Hunger - and a Bit of Guilt
Washington Post - Pangs of Hunger - and a Bit of Guilt
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
stephanie is making lace
my dear friend stephanie is making lace over at just etchings - i encourage you to go read her wonderful story:Loose Threads - Exquisite Lace
Monday, May 21, 2007
consolation and desolation
i am finding great depth in these two words this past week. i have tried to "do the examen" for years - "do" as "oh this sounds like a great idea" or "anj gets so much out of it, i want that much out of it too"... blah, blah, blah. i don't know if the timing wasn't right, of it was because i didn't have these words.
i have said that as a family we have done "highs and lows" at supper for years now. it is a great way to get your kids talking about their day, but it lacks the spiritual impact of the true examen. and anj does "best and worst" - and so i tried that too - but neither of those word sets really helped me to fully understand the examen like these words do. consolation and desolation are so graphic, such emotionally loaded, picture words that i immediately can feel them and identify the times in my day when i am brought to those places.
desolation speaks of a desert to me, dry, barren, lifeless. consolation is the warm, strong, safe embrace or a cuddle on the lap.
what i am realizing is that i spend so much of my life trying to console myself. trying to fill those desolate places i find i comfort myself with "consolation prizes" - instead of real, true, consoling consolation. this tool is giving me so much to think about and consider.
i have said that as a family we have done "highs and lows" at supper for years now. it is a great way to get your kids talking about their day, but it lacks the spiritual impact of the true examen. and anj does "best and worst" - and so i tried that too - but neither of those word sets really helped me to fully understand the examen like these words do. consolation and desolation are so graphic, such emotionally loaded, picture words that i immediately can feel them and identify the times in my day when i am brought to those places.
desolation speaks of a desert to me, dry, barren, lifeless. consolation is the warm, strong, safe embrace or a cuddle on the lap.
what i am realizing is that i spend so much of my life trying to console myself. trying to fill those desolate places i find i comfort myself with "consolation prizes" - instead of real, true, consoling consolation. this tool is giving me so much to think about and consider.
Friday, May 18, 2007
counting to 12
Keeping Quiet
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.
Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.
What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.
Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.
Pablo Neruda - Source: translated by Alistair Reid in Extravagaria
via - inward/outward
Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.
For once on the face of the earth,
let's not speak in any language;
let's stop for one second,
and not move our arms so much.
It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.
Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm whales
and the man gathering salt
would look at his hurt hands.
Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.
What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.
Life is what it is about;
I want no truck with death.
If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems dead
and later proves to be alive.
Now I'll count up to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.
Pablo Neruda - Source: translated by Alistair Reid in Extravagaria
via - inward/outward
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
sobrie-tees
found these while looking for some big-book quotes - and i thought they were too funny not to share:sobrie-tees
sleeping with bread
i'm only on page 20 and i could quote 10 paragraphs here. you have GOT TO get this book! it is linking together so many areas of my life and my journey and giving me the tool that will change everything. i know that sounds like a wild claim - but i truly believe it.
if i never teach my children anything else this will be the one thing i want them to grasp. on page 19 they quote st. ignatius' the spiritual exercises where he writes:
the part i want to highlight here is where it all connected for me - my story, my recovery, my personality and my strengths and weaknesses. sheila fabricant linn writes on pages 14 & 15 a bit of her story - she is telling about a meaningful father-type relationship she had with a professor that meant everything to her and evaporated one day. she tried quite a few times to reconnect with him and he wasn't receptive. by working the examen and telling her experience of this pain to others she realizes the following:
here is the definition of consolation and desolation they give from st. ignatius:
have to get to the food bank as i'm helping out there again today! hope you're all well!
if i never teach my children anything else this will be the one thing i want them to grasp. on page 19 they quote st. ignatius' the spiritual exercises where he writes:
It is wisely said, "Experience is the best teacher." ... The primary and most obvious reason for this is that revelation is not over, God is constantly revealing himself to us in our experience... Of course, the Bible is divine revelation -- no one denies that. But so is life! It is precisely because God is present to life and available to human experience that we have a divinely inspired story to tell, and that the story once told is revelation."(emphasis mine)
the part i want to highlight here is where it all connected for me - my story, my recovery, my personality and my strengths and weaknesses. sheila fabricant linn writes on pages 14 & 15 a bit of her story - she is telling about a meaningful father-type relationship she had with a professor that meant everything to her and evaporated one day. she tried quite a few times to reconnect with him and he wasn't receptive. by working the examen and telling her experience of this pain to others she realizes the following:
insert hallelujah chorus here.
Because my mother was mentally ill and unable to connect with her children, I learned as a small child to feel ashamed of my needs and desires, especially needs for connectedness with other human beings. It was this voice of shame that told me I should give up on trying to heal my relationship with Alex. When I considered giving into this voice, I felt desolation. When I got in touch with the consolation I felt each time I told the story of Alex, it showed me how to find healing: by asking to be heard.
The pattern I have described in myself, of feeling ashamed of my needs and desires, is an aspect of co-dependency. I behave like a co-dependent whenever I orient myself around the reality of others rather than living in my own reality and honoring my needs. Many people working in the field of addictions are saying that co-dependency and the core emotion of shame underlie all other addictions.
I need the examen to help me in my recovery. I her book, Co-Dependence, Anne Wilson Schaef says that for a recovering co-dependent "even the smallest lie can plunge us back into our disease." In other words, distorting the truth of who I am in any way (to please others, to meet my expectations of who I should be or what I should feel) is like an alcoholic taking that first drink. I need the examen each day because it helps me get better at telling the truth about who I am and what I need."
here is the definition of consolation and desolation they give from st. ignatius:
"He expected that God would speak through our deepest feelings and yearnings, what he called "consolation" and "desolation." For us, consolation is whatever helps us connect with ourselves, others, God and the universe. Desolation is whatever disconnects us. Ignatius recommended returning to our deepest moments of consolation and desolation." - pg. 19it's all starting to make sense! yippee!
have to get to the food bank as i'm helping out there again today! hope you're all well!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Of Pigs, Cows and Whales
Being a large woman I have always had an affinity for any animal that is used derivatively to describe an overweight person. There were probably only a few times in my past where those words were ever said to my face by others, but I found that they wove their way into the tapes in my head and came out my own mouth when looking at my body or my reflection in the mirror.
“Such a fat pig,” “Big cow,” or “get your whale of a body up and moving” - things like that regularly run through my mind and my self-talk and bring me much shame and my self-loathing to the surface. I now know that when I am using these terms that my self-care or program are faltering. Instead of being just darts and arrows I have thrown at myself for years, I’m beginning to use them as “red flags” to identify destructive behavior and try to turn such negative behavior into something I can use to signal me into better health. It is my deep wish that one day these words will be erased from my tapes and vocabulary, but until then I am trying to turn these weapons into tools. Swords into plowshares as it were.
I can remember hearing my best friend abused by my next door neighbor in the halls of our school. He’d grab her breast if no teachers were around and say “How now brown cow?” to let her know that her quickly developing body was a playground for his overactive, perverted imagination. Cows were aplenty in our small Wisconsin town. I rarely could see them without being reminded of that abuse. And if her body and development could bring so much shame and abuse, then my own wasn’t far behind. Instead of growing into our bodies with pride and joy they became scary and foreign to us. We were both much more physically mature than most of the other girls in the playground. 12 going on 17. The boys in our class wanted nothing to do with us, but we sure turned the heads of older boys and every dirty old man in we came in contact with. How now brown cow? Not very well thank you.
Porker, piggy and fat hog were regular retorts I heard thrown regularly at others who battled with their weight. Looking back at old photographs I see now that I was never fat as child or even a teen - I was big and womanly, but never as fat as I had pictured myself to be. I loathed my body and punished it with exercise as often as I was able. The cruelty of those words was my motivation not to have them lobbed at me. But somehow they frequently came out of my own mouth, and played all of the time in my own head.
In 1978 we began to understand that our 7th grade world was far bigger than our small town in Wisconsin. We heard about brutal seal hunts and saving the whales. We found that we could do very little about our own situations, but maybe, just maybe we could make a difference “out there”. Our little passionate hearts knew that something had to be done and so we would hold monthly bake-sales and send all of the money to Greenpeace to save the whales. How far away from the Midwest they seemed, those big, beautiful oceans, filled with big, beautiful wildlife. Whales were the only animal that I was able to not mind being called. Even though the whales were huge they were still so graceful and beautiful. I loved them with everything in me. Never did I imagine that one day I would live just minutes from one of the largest birthing areas of some of the largest whales in all of creation. Standing at the lighthouse last summer and watching a pod of Minkes surface filled my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.
I remember hearing bits and pieces about the movie Whale Rider. When it came to video in 2003 I was almost afraid to rent it because I knew it would change me forever. Paikea’s story of overcoming the restrictions of her culture and fulfilling her call was very close to home for me. Tying that into my love for whales made it almost unseeable because I knew that the emotions I would be facing and the story I would be confronting would teach me much about myself and touch deep places where I rarely wanted to go. It was an incredible experience to see her rise out of the waves and know that her grandfather was watching her. I am brought to tears even now as reminisce about the depth of emotion that rose out of me. It has changed me forever.
Pigs, cows and whales have always told me their stories. Living across the street from a dairy farm in my high school years allowed me to stand at the fence and commune with those Guernsey cows. When life was confusing and loneliness was at it’s peek I would speak to them, feed them and look deeply into their beautifully lashed big brown eyes. I told them many secrets I had been carrying for years. They always listened and never judged me.
I can remember one Christmas living in southwestern Ontario we took neighbors up on their regular invitation to our children to visit and see the neighbors baby piggies. Little did we know the level to which these farmers practiced their craft. Room upon room of growing pigs, level upon level of heat and stench that was almost unbearable. It would have been comical if we all weren’t so shocked by the intensity of the conditions. I remember though that what I hated most was that the one mother sow rolled over onto one of her little piglets. When I heard the scream it let out I wanted to jump the fence and free it. Instead ran to find the farmer to tell him that one of his herd was going to die. He shrugged and said nonchalantly “oh, we loose lots that way” and went on with his work. I was appalled, and unable to shake the sound of that screeching piglet for weeks.
I tried to process it with my husband who never understood the emotional connection I had with those animals and he proceeded to tell me about other pig stories that would only add to my pain and difficulty. He spoke of a farmer who he had known who had to remove a piglet from it’s family because of sickness and when re-introduced back into the herd it was attacked by the mother and left to die. I found that these stories resonated so deeply with my own pain that I was unable to exercise them from my mind.
So it was with these floating in my distant memory that I came upon this prose today and found myself reduced to tears and remembering the level of connection I feel for these animals. I have been slowly reading Anne Lamott’s new book, Grace (Eventually) and began the third chapter, Bodies in the quiet of this morning. I treated myself after our Lenten spending fast and purchased it full price from the bookstore across the river. I know her books move me like little else and so I have been portioning it out like a rich box of candy, piece by little piece. Savoring every word. It took me by surprise and I know it is well timed for my “centering” theme this year.
The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don’t flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow,
and the sow began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.
Where does this self-blessing come from? I truly don’t know. But I long for the ability to self-bless and nurture this bud into a flower.
“Such a fat pig,” “Big cow,” or “get your whale of a body up and moving” - things like that regularly run through my mind and my self-talk and bring me much shame and my self-loathing to the surface. I now know that when I am using these terms that my self-care or program are faltering. Instead of being just darts and arrows I have thrown at myself for years, I’m beginning to use them as “red flags” to identify destructive behavior and try to turn such negative behavior into something I can use to signal me into better health. It is my deep wish that one day these words will be erased from my tapes and vocabulary, but until then I am trying to turn these weapons into tools. Swords into plowshares as it were.
I can remember hearing my best friend abused by my next door neighbor in the halls of our school. He’d grab her breast if no teachers were around and say “How now brown cow?” to let her know that her quickly developing body was a playground for his overactive, perverted imagination. Cows were aplenty in our small Wisconsin town. I rarely could see them without being reminded of that abuse. And if her body and development could bring so much shame and abuse, then my own wasn’t far behind. Instead of growing into our bodies with pride and joy they became scary and foreign to us. We were both much more physically mature than most of the other girls in the playground. 12 going on 17. The boys in our class wanted nothing to do with us, but we sure turned the heads of older boys and every dirty old man in we came in contact with. How now brown cow? Not very well thank you.
Porker, piggy and fat hog were regular retorts I heard thrown regularly at others who battled with their weight. Looking back at old photographs I see now that I was never fat as child or even a teen - I was big and womanly, but never as fat as I had pictured myself to be. I loathed my body and punished it with exercise as often as I was able. The cruelty of those words was my motivation not to have them lobbed at me. But somehow they frequently came out of my own mouth, and played all of the time in my own head.
In 1978 we began to understand that our 7th grade world was far bigger than our small town in Wisconsin. We heard about brutal seal hunts and saving the whales. We found that we could do very little about our own situations, but maybe, just maybe we could make a difference “out there”. Our little passionate hearts knew that something had to be done and so we would hold monthly bake-sales and send all of the money to Greenpeace to save the whales. How far away from the Midwest they seemed, those big, beautiful oceans, filled with big, beautiful wildlife. Whales were the only animal that I was able to not mind being called. Even though the whales were huge they were still so graceful and beautiful. I loved them with everything in me. Never did I imagine that one day I would live just minutes from one of the largest birthing areas of some of the largest whales in all of creation. Standing at the lighthouse last summer and watching a pod of Minkes surface filled my heart with joy and my eyes with tears.
I remember hearing bits and pieces about the movie Whale Rider. When it came to video in 2003 I was almost afraid to rent it because I knew it would change me forever. Paikea’s story of overcoming the restrictions of her culture and fulfilling her call was very close to home for me. Tying that into my love for whales made it almost unseeable because I knew that the emotions I would be facing and the story I would be confronting would teach me much about myself and touch deep places where I rarely wanted to go. It was an incredible experience to see her rise out of the waves and know that her grandfather was watching her. I am brought to tears even now as reminisce about the depth of emotion that rose out of me. It has changed me forever.
Pigs, cows and whales have always told me their stories. Living across the street from a dairy farm in my high school years allowed me to stand at the fence and commune with those Guernsey cows. When life was confusing and loneliness was at it’s peek I would speak to them, feed them and look deeply into their beautifully lashed big brown eyes. I told them many secrets I had been carrying for years. They always listened and never judged me.I can remember one Christmas living in southwestern Ontario we took neighbors up on their regular invitation to our children to visit and see the neighbors baby piggies. Little did we know the level to which these farmers practiced their craft. Room upon room of growing pigs, level upon level of heat and stench that was almost unbearable. It would have been comical if we all weren’t so shocked by the intensity of the conditions. I remember though that what I hated most was that the one mother sow rolled over onto one of her little piglets. When I heard the scream it let out I wanted to jump the fence and free it. Instead ran to find the farmer to tell him that one of his herd was going to die. He shrugged and said nonchalantly “oh, we loose lots that way” and went on with his work. I was appalled, and unable to shake the sound of that screeching piglet for weeks.
I tried to process it with my husband who never understood the emotional connection I had with those animals and he proceeded to tell me about other pig stories that would only add to my pain and difficulty. He spoke of a farmer who he had known who had to remove a piglet from it’s family because of sickness and when re-introduced back into the herd it was attacked by the mother and left to die. I found that these stories resonated so deeply with my own pain that I was unable to exercise them from my mind.
So it was with these floating in my distant memory that I came upon this prose today and found myself reduced to tears and remembering the level of connection I feel for these animals. I have been slowly reading Anne Lamott’s new book, Grace (Eventually) and began the third chapter, Bodies in the quiet of this morning. I treated myself after our Lenten spending fast and purchased it full price from the bookstore across the river. I know her books move me like little else and so I have been portioning it out like a rich box of candy, piece by little piece. Savoring every word. It took me by surprise and I know it is well timed for my “centering” theme this year.
The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don’t flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis
put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch
blessings of earth on the sow,
and the sow began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,
from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine
down through the great broken heart
to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking
and blowing beneath them:
the long, perfect loveliness of sow.
Galway Kinnell, “Saint Francis and the Sow”
Where does this self-blessing come from? I truly don’t know. But I long for the ability to self-bless and nurture this bud into a flower.
Monday, May 14, 2007
5 minute update power post
- mother's day was grand - the best ever as my kids truly within themselves and motivated by love each shopped for a gift for me, with their own money (not that gifts matter, but this was just so generous and sweet) and made cards, and prayed for me before our lovely crepe breakfast my honey made for us.
- we stood for peace at the international bridge yesterday for five minutes of silence to remember the true meaning of mother's day. it was beautiful.
- we then took a walk over to the states and liam took me out for lunch as the kids had musical practice all afternoon and we had a lovely meal in a newer, really good restaurant (in short supply here) - so we will have a place here to take visitors and hang out at with friends. great atmosphere and good pub food. they even gave me a beautiful pink rose when the meal was over.
- i have had so much fun volunteering at our local food bank. i am cleaning out and organizing their basement - it uses a lot of my experience and skills and i think it is really encouraging my new friend who runs the place. i'm also getting to meet some really wonderful co-volunteers and breathing some life and energy into areas that needed it. i was also able to share some of the generous gift money my former boss had given me and got some much needed cordless phones and a headset (as the phone never stops ringing there) for her.
- the documentary that i have blogged about here sometime ago is completed and from what i hear quite moving. i am so excited to hear if they are being accepted into any of the film festivals around north america - hoping they make it into the toronto film festival as i think i could swing a trip there and stay with friends and actually see myself (on the big screen - yikes) . it is very strange to know that "my story" is being seen by 100's of people that i don't know and may never know - and to not have a clue what it looks like is really freaky... it was filmed in HD - so i'm sure being larger than life is really not as fun as i once imagined! :)
- the weight i lost most likely had to do with the sickness and not me "working my program" like i had thought as i have gained it back and haven't changed anything... sigh. this has taken it's toll on me emotionally and given a swift kick to my self confidence. i don't think it would have bothered me to go into the summer as i was, but now to have had a weight loss and then gain back i am regularly disappointed when i see my reflection instead of just the acceptance i had come to before the loss... trying to find the way through this and understand what it was that brought it all back, but i'm not sure where to begin...
- i have way too much to do, life has filled up - not to a crazy point, but enough that i am not getting as much down time as i normally have. that is probably a good thing.
- liam is almost done with the drywall in my NEW OFFICE - i am very excited to get painting in there soon!
- on that note i best go and get things done for the day. hope this finds you all well!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Stay-at-home Moms Are Priceless
happy mother's day!
Stay-at-home Moms Are Priceless: "Reuters has this report yesterday - Stay-at-home mother’s work worth $138,095 a year. Given today’s current salary levels, mommies are earning even more than top-level corporate honchos. Now would you look at that. A six-figure salary!
According to Salary.com moms are the real pros, working at least 10 jobs that include:
housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist."
Stay-at-home Moms Are Priceless: "Reuters has this report yesterday - Stay-at-home mother’s work worth $138,095 a year. Given today’s current salary levels, mommies are earning even more than top-level corporate honchos. Now would you look at that. A six-figure salary!
According to Salary.com moms are the real pros, working at least 10 jobs that include:
housekeeper, cook, day care center teacher, laundry machine operator, van driver, facilities manager, janitor, computer operator, chief executive officer and psychologist."
Outright Mental Defective: Saving Our Souls
Outright Mental Defective: Saving Our Souls: "Friday, May 11, 2007"
"I came to A.A. to save my ass and
I found out that my soul was attached to it."
Anonymous
I found out that my soul was attached to it."
Anonymous
Friday, May 11, 2007
parental bootcamp
i am hating this stage of parenting my daughter. she just turned 11 last month and we have begun to navigate hormones, mood swings and puberty and i am not doing so well. more than anything i want to raise a strong, capable, kind daughter - i don't want to crush her or bend her to my will - but dang, this is really tough to navigate.
as we did the examen last night as a family i shared that my worst was having 20 years of experience talking with young girls and helping them through this stage of their lives and being unable to do so with the one that i love the most in the world. i know it's time for her to have other adults in her life. i know that is why i had success with so many other tweens and teens was because i wasn't their mother. i was just a lady in their church who taught their sunday school class or was married to their youth pastor, or just plain cared. i know i'm not supposed to be everything to her - but i would give quite a bit to be able to not be the brunt of all of her frustration, the one she can't seem to stand and the one who she scratches at when she just can't figure out what she's feeling.
and i don't know if it is true for other mothers of daughters, but she is a window into my own soul and a flashback into my own growing up years. i know she is not me and i more than anything want her to be her own person, but dang, she is so me in so many ways - far too many ways that i hate in myself. i keep thinking "oh, if you're going to pick a way to be like me, please don't pick that!"
i realized when my kids were in their "terrible 2's" (which for me started at about 30 months and went until they were about 3 1/2) that this was more about me and liam than it was about them. this was boot camp for parenting. we were learning how to parent our children.
i looked at liam the other day and went "duh! THIS is bootcamp for the teen years". that's why this is so hard. we are now learning how to parent teenagers. and i'm sure at about 16 there will be a "boot camp for parenting young adults" too (hopefully i can remember that one is coming instead of being stuck dead center in the middle of it feeling like i'm drowning)...
i am learning how to parent my daughter as a teenager - it's supposed to be hard. it's supposed to take effort and intention. i can almost hear my own mother say "hey, if you're going to take anything from me, don't take shutting down, don't take pushing away, don't take withdrawl and feeling like your own failures are insurmountable here" - because, dang it all, i am so much like her too.
she smoked to make me go away. when things were hard and we were all nails and teeth with each other she would light up a cigarette and it would push me away. i hated them and she knew it. it was her way of controlling the situation. i never understood it then - but i do now. and yesterday i realized that i am using the computer as my cigarettes. i turn my head and loose myself in the screen and say to her "you can't ignore me, i choose to ignore you" - god help me. this is something i want to give back to my mom and not carry with me into my mothering of pink.
on sunday my counselor spoke at church about his father who had just passed away. it was a beautiful eulogy as he unpacked the wonderful things his father has handed down to him. he also was wise in speaking of the things that he didn't want to carry forward into his own life, the places where he saw weaknesses. he used this verse to explain that once we identify what those things are we are then able to choose to live a different way:
as we did the examen last night as a family i shared that my worst was having 20 years of experience talking with young girls and helping them through this stage of their lives and being unable to do so with the one that i love the most in the world. i know it's time for her to have other adults in her life. i know that is why i had success with so many other tweens and teens was because i wasn't their mother. i was just a lady in their church who taught their sunday school class or was married to their youth pastor, or just plain cared. i know i'm not supposed to be everything to her - but i would give quite a bit to be able to not be the brunt of all of her frustration, the one she can't seem to stand and the one who she scratches at when she just can't figure out what she's feeling.
and i don't know if it is true for other mothers of daughters, but she is a window into my own soul and a flashback into my own growing up years. i know she is not me and i more than anything want her to be her own person, but dang, she is so me in so many ways - far too many ways that i hate in myself. i keep thinking "oh, if you're going to pick a way to be like me, please don't pick that!"
i realized when my kids were in their "terrible 2's" (which for me started at about 30 months and went until they were about 3 1/2) that this was more about me and liam than it was about them. this was boot camp for parenting. we were learning how to parent our children.
i looked at liam the other day and went "duh! THIS is bootcamp for the teen years". that's why this is so hard. we are now learning how to parent teenagers. and i'm sure at about 16 there will be a "boot camp for parenting young adults" too (hopefully i can remember that one is coming instead of being stuck dead center in the middle of it feeling like i'm drowning)...
i am learning how to parent my daughter as a teenager - it's supposed to be hard. it's supposed to take effort and intention. i can almost hear my own mother say "hey, if you're going to take anything from me, don't take shutting down, don't take pushing away, don't take withdrawl and feeling like your own failures are insurmountable here" - because, dang it all, i am so much like her too.
she smoked to make me go away. when things were hard and we were all nails and teeth with each other she would light up a cigarette and it would push me away. i hated them and she knew it. it was her way of controlling the situation. i never understood it then - but i do now. and yesterday i realized that i am using the computer as my cigarettes. i turn my head and loose myself in the screen and say to her "you can't ignore me, i choose to ignore you" - god help me. this is something i want to give back to my mom and not carry with me into my mothering of pink.
on sunday my counselor spoke at church about his father who had just passed away. it was a beautiful eulogy as he unpacked the wonderful things his father has handed down to him. he also was wise in speaking of the things that he didn't want to carry forward into his own life, the places where he saw weaknesses. he used this verse to explain that once we identify what those things are we are then able to choose to live a different way:
"In those days people will no longer say,
'The fathers have eaten sour grapes,
and the children's teeth are set on edge.'
'The fathers have eaten sour grapes,
and the children's teeth are set on edge.'
Jeremiah 31:29
i know this is an opportunity to choose life and a new way. i don't know what that is yet, but i know what it isn't. it isn't easy. it isn't comfortable. it isn't natural. maybe i do know one thing that it is. it is worth it.
i know this is an opportunity to choose life and a new way. i don't know what that is yet, but i know what it isn't. it isn't easy. it isn't comfortable. it isn't natural. maybe i do know one thing that it is. it is worth it.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
sleeping with bread
i just received 'sleeping with bread, holding what gives you life' by the linns in the mail today.i ordered it when i decided to add the examen to my daily disciplines. it's a lovely little book full of child-like illustrations and exercises that individuals, families or groups can use to explore this rich tool.
i knew i needed something instructive as the tapes in my head keep playing over the time i am taking each day to reflect.
the title concept is based on a metaphor child care workers used to help orphans after WWII. the book explains it this way:
what a beautiful, life-giving image - i need that as i walk into this discipline - a constant reminder that this is remembering what gives me life.
During the bombing raids of World War II, thousands of children were orphaned and left to starve. The fortunate ones were rescued and placed in refugee camps where they received food and good care. But many of these children who had lost so much could not sleep at night. They feared waking up to find themselves once again homeless and without food. Nothing seemed to reassure them. Finally, someone hit upon the idea of giving each child a piece of bread to hold at bedtime. Holding their bread, these children could finally sleep in peace. All through the night the bread reminded them, "Today I ate and I will eat again tomorrow."
Sunday, May 06, 2007
in sickness and in health
i awoke early this morning - too early. the kind of early you lay in bed and think "please god, let me fall back to sleep, i'll never be able to face the day if i don't get more sleep" early. no more sleep for me. my mind started whirring. that is always the beginning of the end of sleep for me. i can sometimes read myself back to sleep, but i didn't even bother. instead i laid in bed and worried.
i tucked my son in last night fevered and ill. he was like fire, cheeks red and little body hot to the touch. i awoke this morning remembering that some in our community have been exposed to scarlet fever. that has such a depression era sound to it for my ears. i think one of my aunts had that when she was a little girl. scarlet fever. what if it is scarlet fever? what does that look like? what does that mean? my mind whirred into quite a spiral. it hasn't done that in a while.
other than that nasty bout of stomach virus we had we've all been incredibly healthy. lucky? blessed? sheltered? i don't know - but i know i drew the long straw here in regard to having healthy kids. i have watched so many parents deal with their own children being sick, enduring surgeries and even sometimes the death of a child.
this morning i spun myself into quite a swirl of 'i knew it, it couldn't last' - somewhere deep within my heart i feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - like i'm just putting in time before the big, ugly diagnosis hits and something tragic happens to one of my kids. it's sick, wrong and very unhealthy, but i'm hoping that writing about it will bring some perspective and peace.
it's 24 hours later - buck has a head cold. fever gone, no scarlet fever. he even chose to go to church and play practice yesterday. all of that worry and energy spent for nothing. hope posted a great nugget of truth yesterday on her blog:
if i'm honest i'd have to admit that i also am waiting for a diagnosis for myself too. my friend anj and i have been dialogging about her new diagnosis or RUPUS (a rheumatoid arthritis form of LUPUS) and how that has brought a lot of emotion with it because it was what my mother had (minus the RA). i am 41. my mother died at 43. no one in my family makes it past 40 without a diagnosis of some sort. no one. RA, type 2 diabetes, cancer, etc - i come from a long line of very unhealthy people. if i am completely honest i would have to say that getting a diagnosis would at least feel like i'm past that part - like i know what's headed my way. it sounds so stupid, but i'm being honest. it's like knowing the name of the train thats going to hit you. what does it matter? is there even a train? i have never imagined that there wouldn't be. i have always, every day of my life imagined that i would not live a healthy adult life. yuck.
back in college i took the MMPI and the president of the college, who was teaching the class we took the test for said "if i didn't know you lived with a very sick mother i'd be worried." i guess i scored off the charts on "hypochondria" - it used to be a lot worse than it is now - but i think it is still a deep seated (seeded?) fear that i don't think i've acknowledged "out loud".
i know my father didn't think he'd live past 35 when his own father died (he was killed in a quarry accident) - so maybe this is "normal" (whatever that means) - or maybe i need to really talk about this and think about it and bring it into the light. my mom has been gone for 19 years. i was 21 when she died. my conscious memory with her is shorter than my conscious memory without her. in much of my active memory of her she was very sick.
being sick was a great way to get attention in my house growing up. it was also a good excuse to get out of work. i used sickness to cope for a lot of years. finally one day after i began to achieve some better tools and stronger mental health i realized a lot of the damage that was doing. "it wasn't working for me" anymore. so now i find i can hardly trust myself. am i sick? do i really feel horrible? or am i just trying to avoid something? i'm not a very good judge anymore.
but one thing i do know is that the energy i am burning up worrying about sickness, either in my loved ones or myself is a definite misuse of my wonderful imagination. energy i'd much rather pour into creativity, writing, art and life.
thanks for listening.
i tucked my son in last night fevered and ill. he was like fire, cheeks red and little body hot to the touch. i awoke this morning remembering that some in our community have been exposed to scarlet fever. that has such a depression era sound to it for my ears. i think one of my aunts had that when she was a little girl. scarlet fever. what if it is scarlet fever? what does that look like? what does that mean? my mind whirred into quite a spiral. it hasn't done that in a while.
other than that nasty bout of stomach virus we had we've all been incredibly healthy. lucky? blessed? sheltered? i don't know - but i know i drew the long straw here in regard to having healthy kids. i have watched so many parents deal with their own children being sick, enduring surgeries and even sometimes the death of a child.
this morning i spun myself into quite a swirl of 'i knew it, it couldn't last' - somewhere deep within my heart i feel like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - like i'm just putting in time before the big, ugly diagnosis hits and something tragic happens to one of my kids. it's sick, wrong and very unhealthy, but i'm hoping that writing about it will bring some perspective and peace.
it's 24 hours later - buck has a head cold. fever gone, no scarlet fever. he even chose to go to church and play practice yesterday. all of that worry and energy spent for nothing. hope posted a great nugget of truth yesterday on her blog:
I was reminded to use my energy to work on real problems, not the imaginary ones in my head. That was the nugget of truth I took with me as I left the meeting.liam told me something he heard the other day - "worry is the misuse of imagination" - and i have far too little energy and way too much i want to be creative with to waste it on worry, right?
if i'm honest i'd have to admit that i also am waiting for a diagnosis for myself too. my friend anj and i have been dialogging about her new diagnosis or RUPUS (a rheumatoid arthritis form of LUPUS) and how that has brought a lot of emotion with it because it was what my mother had (minus the RA). i am 41. my mother died at 43. no one in my family makes it past 40 without a diagnosis of some sort. no one. RA, type 2 diabetes, cancer, etc - i come from a long line of very unhealthy people. if i am completely honest i would have to say that getting a diagnosis would at least feel like i'm past that part - like i know what's headed my way. it sounds so stupid, but i'm being honest. it's like knowing the name of the train thats going to hit you. what does it matter? is there even a train? i have never imagined that there wouldn't be. i have always, every day of my life imagined that i would not live a healthy adult life. yuck.
back in college i took the MMPI and the president of the college, who was teaching the class we took the test for said "if i didn't know you lived with a very sick mother i'd be worried." i guess i scored off the charts on "hypochondria" - it used to be a lot worse than it is now - but i think it is still a deep seated (seeded?) fear that i don't think i've acknowledged "out loud".
i know my father didn't think he'd live past 35 when his own father died (he was killed in a quarry accident) - so maybe this is "normal" (whatever that means) - or maybe i need to really talk about this and think about it and bring it into the light. my mom has been gone for 19 years. i was 21 when she died. my conscious memory with her is shorter than my conscious memory without her. in much of my active memory of her she was very sick.
being sick was a great way to get attention in my house growing up. it was also a good excuse to get out of work. i used sickness to cope for a lot of years. finally one day after i began to achieve some better tools and stronger mental health i realized a lot of the damage that was doing. "it wasn't working for me" anymore. so now i find i can hardly trust myself. am i sick? do i really feel horrible? or am i just trying to avoid something? i'm not a very good judge anymore.
but one thing i do know is that the energy i am burning up worrying about sickness, either in my loved ones or myself is a definite misuse of my wonderful imagination. energy i'd much rather pour into creativity, writing, art and life.
thanks for listening.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
garage sailing
yes, sailing, as out of here - away from my way too many projects on the go - it's been a great week, very disorganized and my flat is in chaos - and i am going to leave it all behind in great amounts of denial and sail outta here.
the sun is shining and i am going to write here again, i promise - but it's just necessary to escape and be free from the confines today.
hope this saturday finds you all well!
the sun is shining and i am going to write here again, i promise - but it's just necessary to escape and be free from the confines today.
hope this saturday finds you all well!
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
making amends to ourselves
i awoke at 4:44 this morning knowing that was probably all the sleep i was going to get last night. liam was snoring and my mind was whirring away already. it's that time of the month for little sleep, but also a fertile mind. it's a trade off i can live with. yesterday i blogged on the daily examen and after i did i began to do some research on it. i found out that i had spelled it incorrectly "examin" and so my google search was lean - but i did find a beautiful exercise on the "small boat big sea" website that i sat with last night. it's a postmodern church in australia and the exercise begins half way down the page here:
Small Boat Big Sea: Bells
i think the exercise is meant for children, but i enjoyed it and was struck by how much of my day i truly did remember when i sat down to really think it through. as part of my recovery i sent an email to my friend at the end of the day or at the beginning of the next. far too many times i can't even remember what i ate for meals - so i was skeptical that i would be able to review my day.
the thing that stuck out to me the most was a conversation i had with hope. she called in the middle of a painting project i was doing. when we replaced the washer and dryer i took that opportunity to quickly paint the little closet that is my laundry "room" - more like a laundry hallway - two doors pass through a space large enough to hold a washer and dryer on one side and a hot water heater and an electric panel, and under that i tuck in a little shelf i store pantry goods on (which of course i had found at the curb...)
i got the walls painted but was waiting for the patch to dry on the ceiling so i could paint it too - and i thought "well, while i'm waiting i can take a quick hour and paint this sad little shelf". hope caught me at the end of the priming stage - there was this tiny little red dot of some mysterious substance that WOULD NOT be covered in primer. it kept bleeding through (no it wasn't blood) and i knew that when i tried to use my off white paint it would keep poking through. i remembered that i had a quart of kilz primer in my back room for another project and while i was chatting away went to grab it and gave it a good shake, opened it, got a small brush and touched up the red blot.
this whole time hope is getting filtered running commentary amongst our conversation. as i wash out (try to wash out) the brush i realize too late that this is OIL primer and not the latex i had been working with. i now have white oil paint all over one hand and no mineral spirits in the house. this is not the point of the story, but the backdrop to explain that hope said something like "hey, you're really hard on yourself and have a lot of negative self talk here" (i can't remember her exact words) but all of a sudden i heard myself. i realized she was right. i verbally beat myself up all the time.
it's subtle - i used to be 100 times worse - standing at the mirror and saying horrible things to myself. i don't do that anymore - but i didn't realize how much i did this other running commentary, criticizing myself, berating myself for mistakes made or dumb decisions.
the day before at church i was speaking to a couple of the women who would have been my mom's age about menopause. one of the women said she had been getting acne as part of her 'stage of life' now and i said "oh, don't talk to me about bad skin - i have the worst skin of anyone i know". both of them looked at me like i had a hole in my head. i used to have lovely skin - peaches and cream my mom called it. kids, hives treated wtih hydrocortisone for decades and rosacea, adult acne and scarring due to all of these things. without makeup i say my face looks like a road map.
these women were incredulous - "you have lovely skin" they said - i challenged them. for about five minutes. i said, "no i have lovely make up, not lovely skin..." i really feel like every time anyone looks at me in conversation like they are staring at the road map of my face. one of them had been at a going away party for a mutual friend the evening before and i said "when you gave me a compliment for my earrings last night i thought i had caught you starring at my face and you covered by complimenting my earrings". she looked me straight in the eyes and said "i thought your earrings were beautiful, and you are beautiful. your skin is beautiful and i have never once thought what you think or been distracted by it."
i think i might be dealing with a bit of a self image/loathing problem that i hadn't recognized. i guess because my self loathing used to be at 100% the 50% i've been living with seems non-existent. but it is still causing me a lot of damage. i am still so broken in this broken place.
anyway - back to this morning. laying in bed i recalled my examen time yesterday and thought about my day and realized god had answered my prayer to recall any amends that i had forgotten to make. i had forgotten to make amends to myself. i didn't know what that would look like, but i needed to take some time to figure that out and that step 10 and the daily examen will help me to keep my own self-loathing list short and checked.
so self, i begin today by saying sorry. i have beaten you up (both verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically) far too often. loathed the very existence of you, the reflection of you and the inadequacies of you. please forgive me. i know this is broken and somehow we need to find a better way. together i think we can do it.
Small Boat Big Sea: Bells
i think the exercise is meant for children, but i enjoyed it and was struck by how much of my day i truly did remember when i sat down to really think it through. as part of my recovery i sent an email to my friend at the end of the day or at the beginning of the next. far too many times i can't even remember what i ate for meals - so i was skeptical that i would be able to review my day.
the thing that stuck out to me the most was a conversation i had with hope. she called in the middle of a painting project i was doing. when we replaced the washer and dryer i took that opportunity to quickly paint the little closet that is my laundry "room" - more like a laundry hallway - two doors pass through a space large enough to hold a washer and dryer on one side and a hot water heater and an electric panel, and under that i tuck in a little shelf i store pantry goods on (which of course i had found at the curb...)
i got the walls painted but was waiting for the patch to dry on the ceiling so i could paint it too - and i thought "well, while i'm waiting i can take a quick hour and paint this sad little shelf". hope caught me at the end of the priming stage - there was this tiny little red dot of some mysterious substance that WOULD NOT be covered in primer. it kept bleeding through (no it wasn't blood) and i knew that when i tried to use my off white paint it would keep poking through. i remembered that i had a quart of kilz primer in my back room for another project and while i was chatting away went to grab it and gave it a good shake, opened it, got a small brush and touched up the red blot.
this whole time hope is getting filtered running commentary amongst our conversation. as i wash out (try to wash out) the brush i realize too late that this is OIL primer and not the latex i had been working with. i now have white oil paint all over one hand and no mineral spirits in the house. this is not the point of the story, but the backdrop to explain that hope said something like "hey, you're really hard on yourself and have a lot of negative self talk here" (i can't remember her exact words) but all of a sudden i heard myself. i realized she was right. i verbally beat myself up all the time.
it's subtle - i used to be 100 times worse - standing at the mirror and saying horrible things to myself. i don't do that anymore - but i didn't realize how much i did this other running commentary, criticizing myself, berating myself for mistakes made or dumb decisions.
the day before at church i was speaking to a couple of the women who would have been my mom's age about menopause. one of the women said she had been getting acne as part of her 'stage of life' now and i said "oh, don't talk to me about bad skin - i have the worst skin of anyone i know". both of them looked at me like i had a hole in my head. i used to have lovely skin - peaches and cream my mom called it. kids, hives treated wtih hydrocortisone for decades and rosacea, adult acne and scarring due to all of these things. without makeup i say my face looks like a road map.
these women were incredulous - "you have lovely skin" they said - i challenged them. for about five minutes. i said, "no i have lovely make up, not lovely skin..." i really feel like every time anyone looks at me in conversation like they are staring at the road map of my face. one of them had been at a going away party for a mutual friend the evening before and i said "when you gave me a compliment for my earrings last night i thought i had caught you starring at my face and you covered by complimenting my earrings". she looked me straight in the eyes and said "i thought your earrings were beautiful, and you are beautiful. your skin is beautiful and i have never once thought what you think or been distracted by it."
i think i might be dealing with a bit of a self image/loathing problem that i hadn't recognized. i guess because my self loathing used to be at 100% the 50% i've been living with seems non-existent. but it is still causing me a lot of damage. i am still so broken in this broken place.
anyway - back to this morning. laying in bed i recalled my examen time yesterday and thought about my day and realized god had answered my prayer to recall any amends that i had forgotten to make. i had forgotten to make amends to myself. i didn't know what that would look like, but i needed to take some time to figure that out and that step 10 and the daily examen will help me to keep my own self-loathing list short and checked.
so self, i begin today by saying sorry. i have beaten you up (both verbally, emotionally and even sometimes physically) far too often. loathed the very existence of you, the reflection of you and the inadequacies of you. please forgive me. i know this is broken and somehow we need to find a better way. together i think we can do it.
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