Friday, July 23, 2004

conflict and confrontation

i've been having some email correspondence with a fellow blogger. we were writing about something totally different, but i wondered after i left a comment on her blog a couple days before if the comments i left her were received in the heart in which i left them.

she wrote back and explained the emotion with which my comments were received. the spirit in which i wrote them, and the spirit in which they were received were diametrically opposed to each other. i was sick. the thought that those comments could have built a wall between made me frantic. a wall that i possibly would have known nothing about.

i apologized profusely and tried to explain my heart, she received my words, forgave me and we exchanged about 6 emails yesterday, tearing down that wall, and building a bridge. it was a good experience for both of us. but it only came with icky feelings, questions, courage and honesty.

i hate to think of how many possible walls i have created out there with my words. UCK!

later last night i was reading blogs and went to one of my favorites - anj at living at both ends. she was writing about her worst and a post that has knocked the wind out of her. i remembered while reading this that i had commented on that post and thought 'oh no, here i did it again...'

i left a new comment there apologizing because i didn't want anyone to think that i was an ignoramus and not own my own stuff. anj reassured me, both by a following comment and email that it was not i that took the wind out of her sails, but the post itself. i was so relieved i cried. we also committed to emailing each other if there is ever offense taken and to following it through.

i think that's a worthy commitment we need to make in this blogosphere. there is so much difficulty in not knowing the emotion of either the typer or the reader as things are sent around the world.

i promise that if i am offended by any comments or questions you make on my blog i will email you and explain myself, k?? i would truly appreciate the same.

you see, being the intimidating woman that i am perceived to be, i have so very few people who will speak truth into my life. when that translated into this new world i was crushed. am i that as intimidating in word, as i am in deed? i hated that thought.

it took my friend courage yesterday to say so, and when she saw my heart we were allowed the opportunity to get to know each other a bit better, and we definately challenged each other to understand us, and our words more clearly. i think it was kingdom building. no, i know it was kingdom building.

i know that this is so difficult to do in 'real life' - so how 'bout we practice virtually? how 'bout we commit to each other that if we read between the lines and wonder 'what did that mean?' - we will ask. it takes courage and boldness - and it might not be well received, but we are building a community here - virtual though it is, and i don't want to loose one of you to some misunderstanding or perceived insult.

you also have my permission to challenge me - i want to be more than i am today. i want to be sharpened, get these rough edged knocked off, inspired to greater thoughts and life. speak the truth (in love). i can take it, honest. now that i've written it i almost want to deleat it, but i don't think i'm going to. it is truly the cry of my heart to be more christlike and less bobbie-like. (and i mean that in both the anonymous way, and the 'less like my mother' way too!)

oh, and if your challenge has to do with capital letters, sorry, you're out of luck! :)

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