make sure you receive rather than remake

got a kick in the gut this morning reading over at jeremy's blog junkmail for blankets. the ghetto monk moves things in me i thought were dormant, if not dead. his writing takes my breath away.

he writes of 're-making' instead of receiving.

'All of my resentment, anger, hubris, selfishness, callousness, lovelessness, and self-righteousness stems from the perverted stance of demandingness. And, most stingingly, demandingness is the seed of almost every instance of personal disappointment; and, thus, inability to trust; and, thus, inability to be honest; and, thus, inability to love.'

i am an incredibly demanding person. i loathe that part of me. abhor it. to see it in this context is helping me see that it's not serving me well.

i know i am demanding of liam, my children and even god. what if i just received instead of remade, accepted instead of demanded?

love given freely is so much more meaningful. why do i have to be in charge and full of expectations? why can't i relax and refrain from imposing my will and desires on those around me?

my next book after i finish the gentle path, is compelled to control by keith miller. it's sitting on my shelf waiting for me to be willing.

oh god help me to be willing to be willing soon.