Friday, July 02, 2004

my psalm 23's

idelette's homework has me tied in knots. i know that was never her intention, but in trying to do this it touched an infected place in my soul. only poison came out. i kept trying and trying to be positive, profound, moving and deep, but these two subjects kept playing like a broken record in my mind.

silence is a huge theme in my life - i was silenced by the church of my youth, and it also taught that god was silent in this dispensation. his only word for me was the 'written word of god'. both of those things have had such an impact on me and my spiritual life. i know now they are both lies, but i'm having a hard time breaking through them for this effort.

so, here i sit - with two poisonous psalms. i have hesitated many times to post them, but they are honest and from my heart.

please know that god and i have reconciled much of this already, and i'm a little stumped why it's resurfacing again, but it is, so i guess i need to go with it. while i'm gone i'm writing my rejoicing psalm. if i can find an internet cafe i'll post while i'm gone.


the lord is silent
he does not speak

his complete word for me is in written form
this is not the dispensation for a personal god

you love david and moses and paul more than me

i thought i heard you call me, but it couldn't have
happened because you are silent
the fields are ripe for harvest and the workers are few,
but how is anyone to know if they can't hear your call

there are verses i read that seem to contradict this,
i am confused, surely there must be some mistake

you can't be that distant, that uncaring, that remote
i long to hear you speak just once


the lord is my silencer
i shall not talk

he makes me sit quietly in church service
he doesn't care that i have anything to contribute

only males are fit to share, teach and pray

yea though i think and dream and
am educated in theology
my contribution is not necessary
your elders and deacons control me

have you called and prepared me for more than this?
you've placed a burning passion in my heart,
it is overflowing within me

surely somewhere, somehow i am meant
to use the gifts and dreams you've given me
may i be allowed to serve in
the house of the lord someday

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