be thankful for the things you already have

just received this in an email from nathan dungan, of share, save, spend on 'can money buy happiness?' he writes:

While virtually everyone knows the saying, “money can’t buy happiness” it’s amazing how much time, energy, and money is spent trying to convince us otherwise.

From clothing to cars to vacations to homes, billions of dollars are spent every year trying to convince Americans that if we just buy one more thing…then we will truly be happy.

But a significant amount of research that was featured in a TIME magazine cover story on happiness suggests otherwise. In a national TIME poll, people were asked about their major source of happiness. Believe it or not, money didn’t even crack the top 10. In other research, psychologists found no significant relationship between how much money a person earns and whether he or she feels good about life.

Our national debt numbers would suggest we haven’t quite made that connection. In 2004, the average credit card debt per household was a startling $9,000. If you subtract out those who pay off their credit cards every month, the number rises to jaw dropping $17,000 per household.

Frequently I talk with parents who express their discomfort with the debt trend. On a recent trip to California, Jim, a 43 year-old computer analyst, told me how their family has adopted a new slogan “be thankful for the things you already have.” The key word in that sentence – already.

Jim said that he and his wife Catherine instituted the slogan as much for each other as they did the children. “Let’s face it,” he said, “children follow the lead of their parents and Catherine and I decided we could do a much better job modeling the behavior we wanted them to emulate.” The numbers certainly support Jim’s logic. Seventy five percent of children in America say they learn the most about money from their parents.

So the next time you are tempted to buy something to lift your spirits think twice before pulling out your credit card. After all, it probably won’t contribute to your overall happiness, but it will impact the financial habits of your children.

i can't imagine the stress that is generated in a family by $17,000 in unsecured debt. it was fun to have a bit of $ to spend with our tax return. it reminded me of the days of instant gratification when our spending was out of control. we have spent our budget and i'm finding i am missing those trips to home depot and hobby lobby, it's so tempting to start back on that treadmill of 'just this one little thing', or 'wouldn't that just make it perfect?' it's a slippery slope for me. i can become so dis-satisfied so very quickly. gratitude, contentment and simplicity are thing areas i'm nurturing today.

thank you god for what we've been able to accomplish with the tax return. help us save and spend wisely, not impulsively. and most of all help me to be content and thankful for the things i already have.

what the heck?

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern.

You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don’t think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern 100% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 64% Classical Liberal 50% Roman Catholic 50% Neo orthodox 50% Charismatic/Pentecostal 43% Modern Liberal 39% Fundamentalist 11% Reformed Evangelical 7% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

now i know why i'm such a mess and don't fit in ANYWHERE!

thanks to renee for the quiz.

update: Mukhtar Mai

BBC NEWS | South Asia | Rape victim anger at police guard

i blogged on this courageous woman in march, this article shows she is being detained in the country by the government.

the perpetrators will be released on monday (held for 90 days) because the 'high court' ruled there are 'no grounds' to detain them.

please pray and bring notice to this incredible woman and her struggle to draw the world's attention to the brutal treatment of women in pakistan. she was originally raped by 12 men who were ordered to rape her as punishment for her brother's supposed crime.

THANK GOD!

United States and the United Kingdom Propose 100% Debt Cancellation for the World’s Poorest Countries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Passion of the Present

i blogged on this the first month i started blogging, may 2004 - and NOTHING has changed for the better.

how many have died? how many more have to die needlessly? when will we do something to stop this genocide?

make sure to watch the 'never again, again' flash movie that you click on in the left column.

National Hunger Awareness Day

National Hunger Awareness Day - CLICK HERE!

renovatus

we're in the middle of liam's second week of home vacation and we're also in the middle of the bathroom renovation - talk about mixed emotions - feels so good to be doing it, but it's exhausting and the work is always more than you figure it will be.

he's pulling the toilet and the sink so i can paint - and tomorrow we redo the flooring and install the new vanity he's made and the marble top sink we garbage picked and a 'newer' toilet. renovation on a budget - it will be so nice to have a pretty bathroom though.

hope all of you are doing well. all of my creative energy is being poured into the house right now, so there's not much to spare for writing. maybe soon. have a wonderful day!

much love!

all the way to heaven...

david at postprotestant left this for me in my comments this morning, and i love it, i just wish i believed it! :)

All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus said, ‘I am the Way ’

Catherine of Siene

toss away

i am at a stage in my own personal life that is choppy and intense, dischordant and different. unlike any stage i've been through before. call it 'mid-life', call it pre-menapausal? i don't know. but it is definately a time of personal change and upheaval.

it's like the tapestry that's being woven of my life has lots of threads, different colors being used, lots of cutting, knots and tying of threads that make little sense or continuity from my perspective. i know something is happening, it's just on so many fronts that i can't seem to keep track of it all and it seems so jumpy that it's difficult to put into words.

when looking back over this tapestry of my life i'm sure this will be one of the richest, most colorful places - filled with texture and depth, but in the middle of it all i am longing for some stability and cohesion.

the words 'dark night of the soul' flashed through my mind in the wee hours this morning. i thought 'is that what this is? am i in a dark night?' i don't know, maybe. i just know that so much is changing within me. my health, my faith, my community and my recovery are all in a very strange place. none of them are in crisis, but they are all very different somehow. all taking a lot of work to maintain, when this time last year they were simpler, easier, more natural.

but looking back i realize that was then, this is now. i want more than 'that', than last summer. i want deeper. more than easy answers and trite homilies. i have grappled with much in this past year. i've past my 'blogiversary' and didn't even acknowledge it. i feel like i've woken up in the middle of a very big storm and it's not over yet, but i'm gonna ride it out. i'm going to make it to the other side, deeper and richer for it.

i know that at this stage many women chuck it all. just walk away and start over. the only thing through this weird stage that has remained stable is my marriage and my family. we've tucked in here nicely. we've spent our tax refund on home improvements and are making our little home a true nest that reflects our personalities. investing in ourselves for a change instead of the church and community. it's been nice. i guess this is how other people live most of their lives. it's very new to us.

i had been pushing for change for so long that i didn't even realize that what i wanted wasn't change, but improvement. it's starting with a can of paint. it's a metaphor of sorts that says to me that a change of location isn't the real issue and won't solve my problems. what i need to own is here, right here - take the rest of the storm and be who i am here - alone or in community.

i read this quote at the end of an email from darren at alternate hymnal

"And - this reason is why I do it. Because I feel far more comfortable lying on a beanbag, in a softly lit room, with a crayon in one hand and piece of paper in the other, pouring my heart out onto the page with a deep sense of trust, that God is with me and hearing my prayers of worship than I do sitting on a chair listening to some one telling me how to be better or how to love more or all the things, they think, I really should be doing. Because you know, I could always be doing more.

My deep love for God and Faith in the saving Grace of Jesus never seems to be enough for 'Church'!"

Anne Sorenson - Artist

it really resonated with me. i guess anne sorenson is a therapist in perth who uses art and drama. she sounds like an amazing person. i'm thinking of starting 'the first crayola church of the bean bag chair' myself these days.

two other things i read yesterday are also threads that are being woven into the tapestry of my life today. the first is by si. wes drew my eye to this post about how god uses the weak to confound the strong. i am part of this dissonent breed. i am a critical thinker and a bit of a rebel. i am finding that this is very threatening in community as those around me try to fit my 'irregular shape' into their very round hole.

he writes:

While we were at Fuller weeks ago, we talked about nurturing leaders for a mission environment. 'Permission giving' was discussed, but I still feel there are too many people waiting for it. For some, permission is not an issue because they, like Jephthah, have been given the squeeze, for others, they're ability to function out of chaos is being domesticated because they're prematurely working with the old 'order' and waiting for permission.

As long as the church thinks that 'all is well and if we perpetuate that which hasgone before, we will live at peace,' then permission may come too late.

Those in leadership should be playing 'spot the dissident' and listening to everything the reckless adventurer is saying. Much will need strained out, but in the straining, it might pay to bear in mind that God seems to have a lot of time for the 'rebel soul'.

i have been waiting for permission all my life. the word dissident stuck out to me and i wanted a really good definition to find out if that is a word i'm going to own. here's what i found:

dissident:

• characterized by departure from accepted beliefs or standards

• dissenter: a person who dissents from some established policy

• dissentient: disagreeing, especially with a majority

yep, that's me. fits me like a glove these days.

the other post that sings my tune is by rachelle - broken for me.

rachelle has created her own wailing wall.

she writes:

So I have built a little altar in my backyard, a stack of odd stones each bearing a sad thing. But I’ve also needed a place to be angry – and so have a lot of my friends, especially my female friends. (Go figure.) So we’ve added an option to this ritualized thing. Tonya and I went to Value Village. There we found a shopping basket full of plates – flower rimmed saucers, black salad plates with leopard spots, gilt edged dinner plates, shallow leaf-shaped sauce dishes with roses in the center. (These last dainties a big splurge at 99cents each.)We came home and stacked our found treasures in an old wine crate then wedged the crate next to our small stack of stones. Catie sprinkled it all with white flowers—our sacred bittersweet space, our corner of our very own.

This is our place where God is big enough: big enough to handle our anger, big enough to not be afraid of rage, of bitterness unleashed, of unrelenting sadness over the state of things. This is where we lay it all out and say, ‘Do you really want me? Because I come with this.” This is where we hope to hear, “Yes. And do you really want me? Because I come with this too.”

she then goes on to write about a woman named anna who's own tapestry is captured in the apocrypha.

Today I came into my quiet, clean office and sat at my desk. I lit a candle; I read the day’s entry at Sacred Space. The scripture for today was from Tobit, an apocryphal book that I, the good Protestant, do not know. In this story Anna, takes up her “women’s work,” weaving. We now consider weaving a “craft” rather than an “art.” But really, it is this designation as “women’s work” that has placed it into this slightly less valued category. For good weaving is art in and of itself, and Anna it seems was a sought after artist. In this story we learn that Anna the artist has completed a commission. She is given not only her pay, but a goat, this being the ancient equivalent of a very lavish tip. Her husband comes home and is shocked. He begins to berate her. How could she accept this goat? It could not possibly be for her work! It must be stolen! He feels deeply ashamed of her.

I put on my shoes. I walk out in the rain. I stand under my lilac tree.

I break this plate for Anna. Anna, unacknowledged for her skill, for the excellence of her work. Anna not seen as the fine artist and shrewd business woman, but accounted as a fool. Anna of the nimble fingers, of the good eye, of the quick mind. I imagine Jesus standing or sitting besides me. I deliberately turn and make my throw…He makes a sound, a low short hmm in his throat, heavy-weighted on the downbeat. “It is fitting,” he seems to say “So be it. Toss away.”

Anna is not held by Tobit, and neither are her tales. Her truths are her own to tell, to hold, to barter. I break this plate for Anna. As it chimes among this hardness, Anna’s story will sing.

toss away...

Lead the Way in Darfur - FaithfulAmerica

it has been over 140 days since the word darfur has passed the president's lips - and even then it was not in condemnation of the genocide happening there.

please take the time to tell him we care.

Lead the Way in Darfur - FaithfulAmerica

need some convincing? read here.

hearusnow.org

hearusnow.org: Home Page

need a place to be heard about shoddy service or scams and rip-offs? be heard here.

now that's hutspah!

i have received two newsletters in the past 24 hours telling of the hutspah of the factulty and graduates of calvin college this past weekend.

i salute you!

curious? you can read about it here (free reg. required) and here. (sister joan's article is INCREDIBLE! wow, i love her voice!)

Leave My Child Alone!

Leave My Child Alone!: "DID YOU KNOW... that the infernal Leave No Child Behind Act has a sneaky Pete section requiring high schools to turn over student information to military recruiters?"

you can opt out your child here.

claim your identity

"Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing."

Virginia Satir

the henri nouwen weekly reflection from last week used this quote, and i didn't read it until today. the focus of the weekly reflection has been written by a woman named victoria schmidt and she's entitled the continuing chronicle "On The Journey Toward Reclaiming my Identity". she is also a survivor of sexual abuse and her path resonates very closely with my own, and she seems to be working on the same issue in her recovery and healing that i am currently working on. it's one that is so difficult for me to put into words. this layer of the onion is so very close to my soul.

she writes:

Virginia Satir, the well-known psychotherapist, said, "Love brings up anything unlike itself for the purpose of healing." Through several years of counseling, this one sentence has helped in my recovery from sexual abuse. It is God's infinite love for me that continues calling me to the depths of my inner self, my true identity.

I know healing life's hurts helps me to become my true self. The struggles of life often create barriers to true love and understanding of self. Once we identify our struggles and make a conscious effort to heal, we begin to see clearly our true identity. Our real, God-centered identity is not the sum total of our experiences. Our God-centered identity is the inherent goodness that came with our creation. It begins whole and is powerful beyond measure. As we move through life, the wholeness gets chipped away and we have to consciously work towards healing.

What are the barriers that keep us from knowing our true, God-centered identity? What are the wounds that need healing? Why are we afraid to heal and to know our God-centered identity? Why are we so afraid to be whole? These are questions I ask myself often, and they continue to guide my own healing.

The love that brings up anything unlike itself to be healed is a love beyond our human grasp. It is the love that is given by the One who loves us infinitely more than we can ever fully understand.

this quote today somehow broke through a lot of the noise in my head and touched me in a deep place. love is calling all of these things forward in me. that helps. a lot.

i was walking with a friend the other day and got back home to shower and i removed the t-shirt i wore for our walk and saw the back of it. i know it sounds strange to be wearing a t-shirt that you don't even know what it says, but we get free t-shirts at conventions and youth conferences all of the time, and i just don't hardly pay attention anymore. just grab the next one in the drawer if i'm working around the house or just hanging out.

as i removed this t-shirt i saw a red fingerprint on the back and thought 'hey, i've never noticed this before.' the back of the shirt said 'claim your identity'. i know i always say i want god to write directions for me in the sky, but on the back of my t-shirt is okay with me too. claim your identity. i laughed - wondering where my coat check tag, or dry cleaner number was so i could walk up to a counter somewhere and 'claim my identity'... would that it could be so easy.

call it a 'mid life crisis' or just plain old recovery and a stay-at-home mom at the end of her ability to use that term - but i truly have no identity that i can claim, truly i don't.

since november i have been battling with myself over the direction i received at 'the path' in vancouver. i haven't been able to claim publicly what my mission statement is. i kept thinking i would grow into it, and i could still very well do so, but i keep hoping for someone else to come and validate that place within me that says 'yes, that is exactly who and what you are'.

i blogged yesterday that i watched 'the snoodles' veggie tale video with my kids. if you haven't seen it i highly recommend it (especially if this line of thought resonates with you at all). the little character is created with a backpack of items, a paint set, an instrument and wings. as he tries each of these items out he is mocked by those in his community. they draw him pictures to remind him how foolish he looked. he carries each one in his backpack, each weighing him down further and farther to the ground. he looks constantly for some place to fit in and finally sees the birds flying high and resting at the top of the mountain.

he climbs the mountain looking for a safe place and finds a wise man in a cave who invites him in for tea. he tells the wise one he is not worthy and shows the pictures he has carried. the wise one tells him he is the creator and shows him a picture of how he truly looks. he takes the snoodle's art and hangs it on his fridge and tells him how the paint set and the instrument were gifts to be used to the creator's glory and the wings weren't just meant for flying - they were meant for soaring.

i was a puddle by the end and pink and buck were so confused and betwixted as to mom's tears. (we processed them later) i know all of these things to be true, honest i do, but i really wish there was a face on the other end of that confirmation, instead of empty air and echoing prayers. arms instead of pillows, words instead of guesses. a community instead of a crisis... sigh.

so again, i am just wanting to get this out, to be heard, not fixed. with this quote above i have the reassurance that love is truly calling all these things forward for healing, not for hurt. to the journey toward my true self and wholeness.

keep the pressure ON!

High-Profile Help for Africa

thanks si!

best sermon i've heard in ages

BigIdea.com - Videos: VeggieTales - A Snoodle's Tale

just got done watching this with pink and buck and it made me cry - especially the part about god having my art on his fridge.

the sport utility vehicle song is pretty funny too.

definition of community

<<< the kedge >>>: "Community means stability. Benedict was a genius to introduce a vow of stability into his Rule. If we want to experience community we need to be rooted somewhere among some people. If we constantly move on in search of greener pastures we will not be around long enough to grow the roots necessary for community. Community can not happen on the fly."

i think this is one of the reasons the sabbath law only allowed for walking distances - it forced a community to fight it out, deal with each other and not be able to run to the next church down the street. i think once we were able to move away from that rule splits and issues began to get easier to walk away from than to work through.

as one so tempted to pull up stakes i really needed to hear (read) this today. great post, a much fuller definition on the blog, highly recommend it.

thanks for the head's up laura

classic kiwi

this is hysterical!

TallSkinnyKiwi: If the Bible was Blogged

sick and tired...

well we got back late last night from our site inspection in WV for the mission trip we're taking some teens on this summer. it's a beautiful location in the mountains and we're excited to be able to help where it's REALLY needed this summer.

but we brought home two very sick little kids... we just got back from the doctor and pink and buck have strep infections, buck's is in his ear - and every time we changed elevations in the mountains coming home we heard about it! yikes... makes for a pretty long ride home, poor kid.

so it's pouring rain here and i think i'm just going to curl up with a good book and tuck in too.

hope you are all doing well.

From Where I Stand by Joan Chittister, May 19, 2005

From Where I Stand by Joan Chittister, May 19, 2005

"From where I stand, it seems that the information age has, indeed, become the best cover for non-information that the world has ever known."

nothing

from the man who brought you the serenity prayer:

Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore we must be saved by hope. Nothing which is true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history; therefore we must be saved by faith. Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone, therefore we must be saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our standpoint; therefore we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness.

Reinhold Niebuhr

dig it?

hmmmmm....

Speaking of Nadine Gordimer, a wonderful word from her: “The tension between standing apart and being fully involved: that is what makes a writer.”

via lauren winner's new blog

what is your world view?

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational. Cultural Creative 88% Postmodernist 63% Existentialist 38% Fundamentalist 31% Romanticist 31% Idealist 25% Modernist 19% Materialist 0% What is Your World View? (corrected...again) created with QuizFarm.com

via tim

the highlight of my day...

get it... high LIGHT... groan...

Energizer Trim Flex LED

i have been looking for a good book light for ages - i picked this one up at home depot today and it's amazing. made for contractors so it's good and sturdy, nice and light too.

polyester white trash made in nowhere

the first time i heard this line i wept. it's from u2's YAHWEH. i feel like the shirt bono wrote about sometimes. i'm really dealing with a lot of this shame right now. i don't know exactly where it's roots lie, i was never called white trash or given that kind of direct treatment by others. i think a lot of it was self inflicted. maybe it came from watching the 'haves' play all my life while i waited on them and resented their luxuries.

i have a friend here who grew up on a farm in west virginia, she is an extraordinary woman, working on her doctorate in education and she's always dressed to the nines and so capable of EVERYTHING (i hate her!) :) i began to recognize this kind of underlying shame in her life just about the time i recognized it in my own. i'm sure it helped me on my way to uncovering and untangling much of my own. she tries for all her life to get the stink of that farm and the cruel jokes about WV out of her system for all she's worth. trying to prove she's better than that.

it's easier to observe her issues than deal with my own. but i know this is the layer of the onion i'm chewing on in my recovery right now. so much of my 'don't fit in issues' scream judgement on me that it kicks my shame reflex into overdrive. the smallest look or the perceived judgement lately spirals me into this shame so very quickly.

we're on the 'service' part of the 40 days right now in our small group and the hardest thing for me to stomach is the illusion that doors will fling open for you to serve in your church because you know your gifts and have a desire. i think this is the weakest part of this mentality. rick warren never once addresses the fact that doors may slam in your face over and over and over. i see new families coming into our church (an explosion of growth is happening right now) and i can spot those broken and wounded ones, they look so much like my family members. i think to myself 'run for your lives - you'll never be able to serve here, you're just not shiny enough for them'...

i'm not shiny enough either.

a year and a 1/2 ago i jumped through their 301 hoop and had my interview with the pastor working with service placement. i told him my passion was to hook people up into service - listen to their hearts and help them find a place to serve, desperately needed in our church. he told me he wouldn't have anything for me until november (it was march...) november has passed and still nothing. yes, i could have followed it up, maybe i should have, but really, should i have had to? yes, i'm teaching jr. high and working with recovery, but this, this is where my passion lies.

now they've got 100's of little green cards with people's wish list for service on them and they are scrambling to put people in place to help those people serve. in tears this morning i told liam that i hoped they choked on them all. i'm bitter, yes i know. but i truly despise being made to feel like white trash in the body of christ too. like i'm not good enough to serve. the most ironic thing of all is that we had to interview to get here - how did i get past the interview process and fail the test later, and what may i ask was the test?

if i'm incompetent then they should be mentoring me, or at least telling me why. please don't leave comments telling me i should talk to them - yes i know that, but understand these are my husband's bosses, would you really go to your husband's boss and complain?

i talked to a friend who i had built (i thought) community with for the past year and aired my soul out. i hoped she would hear me and understand i didn't want her to fix things, i just wanted to be heard. well, she went into panic mode and 'should-ed me' into silence again... (she even had the gaul to read me the serenity prayer - she who hasn't had 1 day of recovery...) sigh. i have been sucked into the politics again and it poisons my soul every time. pretty raw and bitter, eh?

this is the stuff that has kept me silent here on my blog. this is the stuff that is poisoning my soul right now. i feel unfit and unwanted and the thought of having to sit in the small group liam and i lead tonight and play 'oh there will be a place for you to serve here' is just about killing me. that's why i had to write, to get it out of my system. i know tonight isn't the arena to address any of this, and i so don't want to poison any of those wonderful couples in our group. i just need the strength to bite my tongue and smile. something that goes against every grain in my body.

i've called my therapist to get an appointment to help me untangle some of this raw emotion and find the source of this shame. we're going away this weekend, so i'm sure the change will do my heart good. this isn't a cry for help, or fixing. i just needed to process things out for myself. thanks.

there's a hole in the bucket

Make Poverty History - Videos

take a couple minutes to watch this and DO SOMETHING about it please!

via mike's new blog - 3click

grid blog :: pentecost 2005

pentecost 2005

ah, the day of pentecost. i have lived my whole christian life jealous of that time of church history. i grew up with the teaching that the holy spirit was the 'add on' to the trinity. kind of like jiminy cricket on your shoulder, making you feel guilty, and 'illuminating scripture' whatever that was supposed to mean. so very little of my training and teaching ever came close to any type of real truth on that great wind that indwells me.

it has probably only been in the past year that i have truly began to explore what indeed worship of the holy spirit and the role it plays in my life. 'it' is such an impersonal pronoun, but i just can't seem to use 'he' - it just doesn't fit - and i know if i use 'she' i will be stoned as a heretic, even though the feminine is used to describe 'it' in the biblical narrative.

last pentecost the emergent kiwi used pumice stone soaked in some flamable liquid and used it during his service - i was jealous of that church history too. i wish this could be the type of post that ranted and raved of the amazing intimacy i have with the holy one, that i had a grasp of what all of that means in my life, but i'm too painfully honest to lie to you all. i long for nothing more, but live in a world that is sadly negligent toward this person of the godhead.

between ministries at our last church and this one, and during a few other stages of my life i have desperately prayed to be given 'spirit gifts' - and went to vineyard churches and even 'the airport' for a bit of the blessing to fall fresh on me. i begged god to visit me in miraculous ways, to heal me, to give me the gift of tongues, to do anything that would be marvelous and evidence of his love for me. nothing happened. i was shoved to the floor a couple of times and landed in tears, not because i was moved by the spirit, but because again there was nothing moving. i'm not judging anyone else's faith walk, i just know i've never wanted anything more in my life and been so disappointed when it didn't work for me.

since that time i have found that it is through stillness and meditation that i am given glimpses of the spirit. those quiet times when the inner teacher appears in my life. the path is definately one that i would like to change, and to be more dramatic and active, but it seems i don't get to make the rules. so in stillness and in quiet the inner teacher comes, not as jiminy cricket, but as a gentle guide, a nudge, an inner voice that clears the fog, makes way where there was no way before or just reassures me of the place where my feet must walk.

i long for tongues of fire, powerful, showy gifts and lots of evidence. i am given a gentle breeze that i miss if i don't take the time to quiet my soul. i know that the inner teacher does illuminate and bring light to dark places, and for now, that is enough.

adult adhd

i got an email this morning from a fellow blogger asking about my new diagnosis and this is what i wrote to her about it.

i started down this path because i saw so much of myself in my daughter, and i wanted to help her not have to go down the road i had to, feeling stupid, getting slighted by teachers, etc. we have a kind of adhd that has a 'halo effect' - we're not the hyper kid who can't sit still - it's just that our minds are racing in 12 different directions - and maintaining focus is so difficult.

we have a 'psychology and learning center' in a local town, and i know he really helped my girlfriend with her daughter's diagnosis, so i took the chance and got her diagnosed. saw that the process was really simple and that the doctor really heard me and treated me with respect. i am so sick of lame doctors lately, i'm so tired of them assuming they know what i'm saying. he didn't do that at all. he was just a psychologist who specialized in adhd and diagnosis. i'm sad because i thought he could treat me, but he doesn't do that...

i'm going back to my therapist hopefully this week, but i need a psychiatrist to prescribe meds. one of the things that i've found out through this process is that we lack what is called 'dopamine' - it's the neurotransmitter in the brain - things like ritalin and the newer drugs are actually stimulants, not depressivants as i had (and most of the misinformation 'out there' assumes) - they don't know why it works, but somehow it gives us the ability to have our brains function in ways that other people's do normally.

he said that meds should only affect the executive functions of the brain - not creativity, mood, affect, etc. just the stuff that we need to be like 'everybody else'.

i told him that i realized that this dance i've had to do to compensate has been exhausting. it's like that joke about fred astaire and ginger rogers - she did everything he did, but backwards and in high heels - that's been my life - trying to dance like everyone else, but backwards and with great difficulty - trying my damnest to keep up.

it's the 'affective spectrum disorder' that really is so shocking to me. i am angry about it because it seems like such a crappy lot in life that i had no control over and now have passed to my children and their children's children... but it has helped me understand my parents and heritage much better and information is power - so we will be able to help pink and buck in ways that we were never given access to ourselves.

liam and buck are next to be diagnosed - i truly think we all are struggling with this. it explains so much and i know there is a light at the end of the tunnel - but it is a tunnel, and i am a bit discouraged. the local shrink can't treat me (she hasn't taken new patients in years i guess...) so i've begun the research and i am doing all i can to get the best help i am able. i just feel so damn incompenent so very much of the time...

i always wanted some letters after my name...

well, it's official - i have adhd. do you think anyone would notice if i added those after BSc? he also said he suspected that i am in a mild depression. interesting. i knew this winter was harder than it should have been. he said he didn't have a lot to compare to, since he's only seen me for 3 appointments, but he said to mention it to the treating psychiatrist he's referred me to. he also mentioned the term 'affective spectrum disorder' so i'm looking into what that means. new studies seem to indicate that there is a generational link that is possible. i know i've seen it in both liam's and my heritage, and poor pink and buck seem to be as similar to our afflictions too...

i'm excited to get into treatment. hopefully the woman he recommended will take me as a patient. if not my options aren't that great, so if you remember and have the time please pray i can get into the one he recommended (and that the medication and life management will help get my focus back).

thanks!

life's only true opponent

I must say a word about fear. It's life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It beings in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild-mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread.

Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression has triumphed over you.

The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are being brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

Life of Pi, Yann Martel, Chapter 56

i know i'm late to the party, but i LOVE this book! i can't recommend it more highly.

Grocery Store Wars | Join the Organic Rebellion

Grocery Store Wars | Join the Organic Rebellion

very creative and quite funny!

hiding in the noon day sun

stephanie at just etchings has written about the woman at the well. it has moved me like not much else has done lately. part of the life of distraction i've been living lately means that i need to feel something deeply for it to hold my attention. i'm sure that's why blogging has been non-existent. either i can't get there, or don't want to and am avoiding it.

stephanie is writing about identity and uses the woman at the well's interaction with jesus. she names the woman at the well galia - god shall redeem - you know me and redemption. i'm thinking about changing my name!

here's a bit of the comments i left on her blog:

i love that she was hiding in the noon day sun - far away from the eyes of the judgemental women who came to fill their water pots in the cool of the day. hiding in the light of the sun.

you mentioned above that "Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth." - this made me tear up. around here lately it seems that the truth matters little to many - what they believe to be true seems far more important.

in the deepest part of my soul i am a truth seeker - probably even more than a christ seeker - i know that truth will always lead me to the Truth. the fact that it is worship never crossed my mind. thank you stephanie, i really needed this. my identity right now is suffering and i am raw with emotion that comes when my spirit is engaged as of late.

"Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth." i'm going to write that out and put it above my computer today. i will also be reading john 4 tonight. thank you for the challenge!

happy mother's day!

as a daughter and a mother today i celebrate and salute you all - you're incredible women - you inspire and challenge me in ways i don't even fully understand yet. thank you for being a part of my life!

artist

all i want for mother's day

i have heard rumblings about this so i did a bit of research and what joy i found when i realized that mothers have been standing for peace in our country for generations. here's an article that explains it so well:

Julia Ward Howe's accomplishments did not end with the writing of her famous poem, "The Battle Hymn of the Republic." As Julia became more famous, she was asked to speak publicly more often. Her husband became less adamant that she remain a private person, and while he never actively supported her further efforts, his resistance eased.

She saw some of the worst effects of the war -- not only the death and disease which killed and maimed the soldiers. She worked with the widows and orphans of soldiers on both sides of the war, and realized that the effects of the war go beyond the killing of soldiers in battle. She also saw the economic devastation of the Civil War, the economic crises that followed the war, the restructuring of the economies of both North and South.

In 1870, Julia Ward Howe took on a new issue and a new cause. Distressed by her experience of the realities of war, determined that peace was one of the two most important causes of the world (the other being equality in its many forms) and seeing war arise again in the world in the Franco-Prussian War, she called in 1870 for women to rise up and oppose war in all its forms. She wanted women to come together across national lines, to recognize what we hold in common above what divides us, and commit to finding peaceful resolutions to conflicts. She issued a Declaration, hoping to gather together women in a congress of action.

She failed in her attempt to get formal recognition of a Mother's Day for Peace. Her idea was influenced by Anna Jarvis, a young Appalachian homemaker who had attempted starting in 1858 to improve sanitation through what she called Mothers' Work Days. She organized women throughout the Civil War to work for better sanitary conditions for both sides, and in 1868 she began work to reconcile Union and Confederate neighbors.

Anna Jarvis' daughter, also named Anna Jarvis, would of course have known of her mother's work, and the work of Julia Ward Howe. Much later, when her mother died, this second Anna Jarvis started her own crusade to found a memorial day for women. The first such Mother's Day was celebrated in West Virginia in 1907 in the church where the elder Anna Jarvis had taught Sunday School. And from there the custom caught on — spreading eventually to 45 states. Finally the holiday was declared officially by states beginning in 1912, and in 1914 the President, Woodrow Wilson, declared the first national Mother's Day.

via

pray for peace.

not this time

via sojomail

In the movie Hotel Rwanda, a journalist remarks that when Americans watch TV images of the massacres, "They'll say, 'Oh my God, that's horrible!' And then go on eating their dinners." We cannot allow genocide to take place on our watch. Take a stand and tell the world: "Not this time."

do something about it here!!

blessed are the poor

Blessed Are the Poor

We who are rich are often demanding and difficult. We shut ourselves up in our apartments and may even use a watchdog to defend our property. Poor people, of course, have nothing to defend and often share the little they have.

When people have all the material things they need, they seem not to need each other. They are self-sufficient. There is no interdependence. There is no love. In a poor community, however, there is often a lot of mutual help and sharing of goods, as well as help from outside. Poverty can even become a cement of unity.

Jean Vanier

forgetting what is behind

okay, i'm wrestling with a verse and i need your wisdom please. our sp preached on phil. 3:12-14 this week and i think he got it all wrong (imnsho...)

as one addicted to redemption as i am i believe that the past is the fertile ground in which our stories take place. forgetting the past would be like the tree forgetting where it's roots lie, right? i'm really frustrated by this mentality that past mistakes are to be forgotten, never look back, blah de blah de blah...

again, imnsho, i think paul is talking about leaving the pharisee life behind. setting aside the bling and the credentials of his old place in life to do the sweaty work of making tents for bedouins, leaving behind the cushy life for the hard call of christ. am i wrong?

any greek scholars (susie?) to help me with the original language here - and i don't want to know 'how it's usually translated' - i think that's where a lot of the problems we have in the church come from - no one challenging the 'usual way'. help me twist this up please - help me come at it from a new fresh, 2 edged sword way - living and active. because the sp's theology of this verse leaves me cold, makes god a sadist in my eyes and it looks a heck of a lot like denial to me...

passion and suffering

“Passion is loving something enough to suffer for it”
– Jurgen Moltmann

via marko

i consider myself a very passionate person - this gives me a whole new perspective... maybe i'm just excitable! :)

The Revealer: Big 'R' Redemption

YES!!!

In the Metro section of Tuesday's New York Times, David Gonzales writes artfully about "urban gleaner" Charles Kelly, who for 21 years has made his living redeeming cans and bottles for a five cent deposit. But, as Gonzales points out, Kelly isn’t just redeeming the detritus of our consumer society for money. According to his pastor, Rev. Earl Kooperkamp, he’s part of a "moral economy of redemption."

Implicit in the story is a powerful idea: that our work, however humble, can have moral dimensions.

The Revealer: Big 'R' Redemption

nouwen on writing - part iii

Making Our Lives Available to Others

One of the arguments we often use for not writing is this: "I have nothing original to say. Whatever I might say, someone else has already said it, and better than I will ever be able to." This, however, is not a good argument for not writing. Each human person is unique and original, and nobody has lived what we have lived. Furthermore, what we have lived, we have lived not just for ourselves but for others as well. Writing can be a very creative and invigorating way to make our lives available to ourselves and to others.

We have to trust that our stories deserve to be told. We may discover that the better we tell our stories the better we will want to live them.

these three quotes have crystalized exactly what i want my writing to be about, and to motivate me to really buckle down and get serious about it. does anyone know what nouwen book these are taken from? i'd really love to know!

recipe for stephanie

i know this always goes the other way, stephanie is one of my best contacts for recipes and her cooking is truly a sensual delight. but i just read this post on the guilty pleasure of french fries and have a 1/2 way solution for you - made at home - no greasy ick, and they are truly the best we've ever had. liam just made them tonight for supper. here's his secret recipe:

• preheat oven to 475
• take the best potatos you can afford and slice into long 1/8's (do not peel)
  
• drizzle a cooking sheet with olive oil and brush to cover
• season oil with any seasonings you like, we use salt, pepper, garlic powder and cayenne
• layer potato wedges on oil
• cover with foil (important!)
• put in oven as close to element as possible for 5 minutes
• remove foil and return to oven for 10 minutes
• remove from oven and flip potato wedges
• bake for 10 more minutes
• enjoy hot with wonderful dipping sauces

these are the best oven fries you will ever eat - crispy on the outside, tender inside - perfect with burgers on the grill or steak - yummy! or if you want with gravy! :) love you girlfriend!

Stop Drive-Through Mastectomies

please take 30 seconds of your time to help women!
Lifetimetv.com: Breast Cancer - Stop Drive-Through Mastectomies

oh give me a home...

BBC NEWS | Americas | Buffalo herd roams over US suburb

deep wells of hidden treasures

henri continues...

Writing, Opening a Deep Well

Writing is not just jotting down ideas. Often we say: "I don't know what to write. I have no thoughts worth writing down." But much good writing emerges from the process of writing itself. As we simply sit down in front of a sheet of paper and start to express in words what is on our minds or in our hearts, new ideas emerge, ideas that can surprise us and lead us to inner places we hardly knew were there.

One of the most satisfying aspects of writing is that it can open in us deep wells of hidden treasures that are beautiful for us as well as for others to see.

redeeming the day

i LOVE this!

Writing to Save the Day

Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be "redeemed" by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too.

Henri Nouwen

get your own daily quotes daily here.

out of the loop

well i now have access to my computer again, but no time. my bloglines are stuffed with what i'm sure are wonderful posts by you all, but i have no time to sit and ponder, enjoy and connect, let alone blog myself.

i've been sleeping much better and don't have the early morning solitude lately, and my days are a blur.

i don't even know what to type to catch you all up on my life this past month. all i know is that this pace is affecting me, i love the community part of it, but i really loathe the lack of contemplative time and serenity.

to that end i am headed to an OA meeting today, my first in years. my eating is out of whack again, and our recovery group at church isn't helping. i'm co-facilitating a group starting next week and i know if i don't get my act together i'm really going to fall apart.

how do you all do it all? my house looks like a cyclone has passed through (one that drops a granola-like substance everywhere...) liam is taking off the first week in may, and we're just hanging around here - i'm hoping that will smooth things out a bit for me too.

i can't remember the last time i've felt so overwhelmed by life. i have my first appointment today with the psychiatrist at the learning center to hopefully get a handle on a diagnosis for my learning disorder and possible add, adhd... that will bring a lot of calm for me, knowing i'm not going/have been crazy about my brain.

well ya'll, anybody got some cliff notes to catch up on blog posts? i can't see any time in the foreseeable future that i'll get some leisurely days to catch up on the people that i love, let alone the ones who challenge me or inspire me. (not that those of you i love are left out of the group of challenging/inspiring writers!) i know most of it will slow down in a short bit (couple of weeks) and i'm not adding anything new to the mix, it's just very overwhelming for this time.

have a great day! god's peace on us all!

back again

this time it was a hardward glitch... and it's just been fixed.

i've caught up on reading some emails and comments - thank you all for your prayers and kind words. it has been an amazing week, and i am exhausted - every day was chuck filled with life - and much of it very intense. i'll give more details tomorrow, but all of our prayers are being answered and life is going on.

i never imagined when i prayed for community that it would be so intense, so quickly - i've missed you all!

off again...

no, not me, the computer...

sigh.

this is a windows glitch of some sorts, but beyond liam and my ability to sort out, so again we are at the mercy of friend's timing and assistance...

what a weekend, whew! it was more than i ever hoped it could be community wise - we broke through some wonderful walls together and i felt like myself and loved and a part of things for the first time in a really long time.

my friend and i were in charge of our 'prayer and share time' (i know really churchy sounding, eh?) we did some experimental prayer and lectio and really stretching things with them, and they responded so well. it was amazing. i have wanted to get to know my friend more deeply for ages. she is an artist, and so creative and fresh - just someone i really longed to know. we roomed togther and really enjoyed each other's company. we even stretched it to lunch yesterday and she brought me home afterward.

the next 36 hours was a blur for her. she returned to find her husband cherry red and passed out in the garage. he came home from church yesterday, all their kids were away, and he decided to sit in the garage with the car on until the game started, and if he wasn't gone by the time the game started he would go into the house and watch the game... he lived, but barely. her pain is so great i can hardly bear it. but she is also bearing up under it all amazingly well.

of course my guilt was huge - i sat in our driveway with her for an hour, neither one of us wanting our weekend away to end... while her husband was trying to kill himself. he's a pillar in our community and church. no one knew, or suspected. when she called me this morning to talk she reassured me of her gratefulness that we did talk, that he did try, so that it wasn't hidden forever below the surface. i am amazed at her strength. not syrupy denial strength, but honest, living in the moment strength and beauty.

i know they would appreciate your prayers. this is only the beginning of a long road for them. she knows the anger will come, she knows that the public humiliation will be much to bear. i am also watching my church closely through this - how will they respond? how will they change so that this kind of thing doesn't have to become so desperate and the cries for help so very loud. so far i have been pleased. love and support is being shown, will there be a safe place for him to land? i pray it is so.

she told me that the community she felt this weekend was the only thing that could have prepared her for something like this. knowing how loved she was allowed her to accept help, admit need and be herself. it was music to my soul.

well, i'm giving the lead at our recovery group tonight. need to go over my notes. i miss you all, and will hopefully be back in the land of the connected again soon.

ttfn.

me and the deep blue sea

underwater

my friend lily used a term that describes me and where i've been just perfectly today. i feel like i'm underwater. not drowning per say, just submerged. like nothing is getting in, and nothing is getting out.

these past couple of months have been different for me, my health/hormones/brain activity has been off somehow and it's making me feel a bit distant. i know my writing is affected, and i haven't gone near anything really deep or meaningful. i think that is why i was tempted to restart the garden. i could ride off of your thoughts for a bit instead of having to get in touch with my own.

liam and i are spending the time i would have spent blogging together reading and processing, and so i haven't closed myself up from the world, i just know that if i can talk about other things nothing will come too close to get to the stuff i know i really need to be talking about. the stuff that makes me uncomfortable.

i know that somethings have changed, a lot even for the better, but i really can't put my finger on what it really is that i've lost ahold of that has brought me to this place. i spend so much time thinking and in silence that i really convince myself that i'm spending time with THEM. i know that's really what it is though, that dwelling in the middle of my stuff with THEM just seems so raw, so intense, and far too intimidating. these things i know to be lies, i just can't seem to make myself care.

i have been using new things as crutches, things i never suspected could be used, and that has thrown me off course. those sly, slick little dependencies that don't look like compulsive behaviors, or crutches, but when the thought of kicking them out from under me comes to mind i realize just how much they've become idols in my life. yuck. i know spring cleaning is coming. i know i can't go on this way. i'm just in a short season of overwhelming busy-ness and know that i've got miles to go before i rest.

i am a home body, i used to be ashamed of that, but i'm not any more. i really like home and my family and my life. some of my book ideas are really taking wing and i am enjoying the peace that comes from knowing i'm doing what i love to do... most of the time. and then i get swept up into 'pastor's wife' or just plain life sometimes and i dread what the calendar holds. then i think "am i isolating? am i living in fear, or just really enjoying being home and writing? is all of the isolation the cause of my course change, or is it that i'm not doing the maintenance that i used to do?"

i really don't know. either way, i'm off to a retreat with my women's group this weekend and if nothing else the change of pace will be quite refreshing. i'm bringing my journal and my two new books (that i bought retail at a store! so not me!) along - The Mermaid Chair, and The Tale of Despereaux (kate dicamillo is my new favorite author!)

i justified my extravagance by saying despereaux was for pink - but we all know it's really for me, right? :)

so please pray for me, i'd really like to stop being underwater, stop being afraid of whatever it is that i'm afraid of and get back on course. much love ya'll! have a great weekend, i'll post if i get near a computer.

how normal are you?

You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

via thin spaces

the real place of christian scholarship

as mike says kierkegaard 'is kicking ass and taking names today'! this literally made me gasp out loud. i really need to read more of this man's work!

The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. Herein lies the real place of Christian scholarship. Christian scholarship is the Church’s prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament.

Soren Kierkegaard

Take Action: Tell Your Senators to Protect Refugees Fleeing Persecution

Take Action: Tell Your Senators to Protect Refugees Fleeing Persecution

The bill, known as the REAL ID Act, will harm refugees fleeing torture, forced abortions, honor killings, and other horrific violence. The bill will make it much harder for refugees to prove that they qualify for asylum and remove safeguards that protect refugees from being sent back into the arms of their persecutors.

susie joins our garden!

susie albert miller chooses a daylily for her flower here:

susie: bobbie's garden...


the wild and exotic day lily

Daylilies will not be overlooked and yet if you miss them for a day, the bloom is gone.. so there is both an offering that is stellar and a closing and resting at the end of each day… this speaks to me of both extravagant giving and a sense of dignity that embraces that need for Sabbath…There is an inherent offering, an invitation to behold, without any demand to be seen, there is grandeur and subtle rest simultaneously…Grace and Shekinah Sophia intertwined and being thus and longing to be increasingly moreso resonates deep within my soul…

welcome susie - it's a more beautiful place with you here!

finding your soul mate!

this A&E site is hysterical! find your dead soul mate!

here

mine was vincent van gogh!

it felt good to get that off my chest!

wow - thanks so much for your comments and encouragement and prayers about the situation with my father yesterday!

for those of you who don't know my father lives with us. so most of the time we get along just fine. he's not very interactive verbally, but he is a huge help around the house and is the most generous man i know - so those feelings i had surged out i suspected were there, but had never engaged before.

blogging it was like lancing out the poison. i felt so much better once i was able to type it all out, like a blogging purge. i'm sure your prayers were a big help in that too! i was able to just say 'hey dad, i'm so sorry i lost my temper yesterday.' i knew he wanted to just get past it, and then i said 'i really wouldn't have minded if you called her over by saying 'hey pink, want to see a crawly bug?' and giving her the option of saying 'no' - i just knew she is at a stage where bugs aren't her favorite right now.' he kind of denied he was going to do it, said he just wanted to show me, and i let it drop.

i spoke with my therapist months ago about beginning to process my 'dad stuff'. my mom stuff, at least the stuff i've been able to mine out is pretty much dealt with. but i know my 'dad stuff' is lying in wait. i'd like to get it out of the way on my end so that i can care for him properly as he ages. he's a type one diabetic and a sugar addict, so he could fade very fast. he still plays basketball and is an active hunter/fisherman - so he's not on his death bed. but i know that with the little care he takes of himself sometimes an infected toe nail could require amputation if not treated properly and in a timely fashion.

we have talked at length about filling in the gaps in my mind of what he did in his youth and mine. we talk about 'history', not emotions. it's okay. i love him dearly, i just want my emotions owned and dealt with so they don't sneak up on me when i have to be the 'caretaker'. i've seen too many times ugly resentments have poisoned those relationships, and owning my side of things and the emotions that were created because of the past felt and processed.

monday was the beginning of that process i think, and it really is an answer to prayer. i'd love it if he'd journey along and find healing, but i'm okay with him just being him and seeing the wonderful parts and living with the rest, with grace and love. thanks for your prayers!

US government suspects trafficking in Minnesota

Business Travellers Against Human Trafficking � US government suspects trafficking in Minnesota

i can't stomach this in other countries, but here in america? i'm not naive, but minnesota? ya, ya betcha... god help us.

power and authority

today's post from wes about the recent nouwen daily meditations and an email sent out by stephanie have been weaving together my thoughts on power and authority.

stephanie and i both come from a background (although her's was far more severe than mine) where male power and authority was unquestioned and god-like in it's influence in our lives. so unpacking and redeeming thoughts on these topics are very important to me. the authority and power we experienced is nothing like the thoughts i've been reading these past couple days.

stephanie's quote from the wounded healer

The (one) who can articulate the movements of (their) inner life, who can give names to (their) varied experiences, need no longer be a victim of (oneself), but is able slowly and consistently to remove the obstacles that prevent the spirit from entering. S/He is able to create space for Him whose heart is great than (their's), whose eyes see more than (their's), and whose hands can heal more than (their's).

This articulation, I believe, is the basis for a spiritual leadership of the future, because only (one) who is able to articulate (one's) own experience can offer (themself) to others as a source of clarficiation. The Christian leader is, therefore, first of all, (one) who is willing to put (their) own articulated faith at the disposal of those who ask (their) help. In this sense s/he is a servant of servants, because s/he is the first to enter the promised but dangerous land, the first to tell those who are afraid what s/he has seen, heard and touched.

i kept stumbling on the 'he' and 'man' so i unisexed it, as i'm sure henri, now that he is in heaven totally would do himself! :)

wes quotes the meditation from the 12th:

The Authority of Compassion

Mostly we think of people with great authority as higher up, far away, hard to reach. But spiritual authority comes from compassion and emerges from deep inner solidarity with those who are "subject" to authority. The one who is fully like us, who deeply understands our joys and pains or hopes and desires, and who is willing and able to walk with us, that is the one to whom we gladly give authority and whose "subjects" we are willing to be.

It is the compassionate authority that empowers, encourages, calls forth hidden gifts, and enables great things to happen. True spiritual authorities are located in the point of an upside-down triangle, supporting and holding into the light everyone they offer their leadership to.

in re-reading it on his blog i recalled a part of parker palmer's definition of authority from a hidden wholeness, pg. 76-77:

"The authority such a leader needs is not the same as power. Power comes to anyone who controls the tools of coercion, which range from grades to guns. But authority comes only to those who are granted it by others. And what leads us to grant someone authority? The word itself contains a clue: we grant authority to people we perceive as "authoring" their own words and actions, people who do not speak from a script or behave in preprogrammed ways.

In other words, we grant authority to people we perceive as living undivided lives."

oh, the undivided life. palmer speaks of life on the mobius strip, it is the image below - where the inner and outer ring are both visible and open to the self and the surrounding community. there is no divide between the two.




these are the people i grant true authority in my life. all others are suspect.

sexuality was immediate endowment of authority in the first 30 years of my life. if you were male you were given authority by god in my life. it didn't matter if you spoke truth, spoke love, had god's or my best interests at heart, you had authority. much confusion, and consequently much destruction and anger stemmed from that distortion of scripture in my life.

i still struggle to this day to distinguish truth from falsehood if spoken by someone in authority. the tapes in my brain kick in and i am left with much confusion until the truth is distinguished from the lies. it is a process of untangling. i'm getting better at it, but it still brings me a lot of anxiety.

that is why what nouwen writes about compassionate authority almost brings me to tears. what would the church, better yet, the kingdom be like if those 'in power' lead with compassionate authority? my husband liam is one of those men. it's suprising that many are threatened by this. many of the students who are raised to respect 'powerful authority' don't respond to his teaching and shy away from his ministry.

people living out true authority and compassion call us to a higher plane - call us to live lives of authenticity and compassion ourselves. my friend wes is that kind of leader too. liam and i are reading his book reclaiming god's original intent for the church together each morning. it is so refreshing to hear of the hopeful call to restore what has been lost, to reclaim those things that have been stolen. to redeem those places that the locust have eaten in the church.

these are the kind of people i grant authority to. people who live those undivided lives. who practice what they preach. who own their own junk, and do it in a way that makes me want to own mine. i love these men. they restore those places deep in my soul that have been wounded, strip mined and abused. they restore my faith in humanity, and the divine. thank you!

the way he makes me feel

it came out of nowhere, this gut reaction, this deep anger and identification of shame. i only realized it because of the reflection i saw in how he tried to treat my daughter. i would have been blind to it, and have been for the near 40 years he's done it to me.

we were cleaning the garage out yesterday, and after the kids got home from school my father remembered the wiggly fish bait he had gathered for the upcoming trout season. i heard him ask 'have ya ever seen a helgermite?' these are some demon spawn crawly bug that he pulls out of dead leaves near the banks of the streams and rivers. i said 'yes dad, i've seen them.'

then i realized he wasn't talking to me, he was talking to my daughter. i spun around and he had a handful and was heading her way.

i said "NO", and repeated it about 4 times. finally "NO DAD". it finally got through when i stepped between them. i told him she is inordinately afraid of spiders, i know she wouldn't like the bug. it was like he was a 10 year old boy trying to scare her. not the scientist trying to inform her world. and it recalled to me the many times in my near 40 years where he invaded my space, didn't hear me and demanded that i like the things that he likes, instead of the other way around.

he had his usual subtle, inordinate anger response, muttering and shaming. it touched off a place in me that i had no idea existed. in no time i was reacting like i have never reacted before.

he muttered 'well she's gonna have problems' - 'what problem? because she wouldn't look at your bug she's gonna have problems?'

'well she's gonna have to take biology one day', me - 'yah dad, when she's a sophomore in high school, not when she's 9!' my ire is starting to rise as i remember each time he shamed me into fishing, cutting worms, taking fish off hooks, having to look at his dead trapped or hunted animals all the while dying inside.

i couldn't let it go, 'she doesn't need to do boy things to be accepted around here dad, she's a girl, and she doesn't like that kind of stuff. maybe it's you that needs to grow up....'

damn, that last line. i was speaking truth up to that point, now i have to make an amend, damn. the anger still makes my hands shake as i realize how much i hate and resent those activities i was forced into to gain any of his approval or attention. or to escape the shaming that was heaped upon me for wanting to honor life, not kill, not watch, not gloat in the dead.

i have a running chronology of pictures of me as a child. my sister and i standing next to dead animals my father has killed. me in my dorky 70's clothes, usually freezing because it's winter. outside next to 8 dead racoon, fox or other rodents. or a deer suspended by it's ankles with it's lovely tongue hanging out looking like it's begging for a drink of water.

i'm realizing now that something died in me each time. he never heard my 'no', he never stopped shoving those horrible specimins in my face just to have some sick, twisted glee at making me squirm. and i am angry, so very angry. how many meals have i had ruined because he insisted on speaking of things not fit for conversation, let alone the dinner table? as my stomach squirms and he just keeps right on going. if i say anything he makes me feel like a baby. shame again. oh this is deep, right down to the soles of my feet.

you see, my little sister seemed to enjoy every minute of it - so she was part of his strategy. if you don't want to join in, we'll just go and do it without you. nothing of the feminine was honored or tended to, or got any of his attention. and there she was happy as a clam to push the hook in to cut the night crawler and put it on the hook.

she's 8 weeks pregnant and couldn't wait to stumble down the mountain with her husband to get to the lake now that the ice is off so they could spend their one day together that week fishing. she married someone just like my dad. maybe deep down she hated it as much as i did, but the attention was just too alluring? maybe she hates it still and can't admit that she knows she'll be home alone while he's out in that boat without her? all i know was as soon as i found other male attention i wasn't fishing any more. yuck.

protecting pink yesterday was very empowering, but not very satisfying. i know it was lost on him. i know most of the conversation i will have with him today will be lost on him too. thank god liam, even though he enjoys fishing, doesn't require pink (or me) to restructure our souls to please him, or to earn time and attention from him. but in writing this i have unlocked something else. he now uses my husband like he used my sister. i'll take him fishing, hunting, etc. and he'll get time with me, not you. and i resent it doubley now because he's not interested in spending time with me, and he's taking my time with my husband away from me too... yuck.

father, my father doesn't get it. he doesn't even have a smidgen of understanding of how destructive things like this were in my past. even explained i am skeptical that he will be able to own or acknowledge any of the emotion that will come from this conversation we need to have today. help me god, to speak the truth in love. to honor my soul in expressing the wounds and to set the boundaries necessary to explain how my daughter is to be honored in her own home. this is a faithless prayer father. i fear it will be frustrating for both of us, that it won't build the bridge i'm praying for, but just leave a pile of bricks from the wall i'm trying to kick down. help me to be okay if he takes those bricks and starts to rebuild the wall instead of meeting me on that bridge. give me word pictures that he will understand, help me to speak the truth slant father, so i am not shaming of him either. amen.

Take Action: Call for Debt Justice!

Take Action: Call for Debt Justice!

Please join Sojourners in urging that President Bush and Secretary Snow use the power of the United States to urge 100% debt cancellation for Africa's poorest countries.

seekers of the truth

an aquired taste

Today's Daily Dig: The Universal Struggle

Every individual who seeks the truth faces a struggle. Each of us has some sort of devil raging within, wanting to deaden and destroy something in us. We are all in danger of thinking we are doing God a service, when in fact we are just following our own will. That is why, over and again, we must tell ourselves: “Keep a tight rein on yourself! Stand by the truth when it dawns on you, even if it hurts, even when it denies everything the world has accepted as true until now!”

God’s kingdom comes through struggle and tribulation, the defiant challenging of the whole age. It is advancing, and people have no taste for it. But in the end Jesus Christ—the Truth, the Life, and the Way—will win. So let us be comforted; for the will of the Almighty shall prevail in our own time, as surely as in the time of the apostles. C. F. Blumhardt

but why does it feel like it's everything the church denies as true now too??? it just doesn't feel like it's universal - like anyone around me even cares about the truth (the real truth, not what they've been told is true) anymore? i love that the image with the dig today was onions. oh the many layers we live at.

red, red poppy

wild poppy

my new friend susan at visual~voice has the most amazing blog. i found her when real live preacher highlighted her - she is so gifted and literally gives voice to my thoughts with her images and her words. you can't imagine how tickled i was when she wanted to join our garden! here is her amazing entry:

I have a streak of the magical in me, so I choose the Poppy as my flower metaphor. The Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz used magic poppies to send Dorothy into the deepest of slumbers. I was so taken with Frank Baum's books as a child, and I wish I could capture people's imaginations the way he did.

Powerful though they maybe, poppies are pretty high-maintenance when out of their element. It is extremely rare to see poppies in a floral arrangement because they just don't do well without their roots in the soil. Wound a poppy and it won't take long before they show their vulnerable nature.They do best in the wild... decorating fields with playful dots of brights red and orange. This is so me. Creative, sensitive, unique, and apart from the main stream.

I love the sound of the word, POPPY!

welcome vincent!

our garden is growing and blooming all around, we'd love you to join us! what's flower are you?

off to the children's museum

we promised the kids that because they weren't having friend parties this year we'd take them to the children's museum today. so off we go to the big city!

have a wonderful day - hope the sun is shining where you are like it is here today!

flowers of thy heart

cheryl at octillo's desert gives us our most creative (and delicious) flower yet! she was inspired by a line in a song from godspell 'flowers of thy heart'.

Flowers of thy heart
O God are they
Let them not pass like weeds away
Their heritage, a sunless day
O God save the people
Shall crime bring crime forever
Strength aiding still as strong?
Is it thy will, O Father
That men shall toil
For wrong?

So the music started replaying in my mind after reading Bobbie's post. My first thought was "well, I'm quite sure I'm not a rose"...and then a mental picture came to me. Wild strawberry flowers deep in the grass.Wildstrawberry Realizing what this means to me, I thought "no, no, not that".

After reading a bit about it online, it turns out that the strawberry is actually a member of the rose family.The strawberry flower itself is a rather unimpressive plain flower. Quite delicate and need to be somewhat protected, but what it becomes in the right conditions! Yumma yumma. Of course the best strawberries are the wild, hard to find and unimpressive in size. Nourishment to wild grazing animals. I find it a little hard to say i am such a thing. But i believe what other people have discovered about themselves is accurate.


strawberry flower

read the rest of her amazing post here.

gerbera daisy

gerbera daisy

welcome spiritual ingenue to our garden too!

They require full sun but I've found that if you keep them away from extremely hot situations, they perform much better.

You want to be careful not to over water. They actually
prefer to be a little on the dry side (like my sense of humor!) and if you're using them in containers you want to make sure that you select companions for them that require similar conditions.

read the rest of her post here.

i have a couple more to add, but i don't want to overwhelm you all, or cause anyone to get overlooked, so i will post more tomorrow!

micah girl joins the garden!

micahgirl

we've got a hollyhock, a red one!

A hollyhock is a constant, old-fashioned flower used to accent the beauty of the rest of the garden...understated, elegant, strong and hardy. It's ever present in cottage gardens which appear free and chaotic but have a rhyme and reason of their own and make me think of a long afternoon of working the soil finished with a proper pot of tea.

you can read her whole post here.

blogger's survey

calling all bloggers - marquette university grad student is asking for help with a project he is doing on blogging. it's a short survey and only takes like 10 minutes. if you're interested in helping go here.

garden posts

i haven't forgotten you i promise! i have finally gotten our's and dad's taxes out of the way and cleared up the financial mess the crash created - yuck! in the next couple of days i promise to highlight your garden posts - i haven't even had time to read them yet - i'm so looking forward to doing so!

if you are wondering what i'm talking about read this post.

slip sliding away

as the snow fell on sunday morning it was almost like a foreshadowing of the next 48 hours. as i wiped the wet, heavy snow off the volvo is slid on the sidewalk and landed on my butt. not one of those embarrassing falls, my feet just slid sideways from under me and i kind of slowly laid my hip on the slush under my feet. just what i needed before church, but i was in black slacks, so it wasn't terribly noticible and i didn't want to be later than i already was.

i did get my computer back on sunday, upgraded, but my greatest fears were realized as i checked the files hopefully transferred from our hard-drive before our friend wiped it clean... nothing. liam regretfully did not back up the 'my documents' file before he upgraded our windows program, and the disk was faulty and froze and scrambled everything.

our last backup was november... all of his art, all of my writing, including some book proposals i had been working on, gone. all gone... sigh.

it was night the brightest days in our year thus far to say the least. especially after the two week wait for the computer to be reconstructed. gracious, busy friends helped, but when favors are given time lines and patience are necessary.

this all began because i have recieved my FREE IPOD! (yes it really works!) and it couldn't run on the windows 98 i was using... sigh. so today i am ripping cd's and dreaming of a soundtrack for my life.

anyone with good suggestions for some $.99 cent songs at iTunes?? i'm putting together a 'girl power' soundtrack for pink and i, and i have the standard stuff, but would love to add a couple new songs in. also making a 'redeeming my voice' soundtrack - any empowering lyrics/songs out there? i've been so out of touch to the music scene.

have a wonderful day ya'll, ripping on!

best tribute to the holy father

Visual VoiceVisual~Voice Archives

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK!!!!!!!!

whew, i can hardly believe what a saga it's been, but i am now back with a working (and updated!) computer! hurray! it's been quite the trip, and i promise i will catch you up, i missed you all immensely, but it was a good experience for me to learn some new (or forgotten) ways to process my life.

i can't wait to catch up on all of your lives - that's really what i missed the most. i promise to post more soon.

love you all!