one of the most wonderful things about blogging is all of you. the community that has been created and the freedom we have to share in each other's pain and joys. i love that. one of the most horrible things about blogging is that we've created this community and it's so spread out that the people in our lives every day know less about us than those of you who read my blog.
this is a constant struggle for me. i don't do well with those who have 'skin on' - those in my every day life, i'm either false around them, or they're false around me. trust is humongeous for me, and each interaction is a test of sorts. i know it's not fair, but i'm being honest. i'm asking them without the words, 'are you worthy of my trust'. usually i judge them not to be, or they show me clearly that they aren't. so i withdraw.
isolation is one of my largest character defects. it's 2:09 and i'm still in my pj's. no one just drops by my house and i rarely pick up the phone. after i drove liam out of the house (not by car, but by vicious anger (see - anger is easier than fear...) and snarkiness) i again was alone. i needed some sleep desperately, but i chose to make myself a nice big bowl of oatmeal with raisins and watch the news.
i headed back to bed at 10:00 and read fiction until i fell asleep. it was noon when i awoke. there were 2 messages on my answering machine. i avoided them and headed for the computer. your comments and prayers are being felt deeply here, thank you.
i heard the phone ring and answered it before i realized i really didn't want to. it was one of the professors at the local college. i was a guest lecturer in her women's in ministry class last year and i spoke of my sexual abuse and issues. so she knew without me having to explain a lot why i would be a horrible mentor for that graduate student that just moved to town and is really lonely right now. she heard me and in her way ministered deeply into my life. i mentioned that i didn't want to burden this young woman with my stuff and i wasn't sure right now that my boundaries were strong enough not to as i didn't have a lot of people right now to talk with. she immediately turned her rolodex and gave me the name of the woman at the crisis center and made me promise to call her to find a survivor's support group. i know i can't do this alone anymore.
i am seeing my therapist on monday, but it's not enough. so when i stopped crying long enough to speak clearly i decided to call that number, and then i rememembered the messages. one was from my hopeful new spiritual director. i have been trying to reach her for over a month now, and she's working from home for the next two days, so maybe i can connect with her tomorrow. i screwed up the courage to call her and left a message on her machine, and then called the shelter.
both women are going to call me back. i know that those phone calls where spiritual interventions and a result of your prayers. thank you. i'm feeling much less hopeless right now, still scared and weepy, but not so alone. i just have to make it through the weekend. liam will be away at the sr. high retreat. we have been invited, but i don't think i can pull it together enough to 'do' youth pastor's wife in public for that extended amount of time, so i think we'll make some other plans for saturday that we can look forward to.
thank you again for praying, writing and commenting. it means so very much to me!